Thursday, October 3
I don't think I've been on a date in a long time. Almost a year. There have been times people tried to set me up, but they all fell through... we never crossed paths, or the girl actually already had a boyfriend and wasn't interested in a blind date.
Part of the reason is that I don't know how to approach dating anymore. Girls have told me that hearing "I'm really not attracted to you" is a painful, undesirable thing... and I guess I understand their perspective somewhat.
Some people say that you should only date people you're attracted to. But is that really a set-in-stone requirement?
I mean, in the past I dated for two reasons - because I wanted to show my faith to God and give Him something to work with (so that eventually He could light a spark of love in my life), and because I wanted to show people that I cared about them. Unlike most guys, though, who I've learned have basic and then complex metrics to determine who to ask out (physical attraction being up there, along with emotional and intellectual), I also have two somewhat unique reasons to ask people out. 1: Because God told me to (I used to pray to figure out who to date all the time). 2: Because I thought a specific girl was interested in me.
Even though sharing my identity here on (Gay) Mormon Guy didn't really change much, it seems to make developing relationships even harder. I think it's because the girls who are interested in me don't know about SSA. I'm scared of hurting people, and I don't relish broaching the topic... but I feel sort of dishonest just asking someone out when I have totally different motivation compared to another guy.
There's a girl in my ward who wants me to ask her out. I don't think she reads (Gay) Mormon Guy. She asked me about North Star because I mentioned it a few times in passing, and I explained what it is - an organization that helps men and women with same-sex attraction live faithful lives in the Church. She didn't really respond in a way that let me know her thoughts, but still asked for a ride home.
I guess I'm just... afraid of the unknown. I've never dated someone and been open about the fact that I have to go about it differently. I don't know what's going to happen, I don't know how to communicate what's in my head effectively, and I don't know how it's going to affect the people on the other side of the relationship.
I feel like I should just move forward. You know the inexplicable feeling to do something even when your brain and heart protest? A quiet voice, most definitely the Spirit, just tells me to go.
I guess that answers my question.
Posted by Mormon Guy at 7:03 AM