Friday, October 11

Pain: This is Why

I've wondered what pushes men to drink themselves numb. What feeds conquered addictions to pornography and slashes carefully set boundaries of morality. What makes people do things they would never do otherwise... decisions made in a moment that destroy their lives.

It's feeling.

Not just any feeling. This one.

Maybe it's not the exact feeling for everyone. Maybe it's different. But I think that it's similar. A feeling so intense that it feels like you're drowning... so painful that your options slim to few. And so completely opaque to rational inquiry that only emotions seem to matter.

Right now I feel awful. Absolutely and totally awful... to the point that not being alive almost sounds preferable (if there were a way for that to happen righteously... there's always that caveat that keeps me safe). I feel incredibly lonely, yet push some people away. Incredibly frustrated, but not sure about what. Tempted in a thousand different directions far more than I should be.

I wonder where it came from.

I've decided what I'm going to do with the feeling: I'll write about it, then go work out until I'm exhausted enough to go to sleep... and forget about it entirely. That solves the crisis, but it doesn't fix the issue. Where did it come from? And how can I keep it from coming back?

Or should I?

This is the same feeling I get when I honestly look at my life and gauge where I am. I feel totally and completely alone, and that's incredibly miserable. Especially when I know, completely, that there are people who love me... because that then makes me feel guilty for feeling alone.

...just like I used to feel guilty for being depressed...

Dear self:

It's okay to feel alone. It's okay to be in pain. It's okay to want things in life to change and to find yourself crying because life hurts. I can't promise it will change today, or tomorrow, or even sometime in mortality. But it'll be okay. Eventually the crisis passes and you go on with life. Maybe God will do a miracle and everything will become perfect. Maybe not. But realize that everything He gives you in life is to help you and the people around you come closer to Him. That's the only reason you have hard experiences... or that anyone does. God loves you and gives you exactly what you, and others, need to find faith. Stay close to God, and it will all work out. 

Yes. It's painful. That's okay. It'll all work out in the end. You know that's true. Right now you just need to believe it.


  1. Don't feel guilty about being depressed. It's a disease.

  2. Don't you have a music theory book you should studying for an upcoming test? ;) hey, good luck. :)

  3. I wish I had an absolutely wonderful and amazing comment to post on here. I feel like I relate so much to what you say you are going through. I go through things like this all the time. I spent a good year of my life desperately fighting the urge to take my own life. There is just no way to stop emotional pain. No easy way at least.

    I hope things get better, and I hope you find a solution. There are some books that I would totally suggest that have helped me so much. If you're interested I can tell you about them.

  4. This popped into my head; D&C 121: 7 My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment;

    8 And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes.

    You've probably heard and read it a million times before, but it sure comforts me.

  5. I sympathize with feelings of irrational wretchedness. The challenge is to cope with them in healthy ways. It's not with one thing that fixes it all, but with a bunch of small things that help me make it through.

    I have to remind myself of a lot of things, like 1)of my righteous desires (Heavenly Father gives us credit for righteous desires) 2)my mortal body (which can have physical and neurological problems that are not my fault) 3) my blessings (helps me gauge how irrational I'm being)

    I have to check whether I'm being mean or judgmental of myself in any way, and if I find that I am, I have to make an effort to do something kind to myself.

    I have to check whether something I ate recently might have been a problem. (I'm sensitive to artificial colors, flavors, and preservatives, as well as high-sugar foods. They make me crabby and anxious and cloud my thinking).

    I have to consider the possibility of a hormonal issue (since I'm a girl).

    And I find it really helpful to pray for endurance, and pray to let the Lord know how I'm feeling.

    And sometimes I just have to do something that outright defies my feelings, just to show that they don't own me.

    I can tell you know a bunch of things to do to cope, so it is likely that nothing I've said is new to you.

    Sometimes this is like hunkering down through a really bad storm. If I can learn a few new things to help me cope each time I go through it, the experience won't be for nothing.

  6. Hey Gay Mormon Guy,
    That's kind of a downer blog post. :-) I say that to hopefully make you laugh (when you read it later). Yeah, I definitely feel your pain.

    I am single and gay and LDS. And, I struggle a lot with being alone ... and lonely. Most of the time, I just get back to work, find someone to serve, or end up listening to other peoples' many issues and concerns. But, every once in a while, I just want to bunker myself away in my room and close out everyone. Maybe that sounds counter-intuitive. It probably is. I probably need someone to help me, but my fear is that I WILL find someone who wants to help me and I just don't want help right then.

    In those moments, I try to zone out with a good TV show I should be watching (suggestions?) or a netflix movie or a good book or some slightly sad or strongly dance music. And, it temporarily passes.

    The real question is how to solve the issue (problem) and not just the temporary symptoms. Well, that may be another whole topic. :-)

    Good luck, brothah.
    - M

  7. Following up on Michaela Stephens' comment...I bought some flavored frozen vegetables in a prepared microwave pouch and after eating them felt super depressed and down (and overloaded on sodium).

    Today I ate a fresh salad with no flavoring (nor dressing!) with a lot of greens, nuts and seeds, etc. I felt great afterward. Amazing how processed vs. natural foods can affect our mood.

  8. But realize that everything He gives you in life is to help you and the people around you come closer to Him.

    I really like the whole last paragraph, especially the above statement. I agree that we are here to help each other out and we meet people for a reason. We have experiences for a reason. You help so many people by your blog even though you may not know how much or see the results of your blog. I love your optimism and love for God.

    Your are any inspiration to me. Continue being who you are. SMILE God loves you.

    David don't push people away that come into your life. God puts them their for a reason. I know it is not easy and I don't understand everything you go through. Remember that people sincerely care about you. Not everyone that comes into your life is going to try to change you. You are great they way you are.

    A wise friend of mine gave the following advice to the questions I asked him. Pray about it. At first i'm like ok, but is there any other advice, but then I realized that Praying is the key. This friend has a strong relationship with heavenly father and puts him first always. I believe I met this friend for a reason. He has helped em grow spiritually and with many other areas.


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