It's Thanksgiving. Which means that the normal routine of life has largely disappeared, leaving me with far too much unscheduled time and out of contact with my day-to-day peers.
And that spells danger.
It probably started when I didn't exercise this morning, or yesterday, because the school schedule was altered so dramatically. It's exacerbated by the fact that I don't really have any plans for this weekend - no one who I'm really interested in going Black Friday shopping with (since I'd only go for the social aspect), no people to really hang out with in the first place. I don't have a girl friend, or a best friend, or anyone who really watches out for me and can see the signs. Most days, I can ignore that because I'm surrounded by people. But even if I went to the Tanner building, no one would be there.
Perfect timing to do something stupid.
Most of the guys I've met with SSA have fallen into some type of temptation. Pornography, hookups, and the rest... even though in almost all cases they're good people and upstanding members of the Church. Those who have been involved in hookups or other short-term sexual relationships, especially, will easily admit that they value people, the gospel, and faith in the long run. But, somehow, the conditions all smash together and create the perfect/worst conditions possible to fall into a temptation that really isn't worth the pain, agony, frustration, loss of blessings, and anguish that it brings.
I'm concerned because I've seen that happen many times over the holidays.
I'm in a class on influencing change, and I definitely need to change what's happening in my mind right now so I don't do something stupid. And since it's a feeling I need to fix in my own life, I thought I'd talk out loud.
Avoiding temptation is one thing... and there are plenty of things I can do to avoid it. Create peer groups, functional barriers, find ways to fill my needs before they manifest...
Beating temptation, on the other hand, is usually a simple question of delayed gratification. Every temptation is the urge to sacrifice future wellbeing for seeming present gain... and if I'm able to delay long enough, the temptation subsides. Even drug users who can learn short-term coping strategies - just long enough to overcome the peak of the urge - find a huge boon in breaking free of temptation.
Some of the things I do? Write. Exercise. Read my patriarchal blessing or a letter I've written myself about my goals for the future. Call a friend and see if they want to do something (and keep calling until I get someone live). Chat with someone on Facebook. Go outside and take a walk. Climb a tree and sit in it. Find a practice room and pound the piano. Take a drive and belt to Broadway music.
For me, effective coping activities have some key ingredients. They engage my mind, are useful by themselves (not just time-wasters... though sometimes I play video games / watch movies just because they can totally engage me), get me out of the wrong environment, and, ideally, involve other people. What's amazing is that it usually doesn't take long. A few minutes, a few hours, and the brunt of the feeling passes. In the case of depression, sometimes it takes a few days. But the sun always comes out again, proving that the storm has passed.
Yes, it may come again. It probably will. Storms usually do, and so do temptations. Worry about that bridge when it comes.
For now, just don't do anything stupid.
I'm autistic, ex-bipolar, and attracted to other guys (gay/SSA/whatever). More importantly, I'm a son of God and faithful member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (Mormons). My life is usually amazing. This is my story of hope, happiness, and faith.
Wednesday, November 21
18 comments:
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David,
ReplyDeleteIf you're feeling lonely. PLEASE let me know. Let's hang out and go bowling or something! Best medicine I've found for those hard/tempting days is to be with other people who make you want to be better and to live the gospel. You know how to reach me if you want to do something. :)
--Spencer Ficiur
I love you David :)
ReplyDeleteDavid,
ReplyDeleteYou identified the key already. It has always worked for me. Remove yourself from the temptation or at least from the environment that allows for easy action on the temptations. It is hard to act out when you are doing something else more visible. Heck, take Spencer up on his offer to go bowling! Good luck! Always hold to what you know -- the storms, be they temptations or otherwise, will pass. You are in my prayers!
Amen to all of these - you guys hit it squarely. Finding people who love you, engaging your mind, and getting out of potentially bad situations is the best way of weathering storms.
ReplyDeleteI guess I'll add my own voice to anyone else who reads this post in the future and needs someone - if you feel like you don't have any friends and you're at the end of your rope, then send me a Facebook message. Email me. I'm willing to drop whatever I can for people. And I check my email a lot.
Hi. I don't know you but I stumbled across your blog. I think the main reason those men 'stumble' is because they are gay and being forced to never ever act on it. Hence the down-low behavior.
ReplyDeleteDavid, I don't know if you'll read this comment or delete it or what you'll do or how others will react or any of that. Or if you'll consider this against Mormon ideals. I totally get how you therefore might not publish this comment and I respect that. I just sincerely hope even a little part of you will take in what I have to say to you.
David, you sound really really depressed.
And David, there is NOTHING wrong with being gay and living a gay life. NOTHING. You are not broken and you do not need to be fixed. Those who tell you that you do are wrong. Those who are encouraging you to never ever live a gay life are wrong. God don't make no mistakes. What your mind is telling you is simply from what you have been told and taught by awesome people who don't understand (or care) about the damage they are doing to you and other young men and women like you. I say again that you are NOT broken and that living a gay life is NOT a sinful way to live. It is heartbreaking to read your blog, heartbreaking.
You can live a gay life and God will not find you an abomination. There are millions of gay people in gay relationships who have close relationships with Jesus Christ.
I am praying for you, David, really.
Anonymous:
DeleteFor some people, depression comes from having a bad day or even, at the extreme, living in grossly non-ideal situations. That's called situational depression, and can be remedied by changing the external environment, but a far more lasting change comes from changing the internal one.
My depression is chemical, and usually wholly unrelated to anything external. It's just part of being bipolar.
I don't agree with you. I've never been told by anyone how to live my life. My family, my Church, my friends, and everyone else simply wants me to find true and lasting happiness, and they encourage me to turn to God and find it. I know people who are living fulfilling lives as gay men and women, but none of them have the relationship with God that I want and need for happiness in my life. Their happiness, and their lives, aren't good enough for me. I want something better.
I agree that I'm not broken. But I believe that living a gay life IS a sin. Why? Because I've asked God, and He answered me.
I think it's a fallacy to assume that God created us perfect. To assume that He intended us to simply assume our identity from mortality instead of change and become something wholly new. Else why would He create caterpillars... except to shed their skin, completely reform their bodies, and become a new creature? Christ taught that all of us need to become new creatures. God didn't make us perfect. He made us imperfect, with the hope that those imperfections would lead us to Him and humble us enough to learn the lessons we need.
Nothing that we have in this life is really representative of our eternal selves. Our bodies die and will one day be made perfect. Mine definitely isn't perfect. Our minds change through neuroplasticity.
The thing that doesn't change is God. He will always love His children, no matter what they do. Which is why each of us can choose the path we take through mortality. And why He will always send prophets to help His children find the pathway to the greatest happiness.
Happiness comes from being good - from the inside matching the outside and being in harmony with God. I appreciate your prayers, and hope you can understand my sentiment. I know that living a gay life is an option. But I want something better... and I'm going to follow the path that will take me there.
I have to say I agree with Anonymous. Like Anonymous said, I'd understand if you deleted this comment but I also hope that you do read it. :) (English is not my native language, and I realise I may come off a little harsh here and there but I'm trying to formulate my thoughts as nuanced and friendly as possible!)
Delete1. "My family, my Church, my friends, and everyone else simply wants me to find true and lasting happiness, and they encourage me to turn to God and find it." --> They want you to find happiness, unless that means being in a gay relationship. That's not unconditional love. They want you to conform to what they believe is right. You say no one ever told you how to live your life, but they are telling you constantly. Your Church even came out with the explicit statement that homosexual feelings are not a sin, but acting on them is, so they are telling you not to do that, and thus telling you how to live your life. This has been going on for all your life. For all of my life, though, people (my parents, teachers, family, friends, ...) have always told me that I could be whoever and whatever I would turn out to be, and if I would marry a man or a woman, that would not matter to them. That's what not being told by anyone how to live your life looks like.
2. "... I believe that living a gay life IS a sin. Why? Because I've asked God, and He answered me." --> Same answer. God wants you to be happy. If you need to be in a gay relationship to be happy (because you're gay), then that's fine with God. Ask him again. :)
3. "I know people who are living fulfilling lives as gay men and women, but none of them have the relationship with God that I want and need for happiness in my life. Their happiness, and their lives, aren't good enough for me. I want something better." --> How do you know that? How can you judge their relationship with God and tell that it is not as fulfilling as yours? It might just be better, because these people are truly living the life that God planned for them, being the person they were supposed to be, instead of fighting it.
4. "God didn't make us perfect. He made us imperfect, with the hope that those imperfections would lead us to Him and humble us enough to learn the lessons we need." --> I agree with this, but it is a mistake to assume that homosexuality is an imperfection. It's an integral part of your identity, not a personality flaw.
And lastly, there's a contradiction in what you said that doesn't need to be there. "I know that living a gay life is an option. But I want something better... and I'm going to follow the path that will take me there." --> Living a gay life or a straight life are both options, and the best choice for each individual is the one that matches their inside. A straight person shouldn't be made (or consciously choose because they were made to believe that the only option is) to lead a gay life. A gay person shouldn't be made (or consciously choose because they were made to believe that the only option is) to lead a straight life. You know this yourself, because "[God] will always love His children, no matter what they do" and "[h]appiness comes from being good - from the inside matching the outside [...]".
I send you much love, in so far that's possible over the internet. :)
That was the an amazing response. Cheers!
DeleteGreet -
DeletePeople are constantly telling me and everyone how to live our lives to find happiness. That's how I know that vegetables are healthier than eating only sugar, that touching a hot stove will burn me, and that sticking things in the electrical socket will kill me. Not because I looked inside myself and followed my desires (to eat only sugar and only things that tasted good), but because I confided in others, followed their counsel, and learned it for myself.
This whole "follow your feelings" stuff is sort of bogus because it doesn't apply anywhere else. When I invest, following my gut feelings is a good way to lose all my money - at least according to professional investors. Same thing with hiring decisions and HR responsibilities. The real way to find effective methods is to first appeal to authorities and understand the methodologies involved, then to apply them personally.
Unconditional love is NOT telling someone they can do anything. That's called selfish love - where I care more about the relationship than I care about the person. Parents who love their children unconditionally don't indulge them and let them do anything. To do so would be bad parenting. They encourage them to do the right thing - the things that lead to happiness - because they want them to be happy - no matter what sharing that information does to the relationship. And then, regardless of what they choose to do with that information, they extend love.
God is the same way. He wants me to be truly happy, and will only support the actions that lead to true and lasting happiness. He knows how to find happiness, and had created a plan to help us find it. Following His plan will always be the best choice, so He always pushes us in that direction. To do anything less than help me find eternal and lasting happiness would be proof that He doesn't really love me... and that He cares more about how much I love Him than about my eternal well-being. Which is bogus.
It's not all that hard to talk with people about their relationships with God to see how deeply it affects their lives. I can see the impact in everyone's lives - not just people who are gay. And in the conversations I've had with many, many men and women, anyone who doesn't completely follow God doesn't have the depth of relationship that I want and need.
I don't believe that homosexuality is an integral part of my eternal identity. It's simply a facet of mortality. Like the fact that I have blue eyes, or am good at math. My identity is not made up of what I was born with... it's made up of my decisions and choices in life given those circumstances.
I find this conversation full of energy and passion. Each day I seek to control my natural desires. While watching others for 54 years the biggest sources of pain and long term sadness seem to be caused by doing what makes you feel good at the moment. Obviously we are free to seek joy and things that make us feel good, however, driving 150 miles per hour on a dark road might feel great (with the windows open) but that tree ahead will ruin your future.
DeleteHow many families have been demolished because one spouse "discovered" that they had "fallen in love" with someone else? Another option would have been for that spouse to exercise self control early in the moment and walk away from infatuation before something serious develops, even if that meant changing jobs! When a commitment is made and families are created, that obligation is primary to future decisions.
What about all the damage cause by theft, violence, fraud, etc? Sure the thief who took your prize possession was doing what they needed to feel good, but it sure hurt you. Should the thief be congratulated because they followed their inner urges and robbed you? Should the drug addict be encouraged because they are doing what feels good as they self dose?
Long term happiness in life (and beyond) comes from self control, service to others, and positive relationships. Mosiah 3:7 says that the Natural Man is an enemy to God. I believe that as we seek to control our inner appetites we develop great strength and abilities (just like developing muscles). Giving in to damaging inner passions are the freeway to sadness.
HI, a different anonymous here! I just wanted to thank you for this post. While my temptations are different, your post opened my eyes to things I am doing wrong to cope with those temptations. I need to find so many ways to distract myself as you have, and let the moments of temptation pass.
ReplyDeleteThe statement that hit me the hardest is when you said: "Every temptation is the urge to sacrifice future wellbeing for seeming present gain". When I read that it hit me that I am doing this everyday! Then time passes and I wonder why I am not where I want to be!!!!
Thank you for your reply to the first anonymous as well. I have always struggled internally when people use the argument "God made me this way, so I am perfect just the way I am", because I agree with them. God did create us, and he does not make mistakes, and he loves us perfectly. That is true. But there is more to that statement, and you have summed it up perfectly. My examples come from obese or severely overweight women who say that they don't need to change. My struggle comes from food addiction and needing to lose around 100 pounds. I don't think I am ugly, and my husband loves me and is still attracted to me. But I don't think that God wants me to have an unhealthy body. He created this to be my issue, he created my body to hold onto fat a bit more easily. But he doesn't want be to be unhealthy, and then use the excuse that "God created me this way so I don't have to change my behavior".
I hope my comment makes sense! I mainly just wanted to say thank you for a post that helped me.
Wonderful post! I agree with everything you said. It really is just that moment of temptation. It seems so hard to resist sometimes when you are in the moment, but if you are able to resist and delay that gratification, it is so worth it. Thank you for sharing!
ReplyDeleteThank you soo much for all that you've said! I really appreciated what you said about how God did not make us perfect on this earth, that we are like caterpillars who must go through a metamorphosis. Thank you for standing up for your morals when others told you to live with what your feelings want. Thank you so much for your example!
ReplyDeleteWhat a wonderful, Christ-like example you are. I am not gay, but am LDS and look up to you and your convictions so much. The principles you are exercising can be applied to EVERY person who suffers with temptation. And we all know that no one is exempt from that. That is why we are here. To learn, to grow, to come unto Christ. Thank you for your example. You have touched my life today, and I'm sure so many others.
ReplyDeletei truly love this post. i can feel your deep desire to be close to God above all else, which in my mind is the greatest desire we can have in this life.
ReplyDeleteOutstanding. I have noticed similar ways of dealing with temptation in my life. You articulate them so well. I will add a cold shower to your list. Ice cold. Man talk about change my mood or frame of mind. I just try to live through it and when dry and clothes, man I am a different person. Weird.
ReplyDeleteThank you for this post. Hopefully responding to comments helped
ReplyDeleteemploy your attention for good. Your replies were clear, polite,
and kind.
I also struggle with holiday season. A side effect of living far
from extended family where most the people I know have multiple
generations of family all around them. Not helped by having a child
on the Autism spectrum who is also upset by the schedule shifts.
And dislikes (gagging level) all traditional Thanksgiving day food.
It's not really a temptation I'm fighting, but working to figure out
how to create treasured family memories. Or I suppose the
temptation is to give up. To just let the time waste away with
computer games because the set aside purpose is hard to arrange.
Or enjoy.
I wish you a joyful season.
Thank you. Your thoughts have helped me to express to a friend why the fight is worth it.
ReplyDelete