Faith to Be Made Whole

The greatest stories of triumph in life are not of men overcoming sin and darkness. While compelling, the distinction between light and dark stands before us all as clearly as the day. No. The greatest stories of triumph are of men overcoming humanity itself. Greatness, tribulation, mediocrity, passion, mortality, and all the facets that make life real... and with those ingredients of imperfection, somehow accomplishing the impossible... accessing the divine.

Sometimes it's easy to look at life and think, "If I could only conquer this trial, I would be set." To believe that once I've overcome my sins, or at least lessened them significantly, the pathway should be lined with roses. But overcoming sin is just the beginning of the pathway to conversion... a pathway that continues to climb all the days of life.

Accepting the Savior and His Atonement to pay for my sins, changing who I am, and repenting are all difficult tasks. But I think that sometimes there are even bigger difficulties... and that trials and blessings can be bigger obstacles than sins in arriving at conversion.

It is easy to see how the Atonement can change me from a sinner to a Saint. I repent, ask God forgiveness, and somehow Christ takes upon Himself the suffering for my sins.

But it is far more difficult to comprehend how the Atonement takes my pain, my failings, my talents, and all the rest of our mortal existence... and can somehow make it into perfection.

I've read the scripture in Alma that talks about how Christ suffered for our pains and our sorrows, how He carried our griefs. I know the passage in Preach My Gospel that says that all things that are unfair in life will be made right through the Atonement of Jesus Christ. I've taught people that they must lay everything... their faith, their hopes, their dreams, their love, their sins, and all they will ever have, on the altar of the Lord so that He can make them whole.

But it's still hard.

It's hard when I find myself sitting outside on a warm summer night, looking up at stars, wondering if I will ever really be able to find my way.

It's hard when I take a girl out because I want someone to spend time with and I know she'll say yes, not because I'm interested.

It's hard when people around me so easily accomplish the goals I can't reach... and when they seem oblivious to my pain.

And it's hard when I turn to the Heavens and ask, honestly... "Dear Father, what wouldst Thou have me do?"... and the answer is silence... an injunction to move forward on my own.

The greatest difficulty I've faced in life has not been same-sex attraction. It has been reconciling that trial, and every other facet of my life, with the reality of God's Plan for me. It's been learning to be humble, learning to accept His will, and ultimately having faith that it will all work out even if I have no idea how.

I think that's what the Lord expects of me, anyway. True miracles don't usually happen because those who ask for them understand how they are done... or even know the circumstances under which they operate. True miracles... like the miracle of spiritual healing that far surpasses any removal of mortal trials... come from felt need, honest faith, and submitting, completely, to God.

I don't know which way the Lord would have me go. Life is a mess. And yet I know that it will all work out. As I continue in faith, someday the Lord will help me write my own greatest story. He will take my inadequacies, my temptations, my trials, my hopes, my talents, my dreams... and then return them to me perfected. He will heal my heart completely, and I will be made whole.

My Dream

Dream.
Sleeping wish
To waking thought,
Then a goal of faith.
Life grows brighter
Work grows wings
Hopes move
From
Night to day.
When work is done
Though it is or not,
Dream another.
Dream.


Since I was little, I've had a dream. I've dreamt of falling in love with a girl and having a family of my own. Every wish I've made on the stars, every silent hope as I blow out birthday candles, every New Years resolution, and most of my prayers echo that dream. It guides my choices in life and pushes me to act each day.

I used to pray that God would help me find my wife (soon). But I've realized that prayer wasn't really the best way to fulfill my dream. Finding my wife wasn't something that could come true each day. It would happen once, and then I'd stop praying for it. And praying for it each day sometimes made me think that it was completely in His hands - and that I had nothing more to change or do. Honestly, I have no idea when it will happen... but as long as I'm doing my part, the timing for this part of my life will work out.

So the prayer I pray now, and the wish I make on stars, is this: Help me become the man I need to be today... so that I can be a better father, husband, teacher, and friend when that time comes. It's something I can work towards for the rest of my life. That dream fills the dual roles of helping me focus on and prepare for marriage, and also improve my talents and faith to fill the roles the Lord has in store for me today. It pushes me to write, to read, to work, and to grow. To exercise, to eat better, to engage in meaningful conversation and share the love I have with the world.

I should always have a dream that guides life. A righteous dream full of hope, life, love, and happiness. A reason to wake up each morning and work through the day, a hope that abides in the darkest hours of trial and tribulation, and a guiding force to making goals and changing human nature for the better.

There have been times in my life that I've looked up at the sky and wondered if I should let my dreams die. If I'm never going to be good enough, or if perhaps I chose the wrong dream to begin with. But I've realized that, even if my dream doesn't come true in this life (and I believe it will), having that dream is still worthwhile. It makes me a better man, more kind, forgiving, loving, and willing to change. It opens my heart to helping others fulfill their righteous dreams.

And if, after all is said and done, whether the dream is or is not come true, it was still worth it for the dreaming. The work, the life, the people are still changed forever. And then I can dream another dream.

Broken

There's a song I heard once that I really didn't like. It was something like "God Loves Broken Things." I didn't like the tune, the word choices, or the way the guy sang.

But the song has stuck with me, even though I can't remember the tune or any of the words, and I still remember the feeling I had when I looked inside and realized that I was broken... and that was okay.

Broken can mean a lot of things. It's the feeling of abject despair when total and absolute depression sets in - the real kind they make medication for, but doesn't always respond, no matter what I try. It's the realization that all the work I've done over years can't open the doors I need to move forward, or yet another full batch of relationships gone wrong. Dreams shattered, life in oblivion, and an apathy towards reality that pulls me from society and pushes all but those closest to me away.

I used to feel like I had no right to be powerless, no right to be depressed, no right to be broken or despondent. The sheer reality that I was, made life even worse - a cycle that pulled me deeper and deeper, until I finally let go.

Being broken has some interesting physical correlations. When I run a gazillion miles, eventually my body runs out of energy completely. At least, in the moment, it feels that way. It's sudden, and, in an instant the simple act of walking or running or biking or whatever is like pushing through mud or molasses. From all outside respects, it looks like there's really no hope unless I go eat something with a whole lot of sugar. I'm broken. But, inside, opaque to my perspective, a miracle is happening. When my body runs out of energy in the form of glucose and glycogen, my muscles switch fuels. Glucose is replace with ketone, and proteins are broken down into emergency glucose for indispensable nervous functions. Even my brain switches. And, as soon as the adaptation is over, life moves on.

I feel like the Lord is often trying to teach me something when I hit the wall spiritually and emotionally. When I feel like I've been run over by a Mack truck, or like the world is going to cave in on me... because at those times, I'm forced to look at my life and refocus on the Lord. Sometimes the rope that I'm holding on to, hoping that it will pull me up, is friendship. Sometimes it's my own will. Sometimes it's just stubbornness.

But in most cases, the rope I was holding on to wasn't a rope that would ever pull me up. It would only pull me down... and when I learned to accept reality, to be okay with being broken, that gave the Lord a chance to help me see where I needed to change.

Right now I'm broken. Physically, emotionally, socially, professionally... I feel like everything is shattering around me in every facet I can dream. Every facet but one. I know God loves me, that I'm giving my best, and that, no matter what happens, He will be with me.

And maybe that's why I'm broken - so that I can learn to better rely on the Lord instead of everything else in my life. To help me see that, when nothing else can, He has the power to bring me from the depths and do more than just fix me. From the broken pieces of my life, He creates something better than before... if I'm willing to let Him. And then I move on, until it's time to be broken once again.

Shhhhhh...

I think too much. I'm not sure if that's a trait shared by other guys with same-sex attraction, or if it's just me, but I definitely think too much. I find myself poring over my thoughts, my hopes, my dreams, and my fears, and fabricating complex rationales for most of the things I believe. I'm not happy with just experiencing life - I have to understand every facet of life that I can see.

Sometimes my tendency to meditate on everything comes in handy. When I need to create a project, I can manufacture elaborate plans, come up with dozens of alternatives, and see potential pitfalls before they happen. When I am thinking about people who I care about, they fill my every waking moment - something that was great at reminding me of my purpose as a missionary.

But sometimes it isn't ideal. Take, for example, the amount of stress that dating causes me. Most people would say to just go with the flow; instead, I find myself analyzing every move before I make it, and trying to determine its impact after it's made. It affects my spirituality when I obsess over my weaknesses, and consumes me when I need to change something in my life... blowing them out of proportion and, effectively, making them a much larger part of my consciousness than they were in the first place.

I found myself thinking too much over the last few days. And then I remembered an experience from my mission. I was in Church, wondering how I was going to deal with a major problem, and it was time for the Sacrament. The prayer was said, and my mind continued to race... and then I had the thought, "Mormon Guy, you should be thinking about the Sacrament. Shhhhhhh... be quiet. Be calm. Be still and know that I am God." So I closed my eyes, calmed my racing thoughts, and, almost immediately, a bolt of clarity showed me what I needed to do. I was so engaged in worrying about the problem that I wasn't open to the Spirit and His direction in my life.

The times that I've taken time to pull myself away from the world have always been positive. I've learned about who I am, what I want to accomplish, and I understand how to better apply the gospel in my life to find happiness and joy. It's like the feeling I get in the Celestial Room of the temple - peace, understanding, perspective, and hope. For a moment, everything is right in the world.

I think that taking time to think (without falling asleep) and ponder is important. But taking time to rest - and just listen, without engaging the constant deluge of thoughts and stimuli, is just as important. I, of all people, need to remember this in my life. To take time to be holy, to stop and listen, to disengage from the insanity of life to breathe. And as I do, I'm better able to hear the Lord and follow His promptings.

Shhhhhh...

Ultimatum: My Conversation with God

Ul•ti•ma•tum - noun, pl. -tums
A final, uncompromising demand or set of terms issued by a party to a dispute, the rejection of which may lead to a severance of relations or to the use of force.

Throughout the less inspired portions of my life I've sometimes asked the Lord, over and over and over again, to do something that fit my demands. I wanted people to love me unconditionally. I wanted them to understand and befriend me. I wanted them to appreciate the sacrifices I was making. I wanted a happy family, the perfect life, and the ability to make my trials melt away with faith and prayer. In some of them, I found myself simply asking the Lord for help, but in others I realize that I was dictating what I would and wouldn't do, based on His involvement in my life. I was giving God ultimatums.

They all made sense to me, and, to be honest, were based on extremely poignant needs and rooted in strong faith that the Lord, in His power, could do anything for me. But with each fervent request there was a consequence I had constructed - a penalty if God did not do what I told Him I needed Him to do. I wouldn't date if I didn't have the assurance that I would someday find a wife. I wouldn't tell my priesthood leaders about past transgressions unless they, or the Lord, told me to in no uncertain terms. I wouldn't engage in life and society if society and life didn't understand me. In each case, along with the fervent prayer, was a caveat... and those caveats limited the ability of the Lord to teach me, inspire me, and help me achieve the goals I had in the first place.

An ultimatum with God tries to enforce my will, my logic, my timeframe, and my knowledge onto the ruler of the Universe... instead of humbly asking Him for help and being willing to do whatever He asks of me.

But God can give ultimatums, too.

The conversion stories of Paul, Alma the Younger, and the people of Ammon have always been intriguing to me. In a moment, these people received a personal ultimatum from God and changed a massive part of who they were, how they saw life, and how they interacted with the Lord... and never turned back. It applied to them so deeply and personally that they could never, ever forget... and it gave them the strength to resist temptation for the rest of their lives. Now I think I know, at least in part, how they felt... because it's happened to me.

A little while ago I had a dream. In the dream, I was sleeping in a bed with my siblings. I got out of bed and my mother came in the room, then clearly explained that she knew about all of my past sins. "I love you," she said, "and I understand what you are going through, perfectly. But if this (sins associated with SSA - pornography, masturbation, ...) ever happens again, you will begin to lose your ability to help them (indicating my siblings)."

The dream broke, and I woke up shaking. It was obvious to me what it meant. There's no one on earth - my mother included - who truly understands me perfectly. Only God could say that. And the consequence that He revealed - beginning to lose my ability to help my brothers and sisters here on the earth - touched me deeper than anything else could... because it was personal, because it made sense, and because I knew it was real. That was it - the Lord had drawn the line in the sand, and crossing it again, even once, would have clear, present, and lasting consequences for me... and also for others. If I ever crossed the line again, something would be lost in me - and due to my lack of faith, someone else's needs would go unmet and unnoticed.

It will take a lifetime to see what I do with the knowledge I've gained from God - whether I will value my own salvation, and my ability to help others, or whether I will trade those for the things I think I want. Whether I will make my own demands, or follow the will of God. Whether I will forget, or burn the memory in my heart. Either way, the ultimatum is down... and it's my choice from now on. I value my ability to help others, and my own eternal happiness, more than anything else, and so I plan on doing everything I can to stay faithful, no matter what the cost.

A Spark.

A Spark.

Is it fake? A fantasy? A surrealization of what cannot be? Or is it real, and miracles do happen?

My heart is light, my eyes are bright, I woke up smiling while I slept last night. Can it be, that a girl can be the focus of my mind?

I see her lips, the way she laughs, the passion shining in her eyes; her voice surrounds me as it echoes in the dark.

And this morning, I give thanks, whether true or just a glance, to God on high... for He has let me feel a spark.

Mormon Guy

Wishing

The Sunday School discussion today began with a question - what gift do you want most in life? I began thinking about what I would ask God for, today, if He gave me the opportunity to ask for anything. Sort of deep stuff, if you ask me - not something that I can conjure on the spot. I mean, there are things that might be nice, but what would I really want? Greater faith? A greater ability to find people who need my help? Guidance in making decisions in my life or having an effect on the world? Then I realized that all the rest of the gifts desired by my classmates as they were singled out were physical objects. A pink car. A moped. A pet. My ward realizes that I'm... um... incredibly passionate about the gospel, but I didn't want to make people feel awkward... or make them think that I was holier-than-thou... Long story short, when I was suddenly called upon, I didn't have an answer ready that I thought would match the theme and was actually something I wanted, so the class decided that I wanted a wife. That's a single's ward for you - always focusing on marriage. The wish was actually accurate, and definitely in line with what the prophets and God want for me someday.

I've wanted to grow up and be a husband and a dad since I was a little kid. To be the epitome of romance to my wife, surround her with beautiful things, and spend late nights planning out our lives together and talking about the wonders of the universe. To wake up in the middle of the night and let my wife sleep while I hold a crying baby... and then hours later watching him sleep quietly in my arms. To be there for my children when they skin their knees, or fail a test, or when they triumph over the world and can tie their own shoes or walk home from school without getting lost. To be there, waiting, after their first date, and to see them gain a love of life and a passion for being in the world. To lift them from depression and teach them the gospel and walk with them late at night, just talking about God and His hand in all things.

When I got back from my mission, I wanted nothing more than to find a wife and get married. It didn't happen, and for a while I've felt a mixture of guilt, hot jealousy, frustration, despair, longing, optimism... my emotions shifted from one side to the other. 

But as the class went on, I realized that my burning desire to get married and have a family didn't have nearly so poignant a flame as it did in the past. Yeah, I still find myself jealous of the "you make me into a better person and I love being around you" monologues that come at the end of novels and film, but somewhere, deep inside me, I think I am finally becoming okay with following the Lord's timetable, instead of pleading with Him to consider mine. I've begun to honestly believe what the Lord promises - that the righteous will receive ALL blessings at His hand, in His due time. I used to be afraid of not getting married... afraid of being alone for the rest of my life... afraid of never being a father or a husband. But the Lord promises that every man who is righteous will fall in love, find a wife, be sealed in the temple, and have children - whether in this life or the next. And, as long as I am doing my best, God will take care of me and give me every blessing I need.

I'd love to find a girl tomorrow and fall madly in love with her. I want to have a family here and give everything to them. And I believe that it will happen. But whether or not it happens today or tomorrow or in a hundred years doesn't change the decisions I make in the meantime to keep the commandments and rely on the Lord. And it doesn't change the fact that I can be happy - no matter what does or doesn't happen in life... and that I can move forward from wherever I am to become better.

Meaning in Patience

Across the US, rain has drenched cities, causing massive flooding filling reservoirs beyond capacity. The cool, wet weather and late frosts prolonged spring into early June, and for a while the only things blooming were small, scraggly, but definitely green. Then, in a burst of prolonged sunlight, summer came... and with it a very unique set of circumstances.

Usually, spring gardens bloom in sequence. Crocuses, forget-me-nots, early daffodils and miniature tulips, larger tulips and apple blossoms, lilacs and day lilies and massive bearded irises. But this year, it didn't happen that way. The long, cloudy weather meant that, for months at a time, none were blooming... and then, all at an instant, everything bloomed at once. Irises in the same bed as crocuses, tulips, and daffodils - something I've never seen before. Roses backed by those same flowers, instead of being flocked by the green after-blooms of foliage. And when the day lilies finally bloom, with their blooming season they'll probably bloom until November.

I think that if I compare myself to a garden plot, it's pretty telling in my life. For most of my life, I would have given anything to be "normal" - to fit in to any group of people. Here on (Gay) Mormon Guy I only share a facet of my life; you can be sure that I'm probably the strangest person you've never met. I looked around and saw flowers blooming in everyone else's lives... everything going right, with no apparent difficulties on their parts. And my garden? Um. It's definitely green. I have a strong testimony and a faithful conviction of the truth. But the flowers and fruit that are in other gardens are conspicuously absent, and I'd really rather not be like the fig tree that Christ cursed when Summer was nigh.

Today, looking at gardens, I'm again realizing that the Lord always has a purpose in His designs. This year, a late spring and heavy rains left gardens bare of flowers and fruit... but only a few months later, those same conditions made summer gorgeous. I think the same thing is happening in my life. Maybe right now all my dreams are on hold. I don't have a wife, kids, and the love that I watch blossom around me. Those who don't know in my life are probably wondering what is taking so long. But someday it will happen. The flowers will bloom, summer will come, and all my dreams will come true. It won't be today, but I know that it will happen. The Lord has promised that every blessing will be given to the faithful in His own due time. And in the meantime I'm enjoying the rain.

My Vision for (Gay) Mormon Guy

I visited a site once that had a crazy strict comment policy. Essentially, anything that didn't require intense thought to write wasn't publishable, and was rejected before it even went up. There was a minimum word count. The comments that made it through the automated approval policy were subject to public review on a 1-7 scale... and if a comment got too many low ratings, it disappeared entirely. Post too many low-rated comments, and a subscriber lost his ability to comment at all.

I'm not planning to implement a comment policy like that. The programming involved would be way more than it would be worth, and sometimes I want to leave short, meaningful comments on other sites - just because I want to thank the author. And the word count requirement in the super-strict comment forum meant that people added extra adverbs and adjectives to their posts just to pass the filter requirement.

But I've been wondering about comments recently here at (Gay) Mormon Guy... and I want to try something to see if it makes a difference.

I've thought a lot about not posting simple "thank you" comments. I almost decided today to stop posting any comments that didn't include a question or story for a week. But it's not really my goal to discourage people from expressing gratitude, or any other good feeling, when they can't think of a worthwhile question or experience. It would be like the word minimum that made people add superfluous words to their comments.

So I guess I'll settle for the next best (or maybe better) thing. Sharing the vision.

I invite comments here because I want to create an environment where people can discuss and share their own success stories of faith in their lives. I moderate comments so that people feel safe from attacks... from either side. I'm conservative on what I put here - and sometimes that means that I leave out posts from overzealous members of the Church, gay reparative therapy advocates, gay activists, anti-Mormon preachers, and a host of others. The Huffington Post has vitriolic discussions on gay activism. Exodus and NARTH have forums where you can push and be pushed your flavor of therapy. 

(Gay) Mormon Guy is different. At least, I'm trying to make it different. As much as I can, I'm trying to make it into the blog that I wish I could have read when I was 14, 15, 16... something different from what's available everywhere else... to bring me hope and help me realize that true success - combining incredible happiness, complete obedience to gospel principles, faith, and honesty, no matter what trials I face - really is possible. And not just someday when I die - now... in the midst of life and its everyday chaos.

I'm not an expert on anyone's life but my own. While the principles of the gospel are universal, the journey to success is different for a lot of people. Some come out to the world and then come back. Some find peace in their youth. For some it takes longer. Some search for years. Some people turn to therapists. Some turn to friends. Some people turn to family or anonymous strangers. I have a lot of other problems in my life that I'll never address here at (Gay) Mormon Guy... but the reality of the story is that, for me, moving toward success has been a journey that has taken most of my life... with just me and God as the passengers. (Gay) Mormon Guy is my story. And hopefully something here inspires you to turn to God, follow Him, and write your own.

For Better or Worse... In Sickness... and Depression

I had a history teacher who was incredibly passionate in high school. He seemed slightly crazy and would bring up incredibly random facts and ideologies, then find ways to convince us of their application to life. Amid recommendations to read "The Last of the Argonauts" and attend obscure, questionable theatrical performances, he introduced us to biorhythms... and gave us each a chart with the task of mapping out our own individual biorhythm and corresponding highs and lows.

I remember my curiosity being piqued... it makes sense that the mind and body follows discrete patterns... but is there an actual way to track them, outside of the stuff that girls do? I definitely wondered if there was anything real about biorhythms, and tossed myself headfirst.

The first problem I ran into was inherent bias - the placebo effect. If I chart my own biorhythm, it's much more likely to become true if I think it's a plausible explanation for mental, spiritual, physical, or emotional health. And it's more likely to be false if I disbelieve it in the first place. Unfortunately, I've never had the opportunity to have someone else track my moods and performance over time and match them to my "official" biorhythm according to the normal equations... but ultimately that's not totally relevant. What my teacher was trying to explain was the importance of understanding when to fly and when to fall back - the natural ups and downs of life and how to best use them.

I hit a massive down this week. On a bunch of levels. All at once. It would have been the bottom of all my biorhythms - the day that the charts told me to stay inside and plan nothing important. It was Memorial Day. So I found myself feeling like my head would explode, my brain turn to mush, and my whole body would freeze (wrapped in a dozen blankets), while simultaneously having to cancel holiday plans because I couldn't stop crying. Craziness. My depression has ceased to really be detrimental on my overall attitude, but it still makes me wonder about it all. The thought was more than a little absurd - here I am, able to tell my body to do pretty much anything I want, and yet I find myself crying for absolutely no reason and totally unable to stop. And when I've been crying for hours, posting and responding to comments is no longer at the top of my list.

Something this had made me wonder about is the huge amount of uncertainty that will come when I eventually find a wife. I probably won't find someone as messed up as I am (since the blog here at (Gay) Mormon Guy doesn't even scratch the surface of my problems)... but everyone faces trials. Everyone has difficulties. And everyone has things the Lord has or will ask them to consecrate beyond their personal will. I guess I just wonder what those things will be like for the girl I'll someday marry. What's her story of learning to trust and rely on God? Of coming to know who He is? Of finding peace in the doctrines of the gospel as they bring perspective to everything in life? How did she realize that all things, even potentially complicated or hard things like same-sex attraction, can be for our good and give us experience if we "endure it well," "love God... and serve Him"?

Someday I'll find a girl to marry. And we'll promise to each other and to God to love and support each other - whether or not health comes... Whether or not our dreams come true. We'll make the commitment, and rely on the Lord, finding peace and hope and happiness in the truth that the gospel brings each day.

And Then.

Sometimes I think I'm done with this. That I've moved on, somehow finished this trial, and it will disappear, leaving only a memory and an empathy possible in no other way. Time goes by and I find myself engrossed in the world of work, dating, and everything else that takes precedence in social life. I look out through my lens into life and the world and, almost, feel like everyone else. My blogging here at (Gay) Mormon Guy slows, as my mind moves in other directions, and it crosses my mind more than once that I could never come back. Part of me always entertains the hope that I won't... that this will be my last post and I can move on, disappearing into society like every other success story. And then.

I get a handful of emails from people who share their own experiences... and relate how reading mine has done something in their lives. They write of prayers, of fasting, of newly found hope and faith, of change and of peace. And I feel a kinship. A love that wracks my heart and burns me inside... unwilling to leave me alone or let me be silent. And suddenly I am consumed with a desire to do something to help others, to open my mouth, even when another voice inside me just wants to disappear, live my own already-too-messed-up life... and somehow stop caring. "It would be easier that way," the voice says.... But true love doesn't work that way. Meaning doesn't come from watching life from the sidelines. I learned that on my mission - when the Lord shows me His love for others, I am irreparably linked to them. Blessed with their successes and bruised with their defeat. They consume my thoughts and direct my passion... with no vacations, breaks, or leaves of absence. And it keeps me alive. So I look outward, and recommit myself to making a difference, even if I've moved on. And then.

I start dating a girl even though I feel no physical attraction... because I think that maybe we could have an emotional or intellectual bond that could then develop and grow... and she feels the same. And maybe it will. Time can only tell. But then I realize I'm more interested in my relationship with and attracted to a guy in my ward in every way than I am to her... and my mind falls to pieces. 

I've never wanted anything but friendship from other guys - this guy included. The attraction complicates everything. On one side, if we stay casual friends, that would be great with me. Amass enough casual friends, and eventually I'll find good friends, right? The likelihood of finding best friends isn't very high anyway. The other side of me pushes me to try - to do something to ensure that when circumstantial friendship ends, there is still something there. In both cases - with the girl I'm dating and the guy I just want to befriend. But almost every time I've tried has failed... in one way or another. And my relationships are often full of stress and tears anyway... even for my family. Maybe it isn't worth it. Maybe I'm not worth it.

And then.

The Lord tells me that I am. Worth it. Worth whatever pain it took... to Him... to help me become who I am today, and who He sees in me. And maybe this time it will work out - maybe I'll find good friends and a future wife and live happily ever after. Maybe not. But someday it will happen. And as long as I'm doing the right thing, what happens tomorrow, or the next day, or even for the rest of mortality, doesn't matter. The Lord will make it work out in the end, and in the meantime, it will all be worth it. I'll do my part... and then... He will do His miracle.

Dear Mom and Dad

(I wouldn't actually send a letter. Even though I write well, my parents are verbal people... and they have the important ability of being able to listen even when they're confused or frustrated or lost - a rare trait in parents or children these days. With some people, writing leaves distance from difficult situations... but I've found it works much better to sit down and talk with them in person...)

Dear Mom and Dad,

I have something to tell you... something pretty serious. Yeah, you'll want to sit down. Close the door.

I've mentioned a few times about a blog I write and how it has helped me have an impact on the world. It has been amazing - I've had the daily opportunity to touch people's lives and help them find the faith to avert suicide, fix broken marriages, and pursue lifelong dreams. I started it almost a year ago. You've never read the blog... it's actually anonymous... and it shares how I live the gospel as part of my daily life... a rare insight to a side of me that I don't share with anyone else. It's a story of pain, of suffering, but also of hope, of love, and of faith and hope and trust that the Lord will fulfill His promises.

The topic is... well, I've lived for as long as I can remember with same-gender attraction. I share the gospel through that lens. I don't expect you to understand or know anything about what I'm going through... or even what you should do or not do. There are just a few things I want you to know.

I'm clean. I'm worthy of a temple recommend and plan for that always to be the case, no matter what the cost or what I have to give up.

This isn't who I am. It's not an eternal part of me. But it's something I face today, and have faced for years.

I support everything that the Brethren teach, and I feel like I understand most of what they teach in the actual context they intended. I don't express or support anything contrary to Church doctrine or policies.

Don't treat me differently. Don't expect anything less of me, or more of another, just because I live with this in life. In my Patriarchal Blessing, it promises that I'll fall in love with a girl, be sealed to her in the temple and have children in this life... and while it will take a miracle for that to happen, I believe in miracles. I believe that it'll happen to me, if I'm doing everything I need to do on my part.

Never tell anyone. Never allude to it in conversation. Don't bring it up with me unless you feel the absolute need, and never with anyone else. You can read my blog... just Google "Mormon Guy" and it will be the first hit... but realize that my anonymity needs to be intact... because the Lord has asked me to keep it that way. He told me never to tell anyone... and so the only times I've ever told anyone was when He told me to.

And so that's why I'm telling you - because He told me to. I wasn't ever planning to tell you. I wasn't ever planning to tell anyone, and then that all changed with my blog, when I realized that I had something that others needed - the perspective and faith and hope and peace and joy the gospel brings in everyday life, no matter what trials we face.

As far as what you can do to help me, keep me in your prayers... and when you try to help me in any way, look to the Lord for guidance. The answer isn't going to come from something simple or straightforward; otherwise, we would have already figured it out - it will come as a miracle, as we look to God and follow His promptings, no matter what they are.

I love you... and someday I want my own children to trust me enough to come to me with their problems... hopefully sooner than later... and I wanted you to at least have the vestiges of understanding.

It'll be okay. I'll be okay. The Lord has made amazing promises to me and all His children, if we keep His commandments... and I'm doing that. He will bless me, and it will all work out in the end, and today, for the best.

Mormon Guy

(As the top parentheses explained, this is not a coming out letter. It's just the information I would want my parents to know... and what I would want to know if my own future son struggled with this same issue.)

Coming to Zion

When I was little I dreamed of being alive when the prophets called for people to come to Zion. The thought of leaving everything behind to go to some faraway place was uniquely appealing in my mind - even though it probably meant I'd have to make new friends, walk a thousand miles, or eat somewhat tasteless roots for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

I'm sure that at least part of my fascination was a misunderstanding of the hardships that the pioneers actually faced. If I got hot on a summer day, I could walk inside, grab a glass of ice-cold water, and relax in the air-conditioned air. They didn't have air conditioning or ice in the middle of the summer - it was a totally different world. If I were called to Zion today, I'd have an air-conditioned ride, plenty of food, and constant communication with the outside world.

Another issue was my belief that Zion would be a perfect place that I could just go be a part of, without any work on my part. In reality, people are imperfect, and building Zion is a joint effort among everyone involved - gay Mormon guys included. I have my own trials and temptations to overcome, and my own abilities to build the kingdom.

As time has passed, I've realized that coming to Zion doesn't have to involve walking a thousand miles or even gathering to a physical location. Like the children's song says, "you don't have to push a handcart, leave your family dear, or walk a thousand miles or more to be a pioneer." Zion is the pure in heart, and just as I can stand in holy places by being holy, I can build Zion where I stand - whether I live among the Saints or in the middle of nowhere.

I think that's what I love best about the concept of Zion - the vested role that each member plays in its success. It's not a place I go to be among the perfect; it's an attitude of perfecting others - of reaching out and doing my part to build the people and improve my world.

Zion is the pure in heart - not the place, but the feeling of truly loving God and consecrating my life and talents to Him. Hopefully, as life passes me by, I can find my own way to be a part of Zion - to answer the call to come unto Christ - and continue to make my part of the world brighter, happier, and closer to God... and lift others who are on their own journey to Zion.

Waiting for Someday to Come

Someday. 

I've been promised that a lot of things will happen someday. Fall in love with my future wife, marry her in the temple, have a great marriage and raise righteous, happy children. Affect the world in my chosen field. Be strong in the Church and grow righteous enough so that, like Captain Moroni, I'll be entirely free of the influence of Satan in my life. Someday.

My parents instilled in me a deep sense of industry, though - and so my waiting is a little more intense than the norm. I can't sit in a hospital waiting room and leaf idly through magazines, or sit idly outside the bishop's office for an interview. I guess the issue is that I have trouble just waiting - and so while I wait, I work on something else. If I'm expecting a phone call, I take my phone with me outside to run, or to the gym. I take girls out who I think would enjoy it for low-stakes, fun dates while I'm trying to figure out who to really ask. And while I wait on the Lord to help me understand His will for me, I write my innermost thoughts and broadcast them to the world as (Gay) Mormon Guy.

I used to simply ask for the blessings I knew I needed. Now, when I turn to the Lord, I find myself asking Him to prepare me for blessings, and help me find opportunities to serve, as much as I ask for the blessings themselves. While single, I've met people all over the world and had the opportunity to be a part of their lives - something that I may not have been as quick to do while married with children. (I definitely would have never started this blog, either) And, as I've waited, and worked, and prayed, I've seen changes in my own life - imperfections slowly buffed away and character developed into who I someday want to be.

In the end, the hopes I have for someday are widely different than the hopes that God has for me. I want to fall in love, be married, and grow with my family in righteousness. God wants me to be the best father and husband I can - and so He is teaching me now, with opportunities only available while I'm single. I want to shout the joy of the truth from the rooftops; He wants me to better understand the people, the message, and how to compose my words to be applicable - so that I'm not just shouting. I want to return to live with Him someday; He wants me to become more like Him today.

I'll keep waiting. I know that He will fulfill His promises to me - He's God. When He makes a promise, He always keeps it. But getting to someday probably requires effort on my part, and so I keep moving, working, praying... while I'm waiting for someday to come.

Why I'm a Mormon

I was on a blog the other day and found myself wanting an "I'm a Mormon" button for this blog. I could make one, but the buttons were designed to link to Mormon.org profiles... and since profiles are uniquely linked to your membership number, I can't really create one as Mormon Guy. *sigh* I guess I'll just link to the homepage.



If I had a Mormon.org profile, this is how I'd answer the question, "Why I'm a Mormon."

Many of the good things in my life come from being a Mormon. A close relationship with my family. The ability to meet new people and immediately share a bond that can develop into friendship. A hugely optimistic worldview. Endless opportunities for service. But the Church doesn't have a corner on family relationships, friendship, happiness, or integrating spirituality and service. If I searched hard enough, I could find ways to get all those outside the Church. But there are some things that I could never find if I left... and those are actually the most compelling. They're worth every sacrifice I've ever and will ever make to stay worthy of them.

The reason why I am a Mormon is because of the unique blessings that come with my membership in the Church:

The gift of the Holy Ghost - which is the promise that, as I live my life righteously, God will always guide and direct my paths, keep me from harm, and inspire me with direct, personal revelation in my mind and heart. This gift alone is worth my membership in the Church and any sacrifice. The Lord has given me promptings that have saved my family's lives, prevented suicides, opened hearts, and changed my own life. And it's more. I can pray, at any time, and hear the voice of the Lord and know His will for me in my life. Not perfectly, and not always with the detail I'd like, but He always answers. And when I pray for peace, I am always surrounded by His love. Those are the promises of the gift of the Holy Ghost - that as I do His will, His Spirit will always be with me.

The power of the Priesthood - the ability to exercise the power of God in behalf of His children here on earth - whether giving a blessing of healing that miraculously makes pain go away, bones heal, and hearts change... exercising power over the elements... or giving a blessing of comfort that opens the windows of Heaven to show God's love. Again, this has saved my life and the lives of others. But more, it has brought incredible peace in a world of pain and chaos.

The blessings of the temple - in the temple I make sacred promises to God, feel His presence, and am able to see perspective in my life. When nothing seems to make sense and I don't know what to do in life, I can go to the temple with an open heart, searching, and I always leave with answers. I've paid thousands of dollars for the opportunity to learn from experts in the world. The preparation of personal worthiness the Lord asks before entering the temple is definitely worth it.

The ability to invite others and see their lives change. The gospel is one of the few things in the world that is really universal. The principles of faith, repentance, making covenants with God, and following His counsel can help every person on the planet live more fulfilled lives and come closer to Christ. And the peace and joy that comes as I see someone's eyes light up - as he makes changes in his life and develops a greater relationship with God - is priceless. Saving a life is nowhere near the miracle of saving and exalting the hopes, dreams, and happiness of another soul.

Yeah. I may have a rough life when I'm attracted to guys and not to girls. And I have a lot of other problems, too. But being a gay Mormon guy (with emphasis on the Mormon part) has been the greatest thing that could ever happen to me. I wouldn't trade my life or my faith for the world. And that's why I'm a Mormon.

The Place of Attraction

There's a somewhat heated debate in the faithful & gay world as it relates to attraction in marriage. 

One extreme says that it is the most cruel, evil, dishonest, selfish, sadistic, and everything else thing I could ever do to marry a woman who doesn't take my breath away and make my heart skip a beat with a glance. Those who adhere to that extreme also sometimes use it as a reason why it would be better for me to leave the Church and "find a man."

The other side says, often with decades of experience, that sexual attraction between spouses isn't necessary for a happy, fulfilled, and successful relationship. Then they mention that those who think amazing sexual relations in marriage are crucially necessary for its survival obviously lack the maturity, commitment, and real love to stay married to a spouse who becomes quadriplegic, partially paralyzed, or simply ages poorly.

Since I've recently gotten heated comments from both sides, I thought I would share my viewpoint here.

I believe that the decision to marry, for me and others who live with same-sex attraction, is a personal one. Some men and women will make the righteous decision to live with lifelong celibacy - focusing on how they can help the world as a whole and believing in the promise that they'll find love in the end. Some won't. As far as the criteria for marriage, and how the Brethren feel about it, I agree with what the Brethren have said in an official statement when asked whether male Church members who are attracted to other guys should marry:

"Persons who have cleansed themselves of any transgression and who have shown their ability to deal with these feelings or inclinations and put them in the background, and feel a great attraction for a daughter of God and therefore desire to enter marriage and have children and enjoy the blessings of eternity — that’s a situation when marriage would be appropriate."

So there are three criteria. 

1: "Have cleaned themselves of any transgression" - which extends beyond just repentance for an action; in my mind it means that I have overcome my temptations, have repented, and am living a truly clean life.

2: "Ability to... put the feelings in the background" - I think this shares a key component. The feelings may never completely go away. But deciding to marry is based on how well I can mitigate and act when the feelings are present - to take control of my life and define myself as a son of God even when temptation is there.

3: "Feel a great attraction for a daughter of God" - this is pretty self-explanatory, but, drawing from the statement, it needs to extend to wanting to be married, have children, and share eternity together. Obviously I would never marry someone that I didn't want to share eternity with.

All three components require miracles on the part of the Lord. The miracle of forgiveness, the miracle of strength and faith, and the miracle of falling in love.

So where do I stand? I've seen miracles in my life with forgiveness and change, and I've found strength in the gospel to face my trials. But I haven't felt the last one yet, and so that's what I'm waiting for. In my patriarchal blessing it talks about my future wife and me being completely and totally in love with each other - with nothing in the world able to come between us. I just haven't found the girl of my dreams so that I can become her guy yet. It'll happen eventually; until then, I keep loving, and looking, and living. I wonder what love language she'll have...

If I Were a Superhero, What Superpower Would I Have?

That question is bogus. I can't think of one superhero who chose his power. It was something inside him - a set of conditions thrust upon him by forces far outside his own control - and it happened with or without his consent.

But, along with super speed or an incredible intellect, superheroes have something that, from my perspective, is worth far more than their superpowers. The greatest superheroes take their personal circumstances, overcome their weaknesses, and focus on their strengths. And once they find their own strengths, they begin to serve others, eventually developing a deep and abiding love for the people they serve.

If I had incredible speed, I'd probably be a runner, and try to find a way to share the gospel through my fame. I'd change the world through music if I could entrance with my voice or song lyrics. I'd wow people with my super strength and find ways to serve others with invulnerability or the ability to fly.

But I don't have any of those things. I'm just a normal Mormon guy, living a normal Mormon life. And yet, deep inside me, I feel like I'm destined for something far more than being a normal Mormon guy. Deep inside, I know that I am a son of God, and that He has sent me here to play a part in the history of the world... which is way better than being a superhero.

God gave me gifts, with the injunction to develop them so that I could bless the lives of others. He gave me the seeds of superpowers - gifts uniquely tailored to me and my needs.

I don't have superhuman speed. I do have the ability to love people and, sometimes, to truly empathize with them because I understand their pain. I can't jump tall buildings in even a hundred bounds. I can write and articulately share my feelings with others. I don't have X-ray vision. I can see the hand of God all around me in life, and I can share that with the people in the world. When I'm having a good day, I see the good in everything. And when I'm having a rough day, I can see the lessons that life teaches on every side. 

I'm not sure if Marvel will ever trademark a character named after me, but the Lord has given me enough powers or gifts to do my part to save the world. Being attracted to guys plays a part in those gifts, as does everything in my life. The real question is not "What superpower would you have to help save the world?" but "How will you use the cards you have been given to help save the world?" 

I am endowed with the seeds of divinity - promising me a destiny far beyond superheroes. Whether I attain that destiny is dependent on how I live my life - as a superhero, trying to find ways to love and serve others, or as just another guy.

Pre-Valentine's Day Thoughts

Pre-Valentine's Day Thoughts

I asked five different girls out for tonight, beginning earlier in the week, stretching through tonight. Everyone was busy. And I know it was that they were actually busy (and not just uninterested) since all of them have been pretty clear that they wanted to spend more time with me. Which leaves me without a date the weekend before Valentine's Day. Like usual.

Wait a sec - I just thought of one more person I could ask... We just sort of broke up, but she made it clear that she still wanted to be friends. And a friend date would be better than nothing...

Nice. She said yes, sounded excited... but is busy right now, so we'll work out the details in a bit. That's a miracle. Blog about my problems, and the Lord solves them for me on the spot. I don't have a real date for tonight, since it's clear between us that we're not going the romantic route, but that's fine - all I really need is someone to distract me and an opportunity to have fun.

On a side note: A recent comment asked why I'm so passionate about finding the right girl, instead of just deciding to be celibate for the rest of life. The answer is buried in posts somewhere (which reminds me that I should find a way to organize them), but I think it's worth mentioning. The question comes from a number of sources, specifically that the Church no longer encourages marriage as a form of therapy. Some people have mistakenly misconstrued that statement and claim that the Church "discourages" marriage. In reality, the Church supports those who fall in love with and decide to get married to a spouse of the opposite gender, even with same-gender attraction. It also supports those who feel it's right to live a life of celibacy.

My non-date went well tonight. I've tried to experiment with being more physical in this relationship; I usually feel incredibly uncomfortable even touching girls and I never hold hands... so I tried being more physical while we dated. At least, more than I had been before - holding hands, escorting with my arm, sitting or standing with my arm around her, brushing up against her whenever it was possible. Yeah. It didn't do much for me. But we enjoy each other's company... which is better than sitting at home.

I've been promised that I'll find and marry a wife in this life, and I believe that's true. Hence why I continue to search. I don't intend to marry someone I'm not attracted to, so it will take a miracle or something similar when the time comes, but I believe it will happen, for me.

"True love can be whispered from heart to heart when lovers are parted," they say... But I must depend on a wish and a star (and faith and prayers and good works) as long as my heart doesn't know who you are... 

Goodnight, my someone... Goodnight.

We Should Be Lovers

I was listening to Pandora the other day when the song changed to "Elephant Love Medley" from Moulin Rouge. I've never seen the show, (and I'm not sure if I will, given comments made by a friend about it) but I fell in love with the song. The character who is singing (I think played by Ewan McGregor) is definitely about as crazy as I am, just as hopelessly romantic, and just as willing and anxious to find someone to love. I don't know the context of the song, so I can't comment on the actual nature of their relationship, but it struck a chord in me, as all love duets do.

I don't have many things that are on my list of qualities to look for in a future wife. I've never been attracted to girls with blond, brown, red, black, purple, or no hair. I used to have a long list of all the things I wanted to find; now I just want to find someone to love completely, and we can grow together. But there is one definite thing that I want - a love of singing love duets. Yeah. My favorite memories of talent shows and karaoke parties were convincing girls to sing love songs with me. When I'm singing, I can put myself into the words, and it's the closest I've ever been to really being in love. I'm not sure how the audience feels... since my voice probably butchers their favorite songs and leaves irreparable scars on their musical souls... but I like the feeling. I've given girls the wrong idea a few times, though... when they didn't realize that my real emotions were different after the performance... but I still think it's worth it.

The other theme in the song - beyond a love for "silly love songs" - is an interesting commentary on searching for love. "Though nothing will keep us together, we can steal time just for one day..." Both people realize that it may not work out between them, but they realize the beauty of being in love - and of caring for another person - regardless of the ending result. In that phrase is the reason why I sing love songs with girls I don't know and date when I know it won't work out - why I ask girls out when I'm pretty sure we have almost nothing in common - because showing love to others, and spending time with them, is worthwhile even if it's not with my eternal companion. "Love is a many-splendored thing. Love lifts us up where we belong. All you need is love." If I knew who my eventual eternal companion was, or if I always had girls that I thought were, somehow, potential candidates, then dating would be more straightforward. But it isn't, and so I approach each relationship with an open heart, open mind, and the words swirling in my head, "We should be lovers..." even if only just for one day.

There's nothing wrong with loving people. Now, the love I'm talking about is somewhat different from the love of the world - I firmly stand by the belief that sexual relations are reserved for expression between husband and wife. But showing love in every other way is an incredible thing... and one of my passions in life. The friendships I've made from showing love have changed me, and often my core motivation in the things I do is simply finding ways to show people that I love them. I'm not always very good at it (more likely that it matches my singing voice in creating emotional scars :) ), but I'm slowly learning. And hopefully, by the time I actually meet the girl I'll fall in love with someday, I'll better know how to show love. In the meantime, it will continue to play in the back of my mind, throughout each day... "We should be lovers..." In my mind, it's just an intense way of saying "We should be friends..."

The Man I Want to Be: the 12th Day of Christmas

Today I was watching people... And today I noticed numerous examples of people who put their own desires above others, and vice versa. I saw how sometimes being humble and selfless meant that they made sacrifices - sometimes big and sometimes small... but they did it out of love. I want to be known for helping people to feel like I care about and value what they think - not just what I feel. I want to be a friend to anyone who asks... even if that is hard. 

The 12 days of Christmas were originally each symbols of icons in Christian Christmas traditions - from 5 - the gold that the wise men brought to 1 - Christ hanging on the cross. This is the first year I've thought about them... and looking back at the last twelve days, I realized that my experiences have helped me see the type of man I want to be... and what I want to avoid. Here are the things I took from each day in the last two weeks... and the traits and characteristics I want to have in my own life.

1st day of Christmas: integrity, loyal, kind... and willing to listen
2: Making a difference, loving, being a dreamer
3: helping people feel involved, loved, a part of the group
4: prayerful, spiritual
5: optimistic
6: patient & courageous
7: peaceful
8: intense
9: committed
10: honest
11: faithful
12: selfless

Someday, hopefully, I'll be all those things. In the meantime, they'll work as new year resolutions, or temporary long-term goals. And they are helping me to find good friends - men who are striving to live according to the same law.

May the Spirit of Christ, as part of Christmas, be with you today and always.