Sunday, July 9

A Place to Belong

I had a heartbreaking professional realization. I'm not sure where I belong.

When I was younger I dreamed of having a 9-5 where I loved my work and could come home and rave about the things I did. A supervisor I loved working for, a business that made the world a better place, coworkers who doubled as friends.

I tried out my dream jobs. And they were everything I had dreamed. I did consulting in far-flung places and boardrooms and was a film actor. I performed as a singer downtown and wrote for a game design company. I published books and recorded music and started my own businesses. Everywhere I went, there was something important to be done, and as I worked on each project I honestly believed I would stay there forever.

And then time passed, and the crazy projects that had lit a fire within me shifted from creation to implementation. Sometimes there was another project that could hold me there. And maybe even another. But inevitably they ran out, and deep inside me I found my heart turning somewhere else. Wanting. Needing. Craving change and a dynamic that none of my dream jobs could consistently provide.

And it's still happening.

I remember believing that I'd work at Soap Factory until I died. And yet, only a few years into building a business from scratch, I found myself pulling away. My fully stocked experimental workshop ran out of recipes. The constantly shifting process finally settled down. And while I still worked there many days each week and loved the time I did, my heart turned elsewhere.

And then last night people came to Epiphany. While I was designing Epiphany I felt that I could make it last for life. It could be my mark on the world and how I'd spend the rest of my time.

The people who came had a blast. 

I did too. 

And yet...

Even while it was happening I found myself thinking that I should hire someone to run the event so I could yet again move on.

I likely will.

And *that* is somewhat depressing. With Soap Factory I had two years after we opened before my heart began to stray. Two weeks really doesn't feel fair.

If I don't feel like I'm supposed to stay with the businesses I built myself, where do I belong? What am I supposed to be doing?