Wednesday, July 21

Childhood memories

After reading some of the psychological theories surrounding same-sex attraction, I've tried looking back on who I am... and it also serves as a good introduction for this blog.

I grew up in the ideal Mormon family - parents who are superheroes, a supportive ward, and happy extended family. My mom and I have a great relationship, but I've never been able to really understand my dad. Our brains work totally different.

I was a jock in school. And a nerd. And an arts kid. I did everything well, which meant my teachers loved me and my peers hated my guts. Finding good friends who also had high standards was hard. I was on sports teams, but I knew that even though I was idolized for what I could do, people didn't really understand me.

Whatever the reason, I started feeling physical attraction to guys when I was twelve years old.

I was really into computers and spent hours surfing the net. One day I discovered pornography. It sucked me in and began the process of destroying my life.

For the next four years, I struggled. I went between absolute guilt and depression to feeling, when I was ok, for weeks or months, like I was on top of the world. I prayed for help and tried everything to keep myself clean. I encouraged my parents to install Internet safety software, then found myself circumventing it the next night at 2 in the morning. And, through it all, I told no one. I knew what I needed to do. I skipped one of our temple trips because I didn't feel worthy. Each interview with my bishop just happened to fall after I had already gone through the pain and turmoil of repentance. I tried to make up for it by being super-righteous in everything I did. I thought that I had beaten it and could handle it on my own. And, in all the manuals of the Church that I had available to me as a young teenager (and I looked), there was no real concise information about what you needed to tell your bishop. I thought that my only problem was with pornography. I didn't even realize how much an understatement that would have been.

When I turned sixteen, I thought I was finally learning to master who I was. In my patriarchal blessing, it promised me that, in due time, I would be free of temptations. Then, during a routine yearly physical, I was sexually abused by my doctor. The pain and the guilt welled up inside me and made me want to die. I felt like it was my fault - that if I had been a better person, the doctor wouldn't have done that to me. Or maybe it was divine retribution for all the wrongs I had committed in the past. I told my parents and bishop about the abuse, because I was concerned for my siblings. But I could never bring myself to describe it in detail... and everyone forgot about it within a few weeks. Everyone but me.

Some theorists have observed a link between sexual abuse and later same-sex attraction. Whatever the reality, that was enough to break me. My pornography addiction came back, along with everything that went along with it. But I was older now, and the Brethren had begun talking about pornography. Here I am: a righteous, upstanding member of the Church, and inside I hide a terrible sin. I'm a hypocrite. I started suffering from major depression. But that only worsened the problem, since I thought that depression was a sin, too. I mean, I had a perfect family, the perfect life, the gospel, and everything I wanted. What right did I have to be depressed? So I put on a happy face to be true to my beliefs. Another thing that kept people from understanding who I really was. When I was alone, positive thinking worked some of the time. But sometimes I would be so low that I contemplated suicide. In those hours, I asked God to help me. I asked Him to take away my suffering, to heal me, to help me become a truly good person. And He answered my prayers... but not in the way I had asked. He didn't take away my suffering. But He sent me personal signs to show that He loved me... and inside my heart and mind He told me that I could do it. That He knew I could do it. While I cried and cried and prayed and wished that I could be healed, I knew that He loved me... and that He knew I could make it through. And I slowly learned to beat it.

When I first went to BYU, I tried to be as busy as possible. I worked as hard as I could and threw myself into everything. It worked for a little while to help me forget, but the depression and the urges came back. But I could fight them, right? Only this time, they came with the sinister realization that I was physically attracted to men.

When I went on a mission for the Church, I again prayed that the Lord would heal me. Two years without an Internet connection was freedom. And the Lord blessed me with companions that didn't stir up feelings I didn't want aroused.

I came home and started dating, expecting everything to turn out perfectly. I would fall in love with a great girl, get married, have a family. But I realized there was something wrong. Everyone else talked about people they wanted to date... from just looking at them. Everyone looked the same to me. The only way I chose anyone to date was talking with them - and then I would consider them for a first date if they could hold a decent conversation. At the same time, I realized that I was attracted to guys. It wasn't all guys. Just some... and as soon as my mind started wandering in that direction, I turned it off. There is no way that I could be gay. Absolutely no way.

The closest that I've come to falling in love was when I dated a girl after my mission. I wasn't physically attracted to her at all (that really bothered her). Other than that, we had a lot in common. But, for some reason, it just didn't feel right. She, and I, just needed to find someone else. I cried for months.

I found myself more and more attracted to guys, and dating became harder... today, life continues to get more complicated, but I am clean. Free of addiction, free of massive temptations. But that doesn't mean life is easy.

And that's where I'll end the memories.

38 comments:

  1. wow, I am relating so much to everything here. I really need some help.

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  2. Josh: Then you need to determine where you're willing to go to find it. Help is available everywhere - from Priesthood leaders, family, friends and anonymous strangers, and God Himself. What helps me most is to make a written plan of what I am going to do next. Then I ask God for help in following through.

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  3. Not to discourage you Josh, but just don't think that you have find the kind of support and help you're looking for in Priesthood Leaders, Bishops, Therapists within the church system. Much of it depends on how educated and in tune these people are on the topic of SSA or homosexuality. I tried for years to get some sort of support and much to my dismay, it never did happen. In fact, it was completed ignored by my Stake President for months and months on end. He finally answered my petitions via my Bishop who he said should be the one to spearhead this kind of support. The Bishop was way too busy to give me the support I needed so in the end, I feel it was a cop out for everyone involved.

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  4. Kyle: Thanks for your willingness to share your own experience. We've all heard (and sometimes experienced) stories of priesthood leaders who don't know how to help people struggling with SSA. I'm sorry your leaders weren't able to give you the support you needed. Hopefully, though, that experience is less and less common. As time has passed, I've seen the Church develop better systems, leadership training, and support networks to help address our struggles.

    Josh: Priesthood leaders and Church resources are just a few of the places we can look for support. It might be what you need right now. But even if they are unable to give you all the support you need, their prayers and love will help. Ask them who else might be able to help, and then be willing to get help everywhere possible. You can do it, Josh. God loves you and is involved in your life. Ultimately, we have the promise that, if we do all we can, He will provide the help we need to succeed.

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  5. Josh: There have been many who have tried to do "all they can do" and it has lead to unfortunate outcomes sometimes even to suicide as we all know. I do feel that Heavenly Father most often will work through others to bless and assist His beloved children who are sincerely trying to do what is right in their lives. At times it comes through those "tender mercies" that are spoken of in the scriptures. We just need to be open enough to hear and recognize those "tender mercies" when they happen, and happen they do!

    Mormon Guy: I appreciate your positive approach and understand your motives. It's most likely that I have a chip on my shoulder from my negative experiences in the past and I apologize if this is the case however, I feel it is important that I express my feelings on the topic hoping to help others. I just don't want all guys to think that it is going to be a bed of roses if they seek the help and support they need in the church and it's leaders. In reality, knowing how slow the church is to move forward on some specific things, this change I am talking about will take at least a generation or two for it to finally happen. I sincerely hope that it will be the case for those upcoming who will struggle with SSA and homosexuality while trying to be active in the gospel. While they have least have admitted that some people are homosexual, and being so is not a sin or even being an openly gay man or woman does not make you a condemned individual in the "God Loves All His Children" pamphlet, they still have a long way to go to offer the kind of real help that is so desperately needed. And I may say to treat single SSA members exactly like they do married OSA couples and make them feel like part of the fold. I was at a special conference just a few months ago when our stake hosted a General Authority and in the talk our Stake President gave, he listed homosexuality (or being a homosexual) among a list of "evils" that would not be present in our society today if the members lived better lives and were more faithful in their callings, etc. In my opinion, this is the type of statement and thought process that needs to change.

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  6. Kyle: Thanks again for being involved in the conversation. This blog is meant to inspire, lift, and give hope to others. While its clear that we don't agree on everything, I can tell that you're here because you care. I understand having a chip on your shoulder and wanting to avert the pain of others. Read my most recent post - Changing the Church vs. Changing the World for more of my thoughts on that issue.

    Josh: If you're still following this comment line, then I hope that you can take courage and have faith. Yes, the fight will be hard. Yes, you may not find the answers right away. But, from personal experience, I know that God will bless you and give you the strength to succeed if you will turn your life over to Him.

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  7. Your story is truly inspiring, and more common than people like to acknowledge. I can't imagine what struggles you have gone through, but how AWESOME that you still recognize that you have a Heavenly Father who is just crazy in love with you, more than you can imagine. Keep up the blogging- you have a story to be told!

    "Faith"

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  8. Faith: Having a knowledge of God, of His love, and that He speaks today... is the only thing that has kept me alive through the years, both physically and spiritually. I know He loves me. I know He lives. And I know that following the principles of the gospel will bring me happiness in this life and forever.

    I'm glad that my story is inspiring. Come back and keep reading. Thanks for your comment. Welcome to (Gay) Mormon Guy.

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  9. I am not sure if you will see this comment as this is an older post but I really needed to post it anyways. First off I wish I could just give you a big, loving hug. I feel so much love for you even though I have not meant you (that I know of). You are scuh a wonderful, spiritual person and a true blessing to so many, I am SURE of it! Please know that you will forever have a place in my heart and I will always have you in my prayers. You are amazing. Continue on with this blog...I am thinking that you had the idea to start it because there is a higher purpose for it!

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  10. Lauralee:
    I read every comment before I post it on the site, so age of the post isn't important. And the things I wrote a month or two ago are probably still cogent today. Or hopefully they are. Thanks for your comment - I, too, feel that God asked me to start it for a higher purpose. And each person who comes here... probably comes for a higher purpose as well. Maybe it was to inspire me and enable me to become a better person. Maybe it was to help me reach out and touch the lives of others. Or maybe both or neither... something else altogether.

    Thanks again for your faith and your prayers. And welcome.

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  11. I'm reading. We all need to be more aware and more realistic about SSA. You have my respect. I will keep reading.

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  12. This is your mission...and I think you are fabulous. The Lord will use you as a tool to touch many, many lives. Why this mission for you and not someone else? I'm not sure that others (myself included) would be strong enough to handle it. You will be a blessing to so many. Thank you for that.

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  13. Amazing! Keep going! You are an inspiration.

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  14. Thank you for writing this blog. There are stigmas associated with every sin, but SSA seems to evoke some of the worst emotions from some people and I think it just makes people struggling with it feel that much more worse about it. So one hope I have is that your blog will wash some of that stigma away. And I hope that doctor is no longer practicing. Abuse in any form is wrong and my heart breaks that you had to endure that. I extend my love to you and hope you can somehow find the girl of your dreams. She exists, I promise.

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  15. I am so thankful that I was promted to click on your link. I have a brother who recently returned home from a mission and who has struggled with SSA from the time he was young. THANKFULLY we were given the name of a counselor that has helped him tremendously, and going to BYU has been such a blessing for him. When you mentioned how you loved your father, but that he didn't really 'get' you, I was shocked. The absolute realism is that this is a trial that so many bear, and that is so lonley. For those of us who don't struggle with SSA, this blog is CRITICAL to understanding our job as family/friends and loved ones who can support those who do struggle. My faith is so strong that the Lord can heal ALL pains, and that true love can be found within self mastery and complete dedication to the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I feel like you are giving so many lonley people wings. THANK YOU!

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  16. Thank you so much for creating this blog! I am a devoted member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and live kind of a sheltered life. I have never been good enough friends with someone that is openly homosexual or even anyone who has admitted to having SSA-to have a discussion about this (not by choice, just by circumstance) and have only been able to base my judgments off of stereotypes and such. As you might imagine- this has lead to a lot of confusion. The talk by President Boyd K. Packer in this last conference has really sent me searching for answers. Up to this point I sincerely thought that SSA was a choice. From reading your blog I understand that it is a real and serious temptation that can't just be abandoned and forgotten. I think you are the perfect example of what the church wants people with SSA to do with their lives- turn them over to God. Because of your blog I have a better understanding of SSA. Thank you for helping me to finally make sense of all of this.
    You're a wonderful person and it is clear you have the spirit in your life. Heavenly Father loves you!

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  17. Thank you for sharing your story. It's very interesting to read your view point. I'm debating on whether or not to share this blog with my spouse. His biological father was homosexual. He left his mother when my husband was 1 month old. From my understanding he didn't feel worthy to be an influence in his child's life. My husband has always resented what he did. We found out when we got married, that he had died 10 years earlier of AIDS. Because of this I want to thank you for not pursuing a relationship you didn't feel 100% about. I'm sure it was difficult. I know you can love someone and not be attracted to them. I think this was the situation for my husband's bio dad and his mom. I believe they loved each other, just in more of a great friends, respecting kind of way. Anyways, thanks again for your story. You have a wonderful perspective.

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  18. Heavenly Father loves ALL of his children the same. It doesn't matter who you are, what your trials are, what you have and have not done. He loves us all and wants us ALL to return to him. If we are to see others as God see's them, then we, as members of his church, would do well to remember that and show more love and compassion for those who struggle.

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  19. What a WONDERFUL blog! Thank you for writing your experience! I served an LDS mission and saw MANY openly gay men investigate the church and even one who was baptized and new the Law of Chastity was true. I worked closely with a bishop who was called to help groups of people with SSA! It IS a REAL feeling. MANY struggle with it. YOU are an inspiration to those who need support and feel that righteous living is impossible AND to those who are ignorant or uninformed that this is a REAL feeling in righteous men and women. Thank you! I know the Lord will continue to guide and lift you as you continue this blog and supporting this cause! You are great!

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  20. It is so very important to hear from people who face this challenge and who do their best to live righteously. Thank you. I don't personally experience same-gender attraction but the issue, including society's treatment of it, has been important to me, and I'm very glad that you have shared your thoughts and experiences. I guess I feel that you have taken something that has been an incredible challenge for you and used it to better the world, and in that way, I wonder if it has become a blessing as well, for you and those you help. I hope so.

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  21. Kersten:
    I hope that something here can help you understand at least a part of what your father-in-law went through in life... and I hope that it can help your husband forgive his father and learn to love him again. It's heartbreaking to hear stories like yours... I have one in my family as well that, for a long time, I couldn't understand (even though I have the same struggle). While we can't condone reneging on temple covenants... learning to forgive - and to truly forgive means to truly love - is essential.

    J B:
    I think that, in God's eyes, all things are given to us for our good. In His eyes, all things are blessings. Now, that may sound strange, but I've seen death, starvation, massive natural disasters, sickness, and incredible temptation... and each brings with it a two-edged sword. If we turn to the Lord, He helps us to gain an incredible perspective and faith. If we turn away, it can destroy us. So whether it is a blessing or a curse is ultimately my decision.

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  22. This was very touching. I struggled with pornography on and off for many years before finally conquering it. I was always afraid that I was also struggling with SSA because of the whole pornography thing. I know I don't, I'm not attracted to my sex, but it's something that I was always afraid of.

    Thank you for sharing your story. It's nice to know that there are people out there who struggle with SSA and still work to follow the teaching of the Church and to follow God.

    It's so inspiring to read. Thank you again.

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  23. Mormon Guy; I just started reading your blog last night. Someone told me about it. I'm a girl, straight, lds (very active); but i have had some temptations recently over the past few years that have really consumed my internal happiness. I know that you talk of homosexuality as your temptation, but I feel that you really hit home on a lot of things the rest of us are struggling with as well. I have struggled with pornography; which has ruined some of my relationships in my life. I hate it! Sin consumes you when you let it. I am trying to find my way, but I just don't feel comfortable going to my bishop or any family members, mostly because I am ashamed. I hope that eventually my courage will be strong enough. I have a friend who is on a mission and we have corresponded throughout his whole mission. I would love to date him when he gets back and I know that he wants the same, but I don't feel like I am worthy of his friendship, and especially not dating him. I think I am weak because I am not strong enough to admit where I have gone wrong. I am going to keep reading your blog because you are an inspiration for me to be better:)

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  24. To Most Recent Anonymous:
    I struggled with the same problem of pornography for years. I never told anyone about it, for close to 7 years, but when I finally went to my bishop about it, my whole world changed. I finally felt like I was truly worthy of everything the Lord has blessed me with. Don't wait to talk to your bishop. He is only there to love you and support you and help you to over come this trial. I pray that you may find the strength to talk with your bishop. Just make an appointment and don't even think about it.

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  25. Thanks for sharing your stories. I'm glad i came across your blog. :)

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  26. I am a 30 year old mother on 2 with a third onthe way and have struggled with SSA for most of my life. I was even in love with my best friend for years and didn't think I would ever get married. At this point in my life I am still in a constant fight b/c I feel like I am just surrounded by temptation. I feel fortunate and blessed to be attracted to my husband but it does not take away the attraction I feel for women. I know the church has become more involved in helping people but sometimes I feel that it is more geared toward men and that women are mostly forgotten. I have been to counseling but I need more support, I just don't know where to go from here.

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  27. Anonymous:

    The pathway to righteousness is different for each of us, but as you turn to God and to the people you love, they will support you. You can ask them for help even if you don't feel comfortable sharing why. Just say, "I'm going through some rough times in my life... and I just need someone to talk to and friends to do things with during my life. Will you call me every other night just to talk? Or can I call you if I need someone to talk to? I promise that you will gain new friends, and your relationship with your loved ones will improve as you invite them to play a role in your life." Just be open and candid with them, and the true friends will stand by you through everything. Pray about whether you should tell someone to share the load, and ultimately rely on God... Wow. I normally don't give advice... but that's what I'm doing right now, and I feel like it will help you.

    And then you can email me if you just need someone to talk to. Be strong, sister... and thanks for being a part here.

    Mormon Guy

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  28. Thanks for responding to my comment. I am fortunate to have a great support system in family and friends. Not everyone know but a few do. And sometimes when I need to talk or vent about my frustrations I feel like it gets old and they get tired of hearing it. Someone even said," You're still dealing with that?" As if it were something I could turn on and off with a switch. I guess at this point in my life I would just like more people to talk to who really get it. I've worked through a lot of crap in my life and I am discouraged that this SSA thing still seems to be hanging on to me. I am just kinda venting here but I know you get it. And that alone makes me feel much better.

    Oh and by the way I have a sister you could date but we don't live in Utah. ( that was a joke by the way) haha! I read your latest post about people fixing you up.

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  29. Thank you so much for making the index, making it possible for me to find this post. I can relate almost dead on to most of the stuff you talk about in this post, which, so far in my life, has been impossible to find another Mormon to relate to.

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  30. InItsGrip:

    You're welcome. I've felt recently like I needed to make it; it just meant going through all the good and bad and trying to figure out what was meaningful in it all. I'm glad that you feel like you're not alone; you really aren't. I understand, other Mormon guys do, and so does God. And as we turn to Him He makes it possible to keep going. I never found someone that I could relate to until I began this blog... hopefully that won't be the case for others. Thanks for your comment.

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  31. I know how it feels... I'm attracted to both men and women, and have been hiding it from my family for years. I think some of them suspect, but none of them have come right out and asked like my sister did a few years ago. I found that as a teenager, I overcompensated by being WAY too tempted by men, so that I wouldn't look at other women.

    I recently came out to several very close friends, and they all took it really well. I'm just afraid that as a practicing LDS member, if I start dating, some men may not understand, and will shun me. I'm attending a church school now, and living with other women. I find that if I avoid situations where I see them inappropriately dressed, the temptations are few and far between.

    I can't imagine how horrid it must have been, being sexually abused. You seem like quite a nice person, and I'm very sorry that such a thing would happen to anyone. :(

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  32. My sweetheart struggles with SSA. I knew when we started dating and I was eager to be supportive. But I didn't know how hard it would be. I'm grateful I didn't, because I may have abandoned the best relationship I ever could have asked for. It is our struggle now, and I hope this blog will help temper some of my anxieties and help me be more compassionate.

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  33. Anon:

    I hope so, too. It's amazing how trials affect all of us - not just the person who lives with it. We're somehow all connected and linked to the salvation of one another. Keep holding on. It's worth it.

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  34. You're breaking my heart. I admire your strength and I hope it brings you to where you want to be.

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  35. I am sorry. I can relate to what you are writing about. I often felt bad for past sins and wondered why I could not overcome them. I often felt alone and unloveable. I admire you and your strength. I wish you all the best.

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  36. I am so thankful I came across your blog. I just want to hold you and have you in my life. My prayers are with you and what your heart truly desires.

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  37. I have two teenage children that have struggled with pornography. I was so shocked when I discovered my oldest daughter had. I didn't realize that it was a temptation for girls too. We put protective software on the computers and disabled browsers on Ipods,(that was how she was accessing pornography.) Unfortunately, our son was able to access it through school computers and has recently just had a relapse. Even with all of our efforts, there will always be a way to find access. Parents have to talk to their children earlier about the dangers of pornography, even if they don't think their children are the kind that would struggle with it.
    I appreciate so much your willingness to share your story. It gives me so much hope. I hope that anyone reading this blog will seek help early for whatever weakness they are struggling with. I know that our Heavenly Father loves us and sent His Son to bear our burdens, no matter what our burdens may be. Thank you for sharing your testimony and strengthening so many others.

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  38. About a year ago I stumbled upon your bloig and thought you were great for writing it. Then I never read it again.

    Facebook is an interesting tool. Through it I found out a while back that one of my dearest friends back home had decided to leave the church because he was gay. This confused me. I thought, "but why did you leave the church?" Unfortunately, I'm not sure if I will be able to make much prgoress on that front. I don't live anywhere near his, and he's not the most academic of people you'll ever meet, so convincing him of something through persuasive writing is unlikely to have an effect. Through facebook I also found out that a girl friend of mine is listed as interested in women (this may explain why she broke off her engagement to a man while at BYU), married (joke? Or not?) to a woman, and her religion is "love." She used to be LDS, too. What happened?

    My husband said the other day, "at least one of our kids has to have perfect vision like me." I responded, "or what? I mean, aren't there worse things that could be wrong with our kids?" He then said "well yeah, I guess they could have ADD like me. Or depression like you. Or be gay."

    So when I stumbled across your site again, I read it for a lot longer than I should have (given my to-do list). I love you for doing what you do. I thought about my main struggle when I was younger - 6 years of being controlled by an eating disorder. I wished then that the church would say more about eating disorders, and is it a sin to have one, and what should I do? As it turned out, it took someone who had been there, who really understood me, to help me move on with my life and be healed. Someone like you, but I was a royal mess, so it took a lot more effort on her part. She spent 2.5 hours with me in person every week helping me and then loved me even when I called her and yelled at her that she was wrong and I would die from this and I would never be happy and normal.

    Even though it's a different struggle, and mine probably has a "luckier" ending (I barely think about it at all anymore, and have a good relationship with food and my body), I guess I just wanted to vent about how I think what you're doing is really, really important, and that I hope you change lives the way my mentor changed mine.

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