Monday, January 6

I Have Bigger Problems

Sometimes I step back from life to look at where I am and where I'm going. I got sick yesterday, and that's usually an opportunity to look at life and think about what really matters... and what doesn't. My thoughts were a bit spacey (since being sick does that to me), but I had some great realizations that will hopefully help in my life.

I also thought about therapy. I'm starting therapy again today with a counselor who was a referral... and I find myself wondering where to even start. I have the normal issues of a 20-something guy with same-sex attraction, but the quality of my everyday is influenced heavily by other... bigger... things. There's autism, which deeply colors my worldview and the way I interact with others by changing the focus my brain places on external stimuli. And there's bipolar, which perpetuates opposites inside my brain and gives me plenty of fuel to disbelieve my own abilities. And then there's whatever else I would have been diagnosed with if I had let a psychiatrist finish their sentences.

I guess I find myself wondering where to even start with all this. I wrote down all the ways that brain issues affect my everyday, along with my long-term goals and what I'm currently doing, but I feel like this will take forever. Trying to figure out how to manage relationships, trying to feel loved, learning to understand nonverbal cues, understanding social expectations and limits...

And, at the root of it all, trying to figure out my life.

I know that the gospel is true. I love being a member of the Church. I'm grateful for the infinite grace of God... and His willingness to let me go through hard things to learn to find happiness. I'm grateful that same-sex attraction has become far less important or centered in my life as time has gone on... to the point that I don't even think about it now, almost ever. That's been nice, so I guess it gives me some breathing room to focus on bigger problems. If I can even solve those.

Life is good. I just wish I could figure it out.

1 comment:

I Define Me said...

Well, I think you are doing more to 'figure it out' then a whole lot of 20 something people I know. And, your last paragraph proves that you have the most important parts figured out - you're a wonderful guy and have a beautiful spirit. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, like I know from your amazing writing that you are, and PLEASE keep telling us all about it cause you are a great example and inspiration to many. LUV U Mrs.IDM