When I first asked a priesthood leader for advice on sharing the gospel in the gay Mormon community, his advice was simple. Don't betray your anonymity.
Looking back, his advice was inspired and wise beyond his own experiences. I've had the opportunity to share and process my story out loud here on (Gay) Mormon Guy without having to worry about how it would impact my social, church, or professional life. The few times I shared my feelings with people close to me, I realized how far our world still needed to go.
But that world is changing.
20 years ago, openly coming out while in the Church often meant that you were giving up on the gospel. It came at the end of a long, isolating road of self-mastery, addiction, faith, courage, repentance, and finally despair. And it also often meant that you had come to a decision to engage in homosexuality.
Today, the story can be different. You can be like Josh Weed, who shared his story as a way of reaffirming his faith and in order to help others on the same path. Or like Ty Mansfield, who went so far as to write a book on his feelings. Most stories don't get picked up by the Associated Press like theirs did... but ultimately you can be like any of a number of other men and women - single, married, old, young - who have joined their voices in sharing their testimony of the gospel.
The world hasn't finished changing... which means that sharing this story with the world isn't the right choice for everyone. There are some families that would still disown a son for sharing his mind... friends who would never talk to him again... and others who would judge him as a sinner without ever asking.
But, in some places, at some times, the darkness can disappear. And shining that light of hope on the world makes people better - both those in and outside of the issue at hand.
To help people share that message, the NorthStar community has begun a project called Voices of Hope. Building off the anthology of the same name, the Voices of Hope project aims to enable people to share their testimony that the gospel of Jesus Christ really does have the power to save... and to bring happiness, authenticity, hope, satisfaction, and peace in this life, regardless of circumstance. Voice of Hope is a conversation - built around essays, videos, comments and questions submitted by people all over the world, we hope it will become another place to feel the truth of the gospel as it applies to homosexuality. We hope that it will be a part of the force to change the world - to show everyone involved that it is possible - and even preferable - to find salvation in the gospel.
The link to the project is here.
Voices of Hope Project
I'm not sure what this means for my own anonymity. Over the last few years, there have been a million thoughts in my mind... and I can see more and more the positive aspects that would come from combining the different aspects of my life.
But I keep my anonymity because of that first piece of inspired counsel years ago. Which means I will definitely need some type of divine confirmation before I do anything else. :)
Sunday, September 23
Wednesday, September 19
It's So Easy
It's so easy to be bitter
When the world won't understand
When the people passing by
Don't think to lend a helping hand
It's so easy to be angry
When people walk away
As if friendship never happened
When we were best friends yesterday
It's so easy to be tired
When I've fought and bled and won
And the world, blind to triumph
Only sees a job undone.
It's so easy to be lonely
In a crowd of those I love
When their feelings stay below
And their topics stay above
It's so easy to be fearful
When I try to give my all
And find I traded hope for failure
Balance for a fall
It's so easy to be hopeless
When the world falls apart
And I'm left alone and brooding
With just a broken heart
It's not easy to be hopeful
But I know that God is real
And, somehow, there is purpose
In the way I think and feel
It's not easy to be faithful
But He gives me strength to try
And as I make it through one moment
Another one goes by
It's not easy to be loving
When it brings so high a cost
But love makes people better
They are better loved than lost
It's not easy to be zealous
When I'm never paid for zeal
But just believing in the future
Can transform the way I feel
It's not easy to be peaceful
But in storms I find respite
In whirlwinds, a nexus
In darkened ways, a light
It's not easy to be happy
Or to learn to really laugh
But that's what life is all about -
Finding joy along the path.
I don't think that life is easy.
And yet I still forget the cost of letting life choose for me how I feel until I've lost something I value - something beautiful I've found along the twisting, turning pathway to Heaven from the ground.
I am the author of my feelings.
But that doesn't mean it's easy.
When the world won't understand
When the people passing by
Don't think to lend a helping hand
It's so easy to be angry
When people walk away
As if friendship never happened
When we were best friends yesterday
It's so easy to be tired
When I've fought and bled and won
And the world, blind to triumph
Only sees a job undone.
It's so easy to be lonely
In a crowd of those I love
When their feelings stay below
And their topics stay above
It's so easy to be fearful
When I try to give my all
And find I traded hope for failure
Balance for a fall
It's so easy to be hopeless
When the world falls apart
And I'm left alone and brooding
With just a broken heart
It's not easy to be hopeful
But I know that God is real
And, somehow, there is purpose
In the way I think and feel
It's not easy to be faithful
But He gives me strength to try
And as I make it through one moment
Another one goes by
It's not easy to be loving
When it brings so high a cost
But love makes people better
They are better loved than lost
It's not easy to be zealous
When I'm never paid for zeal
But just believing in the future
Can transform the way I feel
It's not easy to be peaceful
But in storms I find respite
In whirlwinds, a nexus
In darkened ways, a light
It's not easy to be happy
Or to learn to really laugh
But that's what life is all about -
Finding joy along the path.
I don't think that life is easy.
And yet I still forget the cost of letting life choose for me how I feel until I've lost something I value - something beautiful I've found along the twisting, turning pathway to Heaven from the ground.
I am the author of my feelings.
But that doesn't mean it's easy.
Sunday, September 16
Coming Out and Staying In
I finally read Joshua Johansen's FAIR address on navigating the labyrinth of homosexual desire. Yeah - I know - for someone involved in the gay Mormon world, I'm a bit late to the game.
But his article, combined with recent questions in my own mind, made me wonder about my place in this discussion. Right now, this blog and this aspect of my life run far below the rest of my priorities. I don't spend huge amounts of time thinking engaged in the conversation - this post even came as an afterthought.
But maybe that should be different.
Right now, in the Mormon Moment, the world is also making decisions that affect me and the rest of us who profess faith along with same-sex attraction. And being silent in that conversation means being regarded as nonexistent. Impossible. Immaterial.
And I find myself wondering what would happen if we were able to switch. If, instead of relegating sinners to the back rooms, we openly embraced their stories of coming to the light. If we created places of refuge where men and women could find solace from their temptations and inspiration on how to conquer the natural man. If the Church became a support group for sinners.
Nothing in the doctrine would have to change. In fact, we preach the imperfection of man each week over the pulpit. We would simply put those preachings to practice outside the walls of ecclesiastical counsels.
I wonder if this - and the term I'm using is "Coming Out and Staying In" - wouldn't be far more effective than what we currently do. Coming out - openly admitting your faults. Staying in - openly committing to the path of faith. What if more of us honestly accepted our failings, put ourselves on an open trajectory to being better, and then shared that vision with the world? For those who smoke or drink or want to change their diets, connecting with those around you is essential. For those who want to change in other ways, it is just as important. And I feel like our current methodology - as part of underlying culture - forces people to try to change on their own... without the support of people who could help them fight the battles they face.
I don't know what it will take. But something inside me makes me wonder. What if?
But his article, combined with recent questions in my own mind, made me wonder about my place in this discussion. Right now, this blog and this aspect of my life run far below the rest of my priorities. I don't spend huge amounts of time thinking engaged in the conversation - this post even came as an afterthought.
But maybe that should be different.
Right now, in the Mormon Moment, the world is also making decisions that affect me and the rest of us who profess faith along with same-sex attraction. And being silent in that conversation means being regarded as nonexistent. Impossible. Immaterial.
And I find myself wondering what would happen if we were able to switch. If, instead of relegating sinners to the back rooms, we openly embraced their stories of coming to the light. If we created places of refuge where men and women could find solace from their temptations and inspiration on how to conquer the natural man. If the Church became a support group for sinners.
Nothing in the doctrine would have to change. In fact, we preach the imperfection of man each week over the pulpit. We would simply put those preachings to practice outside the walls of ecclesiastical counsels.
I wonder if this - and the term I'm using is "Coming Out and Staying In" - wouldn't be far more effective than what we currently do. Coming out - openly admitting your faults. Staying in - openly committing to the path of faith. What if more of us honestly accepted our failings, put ourselves on an open trajectory to being better, and then shared that vision with the world? For those who smoke or drink or want to change their diets, connecting with those around you is essential. For those who want to change in other ways, it is just as important. And I feel like our current methodology - as part of underlying culture - forces people to try to change on their own... without the support of people who could help them fight the battles they face.
I don't know what it will take. But something inside me makes me wonder. What if?
Jealousy
I met a really handsome guy yesterday, and we had a chance to talk a bit about life.
He had it all put together. Goals for his future, totally in love with his newlywed wife, both of them beaming from the inside out...
As our conversation progressed, I found myself feeling a mixture of admiration and happiness for this guy. You know the feeling you get when you meet someone who is honestly a good person, through and through? That's how I felt.
You don't become an honestly good person unless you make good choices, consistently, in the face of major trials... I don't know what trials he's faced, but I could tell that he was a really good guy.
As the conversation ended and we parted ways, I found myself reflecting on my own life... and inevitably comparing myself to him. Not always useful. I know. But it happened anyway.
He's blissfully married... and I'm not. I don't have a woman at my side who shares my love and thoughts and dreams. Right now I don't even have a girlfriend. He has his life planned out... I have some direction for my life, but nowhere near that amount.
But the part that hit me hardest was on spirituality.
I'm usually the stalwart guy who has faith all put together. But over the last little while, pieces of my life have been falling apart. Everything from physical health to professional direction to social environments has gone through complete overhaul... and somehow in the midst of the chaos I lost what was most important to me. My prayers became shorter and less fervent. My scripture study got tacked on late at night or not at all. And those two set a shaky foundation that eventually dropped everything else from its place. I'm even realizing, as I write, that I forgot to pay my tithing.
I'm not at rock bottom. I mean, I have a complete and sure knowledge of Christ, of His Church, and of the blessings that come through exercising faith. I know that those who keep the commandments receive all the blessings that God has promised.
I just lost sight of that.
Thankfully, though, I know how to go back. Take time every day to really, sincerely pray... to lay out my life on the altar before God and work out my salvation with Him. Study the scriptures and keep them close... have them become the first place I turn when a moment is free, and the first place I go when a question arises. I just have to put the habits I spent so long learning back into place.
I'm not sure if what I feel is true jealousy. I want what this guy has - a happy family, direction in life, and an unwavering connection with God. But I know how to get there... and our conversation was enough to help me realize where I'm lacking and which way to go.
He had it all put together. Goals for his future, totally in love with his newlywed wife, both of them beaming from the inside out...
As our conversation progressed, I found myself feeling a mixture of admiration and happiness for this guy. You know the feeling you get when you meet someone who is honestly a good person, through and through? That's how I felt.
You don't become an honestly good person unless you make good choices, consistently, in the face of major trials... I don't know what trials he's faced, but I could tell that he was a really good guy.
As the conversation ended and we parted ways, I found myself reflecting on my own life... and inevitably comparing myself to him. Not always useful. I know. But it happened anyway.
He's blissfully married... and I'm not. I don't have a woman at my side who shares my love and thoughts and dreams. Right now I don't even have a girlfriend. He has his life planned out... I have some direction for my life, but nowhere near that amount.
But the part that hit me hardest was on spirituality.
I'm usually the stalwart guy who has faith all put together. But over the last little while, pieces of my life have been falling apart. Everything from physical health to professional direction to social environments has gone through complete overhaul... and somehow in the midst of the chaos I lost what was most important to me. My prayers became shorter and less fervent. My scripture study got tacked on late at night or not at all. And those two set a shaky foundation that eventually dropped everything else from its place. I'm even realizing, as I write, that I forgot to pay my tithing.
I'm not at rock bottom. I mean, I have a complete and sure knowledge of Christ, of His Church, and of the blessings that come through exercising faith. I know that those who keep the commandments receive all the blessings that God has promised.
I just lost sight of that.
Thankfully, though, I know how to go back. Take time every day to really, sincerely pray... to lay out my life on the altar before God and work out my salvation with Him. Study the scriptures and keep them close... have them become the first place I turn when a moment is free, and the first place I go when a question arises. I just have to put the habits I spent so long learning back into place.
I'm not sure if what I feel is true jealousy. I want what this guy has - a happy family, direction in life, and an unwavering connection with God. But I know how to get there... and our conversation was enough to help me realize where I'm lacking and which way to go.
Sunday, September 9
Mission Memories
I read from one of my mission journals today - the one stuffed with letters written to me by my companions. I had intended to simply look up the first and last name of an elder I served with... and then an hour had passed.
I miss my mission.
I miss the people, having a companion to talk to even if we never really understood each other (and that was almost always the case), the clear direction in exactly what to do each day...
I've had far more missionary experiences since I got home. I realize that the mission is designed to help you develop skills to apply in the rest of life.
Hopefully I learn to apply them.
Either way, I will be forever grateful that I had the opportunity to serve.
I miss my mission.
I miss the people, having a companion to talk to even if we never really understood each other (and that was almost always the case), the clear direction in exactly what to do each day...
I've had far more missionary experiences since I got home. I realize that the mission is designed to help you develop skills to apply in the rest of life.
Hopefully I learn to apply them.
Either way, I will be forever grateful that I had the opportunity to serve.
Wednesday, September 5
Karma
I've never really been a fan of the statements that encourage men and women to be good only so that the world returns that goodness. "What goes around comes around," and even the Bible's "Cast your bread upon the water" make me wonder about the motivation, and lack thereof, of humanity.
I don't dispute the eventual reality of those statements. The scriptures are replete with examples of goodness being returned for goodness, and evil for evil. That's the whole point of our teachings on the last judgment. But I don't feel comfortable with obedience to commandments solely for the hope of eventual blessings.
Homosexuality is a good example - (and one that is ever pertinent to this blog...) partially because many of the blessings promised may not even come in this life. And, at least in my case, having a hope that in 100 years everything will work out is difficult to apply to the day-to-day.
People who claim that those who follow gospel principles instead of finding another guy are making huge sacrifices usually aren't exaggerating. The sacrifices are considerable. From the gospel perspective, you're expected to refrain from all activity that could stimulate homosexual feelings - and that list, while definitely encompassing the normal expressions of dating, may be long depending on the person. You may never get married, fall in love with a member of the opposite sex, have a family... and, perhaps with purpose, many of the men I've met have a stronger desire for a family than the norm. Giving that up is, for some men, an Abrahamic trial. From a societal perspective, you're expected to be honest with girls you date - even if you don't share your life story in the first conversation - and there are plenty of people who vocally denounce anyone who even tries that route. If marriage doesn't come, it brings with it potential social stigma, tons of questions... Perhaps the greatest sacrifice, though, is giving up our fear of the unknown. When you've never fallen in love and live in a Church where eternal families are essential to mortal progression and happiness (and where women are often mentioned with condolences when they are unmarried, while men... usually are not), being willing to believe the promise that God will make everything right - not just in the future, but as life unfolds - is hard.
So what's the solution? I definitely can't claim to have any of the answers but for my own life, but, in my case, I've found that goodness naturally brings its own constant rewards. Not some gift from the cosmos, but in that being good makes life inherently better somehow.
Serving someone else, even if they never know or acknowledge it, gives me context into my own trials. Keeping the commandments somehow makes me closer to God - even when I keep the mundane ones like following the laws of the land. And as I choose to follow God into frustrating and unknown paths, I learn important lessons about myself and Him - something the world could never give me.
I think that if I were better at focusing on being good - not just doing good, or acting good, but truly becoming a new creature in Christ - many of the difficulties I face would simply fall into place. And while I'm sure that eventually the universe will repay goodness with goodness, that often seems a long ways away. I'm not really content with having to wait until death to be happy.
I don't dispute the eventual reality of those statements. The scriptures are replete with examples of goodness being returned for goodness, and evil for evil. That's the whole point of our teachings on the last judgment. But I don't feel comfortable with obedience to commandments solely for the hope of eventual blessings.
Homosexuality is a good example - (and one that is ever pertinent to this blog...) partially because many of the blessings promised may not even come in this life. And, at least in my case, having a hope that in 100 years everything will work out is difficult to apply to the day-to-day.
People who claim that those who follow gospel principles instead of finding another guy are making huge sacrifices usually aren't exaggerating. The sacrifices are considerable. From the gospel perspective, you're expected to refrain from all activity that could stimulate homosexual feelings - and that list, while definitely encompassing the normal expressions of dating, may be long depending on the person. You may never get married, fall in love with a member of the opposite sex, have a family... and, perhaps with purpose, many of the men I've met have a stronger desire for a family than the norm. Giving that up is, for some men, an Abrahamic trial. From a societal perspective, you're expected to be honest with girls you date - even if you don't share your life story in the first conversation - and there are plenty of people who vocally denounce anyone who even tries that route. If marriage doesn't come, it brings with it potential social stigma, tons of questions... Perhaps the greatest sacrifice, though, is giving up our fear of the unknown. When you've never fallen in love and live in a Church where eternal families are essential to mortal progression and happiness (and where women are often mentioned with condolences when they are unmarried, while men... usually are not), being willing to believe the promise that God will make everything right - not just in the future, but as life unfolds - is hard.
So what's the solution? I definitely can't claim to have any of the answers but for my own life, but, in my case, I've found that goodness naturally brings its own constant rewards. Not some gift from the cosmos, but in that being good makes life inherently better somehow.
Serving someone else, even if they never know or acknowledge it, gives me context into my own trials. Keeping the commandments somehow makes me closer to God - even when I keep the mundane ones like following the laws of the land. And as I choose to follow God into frustrating and unknown paths, I learn important lessons about myself and Him - something the world could never give me.
I think that if I were better at focusing on being good - not just doing good, or acting good, but truly becoming a new creature in Christ - many of the difficulties I face would simply fall into place. And while I'm sure that eventually the universe will repay goodness with goodness, that often seems a long ways away. I'm not really content with having to wait until death to be happy.
Monday, August 20
Afraid
Sometimes I look at my life, and my future, and the unknown scares me. I work with people who are incredibly talented, accomplished, and faithful on a daily basis... and I feel like I am swimming in deep water. Most of the time, I don't have problems communicating, and I do well in my work. But what happens if I meet a woman tomorrow or the next day, and begin to fall in love? What next? I had the thought today that maybe it'll happen soon. I've been dating since I was 16, and can manage the outward signs of chivalry and grace as well as the next guy... but I feel like my emotional being is so... I'm not even sure of the word... unconventional... that even if I were to fall in love, I'd botch the opportunity. Or run away in fear.
And then I wonder if the reason is that sometimes I'm too complacent with the status quo... too afraid to make ripples in my own life... too afraid to jump off the edge of the cliff into the water even when I know I can learn to swim.
And that concerns me.
I can't afford to be Mormon Guy for the rest of my life, even if change means putting myself into situations far outside of my comfort zone. I can't afford to be nonchalant in my dating, or to brush off the advances of girls who may very well be a good fit in personality, passion, and zeal.
But that scares me, too...
I don't know what I'm afraid of.
Is it success? Falling truly in love and finding happiness? I don't think so.
Is it failure? Trying and getting rejected again and again and again? No.
I think that maybe what I'm afraid of is making the wrong choice. Passing up the opportunity in fall in love - a little... But more - tying myself to someone for eternity without ensuring that those ties will hold.
Is that a valid fear?
I'm not going to get married just because someone fits my personality. I know that. It's not because I feel societal or organizational pressure - I don't. And so the thought that I would make the wrong choice - and marry someone I couldn't love and support forever - sounds sort of absurd.
The fear of missing the right opportunity is probably more realistic... in my case, I'm pretty sure that if I did nothing, I'd never get married. It takes effort and faith no matter what we're trying to accomplish. And so I guess I just need to dive in head first.
That's one thing that's nice about cliff jumping and acting in faith. As soon as you jump, it doesn't matter anymore if you're afraid. You've set the pattern in motion and you'll hit the water either way. And if you miss the mark the first time, you just climb the mountain and jump again. And yet again, your fear is irrelevant as soon as the air surrounds you.
And then I wonder if the reason is that sometimes I'm too complacent with the status quo... too afraid to make ripples in my own life... too afraid to jump off the edge of the cliff into the water even when I know I can learn to swim.
And that concerns me.
I can't afford to be Mormon Guy for the rest of my life, even if change means putting myself into situations far outside of my comfort zone. I can't afford to be nonchalant in my dating, or to brush off the advances of girls who may very well be a good fit in personality, passion, and zeal.
But that scares me, too...
I don't know what I'm afraid of.
Is it success? Falling truly in love and finding happiness? I don't think so.
Is it failure? Trying and getting rejected again and again and again? No.
I think that maybe what I'm afraid of is making the wrong choice. Passing up the opportunity in fall in love - a little... But more - tying myself to someone for eternity without ensuring that those ties will hold.
Is that a valid fear?
I'm not going to get married just because someone fits my personality. I know that. It's not because I feel societal or organizational pressure - I don't. And so the thought that I would make the wrong choice - and marry someone I couldn't love and support forever - sounds sort of absurd.
The fear of missing the right opportunity is probably more realistic... in my case, I'm pretty sure that if I did nothing, I'd never get married. It takes effort and faith no matter what we're trying to accomplish. And so I guess I just need to dive in head first.
That's one thing that's nice about cliff jumping and acting in faith. As soon as you jump, it doesn't matter anymore if you're afraid. You've set the pattern in motion and you'll hit the water either way. And if you miss the mark the first time, you just climb the mountain and jump again. And yet again, your fear is irrelevant as soon as the air surrounds you.
Friday, August 10
Weddings
It's such a beautiful thing to attend a wedding. To see a bride dressed in white, flanked by a beaming husband, and surrounded by an air of infinite peace.
For a moment, I forget that I've never found myself standing there. I live life vicariously through their honest and truthful smiles, their endless optimism, and the faith that this step belies.
And then I remember where I am, and all the things that keep me from getting here, and the promise comes. "Mormon Guy, it'll be okay. Have faith... and this day will come for you, too. I promise."
And I believe it. And even if I didn't have that assurance, it would still be beautiful.
For a moment, I forget that I've never found myself standing there. I live life vicariously through their honest and truthful smiles, their endless optimism, and the faith that this step belies.
And then I remember where I am, and all the things that keep me from getting here, and the promise comes. "Mormon Guy, it'll be okay. Have faith... and this day will come for you, too. I promise."
And I believe it. And even if I didn't have that assurance, it would still be beautiful.
Sunday, August 5
Spontaneous Combustion & Love at First Sight
Let me preface this post with the caveat that I'm exhausted. So this may not make any sense.
There's a rag downstairs that is soaked in gasoline. Don't ask why. Every time I walk by it, I envision piles of gas-soaked rags suddenly bursting into flame... remnants from safety trainings or somewhere.
And then I also envision those same piles of rags suddenly spawning frogs. If I learned one thing in high school biology, spontaneous generation is impossible. Frogs don't come from rags. Except for when they start talking about the beginnings of life, and then they backtrack and say full-grown amoebas can spawn from hot mineral broth, but not frogs from rags.
But that's a sidetrack.
Rags can burst into flame because of the vapors that ignite. But they don't ignite on their own - they always need heat from somewhere, or a spark, or a bunch of sunlight... otherwise the rag downstairs would already have caught fire.
In my mind, to make a massive metaphoric jump, I think that love sort of follows the same dichotomy. I don't think that full-grown love is going to grow out of my lackluster dating experience... just like frogs don't grow from rags soaked in gasoline. But I do think that there are definitely ways to cultivate love... and to make it more likely to happen.
I think that falling in love with a girl, at least in my case, is going to take an outside spark. Something beyond where I have control. If it were in my control... I definitely would have done it. But it hasn't happened yet.
So I have a few options. Soak the rag in gasoline, and try to develop the skills to be a great husband and father someday, learn to serve and honor women and communicate with them... Or do nothing and hope for spontaneous combustion of love without much fuel... Or give up, soak the rag in water, and refuse to believe that fire is even possible. I'm trying to choose the first... and I'm pretty convinced that it'll work out. Gasoline-soaked tags eventually combust. Which means I should throw out the one downstairs, or at least get a metal garbage can with a lid.
Wow. I just compared love to a rag soaked in gasoline. I'm really tired.
There's a rag downstairs that is soaked in gasoline. Don't ask why. Every time I walk by it, I envision piles of gas-soaked rags suddenly bursting into flame... remnants from safety trainings or somewhere.
And then I also envision those same piles of rags suddenly spawning frogs. If I learned one thing in high school biology, spontaneous generation is impossible. Frogs don't come from rags. Except for when they start talking about the beginnings of life, and then they backtrack and say full-grown amoebas can spawn from hot mineral broth, but not frogs from rags.
But that's a sidetrack.
Rags can burst into flame because of the vapors that ignite. But they don't ignite on their own - they always need heat from somewhere, or a spark, or a bunch of sunlight... otherwise the rag downstairs would already have caught fire.
In my mind, to make a massive metaphoric jump, I think that love sort of follows the same dichotomy. I don't think that full-grown love is going to grow out of my lackluster dating experience... just like frogs don't grow from rags soaked in gasoline. But I do think that there are definitely ways to cultivate love... and to make it more likely to happen.
I think that falling in love with a girl, at least in my case, is going to take an outside spark. Something beyond where I have control. If it were in my control... I definitely would have done it. But it hasn't happened yet.
So I have a few options. Soak the rag in gasoline, and try to develop the skills to be a great husband and father someday, learn to serve and honor women and communicate with them... Or do nothing and hope for spontaneous combustion of love without much fuel... Or give up, soak the rag in water, and refuse to believe that fire is even possible. I'm trying to choose the first... and I'm pretty convinced that it'll work out. Gasoline-soaked tags eventually combust. Which means I should throw out the one downstairs, or at least get a metal garbage can with a lid.
Wow. I just compared love to a rag soaked in gasoline. I'm really tired.
Wednesday, August 1
Sunday, July 29
Northern Lights - Blog on Mormonism & Homosexuality
It's happening. Ty Mansfield just posted on Northern Lights - a group blog about faithful Mormons who live with same-sex attraction. On Monday Josh Weed will write, then his wife Lolly, then me, followed by a dozen other authors whose stories all have a familiar ring. They've all experienced facets of homosexuality... and they've all somehow found their way to peace and hope through the gospel of Jesus Christ.
Northern Lights isn't designed to be a source of doctrine or a voice to influence Church policy. It's not carefully designed to have a political impact or sway the masses. My sole hope in joining Northern Lights is to better lead people to Christ. I add my voice to others, and together we all help people look towards Heaven, sort of like how the constantly shifting and changing Northern Lights help you look up at the sky towards the symbolic North Star... towards Christ.
I'd like to add my own personal testimony to this effort. When I was searching for hope, peace, and understanding in my life, there was nothing I wanted more than to find someplace where I could have my questions answered... to find someone who knew what I was going through... and to find proof that what I truly wanted in my heart - to live the gospel and find peace in my soul - was possible. I think that Northern Lights will do that, and not just for people like me, but maybe for people all over the world.
The only way that we will really make a difference is if we somehow reach those who are looking. So I'm asking you to share the message... and promising that if you do, the people who need it will find it. You will change lives without ever knowing.
This is going to be big.
Northern Lights
Saturday, July 28
I Wish
Some days I wish the world would disappear. That all the stress and frustration and angst that I fight each day would wash away.
Some days I feel I have to be alone, but then feel the loneliness so keenly that I wish I couldn't feel at all.
Some days I look up at the sky and can't find pictures in the clouds. Just short breaths of shade between the blazing sunlight. No beauty in the wind whispering in the trees... just a short breath of relief from flies and bugs.
Some days I find it hard to deal with people who don't understand... who will probably never understand... and I wish that I were totally alone.
And some days, when nothing seems to help... I don't know what to wish for.
Today is one of those days.
Some days I feel I have to be alone, but then feel the loneliness so keenly that I wish I couldn't feel at all.
Some days I look up at the sky and can't find pictures in the clouds. Just short breaths of shade between the blazing sunlight. No beauty in the wind whispering in the trees... just a short breath of relief from flies and bugs.
Some days I find it hard to deal with people who don't understand... who will probably never understand... and I wish that I were totally alone.
And some days, when nothing seems to help... I don't know what to wish for.
Today is one of those days.
Family Ties
My family is a constant source of... well... a mix of love and frustration and joy and every other feeling in the book. Sometimes I feel totally isolated, and sometimes I feel completely loved.
I was playing with my family yesterday and suddenly had arms around my neck - someone had climbed on my back. I assumed that I knew who it was, but after about five minutes, I realized that I had no idea who I was carrying - whether family or total stranger.
Trying to turn my head to identify the culprit didn't work. He leaned far to the opposite side each time I turned my head, and was fast enough that I couldn't figure out who it was. And he knew it. Each successful dodge set off a set of giggles until I finally grabbed both of his arms and pulled him over my head to see who it was.
It wasn't who I had thought it was. This kid didn't even know me. And yet he was there beaming with a huge smile... just like the little kid I saw on the bus a few weeks ago. And his smile, and unconditional love, made me feel honestly happy. So I beamed a smile back.
Sometimes I wish that my family (other than just my parents) knew about the trials I face. I wish they could understand what goes through my mind and could see the battles I fight. And sometimes I realize that they don't have to know. The little boy didn't need to know to brighten my day. No one really has to know... because if you truly love someone, you'll always give them everything.
And I realize, as I look around my own family, that each of them struggles with internal conflict as I have. Different? Definitely. But just as difficult - hard enough to take you to the end of your limit and then push you beyond. Together we can make it. Someday I'll have a family of my own. And I know that families can be forever.
(And a news update for those patient enough to read to the end. Launch is tomorrow.)
I was playing with my family yesterday and suddenly had arms around my neck - someone had climbed on my back. I assumed that I knew who it was, but after about five minutes, I realized that I had no idea who I was carrying - whether family or total stranger.
Trying to turn my head to identify the culprit didn't work. He leaned far to the opposite side each time I turned my head, and was fast enough that I couldn't figure out who it was. And he knew it. Each successful dodge set off a set of giggles until I finally grabbed both of his arms and pulled him over my head to see who it was.
It wasn't who I had thought it was. This kid didn't even know me. And yet he was there beaming with a huge smile... just like the little kid I saw on the bus a few weeks ago. And his smile, and unconditional love, made me feel honestly happy. So I beamed a smile back.
Sometimes I wish that my family (other than just my parents) knew about the trials I face. I wish they could understand what goes through my mind and could see the battles I fight. And sometimes I realize that they don't have to know. The little boy didn't need to know to brighten my day. No one really has to know... because if you truly love someone, you'll always give them everything.
And I realize, as I look around my own family, that each of them struggles with internal conflict as I have. Different? Definitely. But just as difficult - hard enough to take you to the end of your limit and then push you beyond. Together we can make it. Someday I'll have a family of my own. And I know that families can be forever.
(And a news update for those patient enough to read to the end. Launch is tomorrow.)
Wednesday, July 25
This is Gonna Be Big
I have epic unofficial news for you that may change your life forever. I think I'm allowed to share it. If not, then... you didn't hear it from me.
A handful of the writing powerhouses in the gay Mormon world (and me!?!?) are teaming up to share their message with the universe. And, in the very near future, we're starting a blog.
For the first time in world history, you'll be able to find and interact with all the sort-of-but-not-really-famous people you never knew about before you learned about this subculture of subcultures. Faithful gay Mormon bloggers aren't all that common. You find pieces all the time - sort of like the Indian shooting a star on the wrapper of a Tootsie-Pop - but the whole deal is far less frequent. A Mormon blogger here, a gay Mormon there, a faithful Mormon there. But if you keep looking, you'll find one eventually.
Look no further. If you don't like my straight-up-the-line style of writing, there's another faithful gay Mormon author who's passionately funny. Others who are happily married. Some who are crazy smart. Collectively, we may not represent the entire mass of faithful Mormons with same-sex attraction, but we're closer than we were on our own. At least I am. Not everyone is YSA.
So that's the epic news. (Gay) Mormon Guy isn't going to die, so when we launch, you can expect updates both there and here. Our hope is to be a voice in the conversation... to give hope to those who need it... and to spread the message of love and understanding that Christ taught.
So clear out some room from your blogging subscription list. Daily updates may be on the horizon. And stayed riveted to your screen or phone or whatever... I'll post the link when we go live.
A handful of the writing powerhouses in the gay Mormon world (and me!?!?) are teaming up to share their message with the universe. And, in the very near future, we're starting a blog.
For the first time in world history, you'll be able to find and interact with all the sort-of-but-not-really-famous people you never knew about before you learned about this subculture of subcultures. Faithful gay Mormon bloggers aren't all that common. You find pieces all the time - sort of like the Indian shooting a star on the wrapper of a Tootsie-Pop - but the whole deal is far less frequent. A Mormon blogger here, a gay Mormon there, a faithful Mormon there. But if you keep looking, you'll find one eventually.
Look no further. If you don't like my straight-up-the-line style of writing, there's another faithful gay Mormon author who's passionately funny. Others who are happily married. Some who are crazy smart. Collectively, we may not represent the entire mass of faithful Mormons with same-sex attraction, but we're closer than we were on our own. At least I am. Not everyone is YSA.
So that's the epic news. (Gay) Mormon Guy isn't going to die, so when we launch, you can expect updates both there and here. Our hope is to be a voice in the conversation... to give hope to those who need it... and to spread the message of love and understanding that Christ taught.
So clear out some room from your blogging subscription list. Daily updates may be on the horizon. And stayed riveted to your screen or phone or whatever... I'll post the link when we go live.
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