Strength from Fasting

So I broke my blog & food fast a few days early. You know how whenever you start to fast people start to offer you all sorts of amazing food that they never would have otherwise? Life is so ironic... For the first day I was fine, but when a friend wanted to take me to lunch, and I hadn't seen them in years, I decided that God had accepted my fast and broke it after a day and a half instead of three.

When I was little I wondered if it would be possible to fast for 40 days and 40 nights, like Moses did after the angel gave him food to eat, or like Christ in the wilderness. I couldn't imagine going without food and water for more than one day, let alone 40. They must have been superhuman or something.

I still wonder if I could go 40 days without food. Without water I'd probably die unless I lived in a really, really humid environment, ate tons of salt beforehand to drastically increase water retention, and somehow absorbed enough moisture to stay alive. But going without food would be interesting.

Fasting actually changes how the body processes food and nutrients. At the beginning of a fast, the muscles use up their stores of glycogen and ATP, reserving glucose for the brain and its functions. As time progresses and there's still no more food coming in, each organ and muscle group slowly begins the transition from burning only glucose to burning ketones - essentially shards of fatty acids that have been converted to a more usable form by the liver. The brain is usually the last holdout, but it, too, begins using ketones for energy, also eating any glucose that is left, anywhere.

At the beginning of a prolonged fast, while the body is changing its source of energy, it's pretty common to feel tired. I remember feeling it on my mission - we'd be biking and I would feel much more exhausted than usual (especially when appointments were ten miles away, partially uphill) on Fast Sundays and the evening before. My brain usually went on strike as well. But as time goes on, and each muscle group switches its energy source, the exhaustion and intense hunger lessens, and the body regains its ability to function properly - even without food from the outside... and my brain turns on and functions differently than before.

I think there's a spiritual metaphor there, but I'll let you find it this time. I'm not condoning prolonged fasts for the general population or anyone else. This blog is obviously not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, medicate, or whatever any medical condition. But I've found that the clarity of thought and strength of will that comes from fasting for a few days (instead of just one) is well worth the extra growling in my stomach. It gives me an opportunity to constantly remember God throughout the days, and gives me extra time to pray, read my scriptures, and dedicate my life to Him.

Meaning from Chaos

Blog Fast: Day 2

My life has been beyond crazy recently. Everything seems to go wrong, depression strikes, friends disappear, and family members seem totally clueless to what I'm going through. It's actually a pretty normal outline of how life has been for the last many years, but I've been realizing more and more that my life, with its chaos and constant ups and downs, isn't the norm, among Mormons, gay Mormons, or even gay Mormon guys. Most people are way more chill than I am in life – even other gay Mormon guys, and even though I find huge amounts of peace in living the gospel and turning to God, most people don't live their lives in constant upheaval unless they're bipolar.

So I went to the temple asking for direction. Asking for help and meaning – trying to understand what makes me tick, and why my life is constantly racing at breakneck speed when everyone else seems able to nonchalantly stroll. And the answer I got was striking.

The Lord gives us each exactly what we need to give us the best chance to return to Him. That's how He determines our trials, our gifts, our talents, our blessings, the events and circumstances in our lives over which we have little control. But that extends to others as well – the Lord gives them exactly what they need to give them the best chance to return to Him. Exactly why I live with being attracted to guys when the next guy over seems to have life all figured out? I don't know. But I know that, right now, there are lessons I need to learn from my life and lessons he needs to learn from his. Who knows – maybe he'll end up getting cancer at 45 and having to learn some lesson then. Maybe I'll have already learned the lesson another way, or I'll get cancer at 45, too. Ultimately, though, life is completely and totally fair – not equal, but fair – designed with our eternal well-being in mind and crafted perfectly for each individual who ever came to this earth.

So I embrace the constant upheaval of my life. I have the tools to conquer my depression, to reach out and to bless others, and to slowly become better. And, somehow, I find myself finding pearls of meaning among the chaos.

Proximity to Girls. And Closer.

My Blog Fast: Day 1

I'm not going to blog today. I actually wrote this post yesterday, along with the posts for tomorrow, and Thursday. I have a lot on my plate right now, and so I'm doing a blog fast (along with a normal one) to focus my thoughts. It simply entails not reading or writing any blogs and not checking my blog-related emails for a few days.

Why? It was a thought I had, and I need all the help I can get right now. I decided to try it. There isn't really a reason why.

But that's fine - on to the post.

Part of the issue of not being attracted to girls is the awkwardness of being physically near them. It's like when they had cooties all over again, except way, way worse... and no chance of ever growing out of it.

I have a friend who recently expressed her frustration because I never touch her. She's totally right - I don't. In my mind there's a reason... but I am contemplating change.

I've never actually had a huge problem touching girls; the issue comes when I think about the nonverbal social messages that come with touch. Hug at the end of an encounter = I really enjoy being in your company. Hug at the end of a date = I feel really comfortable with you. More hugs at the end of dates = I must really like hugging you... and so on.

I can't even imagine the messages that get sent from cuddling on the couch... but, wait a second. I'm being a bit unreasonable. Actually thinking about it, the underlying social messages can't
be all that intense. Guys cuddle with girls all the time and then never talk to each other again. Hey - they have makeout sessions and never talk to each other again.

So why am I so concerned about sending the wrong messages?

I think that part of it is wanting to be completely honest with girls. If I'm uncomfortable with my arm around a girl, I probably won't put my arm around her. And I probably won't kiss her at the doorway. More like a definite no on that one. I've made way too many girls cry already to do anything that would lead them on when our feelings aren't completely mutual.

But at the same time, physical proximity, and touch, are a vital way of developing attraction, and of showing I care about others. And touch plays a part even in friendship and totally nonromantic relationships. In the case of my friend, I find I'm unwilling even to hug girls until I know for sure that they have no glimmering hope that I'll fall in love with them. And while that may accurately express my lack of romantic desire, being standoffish is a type of disapproval that can really hurt.

So I guess that I've decided to change two things in my life. Sort of scary. I'll be more open with touch and other nonverbal ways to show I really do care when I'm around girls... and at the same time I'll be more vocal with girls who have romantic hopes to explain the meaning of what I do... and the realities of the difficulties of being more than my friend.

I'm not sure how this is going to work. I can already see myself with a girl on each arm watching a movie... and having major issues. But it's worth a try, right? Ready, set...