I haven't been here on (G)MG lately. My life has pulled me in a thousand directions and I find myself with barely enough time to sit and think... let alone write something sublime.
But today something happened that I need to record, and at least some of you will want to know.
I made the decision to merge my worlds.
It's been on my mind for a while. The possibility has, at least. But it was never really an option because my anonymity was God-defined. The Lord told me to protect my anonymity at all costs... so only He could rescind that instruction - or especially tell me to do the opposite.
It struck a chord when Quintin L Cook spoke a few months ago about being real, but I realized that his comments were to safeguard morality - not to demoralize those who live dual righteous lives. It has come as a thought a dozen, a thousand times, as I've thought about it perhaps being easier to live one life than to have a busy reality alongside an unknown, yet still busy alter-ego named Mormon Guy.
But none of those are the reasons why. The last few weeks I've slowly realized that, as Mormon Guy, I can do good in the anonymous space of (G)MG... but as myself, I, perhaps, could do a little more. Merging my worlds is the next step in finding ways to make the world a better place.
There are a thousand reasons not to. It could destroy what little exists of my social life. Turn away people close to me. Mar me professionally. Make it close to impossible to get a date. Put my family into a moral bind as they work through finding the hand of the Lord for themselves - they fiercely love me, and I'm pretty sure the shock would turn into frustration and a sense of injustice. Shower me with real live hate mail. Immerse my family in a contentious discussion they've never imagined. Inject me into the midst of contention. Make it harder for people - in real life and online - to forgive my faults, and easier to see them. And potentially make any experience with guys loaded and frustrating. (Part of me wants to punch any guy who asks me if I'm attracted to them in the gut.)
But even though it's terrifying, the potential of reaching one more person - helping one more person not commit suicide - physical or spiritual - would make all the pain worth it.
So today I made the decision and turned to the Heavens for confirmation. And, for the first time, I felt peace.
I'm not going to call it coming out, because, for me, that statement carries deep connotations that I don't want associated with my life. I'm not asking my family or friends to be more understanding of who I am. This may be much harder on them than on me. I'm not trying to make a statement to the world or get out of the stress of dating or whatever. I'm simply opening the door of my life both ways... and I have faith that it will allow me to be a greater influence for good.
It's not going to happen today. Or tomorrow. I have to tell my family, and that's going to take some time. Thankfully, I already know how I'm going to do it - I'll just tell them about this blog, give them a few specific posts to read (or verbally explain the concepts), and then answer whatever questions they have. Then I need to tell the other people in my life. But someday, at least according to the plan, I'll merge my worlds entirely. And then everyone will be able to see the hand of God in the aspects of my life.
In the meantime, do any of you have any good ideas (that's vague - these can be just random ideas that have no testing, or anecdotal advice, though references to scripture or talks would be great) of how to tell people in the second group - those who aren't close friends, but are still involved in my life? I have the blog to use as context, but I've had some really bad experiences in the past with fallout. How would you want to know?