I met a really handsome guy yesterday, and we had a chance to talk a bit about life.
He had it all put together. Goals for his future, totally in love with his newlywed wife, both of them beaming from the inside out...
As our conversation progressed, I found myself feeling a mixture of admiration and happiness for this guy. You know the feeling you get when you meet someone who is honestly a good person, through and through? That's how I felt.
You don't become an honestly good person unless you make good choices, consistently, in the face of major trials... I don't know what trials he's faced, but I could tell that he was a really good guy.
As the conversation ended and we parted ways, I found myself reflecting on my own life... and inevitably comparing myself to him. Not always useful. I know. But it happened anyway.
He's blissfully married... and I'm not. I don't have a woman at my side who shares my love and thoughts and dreams. Right now I don't even have a girlfriend. He has his life planned out... I have some direction for my life, but nowhere near that amount.
But the part that hit me hardest was on spirituality.
I'm usually the stalwart guy who has faith all put together. But over the last little while, pieces of my life have been falling apart. Everything from physical health to professional direction to social environments has gone through complete overhaul... and somehow in the midst of the chaos I lost what was most important to me. My prayers became shorter and less fervent. My scripture study got tacked on late at night or not at all. And those two set a shaky foundation that eventually dropped everything else from its place. I'm even realizing, as I write, that I forgot to pay my tithing.
I'm not at rock bottom. I mean, I have a complete and sure knowledge of Christ, of His Church, and of the blessings that come through exercising faith. I know that those who keep the commandments receive all the blessings that God has promised.
I just lost sight of that.
Thankfully, though, I know how to go back. Take time every day to really, sincerely pray... to lay out my life on the altar before God and work out my salvation with Him. Study the scriptures and keep them close... have them become the first place I turn when a moment is free, and the first place I go when a question arises. I just have to put the habits I spent so long learning back into place.
I'm not sure if what I feel is true jealousy. I want what this guy has - a happy family, direction in life, and an unwavering connection with God. But I know how to get there... and our conversation was enough to help me realize where I'm lacking and which way to go.
I'm autistic, ex-bipolar, and attracted to other guys (gay/SSA/whatever). More importantly, I'm a son of God and faithful member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (Mormons). My life is usually amazing. This is my story of hope, happiness, and faith.
Sunday, September 16
3 comments:
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You and I are in the same spot, needing and wanting to get back to the same spot of reading the scriptures, paying tithing earlier, fasting more, etc. It was such a huge part of me for so long and with the marriage, divorce, and the trial of my faith and hope it's been slow and coming. I've had spiritual experiences that tell me to do it, but it has yet to come to fruition. I spent the morning driving to work imagining being with a man on many levels and I know to get that I need to get there to where I was. Thanks for another reminder.
ReplyDeleteI'm in the same place right now, too. My prayer life as an individual is almost non-existent, and as for scripture study - I could fill a whole blog post of my own about just how badly that is going right now. In fact, I might. Getting my thoughts out could help!
ReplyDeleteThis part of your post really hit me - "You don't become an honestly good person unless you make good choices, consistently, in the face of major trials..." I've had a fair few trials recently, and I haven't always been on the ball with my decisions and actions whilst going through them. And yet here I am wondering why things don't change... I'm thinking I need to learn to be more honest with myself about how I'm doing, then actively seek change.
I'm sorry - I didn't mean to ramble on like this. But thank you for such a thought provoking post! And good luck on your journey :-)
Great Site and post. I can't totally empathize with you because our experiences are different but with that said I have gone through times when I have had similar feelings. I grew up in salt lake and by the time I as 23 the vast majority of my friends were married. I am now married but not until I was 28 which meant for several years I felt as though I had been denied many of the same blessings and joys that my friends had experienced which often led to feelings of resentment and jealousy. I also experienced this when my wife and I discovered we could not have children. Again I felt the same feelings of being denied a righteous blessing.
ReplyDeleteI have found that for me the best thing to resolve these feelings of jealousy was to look at all the things going well and not focus on the "cwhite spce".
Again our experiences are different but in many ways we all go through siliar challenges of wanting something righteous and not getting it immediately.
Keep it up.