I had dreams last night where I found myself in compromising situations with guys who were actively gay. They were attracted to me, my body was attracted to each of them, and we both knew it. So it wasn't a huge surprise when all three times, the guy tried to initiate sexual contact.
I don't have dreams like that often.
My dreams feel like an extension of waking life - many of the habits I've developed have been practiced in dreams. And since I'm a lucid dreamer, and usually have full control over my actions within the context of the dream (even if I don't know I'm dreaming), I feel like dreams are just as real as day. The decisions I make in dreams give me a window into who I am and help me see the places I still need to improve.
I turned the guys down each time... and woke up from each dream at that moment, still able to see the disbelief on their faces, along with all the other churning images and feelings burning in my mind.
"That's not who I am."
After the last dream, I just lay there in my bed, wondering why I had just had that experience. Wondering about things like the reality of dreams vs real life - sins and successes and choices and decisions - and hoping that I would never relive the experience in the flesh.
Then my younger sister's voice appeared out of the darkness, softly asking if I would give my other sister, who's been really sick, a blessing. The dreams and my life flashed before my eyes, and I felt like I was worthy to help. As I walked to her room, suddenly it all made sense. I may not be anywhere near perfect, but, if dreams are any indication of reality (and I believe they are), at least I'm on the right path. And that knowledge meant that I could give my sister a blessing and know that God would make good on His promises.
I'm autistic, ex-bipolar, and attracted to other guys (gay/SSA/whatever). More importantly, I'm a son of God and faithful member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (Mormons). My life is usually amazing. This is my story of hope, happiness, and faith.
Monday, January 21
4 comments:
Comment Rules:
(G)MG is how I write to you. Commenting is one way to write to me.
If you want your comment published: No swearing, graphic content, name-calling of any kind, or outbound links to anything but official Church sites.
In addition, comments must be 100% relevant, funny, uplifting, helpful, friendly... well-written, concise, and true. Disparaging comments often don't meet those standards. Comments on (G)MG are personal notes to me, not part of a comment war. You are not entitled to have your ideas hosted on my personal blog. There are a zillion places for that, and only one (G)MG.
And I'd suggest writing your comment in Word and pasting it. That way Blogger won't eat it if it's over the word limit.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
"That's not who I am."
ReplyDeleteExcept you are ... You are gay ... :( Sorry, I really don't want to be rude or offend you or anyone else, but this is just something that stood out to me immensely.
Greet: There are two camps of people in the philosophical argument over free will. Determinists believe that choices and actions are predetermined by causal factors outside of an individual's control - genetics, physicality, etc. Because all actions originate outside of the individual, that also presents difficulty in creating moral foundations, as if I was "made" to do something, there was no moral choice in the first place. It was fated to be that way from forever.
DeleteThe other camp - philosophical libertarians - believes that the origin of action within human nature comes from something external to the deterministic world - something that subjugates the world of dominoes and billiard balls - and something that cannot be defined by anything else. It is self-defined - hence why it is free to choose and possesses free will.
The methods for explaining the function are messy right now... but it's apparent from your comment that you're a determinist. I'm not. I believe that the core of who I am is different in nature and substance than the sum of every mortal part of my being... and that ultimately, I am who I choose to be.
And I am definitely not someone who has sex with other men, regardless of what you or anyone else may care to impose.
Wonderful and excellent insights GMG. I was interested in this post "Dreams" because I am very interested in dreams and their meanings to help us with our lives. I often have dreams that I know are meant as messages to me, to help me with my life. And, I am getting quite good at immediately pondering my dreams and realizing their meaning for me.
Delete(We are actually working on a post for our blog - all about dreams/inspiration)
I love Elder Richard G. Scott's talk from April 2012 GC, about revelation and inspiration where he talks about this very thing, and it really helped me to realize that I'm not a wierdo for believing my dreams ARE revelation, inspiration, and guidance - and he even mentions that it is good to write these types of dreams down (which is something I often do). You may have already read it, just wanted to share it with you in case you had not.
Thanks for your insights here - we are anxious to read more and realize it might be almost impossible for us to 'catch up' on reading everything you've done here through the years, but we are definitely faithful follows and grateful to have found you.
this is excellent. David, your experiences continue to strengthen and inspire me in my own struggle toward heaven.
ReplyDelete