I think that part of it must come from pornography. Obsessing over visual images of the male form over time, regardless of present context, definitely created pathways that influenced my view of what men should look like. What I should look like.
I think that part of it is a belief somewhere inside of me that if I match the perfect image of the male form, I'll somehow fit in. Maybe people will like me more (wow, that sounds a bit shallow... but if it helps people overcome other prejudices to at least try to get closer, that's ok, right?) or I'll be more adept at navigating the roles that I've struggled to fill in the past.
That part stands in direct conflict with the (usually ruling) part of my mind that is ardently opposed to body image issues. The importance is what I do with my body, not what it looks like, and I can't be on a more restrictive diet for health... nor could I find a healthier diet than the one I was on before. I'm doing the right thing there; whatever my body decides to do is fine... and I can love myself regardless.
I've never rejected someone as a friend because of their body. Do physical attractions differ from one guy to the next? Definitely. Physical attraction determines whether or not I'm initially physically drawn to a guy. But if there isn't emotional and then spiritual attraction, the physical is short-lived. Even with really good-looking guys. So it's interesting that part of me thinks that maybe people would reject me for my body - especially when I usually feel pretty good about it. And it makes me wonder about using beauty as a method to overcome other potential obstacles and bring people closer. I know that I'm attracted to certain guys more than others at first glance; I'd assume it's similar for others. But I also know that different guys like different guys... which complicates matters. Lol.
In the end, I think that I'll just be happy with where I am now, and constantly try to do the "right thing"... and be happy with whatever results I get. If I morph my body into the perfect male form that is hidden somewhere inside my mind, great. If I look just like I do now, great. Regardless of what happens, I can make this work, and be happy about the outcome.
It's been very helpful to me to remember that Satan and his followers will never have the gift of physical bodies, and as such will do everything possible to push us to either end of the spectrum -- either to engage in false worship of our own bodies, or to despise and misuse them. Both are contrary to the will of the God who gave us physical bodies.
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