I'm talking with someone. We're catching up on life, laughing, and we just ran out of small talk. The conversation is about to switch gears.
And I'm afraid.
Telling people about (Gay) Mormon Guy has connected me with a fear I didn't know I had. I find myself tripping over words, trying to figure out the best way to speak, and afraid.
I'm not afraid of many things. Usually I can think through my feelings and let fear go. I just try to think of the worst possible outcome, and then come to grips with the fact that it isn't all that bad. "How could I be happy even if that happened?" And the worst possible isn't necessarily probably.
That's what gave me the courage to talk to people on my mission, or to ask a girl out when I knew she was interested but didn't really know what to do.
I guess I am afraid of some things. Afraid of being a stumbling block in someone's life. Or not being a good friend or doing something wrong that impacts the people I love. And that's the fear that comes out.
I'm afraid of being so totally open. Laying everything in my life out to display... because somewhere deep inside myself, I remember what it was like when I first saw it all laid out.
For a long time I couldn't love myself. I was never good enough, and nothing I could do was enough to make up for the shortfalls I saw in the mirror. I could serve others, know that God loved me... but it took me a long time to love myself and really understand who I was - behind the talents and trials and blessings and gifts and environmental factors... to see the real me.
I guess the fear I've felt is fear that the people I love will have the same reaction that I did. That they'll look at me, see my faults and flaws and failings, and think that I'm not worth it. As I write this, I know that's completely inaccurate. My family and people around me love me more than I could ever communicate. But I also don't think that I'm the only one who has had that belief.
Courage is doing something even when I'm afraid. But the Lord doesn't ask me to have courage. He asks me to have faith. Faith is one step further - losing fear entirely. Which means that I still have a ways to go. But at least I'm getting closer.
I'm autistic, ex-bipolar, and attracted to other guys (gay/SSA/whatever). More importantly, I'm a son of God and faithful member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (Mormons). My life is usually amazing. This is my story of hope, happiness, and faith.
Tuesday, October 30
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Thank you for sharing your story and being open about your fears. I remember when I first told people about my SSA. One occasion I was so nervous that I started to have a little panic attack. I was breathing really shallow and my heart was racing. My hands were shaking. It's this fear of rejection, or just being misunderstood. While I'm a woman, and bi-sexual and therefore can't fully relate to you; I can in part. It's so scary to live an open life. But I told people about my SSA about 3 years ago, and my life is so much better for it. I pray for you and all like you and me. I pray that we will find peace and happiness and love.
ReplyDeleteThank you for this post. Your perspective is always so enlightening and you have the ability to put to words the feelings in my heart. I am in the process of becoming open and "merging my words" as well, and it has been terrifying to me. I am afraid that I will have to feel what I felt when the world first came crashing down on me. I am terrified that some portion of these feelings will be felt by those who I love as I include them in my struggle. But I hope and know that things will work out. There can be faith to dispel the fear. Thank you for reminding me of that.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing your thoughts and so much of what you've learned. I don't have the same trials you do, but your faith and diligence provide great insight into trials in general. Thank you for your faith and your willingness to dig deeply, and then share with us what you've found.
ReplyDelete