Saturday, May 3

Loss

Yesterday I grabbed some cash to repay my little brother. He had paid for some of the clothing for my a cappella group, and I needed to give him back $30. I had a stack of money from ticket sales for Grace, so I started going through looking for enough money.

There were only $1 bills in the stack. That was a bit disconcerting... until I realized that there weren't any other stacks with bigger bills. They were missing. I had money hidden in another part of my room, and I went to look for that. It was gone - the envelope from Bank of American Fork missing from its place.

I asked my brother if he had borrowed money from my room. He hadn't.

Which means that I had been robbed.

I learned that this hasn't been the first occurrence. We've lost money in the past, and the couple of times that I thought I had just displaced money before depositing it in the bank? It was just gone. It adds up to thousands of dollars in losses.

Last night I didn't want to deal with news like that. I'm in a financially frustratin position - most of my money is tied up in the business, and all the business's money tied up in meeting orders for big new customers who don't have beneficial (to us) payment terms. I'm hiring my friend to work for me full-time in a little more than a week (he put notice at his current job) and to ensure that I have enough to pay him I've stopped buying things that aren't necessary altogether.

So realizing that money is gone... has just left me in shock. I prayed last night for whoever has done this to us... but part of me, for the first time ever, began questioning humanity at large. I'm an incredibly trusting person, even with strangers. Most of the time, when I trust people, they reciprocate with amazing results. But I'm realizing that reality doesn't always match my ideal.

So what to do? Our doors were always unlocked so that if people needed to come see us, or have a place to stay, they could use our home. We've have many people who have done that in times of need, and we were glad that we could help. But leaving doors unlocked makes it easy for anyone to come in to our home, whether we're here or not.

I always wanted to be one of the people who lived in a community where you never had to lock your door or worry. When we bought our home, we spoke with policemen and they said that it was a quiet neighborhood. But we live on the edge of that quiet, right next to a massive 24-hour gym and the mall, bus stops and busy streets. Our neighbor across the street was burglarized badly a few months ago. I guess we'll be locking our doors. And never keeping cash on hand.

The loss I feel for my stolen money is one thing. But the loss I feel for my shattered ideals... that's what has left me reeling. Everything I have belongs to God. It's been dedicated to Him, and I'm just the steward ensuring that the blessings I have are used the right way. And now I feel... betrayed, used, frustrated, and parts of me are turning to guilt. "I should have deposited the money." "I don't need to keep cash on hand for emergencies." "I should have locked all our doors every time I re-opened them."

I do know one thing. I don't think I'm ever going to keep cash at home. It will make buying things from people on KSL difficult, but I don't really need to buy anything anyway. We can take cards for the business, or require exact change, and deposit money each day. For tithes and other offerings I can find a check or get one printed at the bank.

...

My idealistic image of society and people has been cracked. I'm not going to let it shatter... and slowly I'll put the pieces back in place. I'll also be a better steward of the things I have, and better safeguard them against loss.

And I pray that whoever was in so much need... can feel God's love and find His help in their life.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

Some people grow up in neighborhoods where windows have bars on them, or friends are shot and killed, or people robbed on a consistent basis, and no one can be trusted from the day they're born. Be grateful that things were at least good enough to allow your naivete to be experienced at all. Some people have it so bad from the start that your experience of your trust and hope in a Utopia would seem like an utterly foreign concept to them.

Johan Finne said...

I do hope you will forgive the person. To forgive is a divine attribute given to us. Our Father in Heaven want us to forgive. Blessings

Tricia S. said...

Being a trusting and forgiving person, and then being taken advantage of, can be so devastating. I am so sorry for your loss. Some things are easy to let go and move on from, but some things affect you so much. It's sometimes a shock which one's end up affecting us the most. In situations like these it's hard to know what to take away, and what to let go. How much do you learn take from it? How much trust to you invest back in? I'm striving to find this balance in my life. I don't know where to draw the line. What is just being smart and what is succumbing to fear? I hope things get better for you, and I hope that you find things you can put your faith and trust in. I love the idea of living in a community where we don't have to lock doors, and we can all look out for each other. I know if it's going to start somewhere its going to start with me, so I try as hard as I can to be the change I want to see. But this can take a toll on a person as well, and sometimes I feel like I'm taken advantage of. Those times I usually just give it to the Lord.