It's been a few months since I found a manager for Soap Factory and moved more into the background of my business. This summer I tried to figure out what was next - I traveled a bunch, thought about / designed a dozen new businesses, and spent time with family and friends.
Most of my travel was awful. Everything that could go wrong, did, and I was homesick from the early days of weeks-long trips. A volunteering trip in Mexico was just as lackluster as the closed beaches of hurricane-struck Hawaii.
None of the business ideas could hold my attention or pique my interest. This one wouldn't really make that much of a difference. That one seemed boring to actually run. This other one was fraught with uncertainty and I lacked any leverage to make it thrive.
And while family and friends love me, relationships have always been a rough spot for me. I have a hard time feeling loved by the people around me... and it takes enormous effort to overcome the inclination to naturally distance myself from family and everyone who tries to get close to me.
In the end I realized that I almost completely lack goals in life. Not that long ago, my life had direction. I was preparing to go on a mission. Working on an undergraduate or graduate degree. Preparing to go to the temple. Trying to get married. Saving up for the future.
But today I don't need to work for money. I have everything material I really need. Mikey passed away in July, so I no longer listen at night for the alarm to sound so I can run up the stairs to help her when she falls. Attempting aerial acrobatics gave me crippling arthritis. And my dreams of getting married, raising a family of my own in this life, and serving a mission with a spouse seem completely out of reach.
I do have one goal.
I want to return to God.
And I guess that's enough right?
It pushes me to read the scriptures when I hurt and feel alone and ironically don't want to be around anyone else. To work out and care for my body even though I have no one else to do it for. To be physically around my family because I should be. To keep the commandments. To write in my journal.
There are seasons in life. Some points in my life have been exciting and momentous... and during those moments I wish for quiet. Others are so quiet that life seems silent... and then, ironically, I wish for motion yet again.
So I'm taking vitamins for memory and general health. Trying to figure life out. And hopefully I can take advantage of the quiet moments to develop habits that make me a better man forever.
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