Someone Who Understands

Some days I find myself wishing for someone who can understand me and everything I'm going through. Someone who has been where I am, made it through somehow, and can look at my life and give me the knowledge I need to survive.

I'm not talking just about same-sex attraction. Even though it's a part of the things I face, it's the least of my worries right now. Life itself, and all its pieces, just seems to have loomed up and threatened to swallow me whole... and I have no idea which direction to run for cover.

I think that for me, that was one of the hardest things when I initially realized I was attracted to guys. I had no role models, knew no one who had walked in my shoes... could find no one I to ask for advice on how to live the gospel while facing my own personal brand of life... and the result was that I felt utterly and completely alone. It probably didn't help that I didn't feel I could even tell anyone about the issues I faced, so no one knew, and they couldn't help even if they had the resources.

I've never found anyone who truly understands me... or anyone who seems able to understand even most of what's happening. Counselors and therapists listen kindly, then express a mixture of pity, shock, and concern when they realize what's actually happening in my mind (much of which I don't/can't share here). Priesthood leaders tell me that they're sure I can do it. Even family members look at me with blank expressions when I try to explain myself.

But I've realized two things. First, the Lord honestly and truly understands what I'm facing - all of it - and is able to be there for me every step of the way. Second, I don't need one person who understands everything about my life (I'm not sure I'll ever find one)... I just need different people who understand different pieces and can help me get through those areas of life. People who understand my concerns about work, others about dreams, others about long-term professional plans, others about dating and ssa, others about Church service, others about depression and illness... and as I find people who understand me and can help me in each of those facets, life as a whole gets better. It's not even that I ask them for advice. I'm awful at that. Just knowing that someone understands, and has been there, and has seen success, inspires me to make that story apply to me.

I guess that's one reason why I started (Gay) Mormon Guy. If I had known that there were thousands... or even one faithful member who had fought the same battle, and was winning, that would have been enough to give me hope to move forward. As it was, without a support group or anyone who knew, I'm grateful that somehow I made it this far. I was supported by God and His angels. That's proof enough for me that God is involved in my life. It makes me think of Elisha standing on the mountaintop, preparing to go to battle alone with his servant.

And when the servant of the man of God was risen early, and gone forth, behold, an host compassed the city both with horses and chariots. And his servant said unto him, Alas, my master! how shall we do?

And he answered, Fear not: for they that be with us are more than they that be with them.

And Elisha prayed, and said, Lord, I pray thee, open his eyes, that he may see. And the Lord opened the eyes of the young man; and he saw: and, behold, the mountain was full of horses and chariots of fire (2 Kings 6:15-17).

The Lord really does care about me. I've felt His hand in my life so many times when I wasn't worthy or deserving of it... and it has been enough to help me become a better man.

I'll extend the offer I've made before. I'm not by any means a perfect friend. I don't have most of the answers and can only speak from my own experience. But if you need someone who understands, contact me (my gmail address is afriendtotalk2 ). I'll listen and do what I can.

Gay at BYU... and in the Church

In emails, a few readers have mentioned a forum that happened last night at BYU-Provo. The BYU sociology department sponsored an open panel of 3 men and 1 woman who shared their experiences living in the Church with same-sex attraction.

One man shared the story of how he fell in love with his wife after serving a mission, got married, and eventually the physical attraction came as well. The second man explained that he is attracted to both men and women. And the two others - a man and a woman - both shared the desire to marry the same gender, but also actively attend Church.

Hearing about this panel makes me wonder. I knew a gay couple on my mission... and while they initially perhaps intended to be actively involved in the Church, being excommunicated for violation of temple covenants was far more difficult than they had expected. Never being asked to pray or speak or teach, not having the blessing of paying tithing, being accepted in the ward but without a calling, and not having the "light at the end of the tunnel" that comes to those who repent. After only a short time, they stopped coming to Church... then they stopped reading the scriptures... and members and missionaries alike had no idea what to do to help.

I remember being in their home, eating dinner and reading the Book of Mormon with them and asking why they didn't come to Church. I didn't know at the time that they were sexually active as homosexuals. I just knew that there was something vitally important missing from their lives - a pain that I could see in their eyes - along with the conviction that, whatever had happened to estrange them from the Church, they still believed. The answer they gave has haunted me ever since.

"We know the Church is true, Elders. We love the Book of Mormon and the prophet, and we know what they teach is true. We work hard to keep the commandments and even gave away a copy of the Book of Mormon at work a few weeks ago. But going to Church, where... everyone knows us... is too hard. We want to go, but it's just too hard."

Since that time, I realize that I've never met someone who has succeeded in his desire to be active in the Church (as active as you can be while excommunicated - attending meetings and activities, but without temple attendance or callings), completely honest with himself and others, and actively homosexual. Those who lie and cover their sins? Yeah. Those who are honest and stay clean? Yeah. And those who leave outright? Yes.

And, at its core, the belief is more than that - the belief is this: "I can be actively homosexual and active in the Church at the same time... and there will be no discord between the two." But that isn't true. The belief that I could pick from both worlds, while perhaps idyllic on the surface, doesn't fit with the Plan. And, ultimately, I, like everyone else in life, will come to the crossroads where I have to choose between the two masters.

No man can serve two masters, for either he will hate the one and love the other, or else he will hold to the one and despise the other. Ye cannot serve God and mammon.

There are plenty of false teachings about homosexuality and happiness in the world, and even among some members of the Church:

The belief that getting married, while hard, will inevitably solve all my problems. Definitely false. In the case of same-sex attraction, marriage is only a choice if I fall head over heels in love with a girl. Otherwise, it is specifically discouraged by the Church.

The belief that if I'm faithful and "do everything right," the Lord will heal me and replace my attractions. The Lord doesn't take away everyone's burdens. He didn't in the past, and will not in the future. He will leave His children with diabetes, heart conditions, cancer, mental illness, and same-sex attraction along with every other trial they need to return to Him

The belief that I can never be happy in life if I'm not involved in romantic same-sex relationships. Also false. While relationships do bring happiness, it comes and stays when I keep the commandments of God. The Lord will always ensure my happiness if I do my part to let Him.

The belief that someday the Church will change, and romantic same-sex relationships and marriages will become accepted and part of Church doctrine. It takes very little honest research on this topic among the words of the prophets to realize that, while the organization of the Church is guided according to the will of God, the commandment against homosexuality will never change... because God will never change it. Someone asked me once what I would do if God commanded me to find a husband. I felt that I had read enough and felt enough that to even pretend that was possible was absurd. But he was adamant, so I did the one thing that anyone in that situation should do - ask God. Before, I had never really asked if homosexuality would always be a sin. It was obvious to me that it always had been and always would be. But faced with people who thought otherwise, I asked what I should do in that circumstance. The answer from the Lord, instead of "what I would do if God asked me to ...", was a simple truth He taught me. God will never ask me, or anyone, to engage in homosexual relations, and homosexual acts will always be sins. Hence, I can add my own personal witness to that of the Brethren - acting on homosexual attractions will not lead to eternal happiness, and that's not ever going to change.

I guess what alarms me is that people - even some of these BYU students who are currently committed to obeying the Honor Code - don't seem to see the danger in believing that they can straddle both worlds. And when they are finding pleasure and fulfillment in their relationships, yet the gospel doesn't seem to "work" for them as it did before, I'm afraid they'll discard it, when the real issue wasn't the gospel at all.

I am convinced that the only way to true and lasting happiness is through keeping the commandments of God. And that, as I do so, He will guide me, meet my unmet needs, and enable me to find peace, joy, and love according to the bounds that He has set for me and my life. And hopefully, as time goes on, the truth of that message will find those who need it most.

"Some Gays Can Change"

I recently received a well-written comment here that empathized with my frustration in relationships and the concomitant tension caused by attraction to guys. But at first I didn't publish it, because part of it didn't ring true to me.

The part of the comment that kept playing over and over in my mind said, "And as frustrating as this experience is for me, it at least brings me peace in the certitude of the immutability of those natural sympathies toward men."

My first thought was to appeal to the teachings of the prophets, and I immediately thought of Elder Oaks speaking about the possibility of change for some people. Or the talks that strongly instill the doctrine that homosexuality is not a part of eternal identity - it did not exist in the Premortal world, and like other physical conditions, will not exist for the righteous after death. But while the teachings of the prophets are enough for me, society functions on a completely different level. Yes, anyone who listens, ponders, and prays for guidance can know the truth of principles of the gospel for themselves, but if change is really possible - something that a true belief in the Atonement has to allow, as it is by definition "infinite and eternal" - then there should be more than just teachings of the prophets available as well. 

The prompting came to me that I needed to actually do some research on the scientific evidence supporting or refuting the possibility of real, meaningful change... and read the studies documenting change efforts, written by gay activists, university researchers, and everyone else, regardless of their innate bias. 

I already knew that homosexuality had been removed from the manual of psychiatry in 1973, with the exception of "unwanted homosexuality" - which could still be diagnosed and treated. Unwanted homosexuality was deleted 15 years later, in 1987. Whether the choices made by the American Psychiatric Association were due to gay activism or actual scientific studies, from my perspective, shouldn't be as relevant as the findings of current research.

The only problem is that, shortly after the time that homosexuality was deleted from the APA manual, research sort of dried up, especially compared to the visibility of homosexuality in the population at large. Again, whether that was caused by a lack of meaningful reasons to do the studies or a lack of funding tied to political motivations doesn't really reflect on the issue. But there have been studies - dozens of them - that have been done. And the results, today as I read them, have again shocked me.

Each study qualified "recovery" differently, from complete cessation of homosexual attraction and development of heterosexual attraction, to the simple cessation of homosexual attractions or the development of stronger heterosexual ones. But in each of the modern, unbiased, peer-reviewed and published studies of this "reorientation therapy," they detailed success. Real, meaningful change. But there are miracles... and maybe the studies were actually biased in some way. How could I really tell? And then I found the jackpot.

Robert Spitzer, in 1973, was the most influential psychiatrist to spearhead the exclusion of homosexuality from the APA and the deletion of moral exceptions in 1987. In 2000, the APA was set to take the next step - to declare reorientation therapy as dangerous, harmful, and illegal under the guidelines of the APA. In the social moray that ensued, he met hundreds of people who protested the resolution. They claimed, sincerely, that reorientation therapy had helped them make significant changes. A scientist to the core, Spitzer realized that this data went directly against his hypothesis... which also meant that this was his opportunity to have solid proof if he could show that there had been no meaningful change in homosexual attraction.

His study changed his mind, and preserved reorientation therapy as an option for men and women. In a NARTH press release (May 9, 2001) he explained the results of his study thus: "Like most psychiatrists, I thought that homosexual behavior could be resisted, but sexual orientation could not be changed. I now believe that's untrue--some people can and do change." NARTH is definitely a biased source of information. But using an exact quote is pretty safe. And that he was willing to release his findings to NARTH, or at least let them quote him, is indicative that their context was fitting with his own feelings.

He even found that 67% of the males studied who had, before, had no heterosexual attraction, now had good heterosexual functioning.

The caveat of the study was the timeframe necessary to achieve any meaningful change. Unlike a diet, or interventions for many social maladies, sexual reorientation therapy seemed to be completely ineffective for at least two years after beginning in earnest. To me, that's a long time to follow a dedicated, rigorous, outside-influenced schedule without seeing any results. And it could also explain why some people believe it doesn't work or is impossible. He also noted that complete change - as in total cessation of homosexual attractions and perfect functioning of heterosexuality - was somewhat uncommon, as was common in psychiatric interventions. But even in the cases where actual homosexual attractions did swap with heterosexual ones, the therapy gave clients a significantly greater quality of life - a direct affront to the APA's assertion that reorientation therapy is harmful.

His study was met with a firestorm in the media and his personal life. He released the data for meta-analysis and other scientists clamored for the opportunity to find flaws in the research. But each of them also changed their minds as they published articles showing that Spitzer - who really was a good researcher - had done it right. And the data was real. Eventually, his study was peer-reviewed and substantiated enough that it was published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior in October 2003 - psychiatry's leading journal in sexual functioning. And it stands there today.

More studies have cropped up since Spitzer's politically incorrect foray into sexual science, each showing the real possibility of meaningful change, but usually with the caveat that change takes time, huge amounts of effort, a multi-faceted approach, and happens on a scale instead of a yes or no.

So why have I not known about this? I mean, the social media is usually biased, but this much? Even among the community of Mormons who live with this, there is the permeating feeling that change is impossible, even though real clinical research shows definite evidence to the contrary.

I found a quote that made me realize that there are probably some real political reasons that society is inundated with sexual determinism. It was attributed to a member of the APA and published by the Harvard University Press "...it may be that for now, the safest way to advocate for lesbian/gay/bisexual rights is to keep propagating a deterministic model: sexual minorities are born that way and can never be otherwise. If this is an easier route to acceptance (which may in fact be the case), is it really so bad that it is inaccurate?"

So what does that mean for me? Honestly, it gives me an outlet for hope - some type of actual scientific basis to my beliefs that living the gospel, following the Spirit, and choosing the right will ultimately lead to the miracle of falling in love with a woman and raising a happy, eternal family. Will it happen for everyone who tries? Maybe not. Will it be perfect? Probably not. But some people can change... and I think it's worth the effort to see if I can, too.