Loved and Lost

I met a guy today. He may not remember our meeting tomorrow... but already it's burned into my mind.

At first, nothing seemed out of the ordinary in the conversation. It was just another meeting. Jokes, banter, talking about life and going through the motions of getting to know you before the agenda begins. But there was something more in his words. Most of what he talked about - the stories he shared to illustrate his thoughts - centered on his family. He had been married, had children, and was now divorced.

He wasn't old, but it seemed to me that he was speaking about his family too freely for the divorce to have happened less than a few years ago. And yet, the connection was still there. He still joked about his in-laws. He recounted positive stories of his marriage... and I found myself wondering what had happened. The brief glimpse I saw in his anecdotes of the past seemed wholly different from what I could see across the table. The man I saw was stressed to his limits, trying to prove something to the universe by taking on far more than he really wanted.

What had happened? What pushed him from married life to being yet again single... from balanced stress to chaos?

And then it hit me - not only what had happened, but why I felt I could empathize so deeply with this man I had never met. His friend made a comment, and all the rest of the signs and stories fell into place. He was gay.

In that moment, I saw through the facade and realized how it all fit together. I understood the banter and the sarcasm, the stress and hectic schedule. A guy, attracted to other guys, who tries his hardest to make life work... somehow falls in love with a woman who returns that love... they have a child... and then something happens that pushes them apart. She learns about his attraction to guys... divorces him... he loses the one person he loved more than anything in the world... gives up on trying to stay chaste... and is left to pick up the pieces of his life. A few years pass and here he is, still bearing the signs of wear and tear, but trying to push through life.

I don't know if I'll ever talk to him in person again. But later that day I had tears running down my cheeks... frustrated and wondering how many other men and women felt the same way... betrayed, lost, confused... and, for a moment, I felt like I could understand why someone would just give up when that happened.

Then I saw part of The Vow.

For those who aren't familiar with the storyline, a man and his wife are in a terrible accident that leaves the wife unable to remember anything from multiple years before. He tries valiantly to help her remember, attempts to court her again, drops his job and stays by her side... but she can't remember him, doesn't accept him, and leaves him completely.

I found myself crying a whole lot... exactly what I would be doing if I were in that situation. And after she served the divorce papers, I felt myself in his shoes and wanted... honestly... to jump off a bridge. Just end life completely. I mean, when the person who means everything to you walks away, what else is there to live for?

There's God... which He gently reminded me... and with God life always a purpose. But sometimes that doesn't make it any easier to get up in the morning or not cry yourself to sleep each night.

The realization I had looking at the man across the table and into my own heart... is that I don't know if I have the strength and faith to live through the trials that finding love, and losing it, would bring. I would hope so. But that seems far more difficult than anything I've experienced... and I hope I never do.

To those who have loved and given and sacrificed and lost: may you have the faith and hope to find God in your trials. May He heal your wounds and give you peace. Tonight you are in my prayers.

Re-Post: Original It Gets Better Post

I've had a number of requests to repost this content. So I'm reposting it. Thank heavens Google has a cache; otherwise I'd have no way of getting it back. I probably should have just made another post instead of editing the original. I'll make a note of that for any future posts. Sorry about that, and to those who found their comments suddenly attached to the wrong post.

I have a lot of strong feelings about BYU and Church Education in general, a long list of things that I would change, and major qualms with some of the ideas that are espoused by professors and students. But, of all the topics on which I could disagree, I never expected this to be one of them.

I watched the video "It Gets Better at BYU" and found myself unnerved that the creators never mentioned the distinction that always comes up in every other discussion that involves BYU or the Church. That's the distinction between "being gay = simply having same-sex attraction" and "being gay = being actively engaged in homosexual relationships." In the Church, the distinction is clear - having same-sex attraction isn't a sin. Having homosexual relationships is a sin.

Without that distinction, saying that God is okay with someone being gay has multiple, and somewhat duplicitous, meanings. Does it mean that it's okay to live with same-sex attraction as long as you never act on it... or that God is okay with men who marry men?

I don't have problems with the video's association with the "It Gets Better" project (I definitely don't agree with the organization itself - as its goals extend beyond preventing bullying into the arena of same-sex marriage)... since it's a good way to simply share a theme and reach traffic. But using the BYU name, for the world, implies that whoever is speaking is speaking for all the gay Mormons at BYU, and, by extension, gay Mormons in the Church as a whole. But I finished watching the video feeling horribly uneasy... because I'm not sure if the creators really agree with what the Church teaches.

The impact on the different audiences is interesting. People outside the Church will see it and may get slightly confused - at least those who are familiar with the Church's teachings on homosexuality. Those inside the Church will better understand the pain that people feel, and it'll start a charged conversation about the actual doctrine of the Church. That conversation has already started. And to those who live in the Church and live with same-sex attraction, it shows that you can make it... but, at least for me, it didn't offer the peace that I knew I would want - proof that it's possible not only to be happy by making it through the teen years, but that peace and hope could come through living the gospel.

Life does get better as people become more able to deal with their trials. I know it's gotten better for me. We should all reach out with love and understanding to bless the lives of those around us... and live the gospel to improve our own.

Longing

I made the mistake of watching an animated Disney romance with friends. Not a completely good idea for someone whose goal to get married seems eternally thwarted by the inability to find a girl to love. 

I'm consciously aware that Disney romances are almost completely fake. I know of the necessary abbreviations in courtship to speed along plotlines, the ideal situational tendencies, and the underlying assurance that everyone will live happily ever after... and that true life romances take mostly hard work and come as you cultivate love. Disney romances aren't realistic in hundreds of ways. But it doesn't keep me from watching a couple (albeit animated) looking into each others' eyes, baring their souls to each other... and longing to feel that connection.

It'll happen eventually. I don't know how, and I don't know when. But someday I'll fall in love with a girl, she with me, we'll be married, and have an awesome family. It'll take a miracle... Maybe a whole series of miracles. But salvation requires miracles anyway. Living life to its fullest, with faith, always requires miracles... so why should I expect any less from the most important decision of my life?

And in the meantime, it's worth the wait... and I have experiences and moments that help me see why I'm not yet married. I reach out to people in my world, help them fall in love with the Church, send them on missions... then start all over and do it again. I share the gospel here on (Gay) Mormon Guy and hear about readers who decide to be baptized, serve missions, work through problems in marriage, and find the strength and faith to live another day.

Yes, someday, and hopefully in this life, I'll fall in love with a girl, we'll be married in the temple, and work to make our marriage happy forever after. But in the meantime... I trust in the Lord and do His will. He blesses me each day. And working alongside Him, I learn of Him... which makes the longing (almost) completely disappear.

Pre-Valentine's Day Thoughts

Pre-Valentine's Day Thoughts

I asked five different girls out for tonight, beginning earlier in the week, stretching through tonight. Everyone was busy. And I know it was that they were actually busy (and not just uninterested) since all of them have been pretty clear that they wanted to spend more time with me. Which leaves me without a date the weekend before Valentine's Day. Like usual.

Wait a sec - I just thought of one more person I could ask... We just sort of broke up, but she made it clear that she still wanted to be friends. And a friend date would be better than nothing...

Nice. She said yes, sounded excited... but is busy right now, so we'll work out the details in a bit. That's a miracle. Blog about my problems, and the Lord solves them for me on the spot. I don't have a real date for tonight, since it's clear between us that we're not going the romantic route, but that's fine - all I really need is someone to distract me and an opportunity to have fun.

On a side note: A recent comment asked why I'm so passionate about finding the right girl, instead of just deciding to be celibate for the rest of life. The answer is buried in posts somewhere (which reminds me that I should find a way to organize them), but I think it's worth mentioning. The question comes from a number of sources, specifically that the Church no longer encourages marriage as a form of therapy. Some people have mistakenly misconstrued that statement and claim that the Church "discourages" marriage. In reality, the Church supports those who fall in love with and decide to get married to a spouse of the opposite gender, even with same-gender attraction. It also supports those who feel it's right to live a life of celibacy.

My non-date went well tonight. I've tried to experiment with being more physical in this relationship; I usually feel incredibly uncomfortable even touching girls and I never hold hands... so I tried being more physical while we dated. At least, more than I had been before - holding hands, escorting with my arm, sitting or standing with my arm around her, brushing up against her whenever it was possible. Yeah. It didn't do much for me. But we enjoy each other's company... which is better than sitting at home.

I've been promised that I'll find and marry a wife in this life, and I believe that's true. Hence why I continue to search. I don't intend to marry someone I'm not attracted to, so it will take a miracle or something similar when the time comes, but I believe it will happen, for me.

"True love can be whispered from heart to heart when lovers are parted," they say... But I must depend on a wish and a star (and faith and prayers and good works) as long as my heart doesn't know who you are... 

Goodnight, my someone... Goodnight.

We Should Be Lovers

I was listening to Pandora the other day when the song changed to "Elephant Love Medley" from Moulin Rouge. I've never seen the show, (and I'm not sure if I will, given comments made by a friend about it) but I fell in love with the song. The character who is singing (I think played by Ewan McGregor) is definitely about as crazy as I am, just as hopelessly romantic, and just as willing and anxious to find someone to love. I don't know the context of the song, so I can't comment on the actual nature of their relationship, but it struck a chord in me, as all love duets do.

I don't have many things that are on my list of qualities to look for in a future wife. I've never been attracted to girls with blond, brown, red, black, purple, or no hair. I used to have a long list of all the things I wanted to find; now I just want to find someone to love completely, and we can grow together. But there is one definite thing that I want - a love of singing love duets. Yeah. My favorite memories of talent shows and karaoke parties were convincing girls to sing love songs with me. When I'm singing, I can put myself into the words, and it's the closest I've ever been to really being in love. I'm not sure how the audience feels... since my voice probably butchers their favorite songs and leaves irreparable scars on their musical souls... but I like the feeling. I've given girls the wrong idea a few times, though... when they didn't realize that my real emotions were different after the performance... but I still think it's worth it.

The other theme in the song - beyond a love for "silly love songs" - is an interesting commentary on searching for love. "Though nothing will keep us together, we can steal time just for one day..." Both people realize that it may not work out between them, but they realize the beauty of being in love - and of caring for another person - regardless of the ending result. In that phrase is the reason why I sing love songs with girls I don't know and date when I know it won't work out - why I ask girls out when I'm pretty sure we have almost nothing in common - because showing love to others, and spending time with them, is worthwhile even if it's not with my eternal companion. "Love is a many-splendored thing. Love lifts us up where we belong. All you need is love." If I knew who my eventual eternal companion was, or if I always had girls that I thought were, somehow, potential candidates, then dating would be more straightforward. But it isn't, and so I approach each relationship with an open heart, open mind, and the words swirling in my head, "We should be lovers..." even if only just for one day.

There's nothing wrong with loving people. Now, the love I'm talking about is somewhat different from the love of the world - I firmly stand by the belief that sexual relations are reserved for expression between husband and wife. But showing love in every other way is an incredible thing... and one of my passions in life. The friendships I've made from showing love have changed me, and often my core motivation in the things I do is simply finding ways to show people that I love them. I'm not always very good at it (more likely that it matches my singing voice in creating emotional scars :) ), but I'm slowly learning. And hopefully, by the time I actually meet the girl I'll fall in love with someday, I'll better know how to show love. In the meantime, it will continue to play in the back of my mind, throughout each day... "We should be lovers..." In my mind, it's just an intense way of saying "We should be friends..."

Even as Frogs

A few years ago Disney produced a film called "The Princess and the Frog" - an adaptation of the fairy tale The Frog Prince. The film wasn't a smashing success; I don't even remember hearing much about it when it first came out in theaters. But recently I watched it with my ever-present lens of how it applies to my life, and that movie will never be the same.

In most Disney films the romance is strikingly one-sided. Beautiful princess falls for thief, servant, beast, etc... Or handsome prince falls for servant, sleeping stranger... In every case, the condescension is one-sided and complete as the perfect mate stoops to let another partake of his or her glory and join together in "happily ever after."

But in this movie it's not that way. 

There is a prince, but he's a lazy useless spendthrift, not a handsome knight who has worked to someday become a ruler of his kingdom. And the princess lacks the ability to see the importance of people in her life above her beloved dream for a restaurant.

Both protagonists have major flaws, which better describes the predicament I face. I have major flaws in my life (not being attracted to any girls yet is a major one, attraction to guys another)... and so do the people I date. I've never found a girl I could fall in love with... and I've often wondered if I was supposed to "settle" for something, or someone less. I realize now that the answer is a resounding NO! True love is something beyond physical appearance or even attraction. True love stays when everything else has disappeared...

In the movie, both protagonists are frogs. One is a workaholic while the other is a bum, and both want fulfillment of their own desires, no matter what it takes. They travel together to ask Mama Odi to help them achieve their dreams... but, instead, she helps them look inside their souls. And as they do, they realize what they need... and ultimately give up their wants to fulfill their needs. They decide that life together is worth it, even as frogs... and while the rest of their lives take huge amounts of work, their patience and perseverance pays off in the end.

Facing my own trials, Mama Odi's advice and the theme of the film hits home. Part of me wants a drop-dead-gorgeous guy at my side who understands me, loves me, and can be my soulmate, and vice versa. But there is a difference between what I want and what I need. The Spirit of God teaches that eternal happiness comes through Jesus Christ and the saving grace that only He can offer. And so while I want one thing, what I really need is the faith and strength to live my life according to His will, no matter what the sacrifice.

Someday I know I'll find my own frog princess. Not someone who is perfect and takes pity on me as lowly pond scum, but a woman who can fall in love with me in spite of my faults... and who I will fall in love with in spite of hers as well. The falling in love on my part will need a miracle, since it has never happened. But miracles happen every day... And it will happen for me. With God's strength we'll make the commitment to work to make it turn out right. Yes, life will be impossibly hard... and there will be pain and sorrow. But God stands at my side today, and He will stand with each of us as we keep His commandments. His love for all His creations is eternal, even for imperfect beings with weaknesses and liabilities... whether literal or metaphoric frogs.