It's been a week since the 9th District Court ruled that California's amendment to the constitution was unconstitutional. The outlash of emotion bottled since the last foray has erupted, with charged and pent-up anger, frustration, and misunderstanding coloring both sides. Name-calling, deliberate misinterpretation, mudslinging and personal fouls have become the norm of those trying to get their point across... and it's not just in private communique; the public sphere of forums and debates has been laid with traps and mines by zealots on either side, ready to catch anyone so foolhardy as to say an errant word. Both sides are entrenched, ready and waiting for their part in the battle that has already begun to ensue.
But no one can see the fatal mistake. The real enemy has already administered poison by degrees, and it's only a matter of time before both sides succumb.
For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places. - Ephesians 6:12
In the wake of the decision by the court, the Church gave a short news report. It reiterated the Church's position and then, at the end, gave counsel to those involved:
"We recognize that this decision represents a continuation of what has been a vigorous public debate over the rights of the people to define and protect the fundamental institution of marriage. There is no doubt that today’s ruling will intensify the debate in this country. We urge people on all sides of this issue to act in a spirit of mutual respect and civility toward those with a different opinion."
I'm not an expert in communication with respect and civility, but I've tried to become better at communicating with others. In that tone, here are some of the things I do to share my testimony, on this subject, with the world.
1. Don't use metaphors. In the Church we use metaphors and symbols regularly. It helps to compare our thoughts and ideas. Metaphors are always imperfect though, and in heated situations can be taken too literally, and are easily taken for a change in subject. I don't compare same-sex marriage to anything else, or bring up any other topic during the conversation, even if I feel that same-sex marriage is like (insert event here).
2. Use "I" and speak about my own personal experiences and testimony. I do not have authority to make statements of doctrine. But a sincere, honest testimony about the gospel and its blessings always opens doors and hearts far more than pontificating on doctrine and the reasons behind it.
3. Don't bash or retaliate. If the discussion begins to degenerate into slurs or tangential arguments, stay focused on the ideals at hand and focused on my own experience. Don't call names, make remarks about judgment or remarks of others, use sarcasm, or tongue-in-cheek statements... and let them roll off if they are directed at me. People will never listen to epithets, and burning bridges that will always need to be crossed again is the absolute worst way to come unto Christ. Honesty, sincerity, humility, and kindness will always do far more for the cause than getting in the last word.
4. Think twice, write once, edit thrice, and think again. What I write online lasts forever. Literally - forever. Saying the wrong thing, or posting something with an unintended double entendre, will have lasting negative effects. It may be tempting to dive into the fray at ground zero, but often it is far more compelling to think, watch, and contribute only when I know what I have to say is worthwhile. And once I've written it, I stop and think again - not only about what I've written, but about the ways it could be interpreted and the impact it might have on the discussion as a whole.
5. Focus improvement inward - not outward. Sometimes I feel pressured into the trap of thinking that I am the source of truth that needs to be instilled in others. I'm drawn to take my light and shine it as brightly as possible on others, hoping that some of it will enter and change their nature. That's the trap outlined in the opening scene of this post - each side has weapons of knowledge and truth, hoping to use them to advance on the field. That may seem effective in advancing a specific cause, but that's not how it works in helping people change and learn truth. Light and truth doesn't come from individuals. It comes from God, and individually, through the ministration of the Holy Ghost. What that means is that if I want someone to learn truth, I need to create an environment where he can hear the Holy Ghost. In the end, this is what guides what I say and write most.
There is a war raging, and I find myself standing at the front. But my opponents are not protestors or activists, politicians or judges. My opponents are greed, hatred, frustration, impatience, dishonor, misunderstanding, and spite. And hopefully, against those opponents, I can triumph... and in doing so in my own life, make the world a better place.
Showing posts with label Service. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Service. Show all posts
Tuesday, February 14
Monday, February 13
He's My Neighbor
It's been a little while since it first happened. I got home from my day's activities, opened up my web browser, and logged in to my Gmail account for Mormon Guy. I glanced through the emails, scanning topics and senders, and then stopped and stared. It was there in the From: box - a person I knew, and not just in passing. A person I knew really well. Some names in the world are common. But the LDS world is small. Really small. And the picture that came up when the pointer paused above the name confirmed the thought. Definitely someone I knew.
I wondered what I would do if someone I knew asked me for help. It's easy to help strangers, when anonymity is equally dispersed, but what about people I know? All of my contacts related to (G)MG have come from the blog and moved into real life - not the other way around. I'm not sure how I would feel about suddenly switching roles with someone in my life. That thought was cut short when I realized it was just a comment to post. Not an issue. Relief... because I don't have to make the decision - a decision that would complicate another relationship and potentially end with my breaking anonymity with another person.
Since then it's happened multiple times, with all sorts of interesting connections... sometimes asking for help, usually simply just sending a letter or posting a comment. She doesn't realize that I was once in her ward. He doesn't know that I met him at a party years ago. He's my neighbor. She doesn't know that we went on a date once. No one realizes how closely we are all tied together.
And I guess I don't realize it, either. In just as many cases, I've probably met men and women somewhere in life, and never guessed that someday our paths would cross again.
I wonder what trials the people around me face... and, more importantly, what I can do to help them. If making sure to smile, or ask about their lives, or spend an extra minute talking while under a deadline would make a difference. I know that if people simply cared about me, and involved me in the real aspects of their lives, my problems would seem far less insuperable. And I'm sure it's the same for others... people sitting next to me right now, talking down the hallway, standing in front of me in the checkout line.
I wondered what I would do if someone I knew asked me for help. It's easy to help strangers, when anonymity is equally dispersed, but what about people I know? All of my contacts related to (G)MG have come from the blog and moved into real life - not the other way around. I'm not sure how I would feel about suddenly switching roles with someone in my life. That thought was cut short when I realized it was just a comment to post. Not an issue. Relief... because I don't have to make the decision - a decision that would complicate another relationship and potentially end with my breaking anonymity with another person.
Since then it's happened multiple times, with all sorts of interesting connections... sometimes asking for help, usually simply just sending a letter or posting a comment. She doesn't realize that I was once in her ward. He doesn't know that I met him at a party years ago. He's my neighbor. She doesn't know that we went on a date once. No one realizes how closely we are all tied together.
And I guess I don't realize it, either. In just as many cases, I've probably met men and women somewhere in life, and never guessed that someday our paths would cross again.
I wonder what trials the people around me face... and, more importantly, what I can do to help them. If making sure to smile, or ask about their lives, or spend an extra minute talking while under a deadline would make a difference. I know that if people simply cared about me, and involved me in the real aspects of their lives, my problems would seem far less insuperable. And I'm sure it's the same for others... people sitting next to me right now, talking down the hallway, standing in front of me in the checkout line.
Saturday, October 1
We Are All Enlisted
It's time to lift up your voice in defense of truth and virtue. We are all enlisted... and no matter who you are, today you are called to rise up and share the gospel as it applies to you... to open your mouth and be heard... to speak in the language of your life... and to change the world.
When I first began writing here at (Gay) Mormon Guy, a priesthood leader counseled me to not be a leader - not to form an army or take leadership of people in a place or role where I had no formal authority. But as time has gone on, I've realized that my story isn't enough. At first I thought it was a problem with publicity - maybe if people simply knew about (Gay) Mormon Guy, and read my story, it would help them in some way. In some cases, it does. But in other cases, I can't communicate with people who need help. There is still a huge need for increased exposure to this topic in the world. But even if I were able to write perfectly, and if every LDS guy and girl with SSA read my blog, and everyone else in the world as well, it wouldn't be enough.
The Church, and the world, needs more soldiers of faith - men and women who are willing to do their part to share their stories with the world. It doesn't mean you have to blog about the most personal parts of your life... but if you're a blogger, and you can speak from experience, then maybe you should. It doesn't mean that you need to talk with everyone. But if you're a social butterfly, and you can see people's needs, then you should. You have within you a calling - a place in the Plan of Heavenly Father that will enable you to bless and change and inspire the lives of His children - whether one at a time or en masse. And today you have been called to serve in that capacity by living prophets.
Come, join the ranks of men and women who aren't afraid to share the gospel in everything they do. Who wear their religion on their sleeves and let it shine in their eyes, because it lifts and lights the world. Come, join the ranks of men and women who have personally experienced the power of the Atonement and would do anything to help a brother or sister in need... and as you serve, you will find the true joy of the gospel - not just living a righteous life and having your unmet needs filled by the mercy and grace of God - but the joy that comes from enabling, lifting, teaching, inspiring, helping others to achieve lasting happiness in their lives. God's joy is shared with us when we engage in His work - the work of changing lives, healing hearts, and saving souls.
We are all enlisted. Make the commitment to join, today, and do what you can to serve... because both you and I have a place in the Plan that only we can fulfill.
When I first began writing here at (Gay) Mormon Guy, a priesthood leader counseled me to not be a leader - not to form an army or take leadership of people in a place or role where I had no formal authority. But as time has gone on, I've realized that my story isn't enough. At first I thought it was a problem with publicity - maybe if people simply knew about (Gay) Mormon Guy, and read my story, it would help them in some way. In some cases, it does. But in other cases, I can't communicate with people who need help. There is still a huge need for increased exposure to this topic in the world. But even if I were able to write perfectly, and if every LDS guy and girl with SSA read my blog, and everyone else in the world as well, it wouldn't be enough.
The Church, and the world, needs more soldiers of faith - men and women who are willing to do their part to share their stories with the world. It doesn't mean you have to blog about the most personal parts of your life... but if you're a blogger, and you can speak from experience, then maybe you should. It doesn't mean that you need to talk with everyone. But if you're a social butterfly, and you can see people's needs, then you should. You have within you a calling - a place in the Plan of Heavenly Father that will enable you to bless and change and inspire the lives of His children - whether one at a time or en masse. And today you have been called to serve in that capacity by living prophets.
Come, join the ranks of men and women who aren't afraid to share the gospel in everything they do. Who wear their religion on their sleeves and let it shine in their eyes, because it lifts and lights the world. Come, join the ranks of men and women who have personally experienced the power of the Atonement and would do anything to help a brother or sister in need... and as you serve, you will find the true joy of the gospel - not just living a righteous life and having your unmet needs filled by the mercy and grace of God - but the joy that comes from enabling, lifting, teaching, inspiring, helping others to achieve lasting happiness in their lives. God's joy is shared with us when we engage in His work - the work of changing lives, healing hearts, and saving souls.
We are all enlisted. Make the commitment to join, today, and do what you can to serve... because both you and I have a place in the Plan that only we can fulfill.
Monday, September 19
Being Rescued
Every time I hear the story of the Martin and Willie handcart companies, I see in my mind's eye the people shivering in the cold, wanting to survive, having given everything they have, hoping against all odds that they can finally arrive in Zion. They've watched their brothers and sisters and friends die along the trail, and they've finally reached the point where they have no more strength, no more hope, nothing left to give.
And I'm there with them.
I've been there, in the place between spiritual life and death, watching as people fall around me, and wondering if I'll have the strength to live another day, or if I'll just give up. I've been the person who prayed for God's strength and felt it pushing me on one more day... not transporting me to Zion, but helping me move to the next day or even the next hour. And I, somehow, was rescued by the hand of God from the storm. But once you've felt the suffering, you can never forget it. It's different from anything else in the world, in a way... And I don't think that anyone who hasn't been called to pass through this way of life could ever understand the feelings and lessons learned from it.
Today, there isn't a physical storm raging in life. There is no snow or blizzard or darkening clouds. But, among my friends and neighbors, there are hundreds, thousands of men and women who are holding on to life in the gospel. Men and women who have given everything they have, who wonder if help will ever come, who turn to God and simply cry for relief of their pain and the strength to live one more day. And, as a saint, I have a responsibility to look, to search, and to never stop looking until I find them and bring them safely home. President Brigham Young told the Saints when he heard about the handcart companies struggling 300 miles away that their salvation rested upon their application of the Gospel in the realities of life - whether or not they were willing to give their lives in the service of their brethren, immediately... and I believe the same applies today. My brothers and sisters are searching, hoping to find hope and peace and faith, and the proof of my faith will come as I show my love for them... and my willingness to sacrifice on their behalf. I was rescued once, twice, countless times by the hand of God... now it's my turn to be His hand and help others along the way.
And I'm there with them.
I've been there, in the place between spiritual life and death, watching as people fall around me, and wondering if I'll have the strength to live another day, or if I'll just give up. I've been the person who prayed for God's strength and felt it pushing me on one more day... not transporting me to Zion, but helping me move to the next day or even the next hour. And I, somehow, was rescued by the hand of God from the storm. But once you've felt the suffering, you can never forget it. It's different from anything else in the world, in a way... And I don't think that anyone who hasn't been called to pass through this way of life could ever understand the feelings and lessons learned from it.
Today, there isn't a physical storm raging in life. There is no snow or blizzard or darkening clouds. But, among my friends and neighbors, there are hundreds, thousands of men and women who are holding on to life in the gospel. Men and women who have given everything they have, who wonder if help will ever come, who turn to God and simply cry for relief of their pain and the strength to live one more day. And, as a saint, I have a responsibility to look, to search, and to never stop looking until I find them and bring them safely home. President Brigham Young told the Saints when he heard about the handcart companies struggling 300 miles away that their salvation rested upon their application of the Gospel in the realities of life - whether or not they were willing to give their lives in the service of their brethren, immediately... and I believe the same applies today. My brothers and sisters are searching, hoping to find hope and peace and faith, and the proof of my faith will come as I show my love for them... and my willingness to sacrifice on their behalf. I was rescued once, twice, countless times by the hand of God... now it's my turn to be His hand and help others along the way.
Wednesday, August 17
Pictures.
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| http://www.helamangallery.com |
I got an email the other day, letting me know about a site called the Helaman Gallery. The creator focuses on photography of LDS temples and makes the electronic proofs available for free on his website - http://helamangallery.com/
Pictures are amazing, and uber-commonplace. Most blogs written in the gay world, and most blogs in the Mormon world, and most blogs in the gay Mormon world where they overlap, use pictures. But I don't feel like I can use the same types of pictures. Mormon blogs post pictures of their kids and their craft stuff (usually done by women). Gay blogs... um... they often post blatant pornography. And many gay Mormon blogs post pictures that are on the edge - way too provocative to be benign. Then there's the issue of copyright and giving credit and everything else.
Inspirational Fire
I had a conversation with a friend this week. Someone else had mentioned that he needed help... and didn't want to be part of the Church anymore... and that's my cue to drop everything. I called him as soon as I could, then called his roommates when he didn't wake up, and then we just spent the rest of the day talking.
It's always an amazing experience for me to see where someone lacks in faith, and to be able to be there when the light goes back on in his eyes. To hear his story, to help him feel understood, and to open his eyes to the hope and peace that comes from the gospel. My friend was struggling in his testimony and told me, honestly, that he didn't want to come to church because he felt judged for his beliefs... and because he still had a long way to go in repentance before he could actually participate in all the aspects of the church, like going to the temple and taking the sacrament again. He didn't feel remorse for his sins, didn't feel like he should repent when he had learned from the bad mistakes he had made, and, at the core, didn't believe the gospel was true for everyone.
This friend doesn't know me very well. We've only had a smattering of conversations, ever. He doesn't know that I live with same-sex attraction, or any of the other difficulties that life has brought me. He expressed, ironically, the thought that the gospel couldn't be true for those with same-sex attraction... and so it really couldn't be true for anyone... because even though they might receive glory in the next life, a "lonely life of misery" wasn't worth an eternal reward. I agree - unlike him and his friends, though, I've found that happiness and peace in life doesn't come from following natural urges, but by becoming a different person - by working and growing and making a difference... and by doing what is right. It is more than possible to have an amazing, fulfilled life in the gospel and never be married or have a family (as long as that's out of my control). My friend doesn't have same-sex attraction - just a couple friends who have left the Church, or never were a part. So all I could do was share the testimony that I have, without giving context to all my beliefs and knowledge, and pray that somehow it would be enough... that somehow it would help him relight the fire of faith that he had before.
I dropped him off after our conversation and wondered what the impact had been. He hadn't made any commitments in the end, even though I extended a few. He hadn't gone through a visible change, and it seemed like our hours-long conversation was just sitting there on the surface - it hadn't sunk in. Until a few days ago. The same friend who had originally mentioned that his friend was struggling and needed help sent me an email, thanking me for the conversation I had had. In the days since, it sank in, and helped our friend work through his struggles, and regain at least part of his faith... relight part of the flame. The gospel really is true... and it has the power to bring peace and happiness in this life to everyone, regardless of their trials. That's the spark of truth that resonated with him, and the one that always brings a smile to my face. And any good boy scout knows that a spark - lighting part of the fire is usually enough to set it all aflame.
It's always an amazing experience for me to see where someone lacks in faith, and to be able to be there when the light goes back on in his eyes. To hear his story, to help him feel understood, and to open his eyes to the hope and peace that comes from the gospel. My friend was struggling in his testimony and told me, honestly, that he didn't want to come to church because he felt judged for his beliefs... and because he still had a long way to go in repentance before he could actually participate in all the aspects of the church, like going to the temple and taking the sacrament again. He didn't feel remorse for his sins, didn't feel like he should repent when he had learned from the bad mistakes he had made, and, at the core, didn't believe the gospel was true for everyone.
This friend doesn't know me very well. We've only had a smattering of conversations, ever. He doesn't know that I live with same-sex attraction, or any of the other difficulties that life has brought me. He expressed, ironically, the thought that the gospel couldn't be true for those with same-sex attraction... and so it really couldn't be true for anyone... because even though they might receive glory in the next life, a "lonely life of misery" wasn't worth an eternal reward. I agree - unlike him and his friends, though, I've found that happiness and peace in life doesn't come from following natural urges, but by becoming a different person - by working and growing and making a difference... and by doing what is right. It is more than possible to have an amazing, fulfilled life in the gospel and never be married or have a family (as long as that's out of my control). My friend doesn't have same-sex attraction - just a couple friends who have left the Church, or never were a part. So all I could do was share the testimony that I have, without giving context to all my beliefs and knowledge, and pray that somehow it would be enough... that somehow it would help him relight the fire of faith that he had before.
I dropped him off after our conversation and wondered what the impact had been. He hadn't made any commitments in the end, even though I extended a few. He hadn't gone through a visible change, and it seemed like our hours-long conversation was just sitting there on the surface - it hadn't sunk in. Until a few days ago. The same friend who had originally mentioned that his friend was struggling and needed help sent me an email, thanking me for the conversation I had had. In the days since, it sank in, and helped our friend work through his struggles, and regain at least part of his faith... relight part of the flame. The gospel really is true... and it has the power to bring peace and happiness in this life to everyone, regardless of their trials. That's the spark of truth that resonated with him, and the one that always brings a smile to my face. And any good boy scout knows that a spark - lighting part of the fire is usually enough to set it all aflame.
Thursday, July 7
Washing Seven Times in the River Jordan
When I struggled most with addictions to pornography, felt worse as a gay mormon than the sludge of the earth, and couldn't even bring myself to pray, inside my heart I still had the wish for a miracle. The wish to be clean... to be made whole... to be normal.
In the scriptures I feel a kinship to many of the people who undergo suffering in life... but perhaps no one more than the lepers - men and women physically cast out of their homes and families because of leprosy. Leprosy in the times of the Jews was viewed almost exactly as homosexuality was by me on my hardest days... and it had almost the exact same effects. An incurable curse of uncleanliness... an unspoken and unspeakable condition that divided me from humanity and feeling loved or understood by mankind. Except that, unlike the lepers, who could be seen and upon whom others could take compassion... no one could ever see my sores... there was no one to share my pain.
In 2 Kings, chapter 5, the scriptures tell the story of a man named Naaman. He was a good man... but he had leprosy... and he was miraculously healed through non-miraculous means.
1 Now Naaman, captain of the host of the king of Syria, was a great man with his master, and honourable, because by him the Lord had given deliverance unto Syria: he was also a mighty man in valour, but he was a leper.
2 And the Syrians had gone out by companies, and had brought away captive out of the land of Israel a little maid; and she waited on Naaman's wife.
3 And she said unto her mistress, Would God my lord were with the prophet that is in Samaria! for he would recover him of his leprosy.
...
9 So Naaman came with his horses and with his chariot, and stood at the door of the house of Elisha.
10 And Elisha sent a messenger unto him, saying, Go and wash in Jordan seven times, and thy flesh shall come again to thee, and thou shalt be clean.
11 But Naaman was wroth, and went away, and said, Behold, I thought, He will surely come out to me, and stand, and call on the name of the Lord his God, and strike his hand over the place, and recover the leper.
12 Are not Abana and Pharpar, rivers of Damascus, better than all the waters of Israel? may I not wash in them, and be clean? So he turned and went away in a rage.
13 And his servants came near, and spake unto him, and said, My father, if the prophet had bid thee do some great thing, wouldest thou not have done it? how much rather then, when he saith to thee, Wash, and be clean?
14 Then went he down, and dipped himself seven times in Jordan, according to the saying of the man of God: and his flesh came again like unto the flesh of a little child, and he was clean.
Someone asked me this week what my solution was. What had I done that had tamed the dragon of homosexual desires and freed me from the draw of pornography and the grasp of addiction? I've tried hundreds of ideas - reading books, writing journal entries, buying good music, getting priesthood blessings, dating, trying to make friends with guys and fix old relationships, and making convoluted deals with myself to reward good behavior and punish bad. But none of them worked. They all seemed to give me some strength, and they all seemed initially to be the answer to my desires... but in the end none of them stuck. I found myself in the same hole as before. And, in reality, the answer was right in front of me all along.
For most of my life, I had the same misunderstanding that Naaman did. Like leprosy was to him, homosexuality seemed to me an unbearable and unusual trial - something that merited an unusual miracle to set me free. I wanted a priesthood blessing that would make me fall in love with a girl, or a set of unique therapeutic techniques that would leave me never wanting to see pornography again. That didn't happen - the same way Elisha didn't come out and strike the spots to make him clean.
I saw very little success until I tried one last thing - focusing on the basic principles, the Primary answers, of the gospel. And not just focusing on them, but making them into the fabric of my life.
In Preach My Gospel it says that a study of doctrine will change behavior better than a study of behavior will change behavior. In my mind, I visualize my spirituality and ability to keep the commandments as a long line compared to the topics of the gospel. I was on solid ground around my testimony of the Book of Mormon, my belief in the prophet, my commitment to the temple. But where pornography and all its attendant demons lay, there was a massive chasm that stretched down into the abyss itself.
For a long time, I tried to fill the abyss by throwing rocks in it. I'd pick up a technique like turning off the Internet in my apartment, and toss it in, hoping that it would suddenly cause the chasm to rise. Um... it doesn't take a geologist to tell me that's not going to happen.
But any kid on the beach can tell you there are two ways to fill, or dig, a hole.
When you dig a hole in the sand, you dig straight down. But eventually, because the sand relies on other sand laterally to support it, and the undersides are slowly eroded by water exposed by the hole, the sides of the hole collapse in an ever-expanding ring. The same thing happens with many problems in the gospel. Let them grow deeper and deeper, and eventually the problem that was once small will erode away everything. I've known men who bore powerful testimonies as they began to struggle with same-gender attraction... or who were just facing offense in the Church... but who gave in to it and years later told me they didn't even believe in God.
Filling a hole, or building a mountain, works the same way. You can try to build upward, but the higher the sand pile, the larger the area it covers. And because in the gospel it becomes easier to grow the more righteous you are, filling a hole is easier... and makes more sense... by focusing on simply increasing faith that is already there nearby. When I learn and apply principles of the gospel, my faith "spills over" into other areas - because the gospel is related.
Obviously, there were things I had to still focus on. Throwing caution to the wind because I do my scripture study is foolhardy. But it wasn't until I started truly focusing on the "little" things - prayer, scripture study, church activity, serving others, and sharing the gospel - that my demons and my hole of faith began to shrink. But that is how it worked for me. And as my faith has grown, it has set me free.
I'll include a major caveat. I'm not talking about scripture study where I sit down and read for ten minutes before sleeping, or prayers said quickly before bed. Those never had the power to change me. No. I needed much, much more, over a much longer period of time. One of the scriptural meanings of the number seven is "a whole lot." Naaman had to wash a whole lot of times in the river Jordan; I had to do a whole lot to begin to see results from filling my hole of faith. And the results I saw weren't complete and total change, but an increased perspective and faith in the Lord that He would fulfill His promises. Either way, it was worth it. My scripture study was daily, and combined with more time on Sunday translated into literally hours of personal reflection and writing each week - trying to see personal stories and meaning in the scriptures even when it was hard to stay focused. My prayers lasted sometimes for hours - written and spoken and voiced conversations with God on every topic under the sun, learning about Him and His will in my life. It meant that I took personal responsibility for as much as I could in Church, and actively reached out and included others even when I felt left out. I opened my mouth and shared the gospel even when I felt awkward and out of place.
I think the biggest initial shock and investment was the amount of time that it took to actually live the gospel and do the small things enough to make it work. It took me at least 15 hours each week to do just the basics - earnest prayer, meaningful scripture study, reflection, and journaling - not even counting spontaneous service and missionary opportunities. I found I had to plan out my day and week or I would end up turning down social invitations because I needed to take the time to pray or write or study. But I wanted to change who I was - enough that I was willing to wash in the Jordan as many times as necessary... and over years, slowly, it has changed my life.
Unlike Naaman, however, I'm still washing in the Jordan today... and I'll probably have to wash in it every day for the rest of my life. I still have to worry about the pull of pornography jumping from the shadows, and attraction taking center stage in my mind. I may be attracted to some men for the rest of mortality. But every time I read the scriptures, pray, or turn to the Lord in faith, He strengthens me... and I am that much closer to being the man He sees in me. I'll get there someday. But I'm pretty certain it will take a whole lot more than washing in a river seven times.
In the scriptures I feel a kinship to many of the people who undergo suffering in life... but perhaps no one more than the lepers - men and women physically cast out of their homes and families because of leprosy. Leprosy in the times of the Jews was viewed almost exactly as homosexuality was by me on my hardest days... and it had almost the exact same effects. An incurable curse of uncleanliness... an unspoken and unspeakable condition that divided me from humanity and feeling loved or understood by mankind. Except that, unlike the lepers, who could be seen and upon whom others could take compassion... no one could ever see my sores... there was no one to share my pain.
In 2 Kings, chapter 5, the scriptures tell the story of a man named Naaman. He was a good man... but he had leprosy... and he was miraculously healed through non-miraculous means.
1 Now Naaman, captain of the host of the king of Syria, was a great man with his master, and honourable, because by him the Lord had given deliverance unto Syria: he was also a mighty man in valour, but he was a leper.
2 And the Syrians had gone out by companies, and had brought away captive out of the land of Israel a little maid; and she waited on Naaman's wife.
3 And she said unto her mistress, Would God my lord were with the prophet that is in Samaria! for he would recover him of his leprosy.
...
9 So Naaman came with his horses and with his chariot, and stood at the door of the house of Elisha.
10 And Elisha sent a messenger unto him, saying, Go and wash in Jordan seven times, and thy flesh shall come again to thee, and thou shalt be clean.
11 But Naaman was wroth, and went away, and said, Behold, I thought, He will surely come out to me, and stand, and call on the name of the Lord his God, and strike his hand over the place, and recover the leper.
12 Are not Abana and Pharpar, rivers of Damascus, better than all the waters of Israel? may I not wash in them, and be clean? So he turned and went away in a rage.
13 And his servants came near, and spake unto him, and said, My father, if the prophet had bid thee do some great thing, wouldest thou not have done it? how much rather then, when he saith to thee, Wash, and be clean?
14 Then went he down, and dipped himself seven times in Jordan, according to the saying of the man of God: and his flesh came again like unto the flesh of a little child, and he was clean.
Someone asked me this week what my solution was. What had I done that had tamed the dragon of homosexual desires and freed me from the draw of pornography and the grasp of addiction? I've tried hundreds of ideas - reading books, writing journal entries, buying good music, getting priesthood blessings, dating, trying to make friends with guys and fix old relationships, and making convoluted deals with myself to reward good behavior and punish bad. But none of them worked. They all seemed to give me some strength, and they all seemed initially to be the answer to my desires... but in the end none of them stuck. I found myself in the same hole as before. And, in reality, the answer was right in front of me all along.
For most of my life, I had the same misunderstanding that Naaman did. Like leprosy was to him, homosexuality seemed to me an unbearable and unusual trial - something that merited an unusual miracle to set me free. I wanted a priesthood blessing that would make me fall in love with a girl, or a set of unique therapeutic techniques that would leave me never wanting to see pornography again. That didn't happen - the same way Elisha didn't come out and strike the spots to make him clean.
I saw very little success until I tried one last thing - focusing on the basic principles, the Primary answers, of the gospel. And not just focusing on them, but making them into the fabric of my life.
In Preach My Gospel it says that a study of doctrine will change behavior better than a study of behavior will change behavior. In my mind, I visualize my spirituality and ability to keep the commandments as a long line compared to the topics of the gospel. I was on solid ground around my testimony of the Book of Mormon, my belief in the prophet, my commitment to the temple. But where pornography and all its attendant demons lay, there was a massive chasm that stretched down into the abyss itself.
For a long time, I tried to fill the abyss by throwing rocks in it. I'd pick up a technique like turning off the Internet in my apartment, and toss it in, hoping that it would suddenly cause the chasm to rise. Um... it doesn't take a geologist to tell me that's not going to happen.
But any kid on the beach can tell you there are two ways to fill, or dig, a hole.
When you dig a hole in the sand, you dig straight down. But eventually, because the sand relies on other sand laterally to support it, and the undersides are slowly eroded by water exposed by the hole, the sides of the hole collapse in an ever-expanding ring. The same thing happens with many problems in the gospel. Let them grow deeper and deeper, and eventually the problem that was once small will erode away everything. I've known men who bore powerful testimonies as they began to struggle with same-gender attraction... or who were just facing offense in the Church... but who gave in to it and years later told me they didn't even believe in God.
Filling a hole, or building a mountain, works the same way. You can try to build upward, but the higher the sand pile, the larger the area it covers. And because in the gospel it becomes easier to grow the more righteous you are, filling a hole is easier... and makes more sense... by focusing on simply increasing faith that is already there nearby. When I learn and apply principles of the gospel, my faith "spills over" into other areas - because the gospel is related.
Obviously, there were things I had to still focus on. Throwing caution to the wind because I do my scripture study is foolhardy. But it wasn't until I started truly focusing on the "little" things - prayer, scripture study, church activity, serving others, and sharing the gospel - that my demons and my hole of faith began to shrink. But that is how it worked for me. And as my faith has grown, it has set me free.
I'll include a major caveat. I'm not talking about scripture study where I sit down and read for ten minutes before sleeping, or prayers said quickly before bed. Those never had the power to change me. No. I needed much, much more, over a much longer period of time. One of the scriptural meanings of the number seven is "a whole lot." Naaman had to wash a whole lot of times in the river Jordan; I had to do a whole lot to begin to see results from filling my hole of faith. And the results I saw weren't complete and total change, but an increased perspective and faith in the Lord that He would fulfill His promises. Either way, it was worth it. My scripture study was daily, and combined with more time on Sunday translated into literally hours of personal reflection and writing each week - trying to see personal stories and meaning in the scriptures even when it was hard to stay focused. My prayers lasted sometimes for hours - written and spoken and voiced conversations with God on every topic under the sun, learning about Him and His will in my life. It meant that I took personal responsibility for as much as I could in Church, and actively reached out and included others even when I felt left out. I opened my mouth and shared the gospel even when I felt awkward and out of place.
I think the biggest initial shock and investment was the amount of time that it took to actually live the gospel and do the small things enough to make it work. It took me at least 15 hours each week to do just the basics - earnest prayer, meaningful scripture study, reflection, and journaling - not even counting spontaneous service and missionary opportunities. I found I had to plan out my day and week or I would end up turning down social invitations because I needed to take the time to pray or write or study. But I wanted to change who I was - enough that I was willing to wash in the Jordan as many times as necessary... and over years, slowly, it has changed my life.
Unlike Naaman, however, I'm still washing in the Jordan today... and I'll probably have to wash in it every day for the rest of my life. I still have to worry about the pull of pornography jumping from the shadows, and attraction taking center stage in my mind. I may be attracted to some men for the rest of mortality. But every time I read the scriptures, pray, or turn to the Lord in faith, He strengthens me... and I am that much closer to being the man He sees in me. I'll get there someday. But I'm pretty certain it will take a whole lot more than washing in a river seven times.
Saturday, April 16
Dear BJ - Question & Response
I got this comment recently (some info had been edited out for privacy). I get similar questions each day, and thought this might help those readers who wonder how to help family members or friends who are trying to live the gospel in the face of trials:
I have read your blog several times and I think I have a brother who is in your shoes. He is a faithful member of the church, served an honorable mission, but he has no desire to date, has never kissed a girl, and is uncomfortable hanging out with other male family members. He is the only brother in our family. He has made comments that have lead me to believe
that he is battling same-sex tendencies, however, he has not come out and admitted this. I have wondered for years. Now I think I know.
How should I go about handling this situation? I called him last night and told him that I've been thinking about him and wanted him to know that I am in his corner no matter what. And that I want the best for him.
What else could I do? Do we want him to be able to admit this weakness? Is that part of the healing? Is trying to get him attracted to women a lost cause?
Any help would be greatly appreciated.
Thank You.
-BJ
BJ -
Every person in the world is different. Each has a unique background, motivation in life, fears, hopes, dreams... Each man has things that make him want to shine and things that make him want to disappear. Life is hard for everyone - whether you're a single parent of 4 or a gay Mormon. Boys, girls, men, and women each have different needs. Your brother is completely and totally unique in who he is... which means that the key in supporting your brother is understanding what he needs... something that always requires involving God through prayer.
Some want their families to know; they've told their close friends and are just biding the time until the moment is "right." Some will never tell their families, preferring to fight their battles alone than jeopardize faith and relationships with the chaos that inevitably ensues to some extent. I don't know what your brother wants. I'm not planning to tell my family, ever, at this point... but if they found out through here I'd want to know.
But your question was actually about what you can do for your brother... and the answer to that question is profoundly calming and reassuring.
No matter who your brother is, what trial he is going through, and whether or not you know for sure... You should always treat him the same.
This is something different than what most people would interject here, and what you hear on the news - the "Show unconditional love" that actually is meant to be interpreted "Support him in whatever he does and never tell him that anything he does is wrong."
Love is something far more than tolerance or condoning the actions of another. It's more than wanting physical happiness for another. True love is love as God shows love... by example, in word, and in deed... and always leads to righteousness. True love is always encouraging him to make choices that will lead to eternal happiness... and never settling for less than what he deserves in life - from others and from himself. Be his arbiter and cheering section in the good he does, and have the courage to play a critical role in his decisions to give him someone to help sort out his thoughts and make the best choices from all angles.
If I were your brother, I'd want you to talk to me... to tell me that you love me... and to help me see what you see in me - the vision of the person I could be someday in your eyes. And I'd want you to be truthful, not accusing, and to simply share your observations, and communicate how you feel you could help.
On how to help, please, please, please ask God for confirmation before you suggest anything specific. You said he's not dating - you need to figure out what the reason there is before you try to set him up. "Trying to get him attracted to women" is a massive simplification of a host of controversial therapy modalities called "conversion therapy"... and isn't usually something that you can just decide to do as an outsider by setting him up with a cute girls and locking them in a room together. I've had family members try similar techniques and the relationships disappear as soon as I'm out the door. And others who have tried to "reason me into liking girls." Yeah, that doesn't work. If it did, we would have done it decades ago. He's probably spent hours, months, years developing his rationale behind his current course of action... and the first step to helping him find greater happiness is understanding where he is now.
Ultimately, realize that in order to help your brother, you simply need to help him grow in faith. Can I say that again? In order to best help your brother, you need to help him grow in faith... and the most effective things you can do to help him grow in faith may have nothing to do with (Gay) Mormon Guy. It could be involving him in your family through family home evening, calling him on speakerphone to have him take part in family scripture study and family prayer. Scheduling a day when everyone can go to the temple - simultaneously if you're far away. Texting him with the text (not just reference) of favorite scriptures, and your testimony. Giving him a chance to serve your family. Helping him find good friends, choose good entertainment, read good books, and surround himself with good things. Talking with him, in person, and sharing pieces of your own life to build greater trust... and to show the hand of the Lord in your own life. Praying for him, out loud, by name, for his specific needs... and counseling with the Lord as to what to do and what to say.
Hopefully something I've written here resonates with you and your brother. Turn to the Lord for guidance, and He will help you to do the right thing for everyone involved. I know that God is our Father... and that He loves your brother even more than you do. And as you strive to serve and help your brother, you can turn to God and He will help you help His son.
Let me know if there is anything else I can do. Thanks for your question, and may God be with you. You and your brother will be in my prayers.
Mormon Guy
I have read your blog several times and I think I have a brother who is in your shoes. He is a faithful member of the church, served an honorable mission, but he has no desire to date, has never kissed a girl, and is uncomfortable hanging out with other male family members. He is the only brother in our family. He has made comments that have lead me to believe
that he is battling same-sex tendencies, however, he has not come out and admitted this. I have wondered for years. Now I think I know.
How should I go about handling this situation? I called him last night and told him that I've been thinking about him and wanted him to know that I am in his corner no matter what. And that I want the best for him.
What else could I do? Do we want him to be able to admit this weakness? Is that part of the healing? Is trying to get him attracted to women a lost cause?
Any help would be greatly appreciated.
Thank You.
-BJ
BJ -
Every person in the world is different. Each has a unique background, motivation in life, fears, hopes, dreams... Each man has things that make him want to shine and things that make him want to disappear. Life is hard for everyone - whether you're a single parent of 4 or a gay Mormon. Boys, girls, men, and women each have different needs. Your brother is completely and totally unique in who he is... which means that the key in supporting your brother is understanding what he needs... something that always requires involving God through prayer.
Some want their families to know; they've told their close friends and are just biding the time until the moment is "right." Some will never tell their families, preferring to fight their battles alone than jeopardize faith and relationships with the chaos that inevitably ensues to some extent. I don't know what your brother wants. I'm not planning to tell my family, ever, at this point... but if they found out through here I'd want to know.
But your question was actually about what you can do for your brother... and the answer to that question is profoundly calming and reassuring.
No matter who your brother is, what trial he is going through, and whether or not you know for sure... You should always treat him the same.
This is something different than what most people would interject here, and what you hear on the news - the "Show unconditional love" that actually is meant to be interpreted "Support him in whatever he does and never tell him that anything he does is wrong."
Love is something far more than tolerance or condoning the actions of another. It's more than wanting physical happiness for another. True love is love as God shows love... by example, in word, and in deed... and always leads to righteousness. True love is always encouraging him to make choices that will lead to eternal happiness... and never settling for less than what he deserves in life - from others and from himself. Be his arbiter and cheering section in the good he does, and have the courage to play a critical role in his decisions to give him someone to help sort out his thoughts and make the best choices from all angles.
If I were your brother, I'd want you to talk to me... to tell me that you love me... and to help me see what you see in me - the vision of the person I could be someday in your eyes. And I'd want you to be truthful, not accusing, and to simply share your observations, and communicate how you feel you could help.
On how to help, please, please, please ask God for confirmation before you suggest anything specific. You said he's not dating - you need to figure out what the reason there is before you try to set him up. "Trying to get him attracted to women" is a massive simplification of a host of controversial therapy modalities called "conversion therapy"... and isn't usually something that you can just decide to do as an outsider by setting him up with a cute girls and locking them in a room together. I've had family members try similar techniques and the relationships disappear as soon as I'm out the door. And others who have tried to "reason me into liking girls." Yeah, that doesn't work. If it did, we would have done it decades ago. He's probably spent hours, months, years developing his rationale behind his current course of action... and the first step to helping him find greater happiness is understanding where he is now.
Ultimately, realize that in order to help your brother, you simply need to help him grow in faith. Can I say that again? In order to best help your brother, you need to help him grow in faith... and the most effective things you can do to help him grow in faith may have nothing to do with (Gay) Mormon Guy. It could be involving him in your family through family home evening, calling him on speakerphone to have him take part in family scripture study and family prayer. Scheduling a day when everyone can go to the temple - simultaneously if you're far away. Texting him with the text (not just reference) of favorite scriptures, and your testimony. Giving him a chance to serve your family. Helping him find good friends, choose good entertainment, read good books, and surround himself with good things. Talking with him, in person, and sharing pieces of your own life to build greater trust... and to show the hand of the Lord in your own life. Praying for him, out loud, by name, for his specific needs... and counseling with the Lord as to what to do and what to say.
Hopefully something I've written here resonates with you and your brother. Turn to the Lord for guidance, and He will help you to do the right thing for everyone involved. I know that God is our Father... and that He loves your brother even more than you do. And as you strive to serve and help your brother, you can turn to God and He will help you help His son.
Let me know if there is anything else I can do. Thanks for your question, and may God be with you. You and your brother will be in my prayers.
Mormon Guy
Tuesday, April 5
The Friend I Would Have Wanted
One of the feelings I took away from General Conference was the importance of people. The worth of amazing women. Behold your children. Sacrificing projects to serve others. The rescue. And looking at my own life, it's interesting to see how focusing on people has colored my recent decisions - from how I spend my time to how I look at others.
When I was younger, I would have given anything to have a friend who really understood and cared about me. Someone who saw life the way I did and I could just talk to, honestly, and see my own life in his or her reflection. Well, I'd give almost anything. By the time social groups had evolved in my peerage, I saw people around me who seemed to fit in with peer groups, but the common denominators were crude jokes, profanity, drinking, wild parties... and even though everyone thanked me for "not being judgmental" ... it didn't mean that they sought out my company... and I was never on the short list to be invited anywhere for anything.
Paired with the massive lack of self-esteem that came with the adolescent years themselves, not being attracted to girls, and trying to extricate sin from my being, I definitely was going through some rough times. There were dozens of times when I wondered if anyone would care, or even notice, if I just disappeared. Once I missed school for an extended period and when I saw a classmate again she was shocked to see me; she had thought I had moved suddenly.
It didn't help that as I looked at my life I saw inordinate blessings - hence the feeling that being depressed or sad because of seemingly trite situations was another sin of which I needed to repent. I though I had no right to be down, which meant that when I was, I felt incredible guilt mixed with the pain... only pushing me lower.
On the outside I always had the perfect mask... strong, happy, optimistic, loving, kind... but inside I was a wreck.
My prayers didn't bring the relief I wanted. I would pray for peace, and the Lord would tell me He loved me... and my mind would continue to churn. I would pray for hope, and He would tell me He loved me, and I still couldn't see anything worth living for. I would pray for help in living each day, and He would tell me that He loved me... and the next day would seem even harder than the one before.
It seemed like there was no hope - no progress - no way out. But as time went on, the answers became clearer... and I realized they held the answers I had needed all along. When my mind was a blur, I prayed for peace, and I knew God loved me... and if I did my best, everything would be for my good. I prayed for hope, and the Lord helped me see that He knew I could grow... that my trials and my pain would enable me to live and thrive in every type of life no matter what happened. I prayed for help, and He gave me His trust - the divine trust that I could stand at the front of the battle with sin and despair... and not give in... but grow in my struggles to become the man He saw in me.
Today I realize that I've always had a friend by my side. Someone to talk to when times are hard, a shoulder to cry on when I'm alone. Someone to bounce ideas off of, or tell my newest thoughts, or to ask for feedback on a post before I post it here on (Gay) Mormon Guy. A Friend who is never too busy, always available, and will never tell me to go away... One who watches over me in my sleep and protects me from danger, warns me and knows the thoughts and dreams of my heart. God is my best friend. And He's the best friend that I could ever hope for.
It took years for me to develop my friendship - years to give up my fears, to learn of Him, and to slowly learn to listen to His voice and trust in Him and His teachings... but it was worth every minute... spent on my knees, in the scriptures, at the temple, and speaking with Him in the course of my everyday.
I've finally found a Friend. The only thing He asks in return is that I keep His commandments... and unconditionally love and befriend others. So that's my goal - be the friend I would have wanted. The friend I did want. Someone who will drop everything at a moment's notice, and who cares about others more than they can imagine. Someone who will move Heaven and Earth to help them choose the right, and will never give up on them.
I have a long ways to go before I get there. But Conference left me with a greater hope and a greater desire to be that friend, and find ways to love others and help them come unto Him.
When I was younger, I would have given anything to have a friend who really understood and cared about me. Someone who saw life the way I did and I could just talk to, honestly, and see my own life in his or her reflection. Well, I'd give almost anything. By the time social groups had evolved in my peerage, I saw people around me who seemed to fit in with peer groups, but the common denominators were crude jokes, profanity, drinking, wild parties... and even though everyone thanked me for "not being judgmental" ... it didn't mean that they sought out my company... and I was never on the short list to be invited anywhere for anything.
Paired with the massive lack of self-esteem that came with the adolescent years themselves, not being attracted to girls, and trying to extricate sin from my being, I definitely was going through some rough times. There were dozens of times when I wondered if anyone would care, or even notice, if I just disappeared. Once I missed school for an extended period and when I saw a classmate again she was shocked to see me; she had thought I had moved suddenly.
It didn't help that as I looked at my life I saw inordinate blessings - hence the feeling that being depressed or sad because of seemingly trite situations was another sin of which I needed to repent. I though I had no right to be down, which meant that when I was, I felt incredible guilt mixed with the pain... only pushing me lower.
On the outside I always had the perfect mask... strong, happy, optimistic, loving, kind... but inside I was a wreck.
My prayers didn't bring the relief I wanted. I would pray for peace, and the Lord would tell me He loved me... and my mind would continue to churn. I would pray for hope, and He would tell me He loved me, and I still couldn't see anything worth living for. I would pray for help in living each day, and He would tell me that He loved me... and the next day would seem even harder than the one before.
It seemed like there was no hope - no progress - no way out. But as time went on, the answers became clearer... and I realized they held the answers I had needed all along. When my mind was a blur, I prayed for peace, and I knew God loved me... and if I did my best, everything would be for my good. I prayed for hope, and the Lord helped me see that He knew I could grow... that my trials and my pain would enable me to live and thrive in every type of life no matter what happened. I prayed for help, and He gave me His trust - the divine trust that I could stand at the front of the battle with sin and despair... and not give in... but grow in my struggles to become the man He saw in me.
Today I realize that I've always had a friend by my side. Someone to talk to when times are hard, a shoulder to cry on when I'm alone. Someone to bounce ideas off of, or tell my newest thoughts, or to ask for feedback on a post before I post it here on (Gay) Mormon Guy. A Friend who is never too busy, always available, and will never tell me to go away... One who watches over me in my sleep and protects me from danger, warns me and knows the thoughts and dreams of my heart. God is my best friend. And He's the best friend that I could ever hope for.
It took years for me to develop my friendship - years to give up my fears, to learn of Him, and to slowly learn to listen to His voice and trust in Him and His teachings... but it was worth every minute... spent on my knees, in the scriptures, at the temple, and speaking with Him in the course of my everyday.
I've finally found a Friend. The only thing He asks in return is that I keep His commandments... and unconditionally love and befriend others. So that's my goal - be the friend I would have wanted. The friend I did want. Someone who will drop everything at a moment's notice, and who cares about others more than they can imagine. Someone who will move Heaven and Earth to help them choose the right, and will never give up on them.
I have a long ways to go before I get there. But Conference left me with a greater hope and a greater desire to be that friend, and find ways to love others and help them come unto Him.
Monday, April 4
Watching People Fall in Love
Of all the blessings I have ever experienced, the most memorable and compelling is being able to watch others fall in love. I'm not talking about falling in love with a person; I'm talking about falling in love with God and His teachings. It's one thing to see someone gain a love for history, or fall in love with sci-fi novels. It's another thing to watch their eyes light up when someone walks into the room. But there is nothing like the sublime ability to see their eyes light up from the inside... To see them fall in love with life itself... To find meaning in their trials and hope in their suffering.
The only thing better, for me, is to know that, in some small way, I played a part.
It makes everything worth it.
The only thing better, for me, is to know that, in some small way, I played a part.
It makes everything worth it.
Tuesday, March 29
The Widow's Mite... And Mine
And there came a certain poor widow, and she threw in two mites, which make a farthing...
And he called unto him his disciples, and saith unto them, Verily I say unto you, That this poor widow hath cast more in, than all they which have cast into the treasury:
For all they did cast in of their abundance; but she of her want did cast in all that she had, even all her living.
This story requires some background to truly understand it. In the days of Christ, Israelites were required to pay tithes and make offerings at the temple. Some were freewill offerings, but others were specific sums and sacrifices required of all.
The rich men tossed in plenty of gold, easily surpassing their allotted amount and doing so often with a grand gesture, and ensuring that a large crowd saw them and their righteousness. But the widow, perhaps with her children at her side or watching from the gate of the courtyard, threw in all that she had - perhaps not even enough to pay the tithes required, but it was everything she had. She had come out of duty, and gave all she could. And it was enough in His eyes.
There is a scene from the Joseph Smith film that plays on Temple Square that has always stuck in my mind. Joseph and Emma are looking out into the twilight... and Emma asks, "Do you ever think He asks too much?" Joseph continues looking out, and replies: "I don't allow myself to think that..."
The widow at the temple gave everything she had to the Lord, because He asked her to, the same way that Elijah asked the widow of Zarapheth, the same way the Lord asked Abraham, and the young rich man, and the Prophet Joseph... and me.
So what is my mite - the offering of my entire soul that God asks of me?
Many people have expressed the sentiment that being gay and a faithful Mormon is too hard. That it is a trial beyond comprehension and impossible to reconcile. That's just the point. The story of the widow's mite, and of life itself, is not about doing things that are easy... but about doing things that are hard. Harder than she, or I, ever thought possible.
He has asked me to be obedient. Here on (Gay) Mormon Guy, that means never acting on the carnal urges inside me, but learning to put off the natural man, becoming as a little child - meek, submissive, humble. It means obeying because I have faith in Him, and because I believe that through obedience to the laws and ordinances of the gospel I can be saved.
He has asked me to be patient. To watch friends go on missions, come home, get married, have children, and move on with their lives... when I've never been in love with a girl, and have no idea when that blessing will come. To wonder when people in the world will understand the importance of loving others unconditionally... and to wait and work as I try to share the gospel in my own way.
He has asked me to be humble. To toss away my desire to look good in the eyes of others and ardently embrace the standards of the gospel when, anonymously and in real life, that makes me an easy target for ridicule on every side. To be willing to admit that I don't know everything, and to turn to Him in faith to find the answers to my questions and the questions others ask me.
He has asked me to be loving. To honestly and truly love everyone I meet, and to follow the teachings outlined in the Beatitudes - which in my case sometimes means praying for the anonymous people who send me less-than-positive mail.
You see, the widow was asked to give, but she gave her offering willingly. And in doing so, she received a far better return than she could have achieved any other way. The Lord knew she needed to give up all she had in order to gain the faith for the blessings she needed... and it's the same for me.
Is it too hard to be gay and Mormon? To live the standards of the gospel and stay true to who I am? In reality, it's impossible. Living the gospel is impossible for everyone... alone.
And so each day I stand with a choice. I can try to do it alone - to use the intellect and talents the Lord has given me and swim upstream on my own... Or I can take my blessings, my burdens, my trials, and my faith, and cast them into the Lord's treasury... believing that He will from my sacrifice bring forth the blessings of Heaven. He has. He does. And I know He always will.
And he called unto him his disciples, and saith unto them, Verily I say unto you, That this poor widow hath cast more in, than all they which have cast into the treasury:
For all they did cast in of their abundance; but she of her want did cast in all that she had, even all her living.
This story requires some background to truly understand it. In the days of Christ, Israelites were required to pay tithes and make offerings at the temple. Some were freewill offerings, but others were specific sums and sacrifices required of all.
The rich men tossed in plenty of gold, easily surpassing their allotted amount and doing so often with a grand gesture, and ensuring that a large crowd saw them and their righteousness. But the widow, perhaps with her children at her side or watching from the gate of the courtyard, threw in all that she had - perhaps not even enough to pay the tithes required, but it was everything she had. She had come out of duty, and gave all she could. And it was enough in His eyes.
There is a scene from the Joseph Smith film that plays on Temple Square that has always stuck in my mind. Joseph and Emma are looking out into the twilight... and Emma asks, "Do you ever think He asks too much?" Joseph continues looking out, and replies: "I don't allow myself to think that..."
The widow at the temple gave everything she had to the Lord, because He asked her to, the same way that Elijah asked the widow of Zarapheth, the same way the Lord asked Abraham, and the young rich man, and the Prophet Joseph... and me.
So what is my mite - the offering of my entire soul that God asks of me?
Many people have expressed the sentiment that being gay and a faithful Mormon is too hard. That it is a trial beyond comprehension and impossible to reconcile. That's just the point. The story of the widow's mite, and of life itself, is not about doing things that are easy... but about doing things that are hard. Harder than she, or I, ever thought possible.
He has asked me to be obedient. Here on (Gay) Mormon Guy, that means never acting on the carnal urges inside me, but learning to put off the natural man, becoming as a little child - meek, submissive, humble. It means obeying because I have faith in Him, and because I believe that through obedience to the laws and ordinances of the gospel I can be saved.
He has asked me to be patient. To watch friends go on missions, come home, get married, have children, and move on with their lives... when I've never been in love with a girl, and have no idea when that blessing will come. To wonder when people in the world will understand the importance of loving others unconditionally... and to wait and work as I try to share the gospel in my own way.
He has asked me to be humble. To toss away my desire to look good in the eyes of others and ardently embrace the standards of the gospel when, anonymously and in real life, that makes me an easy target for ridicule on every side. To be willing to admit that I don't know everything, and to turn to Him in faith to find the answers to my questions and the questions others ask me.
He has asked me to be loving. To honestly and truly love everyone I meet, and to follow the teachings outlined in the Beatitudes - which in my case sometimes means praying for the anonymous people who send me less-than-positive mail.
You see, the widow was asked to give, but she gave her offering willingly. And in doing so, she received a far better return than she could have achieved any other way. The Lord knew she needed to give up all she had in order to gain the faith for the blessings she needed... and it's the same for me.
Is it too hard to be gay and Mormon? To live the standards of the gospel and stay true to who I am? In reality, it's impossible. Living the gospel is impossible for everyone... alone.
And so each day I stand with a choice. I can try to do it alone - to use the intellect and talents the Lord has given me and swim upstream on my own... Or I can take my blessings, my burdens, my trials, and my faith, and cast them into the Lord's treasury... believing that He will from my sacrifice bring forth the blessings of Heaven. He has. He does. And I know He always will.
Sunday, March 27
Why I Believe: The Book of Mormon
There's a new show on Broadway called "The Book of Mormon - the Musical." It was written by a group of men who triumphantly proclaim their distaste for religion through endless sarcasm and obscenity, and its scenes are touted as ridiculing not only Latter-day Saint theology, but the beliefs and faith of religion as a whole.
The musical, which loosely follows the story of two missionaries serving in Uganda, has been heralded by the media as pushing Broadway to new heights of obscenity, profanity, and vulgarity. I'm not sure how that is supposed to be positive. I don't think the message of the musical is positive at all.
I'm not even sure if the writers of the musical ever read the Book of Mormon.
If they did, they didn't get it.
In a world that seems constantly headed for disaster - whether international financial crisis, nuclear catastrophe, international power struggles, or all-out war - people need the hope and peace the gospel brings. They need to know that the Book of Mormon, like the Bible, contains principles of truth that can improve our lives, help us find perspective, and bring us closer to God.
The Book of Mormon has changed my life. It has answered my prayers, taught me truth, opened my heart to others, inspired me to greater heights, dried my tears, and pushed me to serve my fellow men.
That's the secret of the Book of Mormon. It's not that the stories are cool about Ammon chopping off arms or Nephi and Lehi surrounded by divine flames... it's because, with each story, there is a parallel to my life - a principle that I can apply to become a better man.
Nephi teaches me obedience - I will go and do what the Lord has commanded me, for I know He has prepared a way. Being attracted to guys/having ssa/sga/gay in a family-oriented Church means that sometimes I'm the exception to the rule. But just because marriage is a lot less simple doesn't mean that the commandments change. They don't - and as I forge ahead in my life, sometimes I feel like Nephi - not knowing beforehand whither I should go... but knowing that God loves His children and will be involved in my life.
Alma teaches faith. When I was younger, I knew that God loved me. But I didn't know how I could believe it when looking at my life. I have a desire to believe... and from that desire grew my faith. Today I have faith that, no matter what happens in my life, if I am doing what is right, all things will work together for my good.
King Benjamin teaches service. I find that service - especially unannounced, unspoken, anonymous service - warms my soul and gives me incredible peace. There's nothing better than doing things for others without getting any physical blessings in return. And I find that it helps me organize my life and resist temptation better. Cool.
Ammon and his brothers teach diligence. They went among the Lamanites to preach the gospel, were cast into prison, and continued with faith. When I'm having a rough day, and I wonder if I'm doing anything worthwhile, I think back to my own conversion to the gospel... and feel the joy it has brought to me. And that gives me the strength to keep moving forward.
Moroni teaches passion. His fiery letter to Pahoran, his march to oust the king-men and his making of the title of liberty are solid proofs of his zeal in the gospel. If all men were like unto Moroni, the powers of Hell would be shaken... as Satan would not have power to tempt any man. I sometimes think I take after Moroni. Usually I'm pretty cool-headed. But inside I'm hot with passion for the gospel and its principles. And nothing pushes me to action faster than when they are under attack.
Mormon teaches the importance of keeping a record. It's nice to have spiritual experiences, or to learn from the hand of the Lord. But with those experiences comes the responsibility to share what I've learned with others. The Lord commands all men to write and keep a record of His hand in their lives... and that applies to me... and with that record I can share my testimony that God lives and is actively a part of my life.
And Moroni teaches of the importance of having my own personal experiences. The Prophet Joseph taught that a man could learn more from gazing 5 minutes into Heaven than by reading every book ever written on the subject. Reading the scriptures isn't enough for me. I need to have personal experiences - to ask God sincerely if they are true, as Moroni encourages, and to seek the Lord in all things. And it's been true in my life. The Book of Mormon is just a starting point, from which the Lord teaches me more about who I am and my eternal destiny.
Reading the Book of Mormon, and abiding by its precepts, will bring a man nearer to God than will any other book. I've seen that. It has changed me, and continues to change me each day. The Book of Mormon is the word of God and a doorway to receiving revelations from Him. And that's why I believe.
The musical, which loosely follows the story of two missionaries serving in Uganda, has been heralded by the media as pushing Broadway to new heights of obscenity, profanity, and vulgarity. I'm not sure how that is supposed to be positive. I don't think the message of the musical is positive at all.
I'm not even sure if the writers of the musical ever read the Book of Mormon.
If they did, they didn't get it.
In a world that seems constantly headed for disaster - whether international financial crisis, nuclear catastrophe, international power struggles, or all-out war - people need the hope and peace the gospel brings. They need to know that the Book of Mormon, like the Bible, contains principles of truth that can improve our lives, help us find perspective, and bring us closer to God.
The Book of Mormon has changed my life. It has answered my prayers, taught me truth, opened my heart to others, inspired me to greater heights, dried my tears, and pushed me to serve my fellow men.
That's the secret of the Book of Mormon. It's not that the stories are cool about Ammon chopping off arms or Nephi and Lehi surrounded by divine flames... it's because, with each story, there is a parallel to my life - a principle that I can apply to become a better man.
Nephi teaches me obedience - I will go and do what the Lord has commanded me, for I know He has prepared a way. Being attracted to guys/having ssa/sga/gay in a family-oriented Church means that sometimes I'm the exception to the rule. But just because marriage is a lot less simple doesn't mean that the commandments change. They don't - and as I forge ahead in my life, sometimes I feel like Nephi - not knowing beforehand whither I should go... but knowing that God loves His children and will be involved in my life.
Alma teaches faith. When I was younger, I knew that God loved me. But I didn't know how I could believe it when looking at my life. I have a desire to believe... and from that desire grew my faith. Today I have faith that, no matter what happens in my life, if I am doing what is right, all things will work together for my good.
King Benjamin teaches service. I find that service - especially unannounced, unspoken, anonymous service - warms my soul and gives me incredible peace. There's nothing better than doing things for others without getting any physical blessings in return. And I find that it helps me organize my life and resist temptation better. Cool.
Ammon and his brothers teach diligence. They went among the Lamanites to preach the gospel, were cast into prison, and continued with faith. When I'm having a rough day, and I wonder if I'm doing anything worthwhile, I think back to my own conversion to the gospel... and feel the joy it has brought to me. And that gives me the strength to keep moving forward.
Moroni teaches passion. His fiery letter to Pahoran, his march to oust the king-men and his making of the title of liberty are solid proofs of his zeal in the gospel. If all men were like unto Moroni, the powers of Hell would be shaken... as Satan would not have power to tempt any man. I sometimes think I take after Moroni. Usually I'm pretty cool-headed. But inside I'm hot with passion for the gospel and its principles. And nothing pushes me to action faster than when they are under attack.
Mormon teaches the importance of keeping a record. It's nice to have spiritual experiences, or to learn from the hand of the Lord. But with those experiences comes the responsibility to share what I've learned with others. The Lord commands all men to write and keep a record of His hand in their lives... and that applies to me... and with that record I can share my testimony that God lives and is actively a part of my life.
And Moroni teaches of the importance of having my own personal experiences. The Prophet Joseph taught that a man could learn more from gazing 5 minutes into Heaven than by reading every book ever written on the subject. Reading the scriptures isn't enough for me. I need to have personal experiences - to ask God sincerely if they are true, as Moroni encourages, and to seek the Lord in all things. And it's been true in my life. The Book of Mormon is just a starting point, from which the Lord teaches me more about who I am and my eternal destiny.
Reading the Book of Mormon, and abiding by its precepts, will bring a man nearer to God than will any other book. I've seen that. It has changed me, and continues to change me each day. The Book of Mormon is the word of God and a doorway to receiving revelations from Him. And that's why I believe.
Sunday, March 20
A Drop in the Ocean
As I go down the street each day, I watch the people around me... and I wonder about their lives. What is their relationship with God like? What struggles do they face? How do they find symbolism in their lives and come closer to Christ? And, who teaches them? Who will bless them and change their lives - help them find the strength they need to be saved? There are thousands, millions of people who are searching for faith... and I feel as if I am standing in the midst of a churning, starving multitude, with a handful of bread and some fish... wondering how I could ever feed anyone but myself and maybe a few people on either side.
On my mission I felt the same way. I would watch people go by and wonder about them and their lives... wonder how I could ever make an impact on their families and help them understand the principles of salvation in only two years. So I just went to work.
In the time since, I've realized the true symbolism in the miracle of Christ feeding the 5000. There was a boy with five loaves and two fishes... and Christ took them, gave thanks, blessed them, and gave unto the multitude... and twelve baskets of fragments were taken up after everyone was filled. More often than not, I am the little boy - having brought my meager portion to listen to the Lord... and scared and confused when the Lord asks me to give Him what I have. I'm no one special. My experiences are my own... and often I wonder if they would really help anyone... or if they're worth reading in the first place.
But there are people out there, and so it's worth it... and God takes my loaves and fishes and sends them where He will. From the mother who is concerned about her daughter, to the father who is concerned about his son, to the brother who is trying to come back to faith or the sister at his side. From the niece praying for her uncle or the fathers and mothers wanting to repent and become better spouses and parents to their children... to the 14-year-old boy, wondering how to go on with life, who would normally never even think of googling a search term like "gay Mormon guy." And somehow, something touches their hearts and turns them to Christ, who fills them with His love.
There is still so much work to do... but I'm not alone. There are others who have come with their own loaves and fishes... and with each new miracle, others arrive. And Christ Himself is ever waiting to strengthen & feed all those who come unto Him.
On my mission I felt the same way. I would watch people go by and wonder about them and their lives... wonder how I could ever make an impact on their families and help them understand the principles of salvation in only two years. So I just went to work.
In the time since, I've realized the true symbolism in the miracle of Christ feeding the 5000. There was a boy with five loaves and two fishes... and Christ took them, gave thanks, blessed them, and gave unto the multitude... and twelve baskets of fragments were taken up after everyone was filled. More often than not, I am the little boy - having brought my meager portion to listen to the Lord... and scared and confused when the Lord asks me to give Him what I have. I'm no one special. My experiences are my own... and often I wonder if they would really help anyone... or if they're worth reading in the first place.
But there are people out there, and so it's worth it... and God takes my loaves and fishes and sends them where He will. From the mother who is concerned about her daughter, to the father who is concerned about his son, to the brother who is trying to come back to faith or the sister at his side. From the niece praying for her uncle or the fathers and mothers wanting to repent and become better spouses and parents to their children... to the 14-year-old boy, wondering how to go on with life, who would normally never even think of googling a search term like "gay Mormon guy." And somehow, something touches their hearts and turns them to Christ, who fills them with His love.
There is still so much work to do... but I'm not alone. There are others who have come with their own loaves and fishes... and with each new miracle, others arrive. And Christ Himself is ever waiting to strengthen & feed all those who come unto Him.
Monday, March 7
Being a Christian
Last night at the CES Fireside - a meeting for young adults in the Church, Elder Perry of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles spoke about the importance of helping the world return to the basics of Christianity. The opening and closing songs were "Onward Christian Soldiers" and "Let Us All Press On" - both incredible songs that make my heart race.
As he spoke, I found myself comparing his message to the world I live in. In recent years, the world leaders of Christianity have watched as the world has become more and more permissive, obscene, and dishonest. The laws of broadcast decency have stretched and broken; Christian morals that used to be a basic tenet of society are now called into question on their standing for the public field. Men and women fought on battlefields hundreds of years ago for the right to live their faith - today they fight each other in courtrooms for the right to live without it.
So what can I do? I look at my life - my blog, my family, my colleagues and friends. Except for blog readers, almost everyone I know is Christian. And so the way that I can help them is by sharing the testimony that I have of Christ and His grace in my life. By reminding them of the simple things in life that give us our connection with God. Praying sincerely and honestly. Studying the Holy Scriptures daily. Serving others daily. And turning to God in times of joy and sorrow.
I'm a gay Mormon guy. There are a lot of people who think I'd be happier, better off, and more fulfilled if I were openly gay. But I'm not. And I don't believe what other people tell me. I believe what God tells me and what I can reason with the intellect He has given me. I believe Christ when He promises that He has overcome the world and all the trials I face. As I follow His commandments, He gives me incredible happiness. He gives me peace and hope. It's worth any price. And, someday, when my time on earth is complete, He will make me into a better man than I could ever do alone. By His grace, I will be saved. And that's why I'm a Christian.
As he spoke, I found myself comparing his message to the world I live in. In recent years, the world leaders of Christianity have watched as the world has become more and more permissive, obscene, and dishonest. The laws of broadcast decency have stretched and broken; Christian morals that used to be a basic tenet of society are now called into question on their standing for the public field. Men and women fought on battlefields hundreds of years ago for the right to live their faith - today they fight each other in courtrooms for the right to live without it.
So what can I do? I look at my life - my blog, my family, my colleagues and friends. Except for blog readers, almost everyone I know is Christian. And so the way that I can help them is by sharing the testimony that I have of Christ and His grace in my life. By reminding them of the simple things in life that give us our connection with God. Praying sincerely and honestly. Studying the Holy Scriptures daily. Serving others daily. And turning to God in times of joy and sorrow.
I'm a gay Mormon guy. There are a lot of people who think I'd be happier, better off, and more fulfilled if I were openly gay. But I'm not. And I don't believe what other people tell me. I believe what God tells me and what I can reason with the intellect He has given me. I believe Christ when He promises that He has overcome the world and all the trials I face. As I follow His commandments, He gives me incredible happiness. He gives me peace and hope. It's worth any price. And, someday, when my time on earth is complete, He will make me into a better man than I could ever do alone. By His grace, I will be saved. And that's why I'm a Christian.
Friday, March 4
Seven Truths I've Learned (From Being a Gay Mormon)
1. God really does answer my prayers.
I used to believe that God wasn't really all-powerful. Not in those words, but I didn't fully believe that just turning to Him could really ease the pain in my life. I've realized that sincere prayer often does more to help me feel loved, understood, valued, and inspired than anything else. I can honestly say that God is my friend; hopefully someday I can also say that I am His.
2. Modern prophets and others receive revelation on my behalf
I love sitting in General Conference or another meeting with my notes out in front of me, the questions I've recently pondered written at the top of the page... and then listening as speaker after speaker explains the Lord's will as if He were speaking directly to me. I sometimes wonder if God spends too much time listening and responding to me as one gay Mormon guy... but then I realize that He can and will do the same for everyone. That's pretty cool.
3. The little things make a big difference
People talk about the importance of studying the scriptures daily, having daily prayer, going to Church... but a huge number of people have trouble actually doing the little things. I've realized that holding on to the word of God is important. When I have the world and my inner demons pulling as hard as they can, I have to do everything possible to stay attached to the gospel.
4. I am the ruler of my destiny
A whole lot of people may say that I am born the way I am and that I can't change. But not being able to change doesn't determine my destiny. Blind men have won Olympic medals. Deaf men have written symphonies. And gay men have fallen madly in love with a woman, married, had children, and lived happily ever after. It takes a whole lot of work. More work than most people think is possible or reasonable. But, with God, all good things are possible. With Him, I can do anything. I'm the ruler of my destiny.
5. I can affect the world
Sometimes I look at the things I do in life - work, free time, social life - and muse about their impact on the world. Honestly, most of what I do doesn't have a huge effect. But when I find a way to lift someone - to inspire them, or to light their eyes with truth, then I realize deep inside that I can affect the world in a meaningful way.
6. Everything works together for the good of them that love and serve God
There have been times when I wanted to die. Literally. But when I turned to God and explained my pain, He always took it away and gave me the injunction to serve others. And as I found ways to serve them, I felt hope. Today I look back on my life, with being Mormon and gay, and can see the hand of God in everything. There are things I've learned from this that I couldn't learn any other way. And, as long as I'm faithful to the end, it will all work out.
7. Life is good
Happiness is partially a choice. I can think optimistically, see the good in the world and others, and try to be up all the time. But happiness is also a gift from God - like it explains at the end of Mosiah 2. "Keep[ing] the commandments of God" is the key to being happy. As long as I'm doing that, nothing else matters.
As an afterthought, I am still sort of uncomfortable calling myself a gay Mormon. If you search for gay Mormons on Google you normally get a lot of people who don't fully believe what the Church teaches - they aren't fully believing Mormons. And the word gay is sometimes used to describe someone who engages in homosexual activities and sometimes used to describe same-sex attraction. In both cases I usually try to be more articulate in my word choice. But my choice has backfired, as I got a message from Google that my blog's main keyword was "Christmas." Hence the rebranding effort.
I used to believe that God wasn't really all-powerful. Not in those words, but I didn't fully believe that just turning to Him could really ease the pain in my life. I've realized that sincere prayer often does more to help me feel loved, understood, valued, and inspired than anything else. I can honestly say that God is my friend; hopefully someday I can also say that I am His.
2. Modern prophets and others receive revelation on my behalf
I love sitting in General Conference or another meeting with my notes out in front of me, the questions I've recently pondered written at the top of the page... and then listening as speaker after speaker explains the Lord's will as if He were speaking directly to me. I sometimes wonder if God spends too much time listening and responding to me as one gay Mormon guy... but then I realize that He can and will do the same for everyone. That's pretty cool.
3. The little things make a big difference
People talk about the importance of studying the scriptures daily, having daily prayer, going to Church... but a huge number of people have trouble actually doing the little things. I've realized that holding on to the word of God is important. When I have the world and my inner demons pulling as hard as they can, I have to do everything possible to stay attached to the gospel.
4. I am the ruler of my destiny
A whole lot of people may say that I am born the way I am and that I can't change. But not being able to change doesn't determine my destiny. Blind men have won Olympic medals. Deaf men have written symphonies. And gay men have fallen madly in love with a woman, married, had children, and lived happily ever after. It takes a whole lot of work. More work than most people think is possible or reasonable. But, with God, all good things are possible. With Him, I can do anything. I'm the ruler of my destiny.
5. I can affect the world
Sometimes I look at the things I do in life - work, free time, social life - and muse about their impact on the world. Honestly, most of what I do doesn't have a huge effect. But when I find a way to lift someone - to inspire them, or to light their eyes with truth, then I realize deep inside that I can affect the world in a meaningful way.
6. Everything works together for the good of them that love and serve God
There have been times when I wanted to die. Literally. But when I turned to God and explained my pain, He always took it away and gave me the injunction to serve others. And as I found ways to serve them, I felt hope. Today I look back on my life, with being Mormon and gay, and can see the hand of God in everything. There are things I've learned from this that I couldn't learn any other way. And, as long as I'm faithful to the end, it will all work out.
7. Life is good
Happiness is partially a choice. I can think optimistically, see the good in the world and others, and try to be up all the time. But happiness is also a gift from God - like it explains at the end of Mosiah 2. "Keep[ing] the commandments of God" is the key to being happy. As long as I'm doing that, nothing else matters.
As an afterthought, I am still sort of uncomfortable calling myself a gay Mormon. If you search for gay Mormons on Google you normally get a lot of people who don't fully believe what the Church teaches - they aren't fully believing Mormons. And the word gay is sometimes used to describe someone who engages in homosexual activities and sometimes used to describe same-sex attraction. In both cases I usually try to be more articulate in my word choice. But my choice has backfired, as I got a message from Google that my blog's main keyword was "Christmas." Hence the rebranding effort.
Thursday, February 24
Me & Love Languages: Acts of Service
The service love language is rooted in making life easier for the person you love. Cleaning the kitchen, raking leaves, or anything else is the best way to say, "I love you." The worst thing to do? Just sit there watching tv, talking, or reading while they work, or always do your own thing.
This is a love language that I definitely appreciate. Coming home to a clean kitchen or realizing that someone has cleaned the house fills me with a sense of gratitude, simply because they care. Ironically, I give off the "I don't need anything in my life, so don't ask" vibe, according to my friends, and I probably won't be able to think of anything I need... so getting up the courage to offer service and finding something to offer is pretty hard. But if you can find a way to serve me, I'll remember it and feel your love forever.
I have friends with this love language, and I have to consciously tell myself that I need to find things to do with them while we are spending quality time together. But I actually don't feel any of the ill effects of this language. If you show your love to me in other ways - even just talking to me while I clean for hours on end - I'll still feel loved.
Receiving - Good. I appreciate the service that others give me - random or personal. It warms my heart and inspires me to serve others with the time and effort they have given me so freely.
Giving - Great. This is my fallback language when I don't have a close enough relationship to profit from quality time. And I've realized, in loving people through this language, that much of my need is actually to love others - to just being loved by them. And serving them helps fill my need to love.
Different for guys? No, except that I find myself serving guys more often because it takes longer to develop a relationship with quality time. But, over time, it works out - and I feel great - loved and able to love.
This is a love language that I definitely appreciate. Coming home to a clean kitchen or realizing that someone has cleaned the house fills me with a sense of gratitude, simply because they care. Ironically, I give off the "I don't need anything in my life, so don't ask" vibe, according to my friends, and I probably won't be able to think of anything I need... so getting up the courage to offer service and finding something to offer is pretty hard. But if you can find a way to serve me, I'll remember it and feel your love forever.
I have friends with this love language, and I have to consciously tell myself that I need to find things to do with them while we are spending quality time together. But I actually don't feel any of the ill effects of this language. If you show your love to me in other ways - even just talking to me while I clean for hours on end - I'll still feel loved.
Receiving - Good. I appreciate the service that others give me - random or personal. It warms my heart and inspires me to serve others with the time and effort they have given me so freely.
Giving - Great. This is my fallback language when I don't have a close enough relationship to profit from quality time. And I've realized, in loving people through this language, that much of my need is actually to love others - to just being loved by them. And serving them helps fill my need to love.
Different for guys? No, except that I find myself serving guys more often because it takes longer to develop a relationship with quality time. But, over time, it works out - and I feel great - loved and able to love.
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