I find that holidays seem to bring out the best and worst in me. The best, as I have the opportunity to spend a few days away from the stress of life - trying to relax. The worst, as I find myself brooding over the events in my life and wondering exactly which way I'm supposed to go.
This holiday season was no different.
I sat down to try to make goals for my life, and realized that, in many cases, I don't really even have a direction that I'm traveling. I'm just living each day as it comes. And without a direction, it's useless to create a goal to get there.
Living each day in the moment has some major benefits. I don't have to worry about what will happen tomorrow, or the next day, or the next. Keeping the commandments is far easier when you only look forward to the end of the day, and then let the next day fend for itself. But there are major drawbacks as well. It's hard to tell exactly what I've accomplished, how I've made a difference in the world (if any), and how I am changing in my life. Am I really any better than I was two months ago? Or a year ago? If so, how? Maybe I'm just really bad at remembering the things I write and the concepts they entail in my life, but I find myself wondering about if I'm even moving forward at all - and where forward is, if I'm moving there. And that's where I am today. Not really sure which direction I'm supposed to be going, in any of the facets of my life, and trying to stay afloat and on top of the commitments I've already made.
Somedays I feel like I am a living teeter-totter. Going back and forth and back and forth just because - with nothing really stable to hold on to. The gospel is stable, and following it's principles will always bring peace, but how those principles apply and what they mean to me seem to change with each passing day.
Wow. This post doesn't make a lot of sense. But, then again, neither does life sometimes. And there's the take-away: if I live my life the best I can, regardless of how much sense it does or doesn't make to me or others, the Lord will make it all work out in the end. All things will be for my good, if I serve God and keep His commandments. So that's the only direction that really matters. Stay close to God, come unto Him, and it will all work out. Nice.
I'm autistic, ex-bipolar, and attracted to other guys (gay/SSA/whatever). More importantly, I'm a son of God and faithful member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (Mormons). My life is usually amazing. This is my story of hope, happiness, and faith.
Tuesday, January 3
2 comments:
Comment Rules:
(G)MG is how I write to you. Commenting is one way to write to me.
If you want your comment published: No swearing, graphic content, name-calling of any kind, or outbound links to anything but official Church sites.
In addition, comments must be 100% relevant, funny, uplifting, helpful, friendly... well-written, concise, and true. Disparaging comments often don't meet those standards. Comments on (G)MG are personal notes to me, not part of a comment war. You are not entitled to have your ideas hosted on my personal blog. There are a zillion places for that, and only one (G)MG.
And I'd suggest writing your comment in Word and pasting it. That way Blogger won't eat it if it's over the word limit.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
The title of your post here is delightfully deceptive. It is almost juxtaposed against the entry itself, which seems to be about a general LACK of resolution to the life choices facing you. Well, we've all been/are there. :)
ReplyDeleteI put up a rather inconclusive post myself today. (http://gaymormoninsights.blogspot.com/2012/01/souvenirs-from-hell-and-altar-of.html)
Hang in there, friend.
My best,
Obadiah
Please don't think that you haven't made a difference. Simply voicing your ideas on this blog has helped me understand a point of view I might never have gotten otherwise. Thank you for the public demonstration of your faith.
ReplyDelete