Sometimes I spend a lot of time analyzing issues in my life. I don't always feel dramatic distress, but my mind is constantly whizzing from one idea to another... wondering how the events that happen today will affect my future tomorrow.
It means that when I date I'm constantly looking forward and trying to ensure that I'm neither leading a girl on, nor "not giving the relationship a fair chance." (Both of which are almost unpardonable sins in my mind, at least in my life) It means that when things go wrong in life I wonder how they will influence the decisions I can make in the future, how they will affect my peers, and how everything affects my family and close associates.
But even though my mind is often a blur of activity, I can still sit down, close my eyes, clear my mind, voice a silent prayer, and open my heart to listen to the Heavens. And the answer I receive is peace.
There's a lot in my life that isn't going right. Almost nothing on my to-do list will get done today. My callings seem to be floundering and I still haven't had more than phone and text conversations with some of the people I home teach. My bedroom is a mess. I haven't talked with some of my close family members in months. I still get an incredible urge to bite my nails when I'm stressed. And I bite my nails when I'm stressed. My dating life is miserable, and my friendships are constantly going through the shredder. I have a ton of people that I should have contacted that I haven't. And it's night already and I haven't taken time to really, honestly pray yet.
But there are some things that are going right... things that make the difference in my life... and things that give me the peace that I need when everything else is going wrong.
I still make time to study the scriptures. I try to make it as easy as possible... so most days I read them before 12:00 at night. I take time each day to pray. I tell God honestly about my life, and we talk about the issues I'm facing, the things I'm learning from my trials, and the things I need to do better. I attend Church, and go to the temple, and try to do the things I should.
But the most important aspect is that I'm clean. I'm not addicted to pornography, I honestly try to live the commandments, and when I make mistakes, I try to fix them. It doesn't mean I don't face issues; for example, I met a guy today who definitely turned my head. He had a great personality, a great smile, and a great body. But that's as far as the attraction goes. I acknowledge it and move on with life. And in life, while I have chaos, I also have peace.
I think that's what keeps me going. The knowledge that I'm doing okay and that everything - right now - is working together for my good. It's not just a feeling that "someday" everything will be better - that someday I'll find a wife, live happily ever after, and be saved (especially because those "somedays" never really come)... but a feeling that today, honestly and sincerely, everything is good... at least from God's perspective. I have a long way to go, a lot of problems to fix, and I may never see most of my goals in this life. But, today, I'm okay. I'm on the right pathway, I'm moving forward, and as I turn to God and give Him my will, He gives me peace.
For me, that was the blessing that came when I was able to free myself from pornography. It was the blessing that came when I honestly told my priesthood leaders everything I could, and the feeling that came when I realized I could withstand temptation instead of caving in. It gives me hope when I find myself comparing my life to others, wishing I were different or that the Lord had given me different trials. It gives me courage to help others find that same peace that they are seeking - enough to encourage them to change their lives to match their goals and who they want to be. And it gives me freedom, because I know that, whatever the Lord asks me to do, I can do it. I will do it.
Christ told His apostles, "my peace I give unto you... in the world ye shall have tribulation... but be not troubled. I have overcome the world." I think this is what He was talking about - the assurance that everything is right, the ability to be truly happy, the faith to follow that comes from moving forward on the path... being willing to relinquish my fears and doubts and hopes and dreams to God... and asking Him for peace.
I'm autistic, ex-bipolar, and attracted to other guys (gay/SSA/whatever). More importantly, I'm a son of God and faithful member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (Mormons). My life is usually amazing. This is my story of hope, happiness, and faith.
Monday, July 25
Peace. Heavenly Peace.
Labels:
Direction,
Faith,
Happiness,
Hope,
Optimism,
Overcoming Temptation,
Peace,
Prayer,
Repentance
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Yes. Experiencing the peace that the Atonement brings and having a testimony of It's power is a source of pure and constant joy. I don't have to dig very far to remember that even when I feel overwhelmed. And sharing that testimony with others brings peace again and again. I pray that Heavenly Father will continue to give you peace in the knowledge that you are clean. Your testimony helps me to remember that others trust my Father as much as I do. And that is a source of hope.
ReplyDeletein the midst of all that your are going through....its great that you depend on God to see you through everything!
ReplyDeleteIt's good that you can see and be thankful for those things that are good in your life, hopefully there will be more peace and less chaos for you.
ReplyDeletei can feel your peace as i read this. i like this a lot. i love to find others who find strength in the scriptures and depend on God constantly. it humbles me a ton!
ReplyDeleteI read something that is a comfort to me, maybe it will be one for you...Why I joined, Why I believe by Clayton Christensen. Google it..it reminds of things I know for sure...
ReplyDeleteYes, only God can give us peace that passes all understanding.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing your experience. I can feel your testimony as I read your well written words.
ReplyDeleteI think we all feel like we're getting nowhere sometimes - or at least we're not progressing at the rate we'd like to. But you're right - it helps to recognize the smaller, every day accomplishments that are the strong base leading to the bigger accomplishments. This post gave me encouragement that I'm not alone in this, and encouragement to keep putting one foot in front of the other. Good thoughts.
ReplyDeleteYou are an inspiration! Thank you so much for sharing your optimism, testimony, and unwavering faith.
ReplyDeleteDear Mormon Guy,
ReplyDeleteI have a friend that recently came out that he's gay. He's 16 years old and yes, he's a Mormon too. He's having a really difficult time with getting people to accept him. I love him to death and treat him exactly the same. But how can I help him, with out making him feel like I'm trying to change him?