Friday, October 11
I've wondered what pushes men to drink themselves numb. What feeds conquered addictions to pornography and slashes carefully set boundaries of morality. What makes people do things they would never do otherwise... decisions made in a moment that destroy their lives.
Not just any feeling. This one.
Maybe it's not the exact feeling for everyone. Maybe it's different. But I think that it's similar. A feeling so intense that it feels like you're drowning... so painful that your options slim to few. And so completely opaque to rational inquiry that only emotions seem to matter.
Right now I feel awful. Absolutely and totally awful... to the point that not being alive almost sounds preferable (if there were a way for that to happen righteously... there's always that caveat that keeps me safe). I feel incredibly lonely, yet push some people away. Incredibly frustrated, but not sure about what. Tempted in a thousand different directions far more than I should be.
I wonder where it came from.
I've decided what I'm going to do with the feeling: I'll write about it, then go work out until I'm exhausted enough to go to sleep... and forget about it entirely. That solves the crisis, but it doesn't fix the issue. Where did it come from? And how can I keep it from coming back?
Or should I?
This is the same feeling I get when I honestly look at my life and gauge where I am. I feel totally and completely alone, and that's incredibly miserable. Especially when I know, completely, that there are people who love me... because that then makes me feel guilty for feeling alone.
...just like I used to feel guilty for being depressed...
It's okay to feel alone. It's okay to be in pain. It's okay to want things in life to change and to find yourself crying because life hurts. I can't promise it will change today, or tomorrow, or even sometime in mortality. But it'll be okay. Eventually the crisis passes and you go on with life. Maybe God will do a miracle and everything will become perfect. Maybe not. But realize that everything He gives you in life is to help you and the people around you come closer to Him. That's the only reason you have hard experiences... or that anyone does. God loves you and gives you exactly what you, and others, need to find faith. Stay close to God, and it will all work out.
Yes. It's painful. That's okay. It'll all work out in the end. You know that's true. Right now you just need to believe it.
Posted by Mormon Guy at 7:14 PM