For most of my life I honestly believed that no one in the world understood me. When we talked about temptations that people have in Sunday School, being attracted to guys was definitely not one of them. And while there are stories in the scriptures of men who repented of adultery, murder, and tons of other sins, the scriptures never share that type of story about men like me. At the same time, the population of anti/ex-Mormon gay voices is becoming more predominant... and the message they share is usually very clear: the Church was not a hospitable place for us.
Together, those circumstances made me think I couldn't exist... or at least that my ideal self - being happy, fulfilled, and faithful - would be impossible. That living an active life in the Church would incur huge amounts of pain - or at the least, would require me to "deny who I was" and "live without love" for the rest of mortality.
But I was wrong.
One of my key flaws was thinking I was alone in the fight - like President Monson in his story about boot camp in the Navy, I thought that I would have to stand alone - me against the world and every statistic that claims happiness isn't possible. But, like in the story shared in General Conference, as I made my stand I realized that there were men right behind me who felt the same. Men who knew who I was, and who had walked in similar paths.
Today I look around and see the shroud of hidden darkness beginning to disappear. Film studies about men who are faithful and LDS. Books written and published by Deseret Book. Useful and relevant topical research guides on homosexuality at LDS.org. And a commmunication network that unites us all in brotherhood.
The truth is, there has always been Someone who understood me - God Himself. And when I wondered if life was even worth trying to live, He knew what it was like. Christ suffered all things - including my struggles, like feeling alone with SSA in the Church... and because of that, He is always at our side. He understands us and wants us to grow, keep the commandments, and find happiness and peace in doing what is right - becoming like Him. He will never abandon us. And because of that, we are never alone.
I'm autistic, ex-bipolar, and attracted to other guys (gay/SSA/whatever). More importantly, I'm a son of God and faithful member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (Mormons). My life is usually amazing. This is my story of hope, happiness, and faith.
Sunday, October 9
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"the population of anti/ex-Mormon gay voices is becoming more predominant... and the message they share is usually very clear: the Church was not a hospitable place for us."
ReplyDeleteDoes your mission in life include or preclude you from making the Church a more hospitable place for people who have found the Church to be lacking in hospitality? If it includes that mission, what work can be done in this area? If it precludes that mission, why?
In all my dealings, I have never once felt that God did not understand me. Thanks for the post.
ReplyDeleteI have struggled with my attraction to guys cince my childhood. I need help. I appreciate the idea of this blog and think it is a great idea! Thanks
ReplyDeleteAnonymous:
ReplyDeleteIt definitely includes. I echo the prophets when they say that members of the Church need to be kinder, more loving, more forgiving, and more understanding as they uphold the standards of the gospel. And I think it happens one person and conversation at a time - not preached over the pulpit. Changing people takes time an effort and the power of God... And ultimately that's what God wants to accomplish - changing each of us to fit the men He sees within our hearts. For some of us, it's changing our minds. For others, it's changing their hearts. For all of us, it means changing the very core of who we are to become like Christ.
Anonymous #2:
ReplyDeleteIf you haven't already, send me an email and we can talk. My contact info is on the "contact me" page.
I just want to say how much respect and admiration I have for you. You have such a strong testimony. It's always nice to have a different perspective to help us understand and cope with the many trials of life. My nephew is gay and it's hard to watch the struggles he's had to go through with our society. I know that is not an easy life. Thank you for your openness and honesty. Your posts are always filled with inspiration. Thank you so much!
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed reading the posts on your blog. I would like to invite you to come on over to my blog and check it out. God bless, Lloyd
ReplyDeleteamen! i know that for a while i would feel the exact same way. it took a lot of self and spiritual growth to allow me to develop a better relationship with the Lord in order to feel his presence whenever i needed him the most. Great post!!
ReplyDeletehttp://infinitelifefitness.com
http://mscomposure.blogspot.com
I love your blog, because, although we are very different in our daily struggles, I know exactly how you feel. I'm sure many people who read it do. It's the reason I started my own blog--I have often felt out of place and caught between two worlds. I have been told I couldn't exist in the church with differences between myself and others in the church. However, it is where I most like to be and I know that God understands who I am and what I'm trying to do in life. Sometimes it's a difficult place to be, the inbetween, but the most important thing is to continue to try and put some faith in Heavenly Father.
ReplyDeleteChurch is for those who aren't perfect. Church is for those with struggles. God is for those with struggles. My brother likes to call the church a "hospital" for the "spiritually afflicted." The people that most belong there are part of this group. If we were perfect, then there would be no need to be in a church, because we would know all there is to know. I hope that everything works out for you in life, and everything happens the way you want it to. I'll continue to read as long as you continue to post!
Absolutely amazing post. I'm deeply touched ... many of us in the church can do to re-evaluate prejudices we've allowed ourselves to accrue in spite of the counsel of the Lord's Prophets and Apostles, myself included. Wait ... I haven't subscribed yet? I think I shall ...
ReplyDeleteI just found your blog and I am one who never really comments on blogs (even blogs of close friends and family- bad- I know). I know almost nothing about members of the Church who struggle with homosexuality because if there are individuals that I know who fit that description, they have chosen not to share that with me. I respect that. I also really respect you for sharing your thoughts and experiences. Thank you for helping me to learn more about this area. I pray I can reach out and be loving, accepting, and uplifting to all of God's children in any circumstance. I feel one of the best ways to do so is to become educated. So thanks for that. I plan on reading much more.
ReplyDelete