Sunday, December 19

Yesterday I Wanted to Die. Today I Have a New Life.

If there's anything I learned from my experience yesterday, it's that I place way too much stock in how others think of me. And when I think about it, it's still true. Deep inside my heart... No, more like right on the top, I want people to like me, to love the gospel, to gain the attributes that will help lead them closer to Christ. And realizing that I am still a novice in anything social is more than a bit unnerving.

And I was reminded that God loves me. In every way possible, the Lord told me that He loved me yesterday. Strangers walked up to me on the street and gave me hugs, or texted me and thanked me for a random thing I had done in their lives. Friends and family members called to check on me. Many of you posted comments or wrote personal messages. And a member of my Bishopric felt prompted to come by my house to see if I needed anything. Thank you...

I gave up my anger and tried to understand - to figure out what I could do so that I wouldn't push more people away. I learned that some people think I'm too friendly. Others blame the fact that I skip smalltalk, or that I'm overly confident and direct in showing people I care about them. And another said that treating everyone like my best friend could be the reason. Then the Lord gave me two thoughts... Both of which have made me think.

The first was echoed by some of you - don't worry about what other people think... Life isn't between you and others... Love people unconditionally even when they reject you... Rely on the Lord to know what you are doing right and wrong - not someone else's judgment... This was what helped me realize how little self-esteem I had at the moment. At least at that moment, everything in my life revolved around others... including my own personal self-worth. That places way too big a burden on others... and will ultimately fail. People can't meet all my needs, and I should rely on God anyway.

The other thought, which I haven't entertained much, is how much easier it would be to navigate life and avoid difficulties in communication if I could simply lay down all the cards on the table: if I and everyone else could honestly share our griefs, pains, trials, and sorrows with others so that they could better understand our needs and we theirs. It's the first time I've actually pondered merging my two worlds into one - putting a name and face to Mormon Guy and using my attraction to guys as a reason to who I am in real life. For the first time, I wasn't concerned about the impact it would have on my family, or on how people would think of me. I mean, I keep a blog on being spiritual and attracted to guys. I'm committed to staying clean for a girl even when part of me says she doesn't exist and I'll never find her. What girl wouldn't kill for a husband like that? Seriously, though, I feel peace about who I am, the growth and spirituality repentance in my life, and the work I'm doing in my part of the field. The only thing that made me wonder, is wondering if that choice - to become a public figure with a name instead of a cool pseudonym (It even shows up at the top of alphabetical lists! How's that for cool?) - would help or hinder the work and my own ability to serve in the Church and my workplace/chosen field. Right now it doesn't feel like the right choice. But it's a choice-- one that hasn't been in the past.

I don't know what will happen with my relationship with this Priesthood leader. I knew I wouldn't see him today, so I texted him (I think I may stop texting... or at least stop texting when I could call or talk in person the next time I see someone...) the following message: "[Name] - I hated you this morning...But I wanted to let you know that I forgive you and I'm sorry. Don't share this link with anyone [link to this blog]." I didn't know what to do except be completely honest with him - to lay all the cards on the table. I don't know if he'll follow the link, or if coming to (Gay) Mormon Guy will solidify my being a creep... but something inside me said I should give him that chance - the chance to see me in a totally different world... where maybe he would realize that at least my creepiness was unintended and totally benign. Whatever happens - if I find a friend who is willing to help me through life or someone who wants lots of space - I'll be okay. Really. Today was better than yesterday, and tomorrow is a new day.


  1. I'm so glad that you are feeling better and that you had the courage to express your feelings to him.

    And by the way. I know you don't know me, but I would definitely be catagorized among those girls who would "kill for a husband like that." It's top of the list...

    You're doing well brother. Keep up the faith. Thank you for your post.


  2. I think that was great that you gave that man another chance....a chance to realize just what he is doing when he speaks up...that if he knew the story he think differently. However, I hope you can trust that he won't share the link with anyone. That would open up a whole different set of issues. I'm just looking out for you.

  3. I will pray that you giving him that link isn't a start to a wildfire in your ward, and potentially, to the news people you had talked about before.

    I can see where coming out with your ssa might be a step in the direction you seem to prodding at, but I don't know that you should attach your face to this blog. I have a strong feeling that it is something you really dont want to do.

  4. Nuts, buddy. This is something relevant to what I just posted the other day, trying to get back into blogging. I faced death honestly. And a week later I'm still shell shocking like the ninja turtles.

  5. We all have our ups, and sometimes our downs. I'm glad that people felt the promptings of the spirit and came to see you. Remember the great comforter will always be there for you.

  6. I don't think you should have shared the link with him...he doesn't understand. More than anything now, he does not want to be your friend, and is scared because you are attracted to him. His homophobia will not be overcome by you being more open to him (through your blog) about him explicitly.
    I only say these things because I now know your blog because of your sharing the link with him, and through his friends, I was able to hear about you. I think I have even met you, so I don't know if that's a good thing either. It's good to share, other times, it's good to just move on and not bother with someone who doesn't feel the same way or relate to what you feel and believe.

  7. Anonymous:

    When I shared the link with him, I was definitely aware that I was opening the door to whatever choices he made. With the message I sent, I asked him to keep the link in his confidence... which in my experience in the Church is one of the most important duties of leaders. Until I learn otherwise, proof in hand, I'll believe that he was true to his duties over anonymous comments on my blog.

    I didn't send the link to become his friend. And as far as being attracted to him, in his case I just wanted a friend. I've learned that at least one thing the Lord asks me to do in life is to invite people to change. Often it's simply by existing; something about me brings up the dichotomies in the world and gives people the opportunity to grow. When I felt like I needed to send him the link, it wasn't for my sake that I sent it - it was for his. And while I hope and pray that he, and everyone, can grow through difficult circumstances and come closer to Christ, the Lord has never taken away the pain or possibility of being rejected and betrayed. I believe in the inherent goodness of my brothers, and I'll continue to believe, even if they forget themselves. That's how I've always understood charity. I feel peace about everything involved - the Lord has taken care of me in the past, and He will continue to take care of me in the future.

    Thanks for your comment. If it's honest and sincere, then I'm grateful you were willing to share. If not, at least it helped me realize the peace I feel notwithstanding the potential tempest brewing in my life.


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