Culture, Connection, Personal Identity, and the War Between Good and Evil

I realize that having just messed with my life makes anything I say pretty suspect. But I've had these thoughts long before last night.

Connection comes from a multitude of different sources. But one major source is cultural identity. It's easy to identify as a Child of God, and to believe in Church doctrine. The problem is that, in order to survive in today's world, I also need to identify as Mormon - and be a part of Church culture as well. 

---

I identify with a cultural group to add value to the group and to get meaning from it. But in order to gain meaning from a group, I need to both be accepted by others and feel accepted. The criteria to determine if someone is acceptable in a culture is defined by core cultural tenets - essentially characteristics that are required to be in the "In" crowd. Core tenets can be anything from gender to beliefs or IQ. Sometimes core tenets can be learned or assumed, and sometimes they can't. Either way, all cultural groups have at least one thing in common: the only people allowed in are those who completely match the core. There are always extra optional beliefs as well, but you have to match the core to be in.

Beneath a culture are subcultural groups. In the Catholic Church, for example, there are dozens of orders - convents, monasteries, and religious schools of thought with widely varying belief systems. Each subculture has the exact same core as Catholicism, but then adds other core tenets to its beliefs - and some subcultures are actually exclusive. But each of those subcultures is a valid expression of the culture as a whole.

The last pro-cultural possibility is cross-culture. Cross-culture is where two or more cultures combine all of their core tenets, and the individuals involved reap the benefits of being part of both groups.

Culture, subculture, and cross-culture each present authentic, meaningful opportunities to belong to a group and find connection.

But what happens when I want to belong to a culture... But I don't match the core?

Enter counterculture.

If each person was a superhero, then the story would end here. If I need physical connection with other guys, and modern culture doesn't allow it, then I switch out that belief for another one, fight the battle on the battlefield alone, and I'm good to go.

But it's not that simple.

By eliminating a core tenet, I am cut off from the social structure of my culture - in two discrete ways. First, those who know about my core reject me. Second... and far more damaging... with the knowledge that my core beliefs don't match, even if no one else knows, I don't feel like I belong.

And since connection is the opposite of addiction, losing my connection to culture puts my at risk for addictive and dangerous behaviors.

So I look for another option - an option of a group that will accept me where I can belong.

And that's counterculture.

Counterculture is a sub-unit of a given culture where one or more core tenets is removed and/or reversed. The United States of America began as British counterculture, as ex-Mormonism is basically Mormon counterculture.

It would still seem simple to just assume an identity in counterculture. But there's still another issue. Countercultures have all sorts of strange cultural phenomena, and often look nothing like the culture on which they are based. Also, because they are only fragments of culture, they usually don't have the breadth to provide someone with an expansive connected experience. Countercultures are not accepted into the culture as a whole, and members, while they may actively identify, usually need to seek elsewhere to complete their connection. If the counterculture is able to develop into a full-fledged society, then awesome. But most don't. And as time goes on, individuals will find they have to identify with a culture instead of a shadow - and so yet again they are pulled between poles.

So at the end of the day, people have to make the choice which culture they will choose.

This is why Mormons and gays will never create a perfect cross-culture.

A core tenet in gay culture is sex.

A core tenet in Mormon doctrine (which is a defining part of culture) is chastity outside of marriage between a man and a woman.

Neither of those is changing, and so cross-culture will never truly work.

This is also why Mormons and gay Mormons currently struggle to understand one another... and one reason why so many gay Mormons leave the Church.

A current core tenet in Mormon culture (not doctrine) is no deep physical affection can be shared between men.

A core need in gay Mormons is to have deep physical connections with other men.

And that leaves gay Mormons in a bind. Either try to live without connection (and become deeply susceptible to addiction and sin), or connect in secret (and feel estranged from society... and become a little less deeply susceptible to addiction and sin).

There is one other option. Cultures change, and there are people who are accepted into cultures even though they may not actually match the core. These people are influencers - or cultural change agents. People who are seen as edgy, or leaders in the culture - and who may champion a shift in cultural ideology. Identifying as a change agent allows all the cultural problems to not affect you - since you are deeply invested in fixing/improving the culture. Being accepted as a change agent allows you to be at least somewhat integrated into cultural norms.

Gay Mormons could identify as change agents and still accept Doctrinal concepts (and seek to change Church culture), which would allow them to connect openly. But being a change agent is a lot harder than it sounds.

---

The first thing I want to change is for Church culture to own everything that is good. To reclaim the battlegrounds and declare that everything good is good. I want Church culture to shift and match Church doctrine... So that people aren't forced into counterculture and its attendant darkness to find meaning in their lives. The gay Mormon issue is only one issue with current Church culture vs doctrine. In most cases, it seems like people don't leave the Church because of the doctrine. They leave because of the people.

The second is that I want Church culture to treat addiction and sin as Christ & the prophets of The Book of Mormon did. Both prophets Alma typified themselves as vile sinners. But they realized there is a difference between the sinner and the sin. And I want our culture to truly love the sinner - as he is completely, all his sins visible. To lay them out on the table and look at Church as a hospital rather than a showroom. I want my ward and stake, when I walk in, to know me, my problems, my soul - and I want the ability to feel connected and find help there.

Yesterday a guy introduced himself in my Elder's Quorum. He shared his name, and that was it. That tells me nothing. Nothing about his work, his school, his life, his passions, his dreams, or his problems. Which means that in order to help him this week, I would have to get specific revelation from God Himself to tell me how.

I want my Elder's Quorum, and my ward, to be a place where I can share my problems and help others. Where I can be truly authentic about the things that I'm facing without feeling shame. And where I can feel like I completely belong - even though I make mistakes and need to continue changing in my life. And so I'll ask for help on Sunday and hopefully won't die from the stress.

---

I've wanted to write this post for a while. The thoughts in my head have been spinning for weeks now... And I guess my recent experience has made me realize how important it really is.

As far as cultural change, I'm going to do the following:

1: In my own personal life, I'm going to talk about my needs (own the good) and my problems (love the sinner) more openly.

2: In my ward, I'm going to try to push for change where I can. This Sunday in Elders Quorum, I'll take the plunge, share my experience from last night, and ask the other elders for help feeling connected.

3: In the Church as a whole, here on (G)MG and in the few interactions I have with Church leaders, I'm going to talk about owning the good and loving the sinner as much as I can.

4: In the community at large, I've finally identified what I want to do next. For my next endeavor, I want to create a place where people can come to feel connected. I don't know how yet... But that's my goal.

---

I think we can do this. 

No. I know we can do this.

Will you help me change our world?

Me... And My Horrible, Terrible, No Good, Very Bad Choice.

I want to start by simply saying I am sorry. More sorry than I have ever been.

One of the major tenets of the Church culture I want to someday see realized is a universal expectation of authenticity. To have each guy get to Elder's Quorum and be able to say, "I went too far with a guy this last week, and the experience made me realize that I need more positive connections in my life... and I need help figuring out how to change my heart. Can you guys help me?"

But culture doesn't just happen on its own. Someone has to make it happen - to take the first step into the unknown of pushing culture into change.

It just seems ironic that I'll be the first one saying it.

(Gay) Mormon Guy has always been an idyllic blog about my experience with being attracted to guys. Often I delve into deeper issues, but usually it doesn't accurately capture the constant emotional ordeal that is being gay and Mormon.

Perhaps, today it will.

Warning. This is long. But of all the posts I've ever written, I think this is worth it.

Some background:

Over the last little while I've been actively looking for gay men to connect with. It honestly began as wanting to find attractive guys to cuddle with - cuddle up on a couch and watch a movie - something totally innocent and benign. It stemmed from a lack of connection in my own life - a feeling that seems to come and go of its own accord.

That original desire faded pretty quickly into the background, though, as I realized that there were a whole lot of guys who just needed someone to listen or give them advice. Maybe cuddling was the reason I originally met with the first person... but the reason I kept looking was to find people who needed God.

Most of the time, God went with me. In many instances, I was able to look into guys' eyes and see in their hearts what they needed to do to change their lives. I invited them to make the change... and had amazing experiences watching some of them grow.

And sometimes God wasn't there... and I ran away. Just because a guy says he's willing to just cuddle doesn't mean he actually is. The gay world is saturated with sex, and many guys can't even dream of meeting another person without sex involved. One guy years ago put it this way, "Sexual contact is just part of life. (Stimulating a guy), to me, is like a handshake. Oral sex is like a simple kiss goodnight." 

Consider that many gay men have sexual contact of some sort on the first date or contact with another guy... and one study found that sexually active gay men can have sex with literally hundreds of different partners... and that makes a bit more sense.

That was the culture where I was finding people... the culture of being gay. About as deep into the mire of sin and temptation as someone could go... and I had amazing experiences. Yes, I met people to cuddle with and had good, tame cuddles. But the experiences I'm talking about were missionary experiences. Counseling a guy away from suicide. Inviting another to make changes in his life. Helping others completely transform theirs. Rebuilding hope and inspiring change and helping people feel wanted and loved.

But there were also not-so-good experiences. Times when a guy would grab my crotch, or I'd let him begin to grind on me without telling him to stop for 5 seconds. When a guy would try to kiss me full on the lips and I'd have to dodge.

You see, cuddling and close physical interaction have always been valuable parts of human intimacy. When done in the open, cuddling stays cuddling much more easily. But in recent years, the war between Good and Evil has made Good give up ground. When Evil says it wants something, maybe Good fights for a little while... but eventually it gives in and abandons the territory. That's what happened with physical intimacy. Evil decided to make all close physical contact into a series of sexual advances, and Good backed away... Until we became ok with touch-free workplaces and having a handshake be the only acceptable physical expression of love outside of marriage. We claim it's to keep us safe from the world. But when the culture of Good abandons territory, there are always casualties. Each child of God is tied to a portion of the battlefield because of his or her trials and circumstances... and when the forces of Good withdraw, the people who live on that portion of the field are left completely alone.

And when the battlefield where I'm fighting has been abandoned, I have two readily available choices. I can fight alone, without support from the people I need most, or I can give up and give in.

That's what has happened with gay Mormons.

And even what has happened with me.

Gay Mormons have the innate need to connect deeply with other men - emotionally and physically. All men have the need for brotherhood, but the need for gay men runs deeper... And most of the time you can't just make it go away.

When it was ok to have close, physical interaction between men (from 6000 to around 100 years ago), we saw photos and read accounts of men holding hands, embracing, wrestling and roughhousing. John rested on Christ's bosom during the Last Supper, men slept together in the same beds, and David & Jonathan were closer than close.

But Evil somehow claimed part of touch and physical intimacy in the last days... and what was once accepted as part and parcel of life is now suspect and shunned.

And because it is shunned in most current Church cultures, the physical contact that gay men feel they need to survive usually has to happen in dark, secluded places... places usually reserved for far darker acts. 

In my own experience, when the cuddling was good, everything was perfect. But there in the darkness, there were some moments when I allowed the edge of my boundaries to be pushed. Or I pushed them. And, each time I did, a bit of darkness flowed inside me.

And then last night happened.

I went for a cuddle and a conversation with a guy. Long story short, after breaking what I thought were strong moral boundaries, I found myself stimulating him, and him me.

It didn't take long for the sense of guilt, frustration... and, most of all, disappointment to set in my heart. I'm pretty sure I felt them even while it was happening. I felt awful. Awful for ruining another guy's life, awful for ruining my own, awful for betraying everyone in my life, and awful because I know better. If anyone in the entire gay Mormon world knows the end result of sexual sin, it's me.

And yet I did something like that?

There is obviously something wrong with my heart. Jesus would never do something like that... and I'm trying to be like Him. Sin is a manifestation of an unwillingness to trust and follow God. What do I need to change in my soul to burn out the darkness that has somehow made its way inside?

The feeling of dread of having to tell my bishop was shortly eclipsed by the feeling of dread of telling everyone else in my life. My best friend will probably kill me, then stop being my friend. Everyone else will be incredibly hurt... my family, my ward, and everyone else in my life.

I'm actually pondering posting this tomorrow, after my family leaves for a week-long trip, so that I don't have to face them.

Except that I want culture to change.

I need culture to change.

And I need to change.

The last few weeks I've had a realization of how deeply influential culture is in people's lives. My best friend showed me a TED talk about addiction and connection that rang true to me - you should watch it here (http://upliftconnect.com/opposite-addiction-connection/). The title is this: The Opposite of Addiction is Connection. Please watch it.

The speaker goes through a number of studies and pieces of history to show that how we usually deal with addictive or destructive behaviors (shaming and isolation) actually causes them to happen more... where actively seeking to help people feel connected can keep them from becoming addicts or choosing destructive behaviors in the first place.

After making an awful mistake last night, part of me feels like I should shun the world, and break off contact with everyone - especially anyone and anything that could trigger me again. Except that shunning connection, that talk shares and I am just now realizing, is exactly the opposite of what I should do. Running away from relationships may be the easy way out, but that's just likely to trigger even worse addictive or dangerous behaviors.

Instead, I need to reach out more.

But how could I be so stupid?

...

Perhaps the only positive thing that could come of my sins is my ability to go through the repentance process. To be open and candid with the world and to hopefully show someone else that sexual sin isn't worth it. Not worth it to experiment with. Not worth it to even try once.

I've already texted my executive secretary. I have a meeting with my bishop on Wednesday night... and somehow, through the Grace of God, the things that I've done can be washed away completely. Not to say it won't be hard. I've known a lot about God. Trusted Him. Followed Him. And those who are close to God usually have to work harder when they turn away. Maybe I'll end up having a disciplinary council. Maybe I'll lose my membership in the Church and have to be baptized again. Those might sound disproportionate... but sometimes God is light with me, and sometimes He is tough.

Those would be scary. But, right now, I'm ok with any and all of that happening, as long as I get back to God.

At this point, I'm willing to do anything to change my heart so that something like that never, ever, ever happens again... and so that I can spend the rest of my days close to Him.

"Bad" Things and "Good" People

This post is long. And convoluted. But I've needed to post it for a long time now... and I finally have at least something down... so please forgive the mess that is here. I suggest reading it in parts.

Part 1:

I always wondered why so many people who leave the Church become atheists.

I finally think I know why.

Church doctrine teaches truth. But Church culture - the beliefs and teachings that underlie Mormonism in each environment, and Utah especially - teaches a skewed viewpoint of God. And that flawed perspective pushes people away.

Let's start with some background.

God is Omnipotent.

That means He is all-powerful and can do anything that is meaningful or useful.

As far as mortality goes, God has the power to do anything. Literally anything. He can instantly send down fire from heaven to scorch armies, part seas, multiply food without other ingredients, cause and calm storms, create massive earthquakes, strike someone down or bring them back from the dead, answer prayers, heal incurable diseases, force me to do one thing or keep me from doing another, create and destroy feelings and emotions inside my heart, and turn water into wine.

Which means that literally everything that happens in mortality (with one exception - agentic thought) is under His physical control.

God is omniscient.

That means He is completely aware of all things that happen, as they happen, and knows what choices I will make before I make them. He knows my thoughts, my feelings, and every experience that I have.

Which means that everything that happens in mortality is within His awareness.

God is perfect.

That means that everything He does is perfect... and perfectly designed. He doesn't make mistakes... and He is

God is loving.

That means that God wants me to be happy and is willing to do anything to make that happen. But God knows that happiness isn't something that comes from the outside - it's something that comes from *becoming* happy - through becoming like Him. Hence, God actively ensures that every single thing that happens in life will give me the best possible chance to undergo those changes - to change and become like Him. To Him, experiences in life are simply tools in helping me to grow and progress and ultimately find happiness in who I am.

A lack of understanding on one of these points... that's what turns people away.

The biggest?

A misunderstanding of God's love.

I'm not sure how it began.

But at some point, people began believing misunderstanding God... and mixing human ideology with truths that came from Him.

The first? That "blessings" and "trials" are two different boxes of mortal conditions.

According to Mormon culture ideology, "blessings" are all that is good that comes from God. God gives blessings out like gold stars to those who follow Him and keep His commandments. Blessings are always positive. They're golden sunsets, rain when I ask for it, green lights when I'm running late, healing of the sick, wealth, and answers to prayers. Blessings make life simpler, make it easy to smile... and bring us happiness... and if I have a lot of blessings, that's easy proof that I am choosing the right.

"Trials," on the other hand, are the things that make life hard, painful, and difficult. Trials come to everyone, but they are most especially described as consequences for choosing the wrong. Sickness, poverty, accidents, mental illness, and unanswered prayers are a few of the trials I can face. And since God gives out blessings to those who keep His commandments, it follows that those with many trials may have brought those curses upon themselves... given out as black dots of punishment upon those who refuse to follow Him.

Those are only half-truths.

And half-truths are often far more dangerous than flat-out lies.

The reality is that God cannot give me something negative.

Remember? He is perfectly good. A good tree can only give good fruit, and a good fountain can only give good water. Everything He does is good... and God can only give blessings.

The next question follows logically:
If God only gives good things... then where do the bad things come from?

Some claim that bad things come from "things outside of God's control." Perhaps God set the world in motion, and natural disasters are just "consequences of living in a fallen world." Maybe pains are just "part of mortality" or due to "the choices of others" or "required for agency."

Those are even worse lies.

God is omnipotent, remember? That means that *everything* is within His power... and that *everything* that happens in life is under His control.

It becomes complex with the insertion of sin - when I sin, and God allows my breath to sin, my body to sin, and my heart to sin, the action of a sin is not a blessing.

But, as far as it affects someone else... it has to be. God can only give blessings, and there are two parts to sin - the sin itself, and the consequence.

In the consequence, no matter who chose the action, God can only give blessings.

That's a tough thing to swallow... because this extends the "everything that happens" to literally everything.

It means that "bad" things don't happen to good people. It means that "bad" things don't happen to anyone... and, instead, that every circumstance in life is a blessing from God.

That means that being sexually abused when I was 16 was a blessing. That having bipolar was a blessing. That getting hit by a car is a blessing. That being hurt, tormented, insulted, and assaulted are all blessings.

It takes a lot of faith to believe in a God that uses pain and sorrow as symbols of love to shape His children as much as He uses flowers and rainbows.

But that's the crux of the issue.

By believing in a God that only gives positive "blessings," it follows that if I follow God, I'll get the blessings that I want... and if I'm not getting the blessings that I want, then either I'm not doing enough to get those blessings, God doesn't care, I should just take the blessings on my own, or God isn't real at all.

When I believe that God loves me, and is actively involved in my life, and that I'm not doing enough, I become a fanatic - which is what seems to happen to most gay Mormons who want to stay active in the Church. The story is pretty similar. I try to figure out what, exactly, I am doing wrong and try to get it right. The goal of my actions? To get the blessings that I want, or have the trials that I hate taken away. This always ends in "cracking"... as I realize that I've been living a lie - and that my actions won't bring the blessings or alleviate the suffering that I want.

Eventually, many people realize that their actions don't connect directly with the blessings they want. People sin, and aren't immediately struck down. People choose the right, and undergo intense pain. And the deepest desires of my heart stay unfulfilled. So perhaps the God who control all things and give blessings to them that ask doesn't care about me... I should just go get the blessings I want... or God doesn't exist at all. And thus I stop believing in God at all.

...

That's it.

I honestly think that *this* - this misunderstanding of the nature of God, of His love, of the nature of life, of the reality of life's difficulty and the purpose of pain - this misunderstanding is the reason why people actually leave the Church. I believe that God will give me the blessing I want, and when He doesn't, I'm unwilling to trust Him. This is the reason why being gay can be hard in Church culture.

And that's why, when Ammon and Aaron spoke to Kings of the Lamanites, they taught about God.

They didn't teach about the law of murder. They didn't teach about the law of chastity. They didn't teach a law of health or honesty or anything like that.

They taught about God.

I believe that everything in my life - from the emotions I have outside of my control, to the clouds in the sky, are in blessings from God designed to help me return to Him. Everything in my life outside of my actual control is a blessing from God. How I choose to act, based on those circumstances - that is who I am. That is my expression of agency. That is my gift back to God.

I wish I could shout to the world and teach every single soul about who God really is.

That I could mend the fractured religious dogma that have preached a loving God without understanding how He loves... that I could share how much healing, hope, and meaning have come to me from understanding who He really is.

When I learned who God really was, when I began to understand Him, see His power, and feel His hand, it changed my life. That was my breakthrough point... and the point where I learned to become happy.

Part 2:

Many atheists have been born, ironically, out of modern religion's pandering to those who think God should allow them to stray.

It begins with a focus on the forgiving, loving, merciful side of God. "God is love," they proclaim, and people flock to the fold.

But the reality is far more nuanced, and takes a lot more faith to believe.

Yes, God is love.

But God is not rainbows, unicorns, or angels with harps.

Because that's not love.

A good surgeon would not cancel a life-saving surgery just because the surgery could go wrong... or because it could cause intense, even lifelong pain.

Just like a good God wouldn't shorten a life-changing trial for the same reason.

It all comes down to the power of God, His influence, His goals, and the options He has at hand.

God is Omnipotent when it comes to almost all things. He controls the Universe and everything physical, from the stars to the seasons. He could easily even control my body, and there's no reason to assume He hasn't done so at some point in time.

But all those things really don't matter.

It's ironic, because the one thing God does want to change, He can't.

Me.

This gets to the root of agentic behavior. God did not give me agency. Agency, at least the truly-individual-and-only-meaningful-form believed in by Latter-Day Saints, requires that agency be *eternal.*

That means I have always been an agent, or I never was and never will be.

God simply provided a testing ground for me to exercise that agency.

From that perspective - where life is a testing ground where God controls the variables and we choose how to act - it's a lot easier to see how life works.

But two of the factors - our acute memory loss and a lack of perspective - can make it hard to understand some of the variables God uses in the equation.

Take sexual abuse, for an extreme example.

I was abused at 16. It was one of the most terrifying, humiliating, devastating, debilitating experiences I've ever had. I can still look back and see and feel everything that was there.

Someone who makes the false assumption that life is just about mitigating pain and maximizing pleasure would easily make the assumption that a loving God was not involved in my abuse. It doesn't matter how I make the attribution - whether it's that God has to allow "agency" of the person who abused me, or that I live in a "fallen world," that "God doesn't interfere in the system He created," or even that "I deserved it."

All of those deny the reality of God's nature.

Claiming that God is literally or even metaphorically bound by some physical chain that keeps Him from intervening when one of His sons is being sexually abused is almost comical if it weren't on such a heavy topic. The God who closed the mouth of lions, killed the firstborn children of the Egyptians overnight, and made the walls of Jericho fall down flat is not bound by any mortal force. He could have struck down my assailant in an instant, just as He did to the man who steadied the Ark of the Covenant.

Making the claim that the world is outside of God's power, or that He doesn't ever interfere, is just as nonsensical.

The reality is that I know that God could have saved me from abuse.

Yet He didn't.

I know that He could have saved more of the Jews who died in the Holocaust from death.

Yet He didn't.

He could, in an instant, stop wars, end famine, and bring about world peace. He could heal every disease and dry every tear.

And yet He doesn't.

And, in this, I learn the true nature of God... and the nature of God's Plan.

As I said before, God is not a God of rainbows, unicorns, and angels with harps.

Because that's not love.

Understanding how God works requires a bit more perspective than is readily available here in life.

Without the faith to trust God and His teachings through prophets and personal revelation, the *only* thing I can see is the experience I have here in mortality. From that perspective, life is simply about maximizing pleasure and minimizing pain for me and everyone else. I try to be a good person, and I definitely don't understand how or why an Omnipotent, supposedly loving God could stand by while a 16-year-old who is trying to figure out life gets sexually abused. And I definitely can't stomach the commandment in the Old Testament for the conquering Israel to annihilate every man, woman, child, and animal of the nations they overthrew.

With the faith to trust God, none of those things may make sense. Perhaps some of them will, and perhaps they never will. But I am willing to trust God and follow Him.

Prone to Wander

There's a popular painting of Christ carrying a lamb on His shoulders. For a long time, that painting has inspired me. Knowing that Christ was willing to go out into the desert, search in the wilderness, and go anywhere to find a lamb who has strayed gave me hope even when I felt like I had gone too far for Him to ever be able to find me... and much too far to ever find my way back.

But there's a lot more to the story than Christ simply rescuing a lamb that is lost.

You see, when a lamb wanders from the fold, the first few times the shepherd simply finds it and leads it back. But if the journey is far, or the lamb shows that it is prone to wander, the shepherd does something else.

He carefully takes the lamb in his arms...


... and breaks its legs.

The now-crippled animal is finally willing to be carried, and the shepherd drapes it over his shoulders, where it stays until the bones have healed.

Yes, the lamb in the painting - the lamb that represents me on Christ's shoulders - has broken legs.

And Christ broke them.

On purpose.

It may seem harsh to break a lamb's legs simply for wandering from the fold, but a lamb that is prone to wander rarely learns to trust the shepherd without it. Wandering from the fold eventually leads to death. And it works. As the bones heal over the course of weeks and months, the lamb learns to trust the shepherd and, ultimately, to follow him.

Many sheep that wandered as a lamb have a permanent limp, as broken bones don't grow back perfectly. But when other sheep may become distracted, or rarely turn from the shepherd's voice, those that learned to trust Him are willing to follow and to listen. They never wander again.

And Christ does the same thing with me.

I've strayed from the path in my life. I've told God I wanted things He wouldn't give me, turned my back on Him, and even gone so far as to draw others away from the truth.

Each time God found me, He offered to carry me home. But I'm proud. I have my own ideas, my own plans, my own dreams that take me in my own direction... and that direction may or may not match up with where He wants me to go.

So He breaks my legs.

In my case, He shatters my dreams, destroys my plans, and crushes my ideas until I'm left without direction or hope in myself.

And, at that moment, hopefully I'm humble enough to let Him carry me.

Unlike lambs, however, which the shepherd will carry against their will, I can only be carried by the Good Shepherd if I allow Him to.

And so He takes a risk in breaking me. He knows the risk... and would only do it if it gave me the best possible opportunity to return to Him. And, so, often He does. Hopefully I will choose humility and draw closer to Him. But just as possible, I could close off from God, reject Him completely, and add the new pain to a list of wrongs He has done to me.

This painting means something different to me now. First, I see the true love of God - a God who is willing to let me go through excruciating pain so that I can learn to trust Him... and who cares so much that He is willing to risk losing me to help me come home. Second, I see a lamb who is humble enough to submit to the shepherd's will. Christ was the true Lamb of God, willing to submit to His Father's will through what most people would call a terribly unfair life. He endured literally everything... which is why He is the Good Shepherd - the One to whom I can submit my own life.

I'll likely wander many times. I know that I am prone to wander... and when Christ breaks my hopes and dreams and legs, I hope that I can always be humble enough to let Him pick me up and put me on His shoulders.

And I hope that, someday, I will be one of His flock that never strays again.

"And thus we see that except the Lord doth chasten his people with many afflictions, yea, except he doth visit them with death and with terror, and with famine and with all manner of pestilence, they will not remember him." - Helaman 12:3

The BYU Honor Code Bans Hugs, Handshakes, and Temple Attendance

If I'm gay.

Warning. This is a heavy post.

I've worked at BYU as a curriculum designer. I'm a BYU graduate, twice. My license plate says BYU on it. My best friend attends BYU. But just today I learned about something that has given me cause for concern.

There's a line in the current CES Honor Code (the guiding document to which every BYU, BYU-I, BYU-H, and LDSBC student, faculty, and staff member promises adherence) that reads thus (pulled Aug 10 from https://policy.byu.edu/view/index.php?p=26 ):

"Homosexual behavior is inappropriate and violates the Honor Code. Homosexual behavior includes not only sexual relations between members of the same sex, but all forms of physical intimacy that give expression to homosexual feelings."

Let's break this down.

"All forms of physical intimacy" means, literally, all forms of physical intimacy. Current definitions of physical intimacy encompass everything from prolonged eye contact to touch in every form, including hugs, handshakes, hand-holding, all the way up to sexual activity.

"That give expression to homosexual feelings" means anything that is motivated by, influenced by, or causes effect from attraction to the someone of the same sex.

This applies disparately based on whether I'm attracted to the same sex or not. In fact, there's a huge difference between the application to me (attracted to men) and the next guy (who probably isn't).

If I'm attracted to guys, then getting hugs, handshakes, and even high-fives from other men meets a deep physical need rooted in my attraction to men. Most men need physical touch from other guys, but I thrive when guys touch me, and my physicality with men is a huge part of my life. And while I can control how much contact I have with others, I can't change the fact that every kind of physical intimacy with men is different because I'm attracted to them (both specifically and in general).

Every single time I give a guy a hug, cuddle up with him on the couch while watching a movie, give him a shoulder to cry on, extend my hand to pick him up when he's fallen, arm wrestle with him, lay my hands on his head to give a blessing, or look deeply into his eyes, part of that action is motivated by my attraction to men. It has little to do if I'm attracted to the guy himself. Yes, being attracted to the specific guy is great, but sitting with any guy is wholly different than sitting with a girl.

If I'm not gay, however, this section has far less impact. In my case, then, the only physical contact barred by the Honor Code would be with another guy I found attractive (from the definition of homosexual attraction - simply defined as feeling that another person of the same gender is attractive). I could hold hands with guys, give them handshakes, hug them, cuddle up on the couch, or even fall asleep on their chests after talking all night like Joseph & Brigham did the night before the martyrdom, without any problem.

After reading the Honor Code statement, I was more than a bit distraught.

My best friend was the one that showed it to me. He asked me if he wasn't allowed to hug me anymore. As I mentioned, he's a BYU student.

My gut started twisting. I told him I didn't want to break the Honor Code.

I have never been in opposition to the Honor Code... I was in the Honor Choir, performed at New Student Orientation and gave firesides about the Honor Code, and still have my Honor T-shirts from Freshman year when every other one was thrown away.

I have always supported the Honor Code... and in every case that someone has attacked it I've always been able to help them understand.

But am I breaking it right now when I hug my best friend? Or when we watch a movie together cuddled on the couch? Those things have never been against Church standards - I mean, John the Beloved was laying on the chest of Christ during the Last Supper, and the modern "guys shouldn't cuddle with guys" has been a western cultural artifact for less than 100 years - proof that physical intimacy among men isn't a sin. All physical intimacy would mean that I could never touch another guy... ever. Is BYU really trying to tell people with same-sex attraction that they should never touch or be touched by another soul?

So I called.

The student at the Honor Code Office was polite and, after a short break on hold, she confirmed that the policy is worded exactly as intended. All forms of intimacy, including hugging, hand-holding, and everything else, are against the Honor Code when same-sex attraction is involved. She offered to put me in touch with the director of the Honor Code Office, and said he would call me back.

Half an hour later, the director called me back and I asked him to help me understand the policy. I explained my concern and the fact that physical intimacy covered things as benign as prolonged eye contact or handshakes, as well as sexual contact. He confirmed, when I asked specifically, that any physical intimacy that is affected by, motivated by, or that has an effect on same-sex attraction is against the Honor Code. I asked again, about hugging, handshakes, and holding hands, and he confirmed that if the action is at all motivated or causes effect to same-sex attraction, it is against the Honor Code.

"Those are things that you shouldn't do."

I didn't know what to say.

I asked for confirmation one last time, and he gave it again. Then I thanked him and hung up.

...

...

...

...I think there's something wrong.

Telling me that I shouldn't have sex with guys is one thing. Or that I shouldn't watch pornography or break the law of chastity in any way - with another guy or alone. I believe that. I support that. And the people who break the Honor Code in that regard need someone to help them repent and change.

But this is way, way more than sexual actions.

This affects everything.

I've officiated as an ordinance worker at the temple - pretty much the most sacred calling a single guy with same-sex attraction can have. Temple workers conduct all the sacred ordinances of the temple... and, when you're a guy, every single one involves male physical intimacy. From looking into someone's eyes for longer than usual, to holding hands, to laying hands on head, to the embrace of baptism, sacred ordinances are the physical representation of a spiritual covenant with God... and so they all have powerful physical aspects.

Does working at the temple, or worshipping at the temple, arouse me sexually? Not usually. But it most definitely affects and is affected by my attraction to men. In fact, working at and attending the temple, for a long time, was the only real, regular physical intimacy I had with men. No one would give me a hug, a handshake, or even hold eye contact with me in real life, but in the temple they had to... and I knew I could go there to not only feel a connection to God, but also to my fellow men. That connection with God and the physical connection I get with male humanity is still a major reason why I go.

And now that's against the Honor Code.

I'm the ward greeter in my ward. A big reason why I shake hands and make eye contact with every person in my ward is to feel connected with people, and to allow them that connection. As I said, every time I touch a guy, it's deeply influenced by the fact that I'm attracted to men. Touching guys, no matter the circumstance, touches me in a way that touching girls does not. And I don't think I'm alone in that regard. It's the exact same thing with heterosexual guys - in a ward missionary meeting just on Sunday my ward mission leader expressed, honestly, that if he got more hugs from cute girls in the ward, his life would be less stressful. I definitely appreciate getting hugs from guys whether they're cute or not. We added giving hugs to the ward mission plan.

But that's against the Honor Code, too.

...

...

...

As are "all forms of physical intimacy that give expression to homosexual feelings."

Which means everything.

...

...

...

Looking at my feelings, right now, I'm terribly confused. It's blindingly clear that my actions - as simple as giving my same-sex attracted best friend a hug when I see him at work in the morning - are in violation of the Honor Code. I confirmed that with the director of the Honor Code Office.

But Isn't the Honor Code approved by the leaders of the Church? Shouldn't it reflect the standards of the Church - including those of love and inclusion and support and faith? It definitely didn't include a never-touch-anyone statement the last time I looked... did someone in a committee just add the language as a catch-all?

...

After I post this, I'll contact someone to ask them for advice.

If I were to change the wording, I'd copy the words out of For The Strength of Youth. Put simply, don't do anything with the intent to arouse yourself or others. Simple, clear, direct. And if we need to make a list of Thou-Shalt-Nots, they need to apply to everyone regardless of potential sexual feelings.

But as I wait for a bit more clarity, I find myself asking a difficult question:

What if, as I push to try to find why the Honor Code is worded this way... I learn that God, through the Board of Trustees (the Prophet, First Presidency, and The Quorum of the Twelve Apostles) really did intend to communicate that I should never be physically intimate with another guy... ever again?

What if I could never go to the temple? If I could never meet a guy's eyes? If I could never touch a guy, let him touch me, if I could never give my brother-in-law a hug as he leaves for work in the morning or hold my same-sex attracted best friend while he cries on my shoulder?

What if God asked me to never touch a guy again?

Would I be willing to follow His counsel?

I'd lose all my friends if I could never touch them or meet their eyes. I'd lose my calling, never be able to go to the temple, and never be able to give a blessing. I'd be an outcast and a leper with no mortal I could turn to. Life would be worse than it already is.

But if He asked... I'd still follow Him.

Somehow, He would make it right.

I just hope that isn't what He's really asking me to do...

...and that there's just been a terrible misunderstanding.




Update:

I sent an email to the Honor Code Office referencing this blog post and my conversation with the director, asking the wording of the section to be changed. I suggested using the wording found in For a the Strength of Youth - any action designed to cause sexual arousal or stimulation in self or others would be across the line. I'm still hopeful that my conversation was just a major misunderstanding, and that the policy simply needs much less vague, broadly-interpretable language. My concern in this matter is because I care about BYU. I'm not a student, and even if I were, I'd still hug and touch guys even if I were deeply attracted to them.

I'm just concerned that the Honor Code, which for me was always a source of simply, concrete guidance as a student, has potentially begun to isolate those who need help most. With an active underground sexual hookup culture that has always been present, the Honor Code traditionally split people into three groups - those who followed and loved it, those who didn't care for the letter of the law but still wanted to do the right thing, and those who lived in total violation. If platonic physical contact between men, whether or not attraction is involved, is part of restrictions in the Honor Code, that forcefully pushes anyone affected into the middle group. Obviously, the literal interpretation in this post is far-fetched and absurd that it would ever be enforced. But it was also the direct result of my conversation with the director, and doesn't have any logical fallacies or assumptions - I was told that since I and my best friend have same-sex attraction, we shouldn't ever hug each other. There's no sexual desire there, no arousal, no whatever - hence my concern for a policy that keeps the university I love a positive, safe place for people like me - those who love both the letter and the spirit of the law and love to know exactly what it means so that we can help others stay true to the faith.

Disney, Gay Mormons, and Happily Ever After

There's something awesomely magical about watching a Disney film unfold. Over and over and over again, the protagonist faces life's struggles with head held high. Reaching deep inside, he (well, usually she) learns something new, overcomes impossible odds, finds friends in unlikely places, dreams enormous dreams, and finally, after a full 90 minutes of struggle, reaches the coveted Happily Ever After.

But while Disney films may inspire magic and lift hearts, protect morals and preserve childlike imagination, their happy music and fairy-tale endings belie a much darker side.

And I'm not talking about secrets or hidden messages.

I betray my childhood with the statement that comes next.

Happily Ever After is a lie.

But it's more than just a lie. I already knew that the Happily Ever After of a Disney story was a fairy tale. Enchanted taught me that, along with Frozen's candid assertion of the absurdity of marrying someone you met the same day.

And yet, while a few recent films have added tongue-in-cheek references to its fantastic reality, Happily Ever After is still central to the Disney franchise... and the vast majority of Disney movies still pay homage to its power.

It's unlikely that Walt Disney could have imagined how influential his films would become. What began with Snow White and Cinderella has grown to become a cultural icon... to the point that today's world - my generation - grew up fed with Disney stories. I knew the songs for every movie, watched some of them dozens of times... and since I was old to enough to dream, dreamed of my own Happily Ever After.

While the idyllic Happily Ever After may be an obvious stretch of reality, it has shaped my culture. Today, even though I laugh at the tongue-in-cheek references where Disney makes fun of itself, I find that I actually believe in Happily Ever After. And so does most of my generation.

And on the outset, that doesn't sound too bad. Disney's Happily Ever After comes when I give my best effort. When I do everything right. When I wish upon a star, try harder than ever before, put myself out there, serve and work and give everything I have. And then, shortly thereafter, I find my true love and we spend the rest of our lives in Happily Ever After - a gift from the universe as proof of my effort. It pushes me to try harder, to believe in God, and to ask for blessings and miracles. It gives me hope when times are hard, and it encourages me to literally give everything.

But what about when I apply my belief in Happily Ever After to real life? Real life lasts a whole lot longer than the 90 minutes of a feature-length family film. What happens when the promised Happily Ever After doesn't come?

And what about when even getting to Happily Ever After seems impossible by following God? When 90 minutes, or just as many years, have passed and the future seems just as impossibly bleak?

And here we find the darker side of Happily Ever After. Disney teaches that anyone will get Happily Ever After if they work hard enough... and that those who give their all *deserve* it... sooner rather than later.

And when it doesn't happen? When Happily Ever After doesn't come in the Disney world, it's because I haven't truly tried hard enough. Or, more likely, because a seemingly-good-but-actually-evil villain stands in the way.

Either way, someone is at fault... because I haven't gotten what I truly deserve.

It's a lie.

And yet I believe it...

Along with everyone else in today's world.

It's easy to connect the dots and see how a universal belief in Happily Ever After is ravaging those whose lives are more complicated than the Disney model. Like mine - I'm only attracted to men and I definitely feel like I have given my all for years. If I believe that God (the Universe) will give me Happily Ever After (usually interpreted as marriage and eternal bliss with someone I love) while I'm still young, then anyone who tells me otherwise, or stands in the way, is the evil villain.

Disney teaches that I deserve someone to love who loves me back. That I should work my hardest to achieve it. And that nothing should stand in the way of love, raising a family, and having someone to come home to.

Reality is different.

Reality is that following God will help me find greater happiness than any other alternative. Reality is that I deserve better than just mortal love... and that God's love and presence can actually compensate for not having love here in life. Reality is that it is through His Grace (and not my work) that all blessings come. And that I am the only thing that can stand in the way of His love.

And the final reality?

Happily Ever After isn't something I receive. It's not a gift that someday God or the Universe will give me, the result of finding someone to love, or the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. It doesn't come with "I do" at marriage to someone who loves me back. It's not even the reward given by God at the end of putting in all I can.

That's because Happily Ever After isn't something I get, find, or obtain.

Happily Ever After is something I *become*.

It's finding the happiness that God has.

It's becoming like God.

And that's both why it could never be gifted from on high... and why turning away from God to find it will never work.

That's why putting in all my effort isn't ever enough. That's why I can ask God for blessings and the prayers seem unanswered as my life gets harder. That's why I face insurmountable trials that smash me flat.

Because I'm not like Him yet.

And if I haven't yet become Happily Ever After, it's simply because I still have more to become. And this trial, this blessing, this life was designed to help me become like Him - so of course God wouldn't just take it away.

There is one extra complication:

God does actually promise me the Disney Happily Ever After.

Just on a different time table... and according to His ways.

He promises that, eventually (sometime before the Resurrection), if I've done my best for my entire mortal life (a whole lot longer than 90 minutes), I'll find someone I love who loves me back with whom to have a family.

But just because God promises a Disney ending does not mean that a marriage like in Disney movies = Happily Ever After. As I said before, Happily Ever After is not an action or a gift. It is something I become, and nothing else.

And now & in the meantime, He promises that I will find greater happiness by following Him than any other alternative... even if another path seems to offer exactly what I think I want.

Those are powerful promises. They're especially intense given how badly I want a family of my own. And how I can't remember ever really being attracted to a woman. And how old I am in Mormon family culture. And how alone I've spent most of my life. And how difficult it is for me to even make and keep friends, let alone find a spouse.

God doesn't promise that I'll become Happily Ever After today, or tomorrow, the next day, or even fifty years down the road. He doesn't claim that life will be easy, idyllic, or fair. He doesn't claim that happiness won't seem possible somewhere else. He requires total sacrifice of everything I hold dear, every dream I dream, every wish of my heart.

And He promises that I really will become Happily Ever After - as I slowly change and become like Him.

Planting Seeds

My aunt posted a photo on Facebook about her emotions watching her son prepare to leave for college.

And I feel torn.

I'm grateful for the rare glimpse into someone else's life. For the emotional connection it gives me.

I still feel torn.

The post was short, brimming with emotion, full of untold stories. It hinted at an incredible depth of relationship and the  mixture of pride, joy, pain, and grief that my aunt feels from watching her son grow and now move to another stage of life.

It made me look at my life - at my job, my calling, my recreation, my blog. And painted in letters bright enough that even I can see it, is a pattern repeated over and over and over again.

At The Soap Factory, my passion is trying to find ways to teach people new things. To open their hearts to new experiences and push them into new territory. It works - I have amazing opportunities to teach about Jesus Christ, to share stories about health (and sometimes soap), and to give advice on every topic under the sun.

In my calling, I greet people who are new to my ward and try to quickly make them feel at home. In a community where there's a huge amount of turnover, and in a ward with boundaries that sometimes feel enormous, my role is helping people instantly be at ease... so that they won't just disappear or hop to another ward the next week. I'm not as good as this one, and I probably won't usually end up being a great friend in the long run, but at least I can tell who's new and who is visiting. And if I'm the only person to shake someone's hand each week, maybe know their name, and share an honest smile, at least one person touched them.

Here at (G)MG I write about my life and then send it into the unknown. People from all over the world read (G)MG - from Malaysia to Africa. I try to accurately capture all the things that happen to me, dig down deeply into my own soul, encapsulate what God is teaching me, and then just push "Publish."

The story repeats itself throughout my life. I find ways to touch people and their lives - to cut through the bulk of social barriers and get close enough to break through and make a difference, sometimes where it's been hard to make a difference before. Even my little sister tells me that every time she's with me, she learns something new.

But it comes with a major caveat.

In most cases, those instant relationships don't last very long. Rarely do they develop into something else.

There are a few major exceptions. My current best friend has somehow survived the chaos of my life and is still here. I'm getting closer to my family as well. There are a few people in my ward that I could and should probably call friends. And there are others.

But, for the vast majority of people I meet, I feel like my social world is the same one where I garden.

I love gardening. I dream of being able to grow beautiful, awesome, unique things that change the world. I wanted to go into horticulture when I was little. Today, I buy heirloom seeds, organic soil, and do everything right. The seeds are planted at just the right depth. Within a few weeks, all sprout and grow beautifully. They get sunshine, just the right amount of water, and an enormous amount of love.

Everything seems right. Even the hardest seeds can sprout with love, patience, and work - from ancient tomatoes to rare Italian Cedro.

And then the hundreds of healthy sprouts just stop growing - completely and totally stop. There are thousands of different reasons why, but by the time I figure out which one it was this time, everything is dead. The garden at my shop had to be moved to the roof because of an infestation of fungus gnats that didn't respond to every possible intervention. When I moved to my current home, I replaced all the soil in my flowerbeds because it was too alkaline, then the next year removed the even more toxic soil I had just laid down (it was literally floating on a thin layer of muck). I stopped composting because the walnut leaves that fell from my trees would just kill everything. And, just recently, we removed the garden completely... and filled it in with lawn.

I am awesome at starting things, at planting seeds.

I can make anything sprout - from the hardest seeds to the most closed hearts and minds.

But only once in a thousand tries do I even dream of being the one to see fruit - like the emotional depth my aunt wrote about with her son.

...

But that's my role, right? Someone prepares the soil, someone plants seeds, someone nurtures them, and someone gathers fruit. I plant seeds. From my blog - which allows me to scatter my thoughts across the globe - to my shop - which allows me to break through and learn about people's needs - my life is all about planting seeds.

And that's ok. Where I plant seeds (and can't get them to grow), someone else can nurture plants but doesn't have the tools to get them started. I have my own place on the pathway to Salvation - and I was given talents to do my part. Today is Pioneer Day here in Utah - a celebration of people whose lives were dedicated to planting real seeds, along with those of faith, work, foundations, and society.

Maybe that's where I've gone wrong in gardening. I think that next year I'll start seeds for gardens... and then give them away to people who can make them thrive.

And, if I'm lucky, maybe they'll share fruit with me.

Everything Gone Wrong, Gone Right

This last week was tough. I gave a fireside for my ward on Sunday. In the days leading up to it, everything in life just seemed to go wrong.

Well, not *everything* - just enough went wrong to make life uncomfortable, but not impossible. In reality they were all little, insignificant things. But the combination definitely matched up with the adage that blessings come after the trials.

My laptop was the first death. I somehow dropped my backpack in the parking garage, and the five-foot fall to concrete smashed the corner, ejected the battery, and messed up the ports on the HP laptop I've nurtured for years. It still worked, but only sometimes. Thankfully, I have some personal property insurance as a birthday gift from my dad each year. The insurance company warned that if the fix was too time-consuming or expensive, they wouldn't fix it. Or return it. They'd just send me a check to buy a new one. So I backed up the data and sent it in. They'll get back to me by the first week in August. In the meantime I was supposed to send artwork to someone. Man.

The air conditioning unit in my shop was the next casualty. Monday morning it just didn't work. The Soap Factory is a second-floor store, so I, my best friend, and all our customers have had to brave 89-degree heat while making soap each day. It sounds far less awful on paper than it was in reality. I almost bought an evaporative cooler. One day I bought 100lbs of ice and just set huge bags of it on the tables out front, trying to cool the room down. Our chocolate melted. Thankfully, after a third of the truffles in the store turned into mush, I approached a restaurant next door. They were willing to let us store chocolate truffles & bars there so the rest would be safe. The A/C tech our landlord uses was crazy busy, but he was able to make time for us. There ended up being two different leaks in piping for our A/C unit, which is (hopefully, as of 9:30 last night - 10 days after it went out) fixed! I am so grateful for air conditioning now. I should have given all my customers free ice-cold water. That idea came a day too late.

Then my phone broke. In reality, all of my charging cables broke, not my phone, but since it was at 10% when they all bit the dust, it may have well been the phone itself. I bought a phone off of KSL. It wasn't new, though, and while it seemed perfect, I realized after a few days that the battery life on the new phone was... about 2 hours on standby. And the cord the guy supplied me with doesn't charge the phone. I had to cut my SIM card to fit inside though, so there was no going back. I tried to buy a third phone as a replacement, but it ended up being locked to the wrong carrier. After talking with customer support reps for over 4 hours, I gave up on that one and just sold it again. I bought another (this is phone #4 in one week) one to try out a new carrier, but then spent another 4 hours attempting to get it activated. It finally worked, and I'm happy with the service, but the process was so painful that I'm wary of porting my phone number over. And somewhere along the way I had to cut up my best friend's SIM card, too - to appease a customer support rep who wasn't even able to do much. Being on the phone that long helped me realize something: I am so grateful that I work with happy people, doing happy things.

Institute was next. Usually I'm on time to Institute - it's a really important part of my week and helps me put things into perspective. Last Wednesday, though, the heat and the constant stream of customers (oh. And the broken phone(s) probably) distracted me until 7:35. I missed half of class and had to sit out in the foyer. Our institute teacher is so popular that his class fills the entire half of the cultural hall and overflows onto chairs and couches outside the doors. I had seen people sitting out there before, but I had never realized how hard it was to hear comments or participate in the lesson. And as I walked out of the shop, a huge group walked in, so as soon as the prayer finished, I went back to work.

Two of our three sinks were next. I walked into the back room halfway through the Friday rush and the sink had somehow emptied itself onto the carpeted floor, which was now sopping wet. I had dozens of customers, and no idea what had happened. I actually still don't know what happened. With *this* much happening, it was pretty obvious that everything that could go wrong, would. The sink in the front stopped draining, but an hour of alternating baking soda & vinegar (not really convenient with a full store, but whatever) fixed that. I mentioned to a customer that likely my microwaves would break next. Not both of them - because that would make work impossible - but one of them, probably the one in front, to make life a little bit harder.

Called it.

Saturday, after hosting a family reunion, our main microwave stopped heating. It still turns on, but nothing gets hot... And I definitely didn't have the time or emotional wherewithal to take it apart. I am über-grateful we have a backup. Having to walk to the back of the store is inconvenient, but at least we can work.

There was more. Half a dozen flies flew in when we opened the windows and doors to create airflow. The soaked carpet added mugginess to the already overwhelming heat. The EMV chip reader on our credit card terminal broke. Someone poured a cup of soda into the carpet. I connected one of my interim phones to the wifi hotspot for a few minutes and it used over a gigabyte of data and suspended the store's data plan (which meant we had to create a hotspot from the phone that has a 2-hour battery life). The price we pay for grape seed oil at our current supplier jumped. I arrived at a grocery store to buy important supplies and realized I had no cash, and they didn't take credit cards. I almost got hit twice by people playing Pokemon Go in their cars. My best friend's mom went to the hospital for pneumonia. The brand-new sod in my back yard turned brown even though we ran the sprinklers according to the company's suggestions. And then I couldn't sleep Saturday night.

I think God really wanted me to be humble. And since I'm naturally proud, He had to do a lot to get my attention. I'm grateful to have a Father who's willing to let me go through rough times.

Hopefully it worked as well as He had intended.

The fireside was a huge success. The little front room we met in was packed with people, mostly from my ward with a few friends. I shared some of my story, then took questions anonymously (people wrote them on notecards and I answered them from my personal experience). We got through most of the questions, then ended and had refreshments. It was simple. The response, though, was enormously positive - both in person and in the days since.

Was it worth it?

Yeah. It was.

It's likely that being humbled made me more receptive to the Spirit as I spoke on Sunday night. Partway through, I got a question that asked for personal advice. I had thoughts about what to say, but, as sometimes happens, I felt that I shouldn't share them. I realized that while I was the one speaking out loud, God is the One who answers questions. He's the Source of light, clarity, and peace... and, in all cases, going to Him will get the right answer. And getting close to Him is the whole reason we have this journey. The fireside was His, not mine, and I'm glad that I could be there to watch Him touch the hearts of people I love.

In the days since, life has gone better. In addition to a now-fixed A/C unit, I've had some crazy awesome experiences with customer service that have made me smile from ear to ear.

But that's probably for another post. This one is probably too long already.

Questions / Answers

I gave a Q&A Fireside tonight in my ward. We got through most of them, but I promised I'd answer the rest of the questions we didn't have time to cover in person here on (G)MG. Here they all are.

How do you stay strong, and what advice would you give to someone with similar struggles?

I stay strong one day at a time. When temptation comes, I try to get physically away if possible - get up and get moving - or I drop to my knees and pray for help until it passes. What advice? Focus on being as good as you can be, love yourself, forgive yourself, and be willing to let yourself get back up when you fall. Look forward instead of back. Let God take care of your problems instead of worrying about them yourself. Serve others and follow God, and trust that He will make it all work out, even and especially if you don't understand.

What do you do to help you through the downs of your depression?

I don't have depression anymore. But I learned a bunch of coping skills. Some were better - playing a piano outside my home for hours, or forcing myself to exercise until I almost dropped dead. But those required effort that I couldn't always summon. Sometimes I would play video games because they could keep me from turning to addiction for relief, and from wanting to die, for long enough that when I finished I could go to sleep. The best things? People who pulled me out - who came to my house and got me up and took me somewhere they could show me love, doing something I usually enjoy. It didn't make me happy, but people are far better at distracting or coping than even video games. But that didn't happen often.

From your blog experience and interactions, do you feel most people with same-sex attraction want to get married to the opposite gender... or is that too difficult and complicated?

I know that, in my case, I just want to love, be loved, and have a family. There were definitely times that, if I could have snapped my fingers and fallen in love, I would have done it. Marriage has people strongly on both sides. And yet, at least from my limited perspective, getting married seems to be far less important than loving/being loved/having kids in the faithful, Mormon, same-sex attraction community. There are lots of men and women with same-sex attraction who make the decision to be married, and plenty who also decide that waiting on the Lord for that miracle (which may not even happen in this life) isn't worth it. At the beginning of their journey, I think most members of the Church want to be married in the temple, even if they don't understand how it will be possible. As they become more disenchanted with the gospel, it seems like that desire lessens greatly.

Would you say there's a connection between pornography, bipolar, and same-gender attraction? Or are they all different?

I definitely think they're both - totally separate parts of life, but totally interconnected in my life. The lows of bipolar could trigger intense temptations to pornography. Exposure to pornography could influence temptations in same-sex attraction. A lack of understanding about same-sex attraction, or feelings of guilt about pornography, could potentially trigger depressive mood swings. And yet each one can also act completely independently, even in opposition to the direction in which the others are traveling.

What has been the response from the gay community about your blog / choice to live Church standards?

I get ridiculed by people sometimes who claim that my decision to be true to God is not "authentic" to who I "really" am. When I began blogging, some people didn't think I was real at all. One person claimed I was a group of BYU professors, another wrote that I was probably a General Authority undercover. Obviously both were far from the truth. Some people have told me that my existence is a major threat - since I'm faithfully religious, still single, and only attracted to men - apparently my life invalidates some of the assumptions underlying their own. Most probably don't even know I exist, and some reach out to me with questions - wanting to better understand their religious friends or family.

Would you adopt? How do you plan on facing that issue?

I want to have my own kids. Yes, I'd adopt if I needed to, but I'm not going to marry a woman if I'm not interested in having a family with her (and all the prerequisites to making that happen). That wouldn't be fair to me or to her.

How has your life changed since you learned you were attracted to men, and accepted that as part of your life?

I'm a lot more forgiving of myself now. I used to treat myself incredibly harshly. Now I realize that I make mistakes, but so does everyone. The important thing is getting back up and trying again. Another thing that's changed is that I also have a really hard time dating. I used to date a ton. Since I've shared my experiences openly, I haven't gone on dates with many people. It was a lot easier to just not have to say anything - now I feel like I'd have to explain, "I'm not physically attracted to you, but I thought I'd ask you out anyway." - and that just doesn't sound appealing.

I heard it a gay guy who married a friend of his (girl) even though he wasn't attracted to her. What do you think about that? Right/wrong? Would you consider doing that?

Marriage is a totally personal choice. Other than the requirement of man and woman, there are tons of variables in each one. I know that for me, I feel that I'll need to be deeply attracted to a woman to be able to marry her - so I feel I have to wait until I fall in love. It's possible that this guy got a spiritual confirmation that she was the right person even though there wasn't attraction... but I'd be wary. Marriages with same-sex attraction are incredibly difficult even with love and attraction. Without it, they may be beginning one step closer to potential problems.

Do you think viewing pornography led you to be attracted to men?

I don't. I was only ever attracted to the same sex. But the fact that I chose pornography about same-sex relationships, and never viewed or read pornographic material involving women, was actually exacerbated by cultural norms. I learned in Church that women's bodies were sacred and that pornography was seeing them naked. I wasn't ever taught that men's bodies were sacred, and no one ever spoke about male pornography... and so there were times that I honestly told myself (pretty convincingly) that what I was doing wasn't as bad, because there were no women involved.

How have you been able to overcome social difficulties with autism?

For me, the biggest key to overcoming my social failures is having a "role" to play. At Church, I'm a greeter - so I talk with people. I'm a ward missionary. At work, I actually created my own role - one that focuses on the things I love to do best. In relationships.... Um... I'm awful. I can communicate well with people until they get to a certain point of closeness, and then often communication is really hard. My best friend and I have tons of trouble communicating. One thing that has helped, though, is to learn how other people communicate. Just look up autism and social dynamics studies like priming, peer pressure, sarcasm, honesty, candor... it was really eye-opening for me to realize how different "normal" was from my own experience.

My brother just left the Church. How do I answer when he criticizes the Church and its doctrine?

Just bear testimony. Use first person and talk about your own experiences. Don't ever try to conjecture about what someone else feels or why they did what they did. Pray for guidance. And sometimes, if the Spirit prompts you, just be quiet. If your brother already knows your feelings, he might just be looking for a confrontation. Soft words, or silence, can be golden.