Tuesday, February 28


I think too much. I'm not sure if that's a trait shared by other guys with same-sex attraction, or if it's just me, but I definitely think too much. I find myself poring over my thoughts, my hopes, my dreams, and my fears, and fabricating complex rationales for most of the things I believe. I'm not happy with just experiencing life - I have to understand every facet of life that I can see.

Sometimes my tendency to meditate on everything comes in handy. When I need to create a project, I can manufacture elaborate plans, come up with dozens of alternatives, and see potential pitfalls before they happen. When I am thinking about people who I care about, they fill my every waking moment - something that was great at reminding me of my purpose as a missionary.

But sometimes it isn't ideal. Take, for example, the amount of stress that dating causes me. Most people would say to just go with the flow; instead, I find myself analyzing every move before I make it, and trying to determine its impact after it's made. It affects my spirituality when I obsess over my weaknesses, and consumes me when I need to change something in my life... blowing them out of proportion and, effectively, making them a much larger part of my consciousness than they were in the first place.

I found myself thinking too much over the last few days. And then I remembered an experience from my mission. I was in Church, wondering how I was going to deal with a major problem, and it was time for the Sacrament. The prayer was said, and my mind continued to race... and then I had the thought, "Mormon Guy, you should be thinking about the Sacrament. Shhhhhhh... be quiet. Be calm. Be still and know that I am God." So I closed my eyes, calmed my racing thoughts, and, almost immediately, a bolt of clarity showed me what I needed to do. I was so engaged in worrying about the problem that I wasn't open to the Spirit and His direction in my life.

The times that I've taken time to pull myself away from the world have always been positive. I've learned about who I am, what I want to accomplish, and I understand how to better apply the gospel in my life to find happiness and joy. It's like the feeling I get in the Celestial Room of the temple - peace, understanding, perspective, and hope. For a moment, everything is right in the world.

I think that taking time to think (without falling asleep) and ponder is important. But taking time to rest - and just listen, without engaging the constant deluge of thoughts and stimuli, is just as important. I, of all people, need to remember this in my life. To take time to be holy, to stop and listen, to disengage from the insanity of life to breathe. And as I do, I'm better able to hear the Lord and follow His promptings.



  1. good thoughts. you should read the very last article in the March Ensign. It has to do a little bit with what your talking about.

  2. I can't speak for other SSA men, but I definitely have the tendency to think too much. I find that when I think too much, I'm very likely to crowd out any inspiration by the spirit. Taking time to be calm helps me be more in touch.

  3. MG, first off, thank you for not being offended by my Part 1 & Part 2 comments to your "(Drowning) In the Dating Pool" post. And you are right, I do care about you, as my brother, even though we have not corresponded in over 2 months (which just means we are both really busy).

    Second, this is a great post. You seem to have been pondering some of the things that were said in the comments to your dating pool post (or perhaps I'm just imagining you were), and yet, interestingly, your words came full circle and helped me take a better approach to a decision I am in the middle of right now.

    Third, I fully anticipate I will be reading some day in the not too distant future a post on this blog announcing your engagement to a girl you care about and are attracted to. I have faith in you and in God about that (if you can begin believing it yourself that is). It happened for me and I'm just a normal guy like you; no better or no more worthy than you -- so there is absolutely no reason it won't happen for you. And sooner rather than later, I believe.

    Last, we ALL need to get over ourselves from time to time.


    your friend and fellow brother on this journey

  4. I think this is a problem for anyone trying to live more 'deliberately' and 'authentically'. I put that in quotes because the terms kind of annoy me sometimes, but in this context I see it as attempting to strike that balance between personal effort and grace. Thank you. I needed this today.

  5. I'm the exact same way; every little action gets over-analyzed until it's like a marked up passage in a book with notes all over the place and I'm still trying to find fifteen different ways to read it. It causes a lot of pain sometimes, and can weaken my mind, fatigue me. But on the flip side it causes me to see the world differently than others do and the over-thinking gets me to find unique points of view that I enjoy.

    It always surprises me when I come here and I read a post of yours that deals with almost exactly what I'm going through. It always uplifts me.

  6. I think we share the same brain. I'm glad I took the time to come back to your blog (it's been awhile) to read this post. It was exactly what I needed to hear. :) Thank you.


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