Whom the Lord Loveth...

I was talking with my dad today, and thinking about all the things that have happened in my life over the last few years.

Mixed in with music, writing, the MBA, and everything else, I've had a closer look at how the Lord works in repentance than I ever imagined.

I've seen it before. I served a mission in Italy, with 9 months in Naples - and the mob is cultural reality. Half the people I taught were part of the mob, and I became conversant with the things they'd have to do to get baptized if they were willing to change.

And then (G)MG became a part of my life. And I became a bystander to watch as God did everything in His power to help His children repent.

Verily, thus saith the Lord unto you whom I love, and whom I love I also chasten that their sins may be forgiven, for with the chastisement I prepare a way for their deliverance in all things out of temptation, and I have loved you... (D&C 95:1)

It amazes me. Honestly and truly. Someone tells me about their relationship with a bishop and I'm shocked by the bishop's leniency. Another shares and I'm shocked by his strictness. I watch as God chastens His sons and daughters, puts them through intense humbling experiences, pushes them to the edge of their ability to bear... and then beyond.

All with the goal of changing them into new creatures in Christ. Giving them the hardest/best experiences possible to open their hearts and humble their souls.

I realize that one of the main purposes of life is to help us become like Christ, and that we need intense experiences to help us become who God sees in us.

But sometimes I find myself wondering.

And it helps me remember how utterly incompetent I am when it comes to knowing someone's heart. I'd excommunicate this person; his stake president does nothing. I'd wrap my arms around that one; his bishop calls him to repentance.

Are these priesthood leaders making the right decisions? The best decisions? Those that will help their members come closest to Christ? I don't know. Is there any way to know? The only evidence I have is of outcome, and the Spirit, and the jury is still out on the former. Some guys make the choice to come back - to change their lives and truly commit to being different. Some turn away. And some of those come back years later.

And then I have the scripture in Romans - the scripture that has been most influential in making my life make sense:

And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose (Romans 8:28).

All things work together for good to them that love God. All things.

In this scripture is a promise - if I will love God and serve Him, everything in my life will work together for good. Everything will be a blessing. And the same thing will happen in the lives of the people I meet each day.

From that perspective, I guess the main thing is whether or not my experiences push me to love God and allow Him to be a part of my life. If I'm close to Him, I could go through anything and it would turn out for my good.

Will You Kiss Me, Mormon Guy?

To the girl I'm dating: If you read this (or one of your girlfriends hears about the conversation, reads the post, and puts two and two together... which would not be ideal in any way)... please don't share it with the world. Please don't let it ruin your life. Hopefully it helps you understand. Either way, I hope you can support me in trying to do what's right.

I just left a heartfelt conversation with the girl I'm dating and feel like... I can't even find a metaphor.

No. Wait. I can find one. But it may not be a metaphor.

I feel like a jerk.

Dating, for me, is hard. I push myself to date because I feel like the Lord wants me to, because it helps me to have faith that someday I'll fall in love and get married, and because I honestly care about people and want to help them feel loved and appreciated... And in the Church, dating is currently the only acceptable way to make friends with girls I don't really know... since hanging out has gotten a bad rap. But I find that dating women, at least in my case, often causes more grief than I could ever imagine.

There are lots of casualties. Some of them I can explain upfront, at the beginning of a relationship, and that at least puts things in perspective. But there's one that rips me apart more than any other, and has probably been the biggest reason I've broken up with girls in the past... and it happens when my lack of physical attraction begins to show through.

I date amazing women. They are smart, beautiful (I'd guess so at least - I'm definitely not a judge in that world), confident, accomplished, caring, and they love the gospel. I have the desire to help them feel loved, and to never do anything to betray their trust. But sometimes those conflict... so there are divergent camps in my mind on how to deal with the physical aspect of dating. One side says to use dating to try new things, and give women the affection they need. Kiss girls I'm not attracted to, and see if I can get anything to work, reverse frog-prince style. I'm not comfortable with that and don't think it matches who I am. Instead, I'm completely honest in my relationships. I try to send clear signals that accurately relate where I stand, and I don't express physical attraction unless it's there. Which means I don't express physical attraction at all. And that's painful.

Today I had a DTR (defining the relationship) talk with the girl I've been dating. It didn't start out as a DTR, but it steadily went in that direction. I could tell that something was on her mind... something important enough that it was keeping her up at night and distracting her from the rest of life... and so I waited for her to ask whatever question she wanted to ask. I think the only question I wouldn't have answered would be about same-sex attraction. We were in a public place, with lots of people... and that's not something I share with anyone anyway... unless the Lord asks me to.

She asked half a dozen questions, and I felt like the questions answers were benign... but there was one at the end... the one that was pressing on her mind:

"Will you kiss me, Mormon Guy?"

Imagine yourself in my shoes. Kissing her would be enough to assuage whatever concerns she had about how much I cared. It would be enough to help her feel okay walking down an incredibly confusing, frustrating path. It would be enough to help her sleep at night and focus on life during the day.

But kissing her, even just once, would betray her trust and make everything far more painful, because of the implication of that kiss.

I'm the kind of guy that feels that kisses shouldn't be given away like pretzels. It has to mean something. That said, I've changed from my pre-mission thoughts that I'd never kiss a girl until she knelt across from me at the altar. As soon as I fall in love, it will definitely happen. But not before.

So I looked at her, felt like a jerk, and told her no. I wouldn't kiss her... at least not at that point in our relationship. It wasn't a shut-down, but it definitely wasn't a kiss. It was a "that's not where I am right now... but if I get there, then it will happen."

As I went home after dropping her off, I found myself wondering. There are few things I hate worse than causing emotional pain through relationships... and dating me does exactly that. So do I just cut off the relationship because I know it will probably not work anyway, to lessen the eventual pain? Do I let her make the decision of how long to keep dating, without showing physical affection beyond courtesy, even though she doesn't really have all the information (like the fact that I live with same-sex attraction)? Do I just keep going until I personally get a feeling that marriage isn't an option and this isn't going to work? Do I try to move the relationship to a "let's be friends?" And if I keep dating her, what are the terms? How often do I ask her out so that I'm not taking all her time or attention...

...and the questions went on and on and on.

The answer I've chosen is a mix of the above. When I feel like asking her out, I'll ask her out. If not, then I won't. And it'll stay that way until I feel strongly about the relationship one way or another.

And as far as her frustration and confusion... there's not a lot I can do right now. If I fall in love, I'll tell her everything I face and let her choose. But that hasn't happened, and, until it does, I care about her too much to betray her with a kiss.

Seeing the Divine

Sometimes, on my low days, I look at my life, and honestly wonder if it's all worth it. Tons of work, effort, fatigue, stress, and everything that I can put in... and this is all I have to show for it? Really? I'm nowhere near where I need to be, and if I'm moving, it's far more slowly than even I can see.

Not that I really have any other option... I already know that swerving from the strait and narrow would only make the road less pleasant, in the long and short run.

But then, sometimes, the Lord shows me a glimpse of what I'm really working towards. A stranger who passes me and stops because he feels compelled to stop... and asks me if I'm okay. Another one who does the same thing. A third on the same street... each of them visibly overcoming the social awkwardness of asking a stranger who looks okay about his life, each of them proof that God's angels are round about me. A prayer answered so clearly and miraculously that I feel uncomfortable telling the story. A friend who calls and asks for a blessing in the middle of the night, and the incredible feeling of love, peace, and power I experience while giving it. Standing in the temple, knowing that in God's eyes, I'm doing my best... and that's all that matters... and that's enough. Sitting under the stars, and realizing that all the stress of life doesn't really matter... the only thing that matters is living the gospel, and helping others do the same.

It's worth it. Giving one blessing of comfort and healing that changes a life forever is worth a hundred sleepless nights of wondering and a thousand prayers of humility and grief. Feeling God work through me, knowing that He will guide and direct and take care of me, is worth giving up all of my dreams, my hopes, and my shallow goals of brilliance and accomplishment. And feeling peace... the peace I feel right now albeit all of life's storms... is worth anything I can give.

God doesn't ask me just to keep His commandments and make a difference in the world. He doesn't expect 10% of who I am, or devotions on the Sabbath and pieces each day along with professional achievements and secular advancement. He wants me to consecrate everything I am, everything I have, and everything I will ever be to Him... and still accomplish everything He expects. And as I do, He blesses me. He gives me the strength to move forward one day at a time, and, sometimes, I get a glimpse of the promises He's made. Brilliant vistas of Heaven and peace beyond comprehension. In return for everything I can give, He promises me all that He has... far more than I could ever give in return.

What Did You Learn at Conference?

I'm sitting here, wondering how I can write a great blog post to follow 10 hours of the words of prophets. I don't think I can. But I can share what I learned.

I felt three major themes at Conference this year: Action, Hope, and Peace. The action was embodied in the half-dozen Christian battle hymns and the calls to repentance and service. Hope, in the stories of miracles and prayers answered. And peace in the simple feeling that came when the Lord assured me that everything would turn out in the end... like when the Mormon Tabernacle Choir sang "Come, Thou Fount."

The Ensign will have all the talks printed, and very soon, if not already, transcripts, audio files, and video will be available at http://gc.lds.org

But until that happens and we can delve into each talk and the meaning it brings in life, what was the general feeling you took away from Conference? What did the Lord teach you... and what did you learn?

Prepare for General Conference.

I don't think that my blog is really worth writing during the next few days. Instead, I'm taking the time to read and listen to each of the sessions from last October's General Conference. It's located here, at LDS.org.

During Conference, you can follow me on Twitter:
Follow @gaymormonguy
Hash tag #ldsconf

The Mask of Anonymity

Elder Cook gave a CES Fireside a few weeks ago that caused me to take pause. I was live-tweeting the event with some of my Twitter friends, using the hash tag #CESFireside. It seemed like it was going to be a good fireside. And then Elder Cook started talking about anonymity. 

The tweet I wrote says, "Elder Cook tells us to avoid any pretext of anonymity. That strikes home. I'm anonymous." And it only began to outline the thoughts that raced through my mind.

Elder Cook's talk focused on how anonymity could give people a mask behind which they could hide their identity... a mask that falsifies their persona and makes it seem like "no one else will know." It's the mask of pornography, of online chat rooms, of nameless hook ups, and one night stands. A mask that turns people into demons. And, in order to combat the issue at hand, he asked us to unmask.

Within the hour, I saw his counsel begin to be applied in the social world. A handful of Twitter accounts changed names to be real ones instead of pseudonyms. Avatars changed to match real people. It's telling that I even noticed; I don't follow anyone on Twitter.

I found myself wondering what this talk meant for me, and, at large, for all of us. Elder Cook did say, "Don't wear your heart on your sleeve or be superficial," but I still found myself wondering if it meant I had to drop my anonymity, if only because I didn't want to be someone who rejects the words of the prophets simply because I don't think they apply.

Before I went to sleep that night, still somewhat distraught, I prayed for guidance... for the ability to understand what Elder Cook meant, and the Lord's will for me.

In doing so, I had to honestly take stock of my emotions. Would I be willing to open my heart and soul and name and family to the world? One part of me could see huge benefits in doing so. It would be far easier, at least if everyone knew... but there's the problem of having to tell people who didn't get it the first time. That's awkward. And being open with the world would make it easier to take a more visual stand for faith. There are a dozen things I can't do anonymously. I could use my experiences, and the faith and testimony I share here, to build my own family and those around me. The more I thought about it, the more I could see pieces making sense... and I realized that, even with the stress it would place on my family, I'd be willing to do it if God asked me to.

But there are also positives to staying anonymous. The ability to help people who've never met me and value anonymity. A better ability to relate to readers can put themselves in my shoes because they aren't distracted by my age, where I live, or what I do each day. Peace in my family's life. I already get enough hate mail; it's nice that I'm the only one who gets it. And the ability to leave my trials behind when I go through my day. I sometimes go days without thinking about this blog, even if I keep my email open to check if someone has a pressing question. And it's awesome that, in most cases, attraction doesn't cross my mind. And no one, obviously, ever brings it up.

I prayed for guidance, listened, and then fell asleep. I've been listening ever since, waiting for an answer to confirm or deny the decision that I made... to keep going forward with faith, in the same path the Lord had already made for me. And then, a few days later, I was listening to some music and "Because I Have Been Given Much" came on.

The words of the song are amazing. I can't quote the whole song here because of copyright issues, but this is the phrase that I had been waiting for:

I shall divide my gifts from Thee
With every brother that I see
Who has the need of help from me.

My gifts from God comprise everything He has given me in life. God only gives gifts (only good fruit comes from a good tree, and good water from a good fountain), and He gives them with the intent that we will do good. But not just haphazardly... according to His design.

That was my answer. Who do I share my gifts with? With every brother that I see who has the need of help from me. I don't need to shout my trials and blessings from the mountaintops. At least not now. I just need to share them with the people I can touch, and God will do the rest.

Elder Cook was speaking to me, and warning me of the dangers of anonymity. Explaining the demons that anonymity could bring. And in the same tone, the Spirit affirmed that the mask that I have on is a different mask. It doesn't make me likely to do or say things I would regret among the people I know and love. I wouldn't cringe to share everything with the world or tie it to my name. And I feel confident that I'm at least trying my best.

CES Fireside Tonight - 6:00 MST - Elder Jensen

There's a CES fireside tonight; Elder Jay E Jensen will be speaking at 6:00 MST to young adults all over the world. You can watch the fireside live at cesdevotionals.LDS.org or get the live audio feed at mormonchannel.org.

I'll probably be tweeting the fireside live. You can follow me on Twitter - @gaymormonguy - and you'll hear from me tonight!

We Are All Enlisted

It's time to lift up your voice in defense of truth and virtue. We are all enlisted... and no matter who you are, today you are called to rise up and share the gospel as it applies to you... to open your mouth and be heard... to speak in the language of your life... and to change the world.

When I first began writing here at (Gay) Mormon Guy, a priesthood leader counseled me to not be a leader - not to form an army or take leadership of people in a place or role where I had no formal authority. But as time has gone on, I've realized that my story isn't enough. At first I thought it was a problem with publicity - maybe if people simply knew about (Gay) Mormon Guy, and read my story, it would help them in some way. In some cases, it does. But in other cases, I can't communicate with people who need help. There is still a huge need for increased exposure to this topic in the world. But even if I were able to write perfectly, and if every LDS guy and girl with SSA read my blog, and everyone else in the world as well, it wouldn't be enough.

The Church, and the world, needs more soldiers of faith - men and women who are willing to do their part to share their stories with the world. It doesn't mean you have to blog about the most personal parts of your life... but if you're a blogger, and you can speak from experience, then maybe you should. It doesn't mean that you need to talk with everyone. But if you're a social butterfly, and you can see people's needs, then you should. You have within you a calling - a place in the Plan of Heavenly Father that will enable you to bless and change and inspire the lives of His children - whether one at a time or en masse. And today you have been called to serve in that capacity by living prophets.

Come, join the ranks of men and women who aren't afraid to share the gospel in everything they do. Who wear their religion on their sleeves and let it shine in their eyes, because it lifts and lights the world. Come, join the ranks of men and women who have personally experienced the power of the Atonement and would do anything to help a brother or sister in need... and as you serve, you will find the true joy of the gospel - not just living a righteous life and having your unmet needs filled by the mercy and grace of God - but the joy that comes from enabling, lifting, teaching, inspiring, helping others to achieve lasting happiness in their lives. God's joy is shared with us when we engage in His work - the work of changing lives, healing hearts, and saving souls.

We are all enlisted. Make the commitment to join, today, and do what you can to serve... because both you and I have a place in the Plan that only we can fulfill.

"To Thine Own Self Be True..." but Who Am I?

A few years ago I realized that I didn't really know who I was... and found myself face-to-face with a question that every Mormon (and most others) faces at some point in life: Who am I?

This wasn't some cute little exercise in existential goalmaking, a short list of the qualities I wanted to assume to become the eventual perfect spouse, or a transcript of the gifts outlined in my Patriarchal blessing... and there wasn't anything pleasant about the process. The conflict took root out of pain and fear and distress, spent years slowly smoldering in the back of my soul, and finally burst out in flames, pitting me between myself... and myself. (I probably could have used less metaphoric flowery language, but that's what came out) 

As you can probably guess, at the core of my distress were two seemingly contradictory sets of core beliefs. The first belief was the now brightly burning flame: "I'm gay, Mormon, unmarried, and having trouble with my social life. I've been on a mission, paid my dues, done everything right, and I'm not happy. And other people tell me I'll never be happy or fulfilled unless I embrace myself for who I am - gay - and give up hope that one day God will 'free me from my trials,' because He won't."

The second belief didn't burn or ask for attention the same way, but it was still there: "I am a child of God, and He has sent me here - to these circumstances, these problems - with the ability to keep the commandments and succeed in returning to Him. If I keep the commandments and strive to follow the Lord, He will take care of me... and I'll be happy and blessed - here in this life, and for eternity."

For a while I lived a double life. I did everything I could in my Church callings, but then found myself fantasizing about guys late at night. It tore me apart when I thought about it, so I tried not to think. I rationalized that I could be extra-righteous in other areas to make up for it. And none of the interventions I tried seemed to work anyway.

And then, one night in prayer, I realized that I had to choose between the two. The smoldering embers had burst into a fire, and I needed to either put it out, or give it room in my heart to change me forever. Am I a son of God, who is willing to do anything He asks me to - anything at all, no matter what the cost? Or do I choose to disbelieve the promptings the Spirit has given me for years and years and years - and rationalize that God will suspend the commandments in my case?

This was the turning point - the point where men turn their backs on God and the Church, the point where other men turn their backs on their families... the point where I could turn away from my faith, or turn to God, away from my own desires and demands. That night I put everything on the altar of sacrifice, and told the Lord I would do anything He asked.

For me, the first hard thing to do was to talk with my bishop. I have pride issues, and Satan convinced me that talking with him would mark me in his eyes, destroy my reputation, hurt my ability to serve others. But none of that happened. I went to him, honestly explained everything, and asked for his help... and he listened, and helped me to be healed. And thus began the process of reclaiming my life and who I was.

Reclaiming who I was wasn't that easy. Over years, beliefs, needs, and addictions had taken root in my heart, and I had to cut them out to begin to be healed. And, perhaps most difficult, I had to believe each day that when I cut out part of my heart, God would make me whole. I had to believe that leaving myself vulnerable, with unmet needs, would give God the room to come more fully into my life.

And, somehow, He did. As I turned to Him and found peace in the little things of the gospel, withdrawal and depression, pain and isolation, ostracism and fear and tears slowly gave way to a new set of beliefs - not only am I a child of God, but each day I can come closer to Him. With Him, I can overcome any trial. And as I come closer to Him, I feel what He feels - joy, fulfillment, peace, hope, faith, love. Today, the gospel, and all its blessings, is true for me.

I'll probably have other beliefs that will compete in my heart for space as life continues - beliefs about who I am, constructions from the world or society that tell me who I should be. But hopefully, in the future, I'll have the foresight to be true to who I really am and pull them out as soon as they begin to strangle the tree of life that is slowly growing in my heart. And, someday... that tree will bear fruit... and I'll be the man God sees deep inside me - perfected, purified, and at peace - in His presence once more.

A (Gay) Mormon Blog

When I started (Gay) Mormon Guy last year, my initial goal was to share my story with other faithful members of the LDS Church whose lives included gay/homosexual/same-sex attraction/same-gender attraction (whatever you prefer calling it) and who wanted help getting out of crisis. My first blog followers came from ads I posted in the gay personals section of Craigslist... located in a few areas with lots of members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I volunteered to be a friend to talk to for those who wanted help being faithful. The subsequent flood of responses via chat and email kept me up for days on end - as the online gay community (and the Internet as a whole) seems to come to life at 9:00 and go to sleep around 3:00.

I found that many guys asked the same questions - background about me and how I resisted temptation... how I felt about the trial... my relationship with God. My blog (Gay) Mormon Guy was created to bridge the gap between sharing facts with a large audience (blog postings) and still having a personal connection (personal emails using the comment function or the email listed at "Contact Me").

For a few months I thought that was it. I got frequent emails and comments from readers - mostly men - who were somewhere on the path with me, and I felt like (Gay) Mormon Guy was doing its part. Partially. With every email and comment, though, I realized that there were many, many more men - especially young men questioning their faith - who might need someone's help and support.

I asked the Lord for guidance, and He told me to ask a member of my stake presidency. I was terrified, but I trusted him, and Him, so I did... and he gave me incredibly pertinent, inspired counsel. As for reaching more people, the Lord told me He would take care of it.

General Conference (October 2010) rolled around and President Packer gave a talk that was interpreted in such a way to create a massive firestorm in the gay community, and the gay Mormon community as well. I wasn't aware of the fireworks until a reader of my blog - a girl named Lauren - asked me what I thought about the talk. I spent the next day watching, re-watching, listening, praying, and reading the talk, then posted "President Packer's Talk... From a (Gay) Mormon Perspective."

Someone posted it to Facebook, and within days hundreds of thousands of people from all over the world had visited my blog at (Gay) Mormon Guy, many "following."

Some of the newcomers were men and women who matched my path, and most weren't. One passionate email said that my blog had "degenerated." He said that he went through the new followers and commented that most looked like "Mormon housewives." I have the deepest esteem for women in the Church who make the decision to sacrifice potential careers, worldly acquisitions, and their own personal agenda to instill a love of the gospel into their children. My mother was one of those women... and I plan to marry one someday. I think motherhood is one of the most important, influential works in the world. They are so much more than housewives.

So my blog changed, and it became a go-to for information on my life perspective as a (Gay) Mormon. I started telling more of my life's story and the day-to-day of my life living with same-sex attraction. The nature of my emails and comments changed, too; I still had people asking for help, but now I sorted through hundreds simply saying thank you.

As time has passed, Google, NothingWavering.org, blogrolls on personal blogs, guest posts, and other aggregators have led a new wave of readers - and they have in common a simple desire to understand and love others. Church members in Malaysia. Atheists in China and Brazil. Jewish ministers in the Midwest, Canada, and Great Britain. Gay men and women from the US. And readers from all over the globe. The emails changed again, adding those asking about helping family members - brothers, sons, fathers, sisters, daughters, mothers, and friends.

Thanks for being here. For opening your hearts and learning to understand what it's like to live life as a (gay) Mormon guy... and especially for sharing your own trials and successes with me. There's nothing better than watching people fall in love with principles of the gospel... and (Gay) Mormon Guy has given me that opportunity.

...A lot has happened in the past few months. A lot has changed. And only God knows what tomorrow will bring.

Being a Christian

Last night at the CES Fireside - a meeting for young adults in the Church, Elder Perry of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles spoke about the importance of helping the world return to the basics of Christianity. The opening and closing songs were "Onward Christian Soldiers" and "Let Us All Press On" - both incredible songs that make my heart race.

As he spoke, I found myself comparing his message to the world I live in. In recent years, the world leaders of Christianity have watched as the world has become more and more permissive, obscene, and dishonest. The laws of broadcast decency have stretched and broken; Christian morals that used to be a basic tenet of society are now called into question on their standing for the public field. Men and women fought on battlefields hundreds of years ago for the right to live their faith - today they fight each other in courtrooms for the right to live without it.

So what can I do? I look at my life - my blog, my family, my colleagues and friends. Except for blog readers, almost everyone I know is Christian. And so the way that I can help them is by sharing the testimony that I have of Christ and His grace in my life. By reminding them of the simple things in life that give us our connection with God. Praying sincerely and honestly. Studying the Holy Scriptures daily. Serving others daily. And turning to God in times of joy and sorrow.

I'm a gay Mormon guy. There are a lot of people who think I'd be happier, better off, and more fulfilled if I were openly gay. But I'm not. And I don't believe what other people tell me. I believe what God tells me and what I can reason with the intellect He has given me. I believe Christ when He promises that He has overcome the world and all the trials I face. As I follow His commandments, He gives me incredible happiness. He gives me peace and hope. It's worth any price. And, someday, when my time on earth is complete, He will make me into a better man than I could ever do alone. By His grace, I will be saved. And that's why I'm a Christian.

Seven Truths I've Learned (From Being a Gay Mormon)

1. God really does answer my prayers.

I used to believe that God wasn't really all-powerful. Not in those words, but I didn't fully believe that just turning to Him could really ease the pain in my life. I've realized that sincere prayer often does more to help me feel loved, understood, valued, and inspired than anything else. I can honestly say that God is my friend; hopefully someday I can also say that I am His.

2. Modern prophets and others receive revelation on my behalf

I love sitting in General Conference or another meeting with my notes out in front of me, the questions I've recently pondered written at the top of the page... and then listening as speaker after speaker explains the Lord's will as if He were speaking directly to me. I sometimes wonder if God spends too much time listening and responding to me as one gay Mormon guy... but then I realize that He can and will do the same for everyone. That's pretty cool.

3. The little things make a big difference

People talk about the importance of studying the scriptures daily, having daily prayer, going to Church... but a huge number of people have trouble actually doing the little things. I've realized that holding on to the word of God is important. When I have the world and my inner demons pulling as hard as they can, I have to do everything possible to stay attached to the gospel.

4. I am the ruler of my destiny

A whole lot of people may say that I am born the way I am and that I can't change. But not being able to change doesn't determine my destiny. Blind men have won Olympic medals. Deaf men have written symphonies. And gay men have fallen madly in love with a woman, married, had children, and lived happily ever after. It takes a whole lot of work. More work than most people think is possible or reasonable. But, with God, all good things are possible. With Him, I can do anything. I'm the ruler of my destiny.

5. I can affect the world

Sometimes I look at the things I do in life - work, free time, social life - and muse about their impact on the world. Honestly, most of what I do doesn't have a huge effect. But when I find a way to lift someone - to inspire them, or to light their eyes with truth, then I realize deep inside that I can affect the world in a meaningful way.

6. Everything works together for the good of them that love and serve God

There have been times when I wanted to die. Literally. But when I turned to God and explained my pain, He always took it away and gave me the injunction to serve others. And as I found ways to serve them, I felt hope. Today I look back on my life, with being Mormon and gay, and can see the hand of God in everything. There are things I've learned from this that I couldn't learn any other way. And, as long as I'm faithful to the end, it will all work out.

7. Life is good

Happiness is partially a choice. I can think optimistically, see the good in the world and others, and try to be up all the time. But happiness is also a gift from God - like it explains at the end of Mosiah 2. "Keep[ing] the commandments of God" is the key to being happy. As long as I'm doing that, nothing else matters.


As an afterthought, I am still sort of uncomfortable calling myself a gay Mormon. If you search for gay Mormons on Google you normally get a lot of people who don't fully believe what the Church teaches - they aren't fully believing Mormons. And the word gay is sometimes used to describe someone who engages in homosexual activities and sometimes used to describe same-sex attraction. In both cases I usually try to be more articulate in my word choice. But my choice has backfired, as I got a message from Google that my blog's main keyword was "Christmas." Hence the rebranding effort.

The Place of Attraction

There's a somewhat heated debate in the faithful & gay world as it relates to attraction in marriage. 

One extreme says that it is the most cruel, evil, dishonest, selfish, sadistic, and everything else thing I could ever do to marry a woman who doesn't take my breath away and make my heart skip a beat with a glance. Those who adhere to that extreme also sometimes use it as a reason why it would be better for me to leave the Church and "find a man."

The other side says, often with decades of experience, that sexual attraction between spouses isn't necessary for a happy, fulfilled, and successful relationship. Then they mention that those who think amazing sexual relations in marriage are crucially necessary for its survival obviously lack the maturity, commitment, and real love to stay married to a spouse who becomes quadriplegic, partially paralyzed, or simply ages poorly.

Since I've recently gotten heated comments from both sides, I thought I would share my viewpoint here.

I believe that the decision to marry, for me and others who live with same-sex attraction, is a personal one. Some men and women will make the righteous decision to live with lifelong celibacy - focusing on how they can help the world as a whole and believing in the promise that they'll find love in the end. Some won't. As far as the criteria for marriage, and how the Brethren feel about it, I agree with what the Brethren have said in an official statement when asked whether male Church members who are attracted to other guys should marry:

"Persons who have cleansed themselves of any transgression and who have shown their ability to deal with these feelings or inclinations and put them in the background, and feel a great attraction for a daughter of God and therefore desire to enter marriage and have children and enjoy the blessings of eternity — that’s a situation when marriage would be appropriate."

So there are three criteria. 

1: "Have cleaned themselves of any transgression" - which extends beyond just repentance for an action; in my mind it means that I have overcome my temptations, have repented, and am living a truly clean life.

2: "Ability to... put the feelings in the background" - I think this shares a key component. The feelings may never completely go away. But deciding to marry is based on how well I can mitigate and act when the feelings are present - to take control of my life and define myself as a son of God even when temptation is there.

3: "Feel a great attraction for a daughter of God" - this is pretty self-explanatory, but, drawing from the statement, it needs to extend to wanting to be married, have children, and share eternity together. Obviously I would never marry someone that I didn't want to share eternity with.

All three components require miracles on the part of the Lord. The miracle of forgiveness, the miracle of strength and faith, and the miracle of falling in love.

So where do I stand? I've seen miracles in my life with forgiveness and change, and I've found strength in the gospel to face my trials. But I haven't felt the last one yet, and so that's what I'm waiting for. In my patriarchal blessing it talks about my future wife and me being completely and totally in love with each other - with nothing in the world able to come between us. I just haven't found the girl of my dreams so that I can become her guy yet. It'll happen eventually; until then, I keep loving, and looking, and living. I wonder what love language she'll have...

Sunday School Marriage Discussions

Somedays I wonder if we really ever talk about anything else.

Today was the first Sunday of the month, which meant that Priesthood meeting today was under the direction of the elder's quorum presidency. Among other things, the discussion turned to preparing for marriage.

If you've read my blog, you know I have strong feelings about the importance of marriage and preparing for it, whether or not it comes in this life. But that realization - that happy, celestial marriages may not be in the mortality for some of the guys in the room - doesn't really hit home in a ward composed of singles... and for most people that realization isn't really relevant to their lives. Most guys who have the desire and work will fall in love with a girl, be married in the temple, and then begin on their rocky journey towards happily ever after. But for some of us the dream is a little fuzzy.

As I expected, as the speaker continued to speak, I saw a handful of guys slowly begin to look at the ground - the look that pretty accurately matches how I sometimes feel in those discussions. I know that some of the guys in my ward feel the same way.

Ultimately, true doctrine is true doctrine, no matter what difficulties or trials I face. I need to prepare physically, mentally, spiritually, financially, emotionally... In every possible way, I need to make sure that I am prepared to be a husband to my future wife and a father to my children.

The amazing thing about the gospel is the universality of gospel principles. Even if I never get married and never have children, I still need to prepare to be a father and husband. In fact, learning those skills will probably be essential in my life.

I guess that's why the Sunday School answers are called Sunday School answers - because, at their root, they're universally applicable. I'm preparing for marriage - preparing to be a husband to my wife, father to my children, and a son to my Father... And in the process I'm coming closer to God.

So My Life Is Awesome

A few comments have drawn my attention to the fact that some of my posts have bemoaned the rejection, betrayal, feeling ignored and misunderstood and everything else that happens in my life. And the comments are pretty accurate - I mean, looking at the facet of my life that appears here on (Gay) Mormon Guy, the last two months have been pretty rough. But I hope that in each of the posts it's obvious that, while my life may be incredibly painful in one aspect, in most aspects my life is awesome. I guess it really isn't as obvious as I thought, so I'll just post about it today.

My life is awesome because I can really love people - guys and girls - as children of God.

My life is awesome because God hears and answers my prayers... not only the spoken prayers at my bedside, but the unspoken prayers of my soul and the prayers I should have prayed. He knows my needs and stands at my side through joy and pain.

My life is awesome because my family really, honestly, loves me and accepts me when I feel totally ignored and alone. They are always there for me, and I love their constant support. A comment someone made today in conversation, "Mormon Guy, the last girl you dated was really nice... Come to think of it, all your girlfriends are really nice." Now if I really had a girlfriend... or someone I could be attracted to.

My life is awesome because I love my ward, my Church, and my faith. My ward is really antisocial compared to others that I've been in, but I'm trying to change that... A conversation here, an activity idea there, suggesting ideas to bishopric and stake presidency members... And trying to help ward members see the importance of building social bonds with members of the ward. Sometimes it feels like we are fighting an uphill battle... And then sometimes it feels like we're family. Today we laughed and talked for hours in small groups, just spending time with one another.

My life is awesome because some of my major personal projects (way too specific to actually mention on an anonymous blog) are finally panning out. I've taken time over the last few months to make a concerted effort, and I'm seeing amazing results.

My life is awesome because I feel awesome. Almost dying has given me a new perspective on life without pain. It is amazing - and the days when I'm somehow able to fulfill my emotional and social needs, I'm on cloud 9. On those days, life is beyond awesome.

My life is awesome because I feel like I am relying more on the Lord for my needs. I don't feel hurt when a bishopric member mentions, in the course of a 5th-Sunday chastity discourse, the importance of "getting the right help" for people with same-sex attraction. I sincerely believe that "the right help" comes from everyday people - guys and girls - who are willing to develop honest emotional intimacy with guys like me - without worrying about stereotypes or whatever. But I'll be okay, and as long as I'm trying to openly love people around me, hopefully I can help them even when I don't know their problems. Statistically, there are probably a handful of guys and maybe a girl or two in my ward who could be reading this blog. I don't know your problems. But know that I love you either way.

And my life is awesome because I am learning tons. From talking with the Lord, piecing together botched relationships, following imperfect leaders, listening to newfound friends, opening my heart to pain and love, and trusting in the Lord in all things.

So yeah. My life is awesome. God designed it - pain and anguish and blessings and trials - uniquely and specifically for me. It is His greatest gift to me - the ideal conditions to help me become perfected in Christ and return to Him. I wouldn't trade it for the world.

One Today at a Time

Elder Christofferson's remarks last night seemed like they were intended specifically for me, in my life. Recently I've been looking at the future and wondering how I will ever be able to understand what happens, live with being attracted to guys, be celibate for as long as God intends, and maybe never really find anyone who can fully understand me other than God Himself.

The story of manna in the wilderness as he recounted it helped me realize that God gives me my daily bread - daily. He doesn't give it to me for a week, or a month, or for the rest of my life. Every single day, He expects me to turn to Him for the spiritual strength to get through the day... and when I have made it through today, then to turn again to Him tomorrow. It's not because He doesn't love me - on the contrary, the Lord gave manna in the wilderness and gives strength in my life to prove to me, each and every day, that He is with me in all things.

It also gives me hope. Sometimes I see men who have decided that, because the mountain of living a faithful life while being attracted to guys looks too hard, they won't take the first step. Or they lose hope and give up halfway when they look forward and see so far to go. The Lord doesn't ask us to conquer the mountain in a day. He just asks us to move forward, and have faith in Him, for today. And then tomorrow, He will give us the strength to overcome whatever faces us on the morrow. I have a hard time being an existentialist, but Elder Christofferson's was essentially teaching the importance of living in the moment - enjoying life and facing the trials of today, today. And then facing tomorrow, tomorrow.

One of the greatest concerns men have that talk with me is this: I don't know how I can stay true for my entire life. How can I resist temptation for that long, especially if I don't get married and face life without a family or a spouse? Even if I try to do what is right, I will always feel like an outcast in the Church since it focuses so heavily on families. How can I do it?

The answer is that, today, I don't have to do it all. I just need to live and work through today. Tomorrow, God will give me the strength tomorrow. But yes, I do not have the strength to face a lifetime of trials today. No one does. Thankfully, God does not ask me to build the walls of Jerusalem in a day, or to change our very being in a moment. The conversion He asks for, while usually dramatic and always life-changing, normally takes place day by day as I live out my life in His service. ... And He promises to give me the strength to live each day, and then to give me strength for tomorrow, tomorrow. Sufficient is the day unto the evil thereof.

Someday I hope to cross over the river Jordan and eat of the corn of the land - to walk in paths of righteousness and have the strength and faith to face the rest of life and see through the darkness to the light. But in the meantime, I'll turn to God, ask Him for my daily spiritual bread, and give thanks for the manna that falls from Heaven as I turn to Him. Tomorrow is tomorrow. And until it comes, I will live my life today... one today at a time.

Deepening Faith: the 11th Day of Christmas

I have some amazing friends who do some pretty cool stuff for the Church. I had a chance to talk with two tonight. They don't work together... But both mentioned recently thinking about core principles in helping others grow... and both had come to the realization I had on Sunday morning - that, in order to help others grow or overcome their trials, we help them deepen their faith in Jesus Christ and develop a greater relationship with God.

I thought it was amazing that both men echoed the same thoughts, across fields, callings, and experiences in life... and amazing that I had heard it twice before. Once on Sunday... and once again just a few days ago. 

I have another good friend who is a General leader in the Church. He's crazy busy, but I visited him this last week and we took time to talk about life in the months since we had seen each other. He talked about his responsibilities, and then we started talking about our shared passion - people, and understanding how to help them grow. As he spoke, I thought about this blog, the struggle I face, and all the issues that surround it. Was there a common theme that I could glean from his experiences working in the councils of the Church? The theme I saw in our conversation was the importance of suiting gospel teaching to the individual... focusing on the good and letting it overshadow and overpower the evil... and how do we accomplish that? By teaching nothing but faith in the Lord Jesus Christ and repentance on His name... and allowing the Spirit to give light and speak according to the understanding of those we love.

That is the answer. And it's what helped me to stay alive. When I felt like life was going to end... when depression, feelings of worthlessness, guilt, pain, and everything else were at their height... how did I survive? I placed my faith in God, deepened my commitment to Him, and as my faith grew, it washed over to help ease my pain. That's how reading the scriptures could help me conquer addiction, and how improving my prayers helped with depression. Better quality temple worship made me a better friend... and finding ways to serve my fellow men gave me hope when days were dark with pain. As I focused on improving my faith where I could, it made up the difference and gave me strength to grow in areas once impossible.

And I moved on... and as my faith has grown, my ability to weather the trials of life has increased. Depression that used to incapacitate me for days now opens a door... and I visit family members or find something positive to do. Feelings of attraction for a guy push me to talk to him and see him as a person instead of an object. And questions for God... before sent to the Heavens without seeming responses, are now often answered in the very moment I pray, or, at most, long before I can ask another mortal.

That's the theme behind every email I send, too... and it feels like it is the theme in every mortal life. It's all just finding ways to increase faith most - finding what will have the greatest impact and moving forward there. It's not discounting the problem, but focusing on faith... and allowing the deepening power of faith to flow in and solve the insolvable, fix the unfixable, and explain the unexplainable. Faith is pretty awesome.

Finding Direction: the 9th Day of Christmas

With my recent conversations with others about (Gay) Mormon Guy I've wondered about my direction here. I started blogging because, 10 years ago, I wished that I could have found someone - anyone - who was a success story in the making. Not someone who had somehow miraculously "changed" and never had to deal with the issue again, but someone who still lived with it, and never gave up hope. I had never heard of anyone like that. And 6 months ago, when I began blogging, I was one of few who openly and actively raised their voices in unapologetic support of the Church and its teachings. There are dozens of ex-Mormon gay blogs, anti-Mormon gay blogs, and gay Mormon blogs that condone living "your own version of the law of chastity." But what I needed - clear and unapologetic doctrine, hope, and understanding... didn't seem to be available.

I never wanted clinical counseling - it never seemed like a clinical problem. The issue I faced was a choice of will - whether I would give in to temptation or not. Evergreen, NorthStar, and the rest of the unofficial therapy groups that proclaimed their perfection for gay Mormon men and women... never seemed to have what I felt I needed. And other groups (whose names will definitely stay unmentioned) claimed to be for gay Mormons, when in actuality they were as anti-Mormon and pro-promiscuity as possible.

Someday I hope that the need I felt - and the need I am trying to fill with (Gay) Mormon Guy - will find its expression with the strength of the body and within the official channels of the Church... because those are the two things I lack. I can't be a best friend to everyone who needs one. I have a hard time finding and making friends in the first place. And, while I can share my own personal experience and testimony, nothing I say of my own accord is official doctrine of the Church that I love.

I asked yesterday if I should stop blogging here - if it was time to move on with my life - and testimony after testimony bore witness to me of the importance of sharing my witness with the world... trusting in God... and doing my part in the field in which I've been called. The Lord gave me the ability to write, to see His hand in all things, and the strength to conquer my trials each day. All He asks is that I give thanks and share the good news - that peace, happiness, and hope come from living the principles of the gospel and keeping the commandments.

I guess I should have known that He would say that. Press forward with a steadfastness of hope, having a love of God and of all men. At least for now, that's my direction and resolution for the coming year.

"Be Yourself:" the 8th Day of Christmas

A few weeks ago my social life was falling apart. I have never had good friends my age who understand me and stay an active part of my life. I find someone that maybe could fit part of that role, and then they decide to move a thousand miles away, life moves us apart in time and place, or they turn to me one day and tell me to get lost. Don't get me wrong - I have amazing mentors and role models and leaders who will do anything for me - but it's not the same. I've never had friends my age for longer than a few months. And days like today make me wonder if it will ever change.

I met with my priesthood leader today... and I'm torn between wanting to explain the details of our conversation - so you understand his motivation in what he did - and wanting to keep the confidence he indirectly requested. Even though we may never become good friends, and he may never read this post or GMG again, integrity and loyalty are more important to me in relationships (even tenuous ones) than anything else... so I'll just go on.

I've talked with a number of friends recently, trying to identify what it is about me that is so repulsive. I can write something that appeals to hundreds of thousands of people... So what makes those same people, when they begin to get to know me, instantly reject me as an option to be a friend? Most of my recent friends were unwilling to give me any feedback - claiming they didn't know me well enough or that there wasn't anything inherently bad... but finally someone told me: I love people intensely, and most people don't want intense relationships. 

As I look at my life, I understand the truth of that statement. I call or text people every time I think of them. Most people want friends who will call them every so often. I invite people to everything I do - extending the invitation whether or not they will accept. They want people who only invite them to some things. When my friends are sick, I make them soup, put their names on the temple prayer roll, and coordinate with leaders to ensure they receive blessings. Most people want friends who will ask once how they're doing... but won't actively try to understand their needs or their soul. I pray for my friends by name, try to find them the best surprise Christmas presents, attend their concerts and learn their trades. Ultimately, when I find a friend, I open my entire heart and soul to him, and, subconsciously, take the steps to unlock and understand his as well... and because of that, I am intense.

In recent years I've put more and more effort into trying to appear less intense so that people accept me. I've had lists of conversation topics (and blacklists), taken courses on direct and indirect communication, talked with communication experts, logged interventions, and asked the Lord for help. But there has been no appreciable change. I'm thinking, honestly, that I may have Asperger's and simply have a different way of processing relational information.

It was with this understanding, and not really sure what to expect, that I met my bishop again today. He, too, asked me not to blog our conversation... But I will tell you that he had prayerfully prepared... and I will share one piece of inspired counsel he gave that was an answer to years of prayer: when you are trying to find good friends, be yourself.

I had asked him part of the list I made - for help finding good friends - people who wouldn't tell me to change who I was, wouldn't be afraid or discomfited by my intensity, and could actually, maybe, become good friends. He listed off a few names, then turned to me with the familiar look in his eyes of a Priesthood Leader who has received truth from God... and told me to be myself.

Before my mission, I never really had to make relationships work. I had tons of acquaintances and, somehow, found ways to fill my needs, or ignore them, by being busy in my life. But when I entered the MTC I realized that my intensity was the biggest stumbling block in trying to become friends with the people I loved. I began trying to develop social skills... always assuming that, because something in my character was incompatible with others, I had the burden of change. I started by trying to understand exactly what I was "supposed" to be doing in a given friendship and then doing it - making friendship like a dance or a game of cards or a counseling session. And while sometimes I was able to find temporary "friends" that way, they never understood me... and the friendships inevitably failed as I realized that I was tired of the dance and wanted real friends, or they saw beyond the facade and promptly rejected me. No one has ever made the jump from dance-friend in a carefully structured relationship... to true friend who loves and accepts me for who I am... and strives to understand and meet my own needs. No one my age has ever made the jump to true friend at all.

The stark contrast hit me - and I realized that this was my ultimate choice. I could try to love people less and pretend that I don't want to be involved in the intimate details of their lives - perhaps finding more people who will accept a faux me... or I can be true to the intensity that is an integral part of who I am, and with the hope of finding someone who will accept me, risk complete rejection and pain at every turn.

As I write this post, I realize that part of my lot in life is to know what it means to be friendless. Curled up in a ball, crying for peace, the Lord has taught me the importance of turning to Him before anyone else - anyone - and shown me how I can be a friend to those in need even if they can never reciprocate. He has answered my prayers for peace and guidance when no one else could... and I am grateful for the relationship that I have slowly developed with Him. I don't know if I will ever find true best friends. I mean, I believe I'll find a wife someday, and she will be my best friend first... but decades of trying hasn't worked before. How will this run be different from the last time, when I met utter rejection in the face?

Maybe it won't work, and part of my trial is learning how to be honest and true to who I am... even without friends - sort of like staying true to the law of chastity that I covenanted with God to keep in His temple, even when everyone around me tells me I'm a fool.

Either way, I know my direction... and I know that God will take care of me. He does miracles in my behalf, and He will make it right.

Spiritual Paradox: the 4th Day of Christmas

I like to have all the right answers. But today a guy asked me a question that made my blood run chill. "What would you do if God commanded you to find a husband?"

I told him I honestly didn't know, and the conversation shifted to safer topics. I tried to convince myself that God couldn't do such a thing, as it went against everything I had ever known to be true. But in the back of my mind I wondered about my unanswered question. What would I do? As I thought, I realized that my question was about more than just gay marriage - it cut to the core of living life by the Spirit and following counsel received by prophets. What would I do if the Spirit prompted me to do something contrary to the teachings of the prophets - anything at all? It may never happen. But it has - Nephi was commanded to kill Laban. Abraham was commanded to kill Isaac. And black men were prompted to ask for the Priesthood before the Lord had made it possible. God could prompt me to do anything at all. What would I do?

I know that God will answer any personal question with a personal answer... and so this afternoon I asked Him to help me answer this one - if not for me, for anyone who feels torn between promptings of the Spirit and the teachings of the prophets... torn between wanting to follow God's personal counsel, and knowing how to follow it.

The first thing that came to mind was the importance of knowing the voice of the Spirit. Even the devil can appear as an angel of light... so my first step would be determining if the revelation truly came from God... and would involve a whole lot of fasting, prayer, scripture study, temple attendance, blessings, and meditation.

If the answer still held, and God still prompted me to move forward, I'd go on to the next step. Elder Uchtdorf's talk on divine lines of communication this conference emphasizes that all revelation and truth can and must be reconciled using two lines of communication. That is why we have two lines - so that, in difficult situations where issues are unclear, we can receive revelation from multiple sources.

So I would check using the Priesthood line - talk with my bishop, stake president, and anyone else who could receive revelation on my behalf. I'd explain the situation honestly and sincerely, and ask them to pray and confirm what I had learned from God.

If my Priesthood leaders confirmed what came through the personal line, then I would go forward with faith. If they did not, then suddenly I would be faced with a spiritual paradox. The Spirit tells me to do one thing; the leaders of the Church tell me to do another. Which do I follow?

This is the heart of the matter - do I follow God or His Church?

As I thought through this question, I was reminded of the many talks this conference that referenced the 14 truths about the prophet. Among them, the prophet can speak on any topic... and the prophet will never lead the Church astray. Ultimately this question, and my ultimate loyalty, hinges on one question - whether the Church is truly God's Church, and whether Thomas S. Monson is His prophet. Because if the Church is true, and Thomas S. Monson is a prophet, then what he teaches is true... and the Church has the authority and responsibility to guide how I live my life to enable me to receive salvation. In that case, the right thing to do will always be within the bounds that the Lord has set through His prophets. And if the Church isn't true? Then I have a much bigger problem.

I know that Thomas S. Monson is a prophet... and I know the Church is true. I've asked, and God answered me... and so I know that God will never lead His prophet astray, and that His prophet has the authority to receive revelation on my behalf. So what would I do? I would continually check the personal line of revelation and do what the faithful black members of the Church did as they waited for the Priesthood. I would follow God's commandment to me as far as I could within the doctrine of His prophets... and then I would wait for God to make the next move.

But my waiting wouldn't be for the Church to change - it would be to receive guidance in my own life to do what was right, paired with a willingness to submit to all His commandments, and prayers for God's oracles. Maybe He would change doctrine... and maybe He would change the commandment He gave me...

Commandments aren't always given with the express purpose of keeping them. I would try to look beyond His commandment and understand its purpose, since God gives me commandments to teach me critical principles of the gospel. In the scriptures there are examples of commandments the Lord never intended His children to keep. Abraham was not commanded to kill Isaac so that Isaac would die; he was commanded to test his faith and prove to himself that he would follow God in all times and in all places. That didn't change the commandment, though... or the requirement for Abraham to be completely willing to follow God no matter what. In my own life the Lord has often given me directions that seemed confusing or strange, only to change directions again in the future.

And so perhaps the commandment was given, not to be fulfilled, but to point me in the direction the Lord needs me to go, today, in order to accomplish His will. Maybe having the goal in mind to keep His commandment would enable me to be a better missionary and share the gospel, or motivate me to become a better person as a whole, so that God could give me more direction.

Ultimately, if God commanded me to do anything against the doctrine of the Church, and I knew the prompting came from God, then I would follow His commandments. I'm grateful to know that the Lord has called a prophet today who speaks to God on my behalf... and that the onus of receiving guidance from the Lord is not mine alone. I would follow the promptings the Lord had given me as far as I could within the guidelines set by the prophets... and then wait and pray to see what God did next in my life - if He changed the doctrine and commandments of His Church, wanted me to simply wait and learn patience, or if He turned me in another direction once I had learned the lessons I needed to learn by moving forward.

It all comes back to that - if the Lord has established His Church as an authority here on the Earth, and if He is guiding the Church through a modern prophet, then I can and must follow the teachings of the prophet to the ends of the Earth, for, in God's words, a prophet's teachings are the words of the Lord, and the prophet is given the ultimate authority to receive revelation in my behalf. If he is a true prophet, then his counsel, as the authoritative voice of the Lord, will always be the ultimate will of the Lord in my life. With that knowledge, I have a lens to see how to follow God's commands in my life.

Thank Heavens for answers to prayers... what began as an awful question became an opportunity to learn an important principle for my life. Whenever I receive any commandment from the Lord, I will do my best to follow it and all the commandments God has given - melding my prompting within the bounds that He has set through His prophets. I will follow Him with faith, and He will take care of the rest.

EDIT:
I forgot one sort of important part. At the moment I realized I would have to wait for God to give further direction - either to me or His prophet, I wondered how that would work. The answer - "You don't receive doctrine for the Church... and so that is not your concern. Keep my commandments, follow the prophet, and I'll take care of everything else."