Friday, December 4

Ironically Messed Up

I did some reflection today and realized how messed up I am.

I'm autistic, and while I've worked with dozens of therapists, few were able to even understand me, let alone help me see improvement.

I was sexually abused by someone I trusted.

I bear scars of major emotional abuse (thanks whichever therapist told me that...), probably symptomatic from autism and a late diagnosis.

I'm attracted to guys and not girls.

My adolescence was made up entirely of and dictated by bipolar mood swings.

My habits and hobbies all changed to match bipolar. Everything, from cleaning my room to exercise, revolved around the cycles of up and down.

I'm no longer bipolar. I don't have depression anymore, but the pattern that governed my life is broken... so everything - including my life, room, and exercise habits - is a mess.

Being my close friend seems to cause massive amounts of chaos in people's lives. And the chaos doesn't seem to go away.

I can't seem to communicate properly with most people unless I'm in a specific role and I know what to say... and then is that really real communication?

Someone told me, after knowing me for over a year, that until I asked to be their friend a week earlier, I was literally terrifying as a person... and that even though they wanted to be my friend, they assumed I didn't want to be theirs. Others have said I exude an aura of "don't touch me" or "I'm not interested."

I'm hypersensitive to touch, so touch confers intense emotional meaning. For a long time I avoided being touched, ever... and then realized I needed it but was essentially a one-year-old who pokes other kids in the eye because they don't get it but then cry if a dog licks them. Yeah.

I'm terrified of pushing people away... and even more terrified of getting close to people because of how awful it is to be rejected... and see burning bridges.

My mind doesn't always prioritize the right information, so instead of a list of people who have hurt me and ideas of how to improve for the future, I often just feel hurt.

Instead of turning to people and opening myself up when I need help most (and hence creating opportunities to improve relationships), I turn away from relationships and potential friendships and write on a blog. First, because it's safer to write to faceless masses. I'm terrified of losing relationships, so much so that I avoid even starting them, and I'm afraid to just talk to people because my thoughts aren't put together. But anyone who reads my blog isn't going to think twice about my going through something frustrating or just talking. And it doesn't impinge on their time. They can change the page or stop reading when they want, and read when they do. 

Add to that the fact that turning to (G)MG, and processing my thoughts here, instead of with people in real life, sometimes helps people in dire situations. So in addition to being easier, I feel obligated to the unknown people who could potentially find something useful in my thoughts.

And then people in my life read my blog... and some wonder why I didn't talk to them or tell them what I was thinking in person, and others never talk to me in person because they already read my blog.

I've realized that the few close friendships I've had were usually based on romantic attraction. The other person was willing to brave the chaos that comes from being my friend because they were in love with me.


That's not completely accurate.

I mean, I have an amazing relationship with one of my sisters. That isn't based on attraction. So I can't really just say it's attraction, though that was how it was in my head a few minutes ago... and for the past long time. But it's also not enough to say "attraction or family," because my relationships with some family members have been some of the toughest ones in my life. And there have been people who were my close friends when there was no attraction involved - though those were somewhat rare.

I've always just classified those people as outliers in my life. Unexplained blips on the social chart that just happen. But writing it here, I just realized I can't do that. Because that's not really fair to them or reality. I have had relationships with people that were different from the norm, and they weren't based on attraction or just being family members. There was something different about them... or, perhaps more, different about the way that we communicated.

I feel like, potentially, those people who got far enough to hit the chaos... I'm not sure how to describe it. We could communicate clearly? Most of the time, I feel like my conversations are underwater. Garbled, with tons of things said that I can't hear and neither can they. But I look back and... the other group feels different. These were people I could communicate with... conversations where I felt safe being myself no matter what that meant... and where sometimes I didn't even have to finish my sentence for the other person to get my meaning.

Wow. I was about to honestly rethink blogging to process my thoughts because I realize how messed up I am to turn to a phone instead of people, and then I have a revelation that totally changes how I think and helps me realize that learning to understand and be understood should be primary factors in developing and growing relationships... which may not have happened if I weren't writing my thoughts on my phone's screen for the world to see.


I really am messed up.


  1. You are no more "messed up" than anyone else on this planet, David. We are all imperfect beings and the fact that you can clearly and artfully articulate your feelings and shortcomings reflects your bravery and integrity. Keep up the great writing.. You make the world a better place by your presence in it.

  2. I like reading your blog, David. I've learned alot from your thoughts. It has helped me in some ways to understand a family member who seems to think along the same lines as you do, as far as personal communication. And social interactions are very difficult, almost impossible, for her. Sometimes, it is hard for me to talk with her, sometimes I want to throw up when I know she is going to call. I have no idea of which way she will be feeling. But I always express my love for her, which is genuine. Please keep writing, I feel that you have a positive message, and you have strength. Don't give up.

  3. David, I really appreciated this post. And to warn you, I may fumble with my words here, but I hope you can get the gist of what I'm trying to say. Instead of saying you're messed up, I would say you're Human. We all are. We're all flawed, we all make mistakes and have fears and quirks. But one great gift our Heavenly Father has given us is the capability or capacity to grow, learn and improve! We have an innate desire or need to connect with our fellow human beings, and He has given us many different ways to do so. Blogging is just one. So using this tool or method of communication, I hope you will rethink how you see yourself, and see yourself as human instead of being messed up. I know you know this already, but you are a Divine Son with the great gift of improvement.

  4. I don't think that you are necessarily that much more messed up than most human beings. I know that I have struggled with some of the same things and lots of different things in my 48 years on this planet. I think it is so very hard to, but so important to remember that we are spiritual beings having a human experience. And that is just hard most days.

  5. Everyone is messed up in their own way. One thing that is not messed up is your writing style, you write really well.

  6. Amen to all of the above comments. Being messed up is part of the human condition which is why we have need of a Savior and Redeemer. He makes possible order out of chaos, healing out of hurt, and growth out of adversity. No one, absolutely no one gets through this life without pain, trials, sorrows, and such. Thank you for your honesty, clarity and humility. You help many people that you most likely won't meet in person until the next life. And that will be a joyous time!

  7. I feel like you completely get me! I am the most socially awkward person and yet I have so much to say but I get frustrated because it all comes out jumbled...unless I'm with the right people and then my words flow. But those people are somewhat rare. Few get me. I always felt like an outsider, like even my own family doesn't get me. Only person that ever did was my husband. It really does help stabilize me to have someone to talk to about all my issues and he just seems to be on the same wavelength. Can I just say I totally appreciate your blog?? I am not gay, but I have really been struggling to understand sga and how do I feel about those who have it, because I always thought it was just a weakness (we all have them!) And it is meant to be overcome. I get confused with society and the way everyone is now openly embracing and encouraging it. While I don't think it is evil to have sga at all!! I do think your blog illustrates the power of the atonement perfectly. Also our weaknesses help give us strengths. I think you are an amazing person! I hope and pray that you will find your other half :) I'm sure she is out there, feeling similar as you. Awkward. Haha.


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