Tuesday, January 5

Open Again

The move is complete. Nature's Fusions is moved to its new location, and The Soap Factory opens its doors again tomorrow for customers at our new location on center street in Provo. The last few weeks have been stressful and chaotic - trying to move the store, then simultaneously maneuver all the legal issues, tax and licensing, more licensing and fees, plumbing and power and gas and signage and parking and new equipment to make the space look beautiful.

It took a lot of time. I guess it took longer the last time we opened a store... but this time we were on a time crunch. It just felt like a lot of long days, with me and Mitchell putting in lots of hours.

But we open tomorrow, which means that we're ready. Well, we have to be ready even if we're not.

The chaos of moving overlapped with New Years. This year I just went to sleep on New Years Eve. I didn't go anywhere or do anything... I just went to sleep.

My goals this year are across the board. One is to take better care of my body. I already eat well, but exercise has been sporadic. With a gym literally next door and a membership where I can take a friend each time I go, I'm hoping that this year can be different.

Another goal is to be more positive. This one ties to my main goal for the year - to be less afraid.

When people meet me, the last thing they imagine me to be is afraid. Proud? Probably. Outgoing? Maybe. Awkward? Yeah. Shy? If you catch me at a difficult time. But afraid? No. Not David. And yet I am. I live in constant, ever-present fear. 

Very few people have ever been able to see my fear. Most see the person I am trying to be - outgoing, passionate, friendly, happy - and can't see past the outer shell to see deep into who I am. 

The reality is that sometimes I sit at home alone in tears because I am afraid to call or text someone, afraid to go outside, and afraid to do anything but sit there. 

I know that sounds melodramatic. And absurd. It is. It's also real.

Some of my fears are unfounded - I could probably go watch a movie on Netflix without anything terrible happening in my life. 

Other fears are rooted in experiences from my life. If I call someone, or text them, or email them, there's a good chance that I'll do something that will stress our relationship... and then the friendship will be over. Even if I have a good excuse, it may still happen. With a couple relationships, I feel comfortable enough that I can make a phone call or send a text without jeopardizing everything, but most never get to that point.

Is that logical? Maybe. Maybe not. But it is a constant, real fear that I face, and it literally keeps me from doing anything with anyone, ever, or reaching out to others unless there is a good excuse, unless I'm invited first. Life is about reciprocity, and gripping fear makes it close to impossible for me to join.

So my goal this year is to be less afraid.

I don't know how it will happen, or what to do to make it happen. The fear is founded on bad experiences, so maybe making good ones will help it go away. But am I appreciably different from the guy who destroyed fledgling relationships not that long ago? Or will it just be the same end result?

Even if I am still the same person, maybe it's worth overcoming the fear anyway. Fear doesn't come from God. Faith does. Blind faith doesn't, and I can be aware that I'm walking on dangerous ground... but I can learn to have faith in God and trust Him even if everything goes wrong. In some situations, it hasn't gone all wrong. I greet people at Church because I want to reach out, and I don't think anyone hates me for that.

I guess that's my answer. It's worth trying for a lot of reasons. Opening up and showing the real me is something worthwhile. Because people are worthwhile. Because I'm worthwhile. And because overcoming fear is a good thing to do, even if all the fears come true.

I have a long way to go.

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