I haven't been writing recently... and for a long time that was my primary method of dealing with stress. I have a lot of stress right now. Maybe today I can begin to regain that habit.
Tomorrow I leave for the East Coast - I'm attending Natural Products Expo East in Baltimore, a massive supplier-retail trade show for the natural health industry. Having a 10x10 booth costs thousands of dollars. Thousands of dollars for the opportunity to meet retailers from across the country. That's one source of my stress. I feel like we're much more prepared than we were last year; last year we knew nothing about what to expect, we knew nothing about the show, we knew very little about how to attract retailers at all. This year we have custom displays, a simpler theme, and another year of experience pushing us to pull people from the aisle. But the preparation is still a huge source of stress.
A second source of stress also comes from business. We're opening a retail store in Provo. This is our second attempt at opening one. On the upside, the location we're going for this time is almost guaranteed to have no roof issues, as it's under an apartment complex. No molding walls, crumbling ceilings - this one is almost perfectly ready to move in. But it's still a huge undertaking as we tackle questions about displays, design, theme, exactly what to carry in the store, customer experience, opening hours, marketing and advertising... Yes, we're excited. But I'm also scared. What if we do something that ruins our brand image? What if we launch a retail environment and no one comes, even with a massive coordinated marketing push? I feel like it'll be ok. But I'm still stressed.
Church brings stress as well. My calling is slowly wearing me down - from Wednesday evening visits to early morning meetings throughout the stake to attempting to reactivate and motivate ward missionaries, I'm running out of steam. My temple shift is a great time to feel peace, but it's still 6 hours taken out of each Saturday, and last night it conflicted with stake conference.
Then I have relationship stress. My best friend's grandfather died yesterday, and I'm going out of town and won't be able to be at the funeral. He's trying to figure out his life, and I can't make any of his important decisions for him. And, in reality, I feel just as lost in my own life. Other people around me are going through major crises, and each thing gets added to the burdens I carry each day. Yes, I know I should give all the issues I carry for others to God and let Him take care of it, but I don't.
And then there's just random sources of stress that have to be some sort of Celestial addition to my life. I had a dream last night that really shook me. I was driving down the highway, and noticed a car that had spun out because of gravel on the road. I passed it to the left, and then hit another massive patch of gravel. My car began spinning, spun a three-quarter turn, then tipped over and crunched on the ground. I could see an oncoming truck trying to stop, and I felt the immediate prompting to get out of the car and run for the side of the road. I didn't. The truck hit me, and I woke up.
I felt like I had actually been in a car crash. I still do. My neck hurts. My back hurts. My arms and legs hurt.
So as I was getting ready for stake priesthood leadership meeting this morning, I was wondering what I was supposed to learn, if anything, from this dream. From my huge amounts of stress. From waking up feeling like I've been smashed by a truck. Should I simply drive safely during the 70+ hours of driving I'll be doing in the next week? Follow the promptings of the spirit even when I don't know how I'll be able to? Learn how to better manage the stress that makes me feel like I've been in a car crash?
Maybe all of them.
Someday I hope that I can figure life out. I feel like I'm getting there. Yeah, I'm sore. Exhausted. Overwhelmed. On the edge of getting sick. Falling behind in a thousand different areas. But in the moments when I can step away, life is good. God is amazing. And I'm sure that in the midst of the turmoil and pressure and stress, I'll grow to be something better than what I currently am. And then, maybe someday, I'll be ready for a thousand years in Zion.
You will get through this. All of this. Really? Why? Because you've continued to bless so many that I have faith you'll continue to be blessed yourself. Just like you have been for decades. Yeah, yeah not all the blessings are immediately evident. I get that. But look how well the big picture has turned out so far.
ReplyDeleteI really loved this post. You are such a inspiration.
ReplyDeleteyou say "Yes, I know I should give all the issues I carry for others to God and let Him take care of it, but I don't." But maybe you shouldn't. Maybe God wants to take care of it through you. maybe you've been sent to help. It is your issues that you should give to God...
ReplyDeleteJust a thought.
3rd submission: I couldn't tell if the first two went through on Firefox. If it did, I apologize for the duplications.
ReplyDelete{{{HUGS}}} Maybe the dream was a response to feeling so overwhelmed, like feeling that things are getting out of control and you fear catastrophic failure, which is pretty much what you describe here.
What do you usually do to recharge, to "refill your bucket"? Breathe! Relax--if only just for a second.
You're better prepared for the Expo. You have a much better location for your store; you "fell like it'll be ok" so relax on that score. :-)
Right now for your friend you can just pray, and maybe listen. 'Cast your burdens at His feet'; picture it, and breathe. How are you taking care of yourself?
{{{HUGS}}}
I am reading some of your comments and I find them very interesting. I think we will have a lot to talk about. I'll check back soon--
ReplyDelete