With a guy.
Yeah. I know. I wasn't ever expecting it to happen either.
But falling in love is crazy.
Looking back I've probably started to fall for a few guys in the past. Maybe almost fallen for 2 or 3, and crushed on a dozen more.
Before you get ideas, the relationship is already over, and it didn't ever go anywhere. I never dated the guy, never wanted to, and the friendship has been dissolved completely. He didn't want anything to do with people who were Mormon or gay, and I'm most definitely both.
But it was an experience that helped me understand the world.
I had never really been in love before. I don't find many guys attractive enough for falling in love to be an option. And if I feel attracted to a guy, I usually avoid him. This time, though, a wave of physical and emotional attraction washed over me and turned into love a whole lot faster than I was expecting. And suddenly every love song made a whole lot more sense than they did before.
In the weeks since I've read that being in love is like being on drugs. Just thinking about love when you're in love floods the brain with chemicals - hence the stereotypical weak knees, fuzzy mind, inability to speak, and general euphoria about life. Being in love can make anything else doable. And that was totally true in my case - just thinking about the guy I loved made life that much brighter, and when I could see him and talk with him, it felt close to a perfect day.
Did he make my world spin? Yeah. My mind was definitely high on dopamine and doses of every other feel-good chemical. I can understand the desire that other gay men have shared with me - to wake up next to a guy I love, to walk down the street hand-in-hand, to watch the sunset and care for each other and grow old together. To come home and have someone who understands and loves me completely back. To go out and together change the world, knowing someone is there at my side.
...
Because I want that as well.
I mean, I've been in love. And anyone who has truly felt love... has felt its mind-numbing effects and realizes how sublime a feeling it really is.
From that perspective, it seems understandable of why the world is so adamant that love should prevail over everything else. And perhaps in a world where physicality and sex were wholly separate, everyone would be able to easily follow the gospel and also find people they love. But in my world where all touch has been sexualized, same-sex sexual activity has gone from illegal and taboo to legal to acceptable to embraced and even expected. I can see why "love vs hate" is an issue. Why every gay guy I meet asks me about my feelings about love, and why so many people oppose any seeming attack on the ability to love and spend life with someone, anyone else.
Love is real.
And it can bring real and honest happiness - enough so that many have chosen love over God. Not because they want to sell their souls to sex... but because, at the core of my human existence, I want to feel connected. I want to love and feel loved.
I believe in love. I've seen it, felt it, been carried away by it.
And yet I choose to trust God.
Not because I reject love, or fight against it to choose the more noble route of faith. No. My choice is not a sacrificial one. I choose to trust God because I'm not willing to give up love *or* faith. I know that God is real, and I will not deny the feelings of hope and peace and joy that the Gospel has brought my life. I know that love is real, and as uncomfortable as it may make me or others, I won't deny the fact that love, even when I fall in love, is amazing. And I know that, by myself, I could navigate life to follow only one...
...and yet both call deeply to my soul.
...and yet both call deeply to my soul.
No. I choose to believe that, by following God, and His commandments, and only by following Him, I will attain the impossible. To have the best of both worlds... something far more sublime than anything brought by either one alone.
Someday God will reward your discipleship with the best of both worlds - love and faith. I admire your openness, faithfulness, and testimony. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing your honest truth. It helps me have a better understanding of my cousin and bro-in-law who both LDS and are attracted to their same gender. I admire your determination and faith!
ReplyDeleteReading your post moved me and made me very sad. As a fellow gay Mormon who has experienced the joy of a long-term relationship in the past, I couldn't help but feel compassion for the authentic feelings you shared. Now I'm again an active member of the church and enjoying the joy that this activity brings, I can't help but feel sadness for the inner chasm shared by countless other gay Mormons who experience conflict with natural love instincts (as you describe so well) and the desire to live a spiritually fit life. Thank you for your honest story and yes, love is real, if impractical sometimes, for gay LDS folks.
ReplyDeleteIt's been a while since I've read but wow- that last paragraph was SO AMAZING. It is so what I need. I don't have SSA, but I deal with my own crisis of love and faith.
ReplyDeleteThank you. Your words have inspired me and helped me to better understand my son.
ReplyDeleteI love this so much. I love your blog so much it is so unliftinf and has helped me cope with being a (gay) Mormon girl. I stumbled upon this blog as a 12 year old struggling with her feelings and her faith. I now have a very strong testimony and this blog has helped me a lot. I just wanted to tell you that I accpreciate all that you write.
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