Wednesday, March 2
Blog Fast: Day 2
My life has been beyond crazy recently. Everything seems to go wrong, depression strikes, friends disappear, and family members seem totally clueless to what I'm going through. It's actually a pretty normal outline of how life has been for the last many years, but I've been realizing more and more that my life, with its chaos and constant ups and downs, isn't the norm, among Mormons, gay Mormons, or even gay Mormon guys. Most people are way more chill than I am in life – even other gay Mormon guys, and even though I find huge amounts of peace in living the gospel and turning to God, most people don't live their lives in constant upheaval unless they're bipolar.
So I went to the temple asking for direction. Asking for help and meaning – trying to understand what makes me tick, and why my life is constantly racing at breakneck speed when everyone else seems able to nonchalantly stroll. And the answer I got was striking.
The Lord gives us each exactly what we need to give us the best chance to return to Him. That's how He determines our trials, our gifts, our talents, our blessings, the events and circumstances in our lives over which we have little control. But that extends to others as well – the Lord gives them exactly what they need to give them the best chance to return to Him. Exactly why I live with being attracted to guys when the next guy over seems to have life all figured out? I don't know. But I know that, right now, there are lessons I need to learn from my life and lessons he needs to learn from his. Who knows – maybe he'll end up getting cancer at 45 and having to learn some lesson then. Maybe I'll have already learned the lesson another way, or I'll get cancer at 45, too. Ultimately, though, life is completely and totally fair – not equal, but fair – designed with our eternal well-being in mind and crafted perfectly for each individual who ever came to this earth.
So I embrace the constant upheaval of my life. I have the tools to conquer my depression, to reach out and to bless others, and to slowly become better. And, somehow, I find myself finding pearls of meaning among the chaos.