It Gets Better... at BYU

(This post was just edited - Sunday April 8)

I have an apology to make. What I wrote in this post about the It Gets Better video from BYU didn't capture anything of what the video was about, and took away the effort and sacrifice, love, and faith that went into its creation. The video wasn't designed to teach the world about what Mormons believe about same-sex attraction. It wasn't designed to reaffirm members who wonder about those same beliefs. It was created for one sole purpose - a purpose that matches the reason I began writing (Gay) Mormon Guy - to reach out and help those who are struggling inside the Church... and to help them realize that, if you can make it past the hardest years, it really does get better. Life isn't over. You can have faith that life will go on, you can find happiness, follow your dreams, and... whatever else you want to make of your life.

That's why there isn't a distinction or any doctrinal teaching in the video... because it is designed only for the people who already know. It speaks to them, and even if everyone else doesn't understand, it still speaks to their hearts. Yes, there is a distinction between living the gospel and breaking it - and that's where the video lays. Staying in the Church, staying in life, staying on BYU campus, it gets better, and staying in the Church or on campus means staying morally clean.

I just watched the video again. And I applaud the students who share their love and their experiences - those fighting the battles and those who support them on the streets. Almost, it makes me want to be a part of something like that... another way to share the gospel with the world.

No matter who you are, what your life, or anything else, the Lord loves you. There is a place for you in the Church and in the gospel. And you can find peace, hope, love, and understanding from people around you. I add my voice here to those around the world.

It gets better.

Why I Believe: Modern Prophets

I grew up learning the names of latter-day prophets from a song in Primary - "Latter-day Prophets" - slowly adding on new names to the end as time moved forward. I learned about the lives they lived and the place they held in guiding and directing the Church, and found meaning in the Lord's decision to call each to serve. But how does that apply to me, personally?

God married Adam and Eve for forever while they were perfect in the Garden of Eden... but I'm not perfect. And when I need the most help from God and His power, it's often because I'm imperfect. A prophet is a man called of God who is given the authority and responsibility to act in His name for the welfare of His people. The Priesthood, and the organization of the Church, is how God has chosen to extend His power, physically, to help me grow to be worthy to stand in His presence. Because there is a prophet, my dad can give me a Priesthood blessing of healing and comfort... and give me counsel on personal issues that he doesn't know. Because there is a prophet, I can serve others and bless their lives through the Priesthood. Because there is a prophet, I can know the doctrine of Christ as it applies to me & to everyone. 

In one week is General Conference. The prophet and each member of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles will speak... and something they say will resonate in my heart and guide me to becoming a better man. Last October's General Conference precipitated the first massive wave of readers to (Gay) Mormon Guy. I'm excited to hear the prophets' voices as they apply in my life... in my day... to my problems. Over the next week, in preparation, I'll make a list of questions in my life to which I need answers. I'll take extra time to study the scriptures, to pray in faith... and I'll make sure that there aren't any unfinished projects hanging over into Conference weekend. And the answers will come. They always do. Sometimes they come to my heart as I'm listening to the talks, and sometimes it sounds like the talks were written specifically for me. The Lord loves me and speaks to me through the Spirit and through the mouth of His prophets. And that's why I believe.

Spiritual Paradox: the 4th Day of Christmas

I like to have all the right answers. But today a guy asked me a question that made my blood run chill. "What would you do if God commanded you to find a husband?"

I told him I honestly didn't know, and the conversation shifted to safer topics. I tried to convince myself that God couldn't do such a thing, as it went against everything I had ever known to be true. But in the back of my mind I wondered about my unanswered question. What would I do? As I thought, I realized that my question was about more than just gay marriage - it cut to the core of living life by the Spirit and following counsel received by prophets. What would I do if the Spirit prompted me to do something contrary to the teachings of the prophets - anything at all? It may never happen. But it has - Nephi was commanded to kill Laban. Abraham was commanded to kill Isaac. And black men were prompted to ask for the Priesthood before the Lord had made it possible. God could prompt me to do anything at all. What would I do?

I know that God will answer any personal question with a personal answer... and so this afternoon I asked Him to help me answer this one - if not for me, for anyone who feels torn between promptings of the Spirit and the teachings of the prophets... torn between wanting to follow God's personal counsel, and knowing how to follow it.

The first thing that came to mind was the importance of knowing the voice of the Spirit. Even the devil can appear as an angel of light... so my first step would be determining if the revelation truly came from God... and would involve a whole lot of fasting, prayer, scripture study, temple attendance, blessings, and meditation.

If the answer still held, and God still prompted me to move forward, I'd go on to the next step. Elder Uchtdorf's talk on divine lines of communication this conference emphasizes that all revelation and truth can and must be reconciled using two lines of communication. That is why we have two lines - so that, in difficult situations where issues are unclear, we can receive revelation from multiple sources.

So I would check using the Priesthood line - talk with my bishop, stake president, and anyone else who could receive revelation on my behalf. I'd explain the situation honestly and sincerely, and ask them to pray and confirm what I had learned from God.

If my Priesthood leaders confirmed what came through the personal line, then I would go forward with faith. If they did not, then suddenly I would be faced with a spiritual paradox. The Spirit tells me to do one thing; the leaders of the Church tell me to do another. Which do I follow?

This is the heart of the matter - do I follow God or His Church?

As I thought through this question, I was reminded of the many talks this conference that referenced the 14 truths about the prophet. Among them, the prophet can speak on any topic... and the prophet will never lead the Church astray. Ultimately this question, and my ultimate loyalty, hinges on one question - whether the Church is truly God's Church, and whether Thomas S. Monson is His prophet. Because if the Church is true, and Thomas S. Monson is a prophet, then what he teaches is true... and the Church has the authority and responsibility to guide how I live my life to enable me to receive salvation. In that case, the right thing to do will always be within the bounds that the Lord has set through His prophets. And if the Church isn't true? Then I have a much bigger problem.

I know that Thomas S. Monson is a prophet... and I know the Church is true. I've asked, and God answered me... and so I know that God will never lead His prophet astray, and that His prophet has the authority to receive revelation on my behalf. So what would I do? I would continually check the personal line of revelation and do what the faithful black members of the Church did as they waited for the Priesthood. I would follow God's commandment to me as far as I could within the doctrine of His prophets... and then I would wait for God to make the next move.

But my waiting wouldn't be for the Church to change - it would be to receive guidance in my own life to do what was right, paired with a willingness to submit to all His commandments, and prayers for God's oracles. Maybe He would change doctrine... and maybe He would change the commandment He gave me...

Commandments aren't always given with the express purpose of keeping them. I would try to look beyond His commandment and understand its purpose, since God gives me commandments to teach me critical principles of the gospel. In the scriptures there are examples of commandments the Lord never intended His children to keep. Abraham was not commanded to kill Isaac so that Isaac would die; he was commanded to test his faith and prove to himself that he would follow God in all times and in all places. That didn't change the commandment, though... or the requirement for Abraham to be completely willing to follow God no matter what. In my own life the Lord has often given me directions that seemed confusing or strange, only to change directions again in the future.

And so perhaps the commandment was given, not to be fulfilled, but to point me in the direction the Lord needs me to go, today, in order to accomplish His will. Maybe having the goal in mind to keep His commandment would enable me to be a better missionary and share the gospel, or motivate me to become a better person as a whole, so that God could give me more direction.

Ultimately, if God commanded me to do anything against the doctrine of the Church, and I knew the prompting came from God, then I would follow His commandments. I'm grateful to know that the Lord has called a prophet today who speaks to God on my behalf... and that the onus of receiving guidance from the Lord is not mine alone. I would follow the promptings the Lord had given me as far as I could within the guidelines set by the prophets... and then wait and pray to see what God did next in my life - if He changed the doctrine and commandments of His Church, wanted me to simply wait and learn patience, or if He turned me in another direction once I had learned the lessons I needed to learn by moving forward.

It all comes back to that - if the Lord has established His Church as an authority here on the Earth, and if He is guiding the Church through a modern prophet, then I can and must follow the teachings of the prophet to the ends of the Earth, for, in God's words, a prophet's teachings are the words of the Lord, and the prophet is given the ultimate authority to receive revelation in my behalf. If he is a true prophet, then his counsel, as the authoritative voice of the Lord, will always be the ultimate will of the Lord in my life. With that knowledge, I have a lens to see how to follow God's commands in my life.

Thank Heavens for answers to prayers... what began as an awful question became an opportunity to learn an important principle for my life. Whenever I receive any commandment from the Lord, I will do my best to follow it and all the commandments God has given - melding my prompting within the bounds that He has set through His prophets. I will follow Him with faith, and He will take care of the rest.

EDIT:
I forgot one sort of important part. At the moment I realized I would have to wait for God to give further direction - either to me or His prophet, I wondered how that would work. The answer - "You don't receive doctrine for the Church... and so that is not your concern. Keep my commandments, follow the prophet, and I'll take care of everything else."

Another Very Dissenting Opinion

I'll sometimes get comments like this one on my blog - from people who believe, honestly, that I can't exist as a righteous, faithful, happy Mormon Guy who is also attracted to guys. They're normally also chock-full of 'objective' statements that go against the nature of (Gay) Mormon Guy, so I don't have the time or real desire to publish them. But this one, while definitely disparaging in nature, made me think... and want to respond. So here goes. His comments are in italics. My response is bold.

And please avoid personal, disparaging, or vague general remarks about the guy who made the comment, or people like him. You already know that I probably won't publish anything sarcastic, vindictive, or whatever, no matter who it comes from. I realize that some of you will strongly disagree with him, and you're welcome to share your ardent feelings with me, but I may not publish your comment. :)

I'm glad you have an outlet through this blog, as do many of your fans and followers. The reality is, just as your title exclaims, is a giant oxymoron. You can't have both worlds. I believe those who are homosexual cannot coexist happily with the gospel, nor can straight members coexist with homosexuals. The gospel, at least the LDS gospel, strictly forbids sexual choices, and you know there isn't the understanding that homosexuality isn't always a choice. That being the case, you will never be happy in the gospel, I will straight out tell you that right now. The more you try to reason the gospel into your life, the more you'll have men you'll be attracted to (in the church) that will call you "creep" or shun you because it is not accepted. Please, find the things that make you happy, the ideology, the teachings, and run with them if they make you happy. But the gospel in its entirety strictly forbids who you are, and so you will live a life that will, in essence, be hypocritical and oxymoronic, and always painful.

The only way I know how to respond to this is my own personal experience. The gospel, specifically the LDS gospel, is where I have found peace. The members of the Church, like everyone else in the world, are imperfect... and when I rely on them or on anyone else for my happiness, I agree - I won't find it in the end. But I also know that I am not an oxymoron... and while those who live with my struggle may not fit in your eyes, I fit in God's. And this is His Church. I've spoken with leaders of the Church on this subject, and, of all the things I have learned, is the true acceptance of who I am. I am a son of God, who is committed to living the gospel. Yeah, I'm attracted to guys. And there is nothing wrong with being attracted to them. I repeat - there is nothing wrong with being attracted to others. God gave us attraction as part of who we are. For normal guys, it's to help them find a wife. For me, it's an all-encompassing trial designed to help me be who He sees in me. If all extra-marital attraction were sin, we would have much bigger problems on our hands. The sin, and the choice that is not accepted in the gospel, is choosing to sexually act out those attractions... and that is as prohibited for me as it is for men attracted women.

I'm happy, anonymous. Really. I know you may not believe that... but I'd ask you to ask God - and I know that He can give you the same understanding He gave me.

We've known who you were, even those in your ward know who you are. They won't understand. Happiness is not in trying to be a part of something that shuns you out, while you try to hold onto the little good you know there is. Don't hurt yourself with the church. I know the 'priesthood leader' you professed about that called you a creep, and it's people like him that prove that there won't be acceptance, allowance, or tolerance. It goes against what the gospel states to have those things. I'd want to reason and believe as you do, but I know I'd be lying to myself. You will be happy. There are many like you and they've found solace in a world outside the church. You state about Him and how He loves you, of which, He does. But His love isn't how you state it. His love is because you are His. His gospel, however, (if you believe the LDS doctrine) is not the same love you are hoping for. If so, then His mouth pieces, the apostles, President Monson, do not speak truth and lie. If you believe they do speak the truth, then you can't twist or reason that what they say, what the scriptures say, can be warped into what you are. The 'truth' is you must repent and turn to Christ, the way that is outlined by the church. Repentance isn't about who you are, it's what you do. Why repent of what you are if it's not a choice? I don't know if you see where I'm going with this.

If I went to church on Sunday and everyone knew, and everyone judged me, I would still go, and I would do the same things I do now - reach out to others and try to be a good person. My membership and faith isn't dependent on being understood or accepted by others - it comes from being understood and accepted by God.

Maybe you do know him. But I choose to doubt that unless proven otherwise. I could be being incredibly trusting, but I believe in the goodness of people, even when they give me every reason to believe contrary. I'm not naive - I treat people as the best I see in them, and give them the chance to live up to that vision.

And, even if there were a thousand people who rejected and hated me for my circumstances, I've met with so many people who are accepting of who I am - most Church leaders - that I'll never believe that the gospel, or the Church, doesn't allow others to love, understand, and accept that I am attracted to guys. In fact, I know it's exactly contrary. When a member of my stake presidency gives a talk on the importance of forever families... and then looks at me and talks about the faith that comes in living true principles even when you don't understand, I can see in him more than just acceptance and tolerance... in his eyes is a profound admiration for being true to who I am in a trial he will never face and struggles to imagine. Knowing me, and seeing my faith, has made him a better person, and helped him on his journey of faith... and I know that because he has told me.

I believe that it is here that I find peace and joy. I know that what the prophets speak is true. I know, not only because I've compared and critiqued their every word, but because I've turned to God and learned the same truths at His hand. I've seen the same visions, received the same revelations, heard the same still, small voice... and from those experiences I know that Jesus Christ is the Son of God, that Thomas S. Monson is a prophet of God... and that I'm on the right path.

Still, I'm saddened to see how sad you feel sometimes, both when I pass you by on Sundays or other days, and through this blog. If you want happiness, you need to not hurt yourself with the hope that things will change. The gospel doesn't change if it's true. Truth doesn't change. If you are who you are, you have no reason to change that part of you either. So the two can't blend together, but I'm sure you can coexist, separately. I'm sure you'll eventually figure out who I am, but that's irrelevant.

As far as figuring out who you are, passing you on Sundays, or constantly being sad, maybe you have the wrong guy. Here on (Gay) Mormon Guy I share only a small part of my life, and the only reason it's sometimes depressing is because this trial is sometimes depressing. But it's the only thing in my life that qualifies under that category... Everything else in my life easily qualifies as being incredibly blessed, and except for maybe a wife and family, I literally have everything that anyone could want. My life is awesome in almost every aspect.

Maintain the smiles you put on and push through each day. Just know you are in our thoughts, and you'll come out stronger in the end when you realize there's more to this life than being shunned out by that which you want to be a part of and parts that you want to believe. You are better than that, and that, I do believe with all my heart.

On this I agree with you, but with an application different than the one you had in mind. You believe that turning away from the Church, with its people and their potential prejudice, would give me happiness. Happiness doesn't come from people. It comes from God - and from living the principles of the gospel. True faith is giving to those that stand in need - and that is why we have the Church - not only to be buoyed up by others, but more to have a chance to serve and share and, by serving others, come closer to God.

Thanks for your comment. I know we believe different things, but I'm grateful that you care enough to write, to compose your thoughts for me. Merry Christmas!

Yesterday I Wanted to Die. Today I Have a New Life.

If there's anything I learned from my experience yesterday, it's that I place way too much stock in how others think of me. And when I think about it, it's still true. Deep inside my heart... No, more like right on the top, I want people to like me, to love the gospel, to gain the attributes that will help lead them closer to Christ. And realizing that I am still a novice in anything social is more than a bit unnerving.

And I was reminded that God loves me. In every way possible, the Lord told me that He loved me yesterday. Strangers walked up to me on the street and gave me hugs, or texted me and thanked me for a random thing I had done in their lives. Friends and family members called to check on me. Many of you posted comments or wrote personal messages. And a member of my Bishopric felt prompted to come by my house to see if I needed anything. Thank you...

I gave up my anger and tried to understand - to figure out what I could do so that I wouldn't push more people away. I learned that some people think I'm too friendly. Others blame the fact that I skip smalltalk, or that I'm overly confident and direct in showing people I care about them. And another said that treating everyone like my best friend could be the reason. Then the Lord gave me two thoughts... Both of which have made me think.

The first was echoed by some of you - don't worry about what other people think... Life isn't between you and others... Love people unconditionally even when they reject you... Rely on the Lord to know what you are doing right and wrong - not someone else's judgment... This was what helped me realize how little self-esteem I had at the moment. At least at that moment, everything in my life revolved around others... including my own personal self-worth. That places way too big a burden on others... and will ultimately fail. People can't meet all my needs, and I should rely on God anyway.

The other thought, which I haven't entertained much, is how much easier it would be to navigate life and avoid difficulties in communication if I could simply lay down all the cards on the table: if I and everyone else could honestly share our griefs, pains, trials, and sorrows with others so that they could better understand our needs and we theirs. It's the first time I've actually pondered merging my two worlds into one - putting a name and face to Mormon Guy and using my attraction to guys as a reason to who I am in real life. For the first time, I wasn't concerned about the impact it would have on my family, or on how people would think of me. I mean, I keep a blog on being spiritual and attracted to guys. I'm committed to staying clean for a girl even when part of me says she doesn't exist and I'll never find her. What girl wouldn't kill for a husband like that? Seriously, though, I feel peace about who I am, the growth and spirituality repentance in my life, and the work I'm doing in my part of the field. The only thing that made me wonder, is wondering if that choice - to become a public figure with a name instead of a cool pseudonym (It even shows up at the top of alphabetical lists! How's that for cool?) - would help or hinder the work and my own ability to serve in the Church and my workplace/chosen field. Right now it doesn't feel like the right choice. But it's a choice-- one that hasn't been in the past.

I don't know what will happen with my relationship with this Priesthood leader. I knew I wouldn't see him today, so I texted him (I think I may stop texting... or at least stop texting when I could call or talk in person the next time I see someone...) the following message: "[Name] - I hated you this morning...But I wanted to let you know that I forgive you and I'm sorry. Don't share this link with anyone [link to this blog]." I didn't know what to do except be completely honest with him - to lay all the cards on the table. I don't know if he'll follow the link, or if coming to (Gay) Mormon Guy will solidify my being a creep... but something inside me said I should give him that chance - the chance to see me in a totally different world... where maybe he would realize that at least my creepiness was unintended and totally benign. Whatever happens - if I find a friend who is willing to help me through life or someone who wants lots of space - I'll be okay. Really. Today was better than yesterday, and tomorrow is a new day.

Lifting Me

"I think a post on fellow-shipping members with SSA would be great. When I look around my family ward and think who I should reach out to, it is usually people in my same circumstance in life. So, in my case, I know how to befriend and serve young couples, young mothers, etc. So, if you were in my ward, how could I fellowship you? Should I encourage my husband to befriend you, befriend you myself, ask you to join our family for FHE or a dinner? Do you want to hold my baby? Do you want me to set you up with my single friends? What would make you feel most welcome at church from married couples?"


"I just learned that my friend's daughter is lesbian. What can I say to her if she wonders about how her daughter will be accepted in Church?"




I might be in your ward. And even if I'm not, two or three of my brothers or sisters probably are. I can't tell you exactly how to best fellowship every type of person. Every person who faces trials has different needs. But I can tell you how I have been blessed and fellowshipped by the people around me... the people who, in almost every case, had no idea of the impact they were having on my life. I'll say it again and again: The Church is the perfect place for me as I struggle with being attracted to guys... because it is through the teachings of the Church that I have come closer to God and found true peace.


I have a friend who, one day, just knocked on my door and asked if we could be friends. I didn't know her, but she had felt like she wanted to be friends with me... and had no idea how to begin. It may sound like her approach was a bit awkward, but that day had been terrible... and her knock on my door was an answer to prayer. Only moments before she knocked, I had felt so incredibly alone, and had prayed for someone - anyone - to simply spend time with. My roommates were as close to antisocial as you can get in an LDS community. I dropped everything to spend time with her whenever she wanted a friend. And as we talked, I felt useful, loved, and worthwhile. Did she understand me, completely? No. But she valued me as a person and a friend.


Another friend got my phone number the first time he met me, and called me each week to let me know when Family Home Evening took place... invited me to birthday parties for people I didn't know... encouraged me to play flag football or ultimate frisbee with the group each Saturday... and I reciprocated with invitations (and often a ride) to attend the temple each week.


Should you encourage your husband to fellowship me? Yes. Should you fellowship me? Yes. Do I want to be involved in your family? Yes. I love kids - I would love to hold your baby and rock it to sleep. The last time I heard a baby cry in Sacrament meeting, I wished I could go, hold her, and rock her to sleep out in the foyer while her mom and dad sat in peace and silence. I appreciate when I'm invited to family dinner, FHE, and everything else... even if I'm not in your ward. I love to laugh, play board games, talk about the world and the gospel, and eat good food. And even though being around families creates a powerful, and sometimes painful, contrast to my own current life... it fills a need in my life.


Now, the last question - do I want to be set up with your single friends? It doesn't really matter if your single friends are the most attractive females in the world. I've never been attracted to girls. It seems, from my perspective, that relationships that "don't work out" return to the state before you began dating. If we were total strangers before, then dating makes it pretty likely that we will remain total strangers forever. But if we develop a friendship and become good friends, then (at least hopefully) we'll stay good friends regardless of what happens romantically. Don't just introduce me to someone and say she's really cute. Leaving us in a room alone is more likely to destroy any chance of relationship than anything else. But introducing us... over and over again, and then letting the relationship move forward on its own, will allow us to become real friends - not just blind dates.


Of all the things you could do, opening your home and your life to me makes the biggest difference. I feel lifted when I lift others... and so you enable me by letting me help, even when you could do it on your own. The greatest trial I face is feeling alone, and feeling worthless... and when I am with people who love me and value me, I can almost forget my pain. For me, the Church, the temple, and my family are the only places I have ever felt accepted and loved. The only place where I knew that I was really a valued member of the group, and not just an outcast that someone had allowed to take part. Treat me like a brother. A friend. And realize, that, beyond the things I face, I'm just another person who needs a friend, an opportunity to serve, and to be lifted by the word of God. And when I have those things, it's easier to remember that I, too, am a son of God.

Learning to Love

Questions: Have you ever fallen in love with another guy? Is there a moral way to express the love you feel for another man within the doctrine of the Church? How can people use the word 'love' to mean so many different things?

I've been thinking a lot lately about the meaning of the word "love." It's amazing that so many people can use the word and yet present it in so many contradictory settings. The scriptures definitely teach that men should be full of "love"... But what does that mean? And, maybe more relevant here, how does same-sex attraction influence love... if at all? 

So what are the things that typify love? A desire to be near someone else, to understand the workings of his mind, to listen to his voice. To see him laugh and smile and to help him solve the problems of life with new ideas or just a listening ear. To see him grow and progress and become the person that God sees in him - and the person he truly wants to be in his heart. And, ultimately, to realize that my vision of that future may not be exactly what God has in mind... Or even what he has in mind, and being willing to help him in any way possible. 

Have I ever been in love with a guy? Yeah. So in love that I called him multiple times a week, visited him at his apartment, played sports with him, and found myself thinking about him throughout the day. In this case, I was also his home teacher, which made it easy to see why I'd be interested in how he was doing... but in the Church there is no ban of being a good friend. We never did anything that would arouse passion. This was the only guy who knew that I was attracted to him (that's a long story and circumstances were way too unique to post and keep anonymity). As far as his "returning" my love, it didn't happen. We were friends and that was all - and even then our friendship was mostly one-way. Then he got engaged, fell off the face of the planet, stopped really participating in anything, and I cried for a week. Not because I had lost a lover... but because I had lost a friend. 

It would be dishonest to say that part of my mind didn't constantly barrage me with the desire for a much more physical relationship. But I knew where that would take me - if not with him then alone somewhere else with dark fantasies that leave me with nothing worthwhile. 

So, the big question: what is love? And what defines its righteous expression, especially among guys who are attracted to other guys?

I think that different levels or types, or expressions of love each have three different facets:

1. A desire for present happiness. 

2. A desire for future happiness. 

3. A desire for eternal happiness.

Every expression of love denotes a hierarchy among each of the facets.

Now, it's obvious that the right way to express love is pretty simple to see when all of the facets line up. If something you can do will increase someone's present, future, and eternal happiness, then it's an obviously valid expression of love. Man finds woman, they find happiness in being together and want to be happy for all of this life and the next. They're sealed in the temple and spend the rest of life working to fulfill that dream.

But what about when an action requires subjugating one facet to another? In my opinion, that is where different types of love appear... and where the controversy over love erupts. A one-night stand holds present happiness over future and eternal. Gay marriage holds present and future happiness over eternal. These are types of 'love' - but, at least in my opinion, any love that subjugates eternal happiness to the present is not true love. The only true love is where desire for eternal happiness outweighs future, which outweighs present. That's the love that God shows to us, and the love that we should show to one another. He has sent us to a fallen earth, jeopardizing our present happiness, and given us the ability to sin, jeopardizing our future happiness, for the possibility that we will repent and return to Him happier than otherwise possible. He's willing to put anything on the line to help us grow... and He has.

So what are valid expressions of true love? I believe that true love follows true principles, and that anything else doesn't truly show love. True love, or charity, as it's called in the scriptures... comes from valuing someone else's, and my, eternal happiness over everything else. Being willing to sacrifice personal and even future happiness for their eternal wellbeing. Does being attracted to other guys affect that? Yeah. It means that I will never indulge in fantasy with other guys. It means, if I don't find a girl to marry, that I may never get married in this life. And it means that in everything I do, I try to help others be eternally happy - to develop the perspective and knowledge and habits necessary to help them in the life beyond this one. I have plenty of guy friends. We do all sorts of things together. If I'm overly attracted to them, then I have to make sure that I'm careful of what I do for my own sake. But, otherwise, I treat them like everyone else - someone to love, lift, inspire, teach, and comfort through the perils of life... a brother on the pathway to happiness.

Q&A #2

If I were your bishop* what would you want me to know or understand before you came to talk to me about SSA for the first time? (* by "your bishop" I mean that very generally, as in, the bishop/relief society pres/EQ pres of someone in a similar situation to yours) 

I can't say what would be the best things to know for everyone. We're all different, and even among the men who live with same-sex attraction, our struggles and trials vary. But I can tell you what I wanted when I first spoke with a Priesthood leader about this. Thankfully, he had been prepared.

• Therapy may have potential benefits in certain situations. But therapy doesn't usually fix spiritual problems. 
• I am not just going through a phase. 
• I am absolutely and totally terrified while I talk to you. Not of you, but of how telling you, or miscommunicating, could jeopardize our relationship and how you think of me. 
• My struggle with same-sex attraction is not going to go away just because I reach a certain level of righteousness. It might change over time. Or I may live with it, faithfully, for the rest of my life. 
• I need you to listen to me, affirm me for the good I do in the world, and simply love me. 
• Don't give me advice unless the Spirit compels you to do so or I ask point-blank. 
• Pray before we begin, and always keep the Spirit. 
• Ask me searching questions. Be specific. Look me in the eyes. Help me know that you love me, and make me answer difficult questions. If I am coming to you as the first person, I probably need to confess my sins and repent of them. 
• Let me talk. 
• Focus on helping me repent of my sins and helping me see the love of God in my life. 
• I am trusting you more than I could ever explain; you must never, ever, ever tell another soul. 
• I am not deficient in the gospel just because I life with SSA. I can still serve with the young men, and probably will have a greater ability to understand their trials. And I want to serve - to do anything I can to help others rise from their pain. 
• Bear testimony about your own life. Let the Spirit witness to me which parts apply to mine.
• Don't ever bring this topic up, mention it, make reference to it, have me speak on it, or anything else. If I want to talk about it, I will. Just listen to me and support me in choosing the right.

How do you feel about the media, or when you watch tv shows and movies? Almost everything has a gay or lesbian person portrayed. 

I'll be totally honest. I don't make time for pop culture. I don't watch TV or most movies. I just feel like there are things that are so much more worthwhile in life. There are sometimes good things portrayed in the media, and even some good movies and TV shows. But I prefer being with real people or creating my own story in my own life. As far as the portrayals of people in the media, few seem truly real-to-life. And the real-life stories make me feel compelled for a few moments, then disappear with the next commercial.

When peers (in church, specifically) make tact-less remarks about gay or SSA sterotypes, how do you handle it? How do you find the balance between maintaining a tactful discussion and keeping your own privacy? Do you ever fear that you are showing too much of yourself?

I've found that the answer is to always engage in every conversation as a voice of reason - to see the good side, to always push people to do what is right and think the best of others.

As far as speaking out, usually people are more teachable in smaller settings and when they are listening, not when they are the center of attention after a tactless remark that makes half the group laugh. From that perspective, it doesn't make sense to immediately object to gay jokes or speak out when I know that it will distance me from the other person instead of enabling me to make a bigger impact. Instead, I make a note and, later on, when I can see he is listening, voice a compelling comment on the importance of loving everyone, no matter who they are and what they choose. Will it immediately lessen the amount of tactless remarks? Maybe not. Will they still be painful? Yes. But simply helping others by teaching good principles (as the Church does) helps them to think more, to develop the right traits, and slowly the number of tactless comments will lessen on their own. If the Spirit directs, then I'll give direct feedback. If not, I try to teach correct principles and be a good example. That's the only effective long-term solution at my disposal.

Do you think/know if your co-works, peers, casual relationships know/can sense your same gender attraction? Do you think the girls you date have any idea? Either way--is this hard for you?

No one knows unless I've told them. And no, it isn't hard, because it means I can be myself around them - just someone who is trying to choose the right.

Lastly, how do you feel about the sterotypical "gay" men--fashion and styles specifically. I know you do not equate gay with SSA (which I like!), but do you feel the need to wax your eye brows and use the clinique mens facial line? (I'm doubting it.) How do gay sterotypes affect how you connect with others? 

I have absolutely no sense of clothes fashion whatsoever. So that is not usually an issue in communicating with others; it's just not a topic I often talk about. And I think I am doing pretty well at subduing my lifelong obsession with body image in favor of "my body is a temple of God." (side note: from my observations, obsession with body image is much more common than obsession with fashion. Fashion is sometimes just a subset of body image)

As far as my feelings on the matter, I don't think there's anything wrong with fashion, style, or buying specific brands. It's like being up to date on the latest pop music or the most recent news - totally acceptable as long as it doesn't hinder your ability to keep the commandments or distract you from the more important things in life. In my case, though, I would rather write my own story than read, hear about, or buy clothes that tell someone else's.