Gay Marriage and Anti-Gay Discrimination

Having same-sex attraction as a part of my life has meant, for me, that I honestly care for others who have same-sex attraction as much as everyone else... and maybe even more. I feel a kinship to them. I think that's normal - I feel connected to people who have lived lives similar to mine and faced the same mountains to climb.

I also know that acting on that attraction, like every other action, is a controllable, personal choice. Homosexual activity is not an inborn trait. 

I have no problems with laws that forbid discrimination based on inherent attraction. It actually shocked me when I first realized that situations like that existed - where I could lose opportunities simply because I feel an attraction to other men, regardless of my choices or actions in relation to that attraction. 

And there is definitely still work that needs to be done in that respect. Even with laws, discrimination still happens on a far more personal level... a level that doesn't ever really see the light of day in the modern debates and protests.

I overheard a conversation between a few women who were talking about guys they knew... and one remarked that a guy she had dated was really into fashion. The response to her comment made me catch my breath: "You have to be really careful. Some of those guys are gay... and you definitely don't want that!" The conversation then drifted to stories of family members who had been abandoned by unfaithful gay husbands or fathers, and the frustration and betrayal they had seen.

I've heard those stories before. I know some of them personally. But, perhaps naively, I had never turned them back on my own circumstance. Each of the women in the group made a clear assertion that she didn't want to marry a man who was gay; and, from the tone of their conversation, it was apparent that gay meant not only those who acted on their attractions, but all of those who only had the attractions in the first place.

That would mean that I, by simple nature, would have already been cut from their dating pool... without ever having a chance.

I wonder how widespread that kind of feeling is in the world. 

I definitely don't want to marry an alcoholic, or a drug addict, or someone who doesn't keep their covenants. But would I be willing to marry someone with major trials and baggage, even if they matched me, I was in love, and they had done everything they could to choose the right? Are there things that I would never want in a marriage that, in reality, are just prejudices without substance?

I think the error there comes from the assumption that having same-sex attraction is the same thing as acting on same-sex attraction. But there is a big difference between discrimination based on inherent traits and discrimination based on action. Choices based on action are the core of what I see as society. I choose employees based on their past actions. I choose to serve customers or not based on past actions. I choose which employers to pursue, which restaurants to frequent, which candidate to elect, which church to attend, which people to befriend, and every other social and relational choice based on actions. 

I believe what is outlined in the family proclamation: that the sacred powers of procreation are reserved only for expression between husband and wife, legally and lawfully wedded. Anything outside of that - adultery, homosexual behavior, whatever - is a violation of the law of chastity, and I don't support, condone, or endorse sin.

Some of the laws and rulings on gay marriage include protections for religious institutions. But none of them include protections for me... and on that count, society fails to make a major distinction. If I'm a photographer and refuse to photograph a same-sex wedding because I believe same-sex marriage is inherently wrong and do not wish to support it with my time, creative effort, and indirect stamp of approval, today's judges will tell me I'm discriminating against people with homosexual attractions when, in reality, I'm discriminating against homosexual behavior. 

There are plenty of other things that I can legitimately refuse to photograph, but this one is somehow different in their eyes. The same if I won't open a party room to a commitment ceremony in my restaurant, or a guest home for the same reason. Along the same line, I could be relieved of my license to place children through adoption if I refuse to consider homosexuals... and the list goes on. 

I'd be happy to photograph men or women with same-sex attraction. I take pictures of myself already. But not in a circumstance that endorses or condones immoral behavior. I'm happy opening up a restaurant to anyone who supports actions I support, men and women with same-sex attraction included. I'll even place a child for adoption with a husband and wife if they both had same-sex attraction, as long as they were good parents. But I will not condone or endorse immoral behavior, and that has nothing to do with attraction. If asked to place my approval on anything that I don't agree with, I treat everyone and everything exactly the same, regardless of sex, race, gender, religion, or any other trait - because I would not be willing to endorse their actions.

Today's debates gloss over that. Ultimately, they're not talking about the issues that I see as central - the relational discrimination that is still happening, against people regardless of their actions, and the impact of laws on gay marriage. And, if it keeps moving the way it's moving, people will still discriminate against others in their personal relationships, and I'll be the next target of discrimination - the guy with same-sex attraction, who, unlike churches with legal protections, will be barred from practicing or asserting my beliefs about same-sex attraction... because of my faith.

Shhhhhh...

I think too much. I'm not sure if that's a trait shared by other guys with same-sex attraction, or if it's just me, but I definitely think too much. I find myself poring over my thoughts, my hopes, my dreams, and my fears, and fabricating complex rationales for most of the things I believe. I'm not happy with just experiencing life - I have to understand every facet of life that I can see.

Sometimes my tendency to meditate on everything comes in handy. When I need to create a project, I can manufacture elaborate plans, come up with dozens of alternatives, and see potential pitfalls before they happen. When I am thinking about people who I care about, they fill my every waking moment - something that was great at reminding me of my purpose as a missionary.

But sometimes it isn't ideal. Take, for example, the amount of stress that dating causes me. Most people would say to just go with the flow; instead, I find myself analyzing every move before I make it, and trying to determine its impact after it's made. It affects my spirituality when I obsess over my weaknesses, and consumes me when I need to change something in my life... blowing them out of proportion and, effectively, making them a much larger part of my consciousness than they were in the first place.

I found myself thinking too much over the last few days. And then I remembered an experience from my mission. I was in Church, wondering how I was going to deal with a major problem, and it was time for the Sacrament. The prayer was said, and my mind continued to race... and then I had the thought, "Mormon Guy, you should be thinking about the Sacrament. Shhhhhhh... be quiet. Be calm. Be still and know that I am God." So I closed my eyes, calmed my racing thoughts, and, almost immediately, a bolt of clarity showed me what I needed to do. I was so engaged in worrying about the problem that I wasn't open to the Spirit and His direction in my life.

The times that I've taken time to pull myself away from the world have always been positive. I've learned about who I am, what I want to accomplish, and I understand how to better apply the gospel in my life to find happiness and joy. It's like the feeling I get in the Celestial Room of the temple - peace, understanding, perspective, and hope. For a moment, everything is right in the world.

I think that taking time to think (without falling asleep) and ponder is important. But taking time to rest - and just listen, without engaging the constant deluge of thoughts and stimuli, is just as important. I, of all people, need to remember this in my life. To take time to be holy, to stop and listen, to disengage from the insanity of life to breathe. And as I do, I'm better able to hear the Lord and follow His promptings.

Shhhhhh...

Standards for New Situations in New For the Strength of Youth

For the Strength of Youth, a source of clear and direct outlines of basic Church standards, underwent a revision process this last year, and the booklets are being distributed to wards and branches throughout the Church. I love this book. It's designed to help Church members create habits in living the standards that will guide them throughout their lives.

There is no double standard in the Church. The standards apply universally to youth, adults, and all other members. That's why they're called "standards" and not "youthful suggestions."

The new booklet covers issues that weren't present during the last revision in 2001 - things like mobile devices - and clarifies other issues. There's a section on emotional health that talks about depression, a new section on education, and some other cool features. The pdf or printed booklet itself has more text than the resources available online at standards.lds.org.

There's a paragraph on same-gender attraction, but the section that really spoke to me when I read it this morning was on agency and accountability. I'll include some of the last paragraph here.

Some sinful behavior may bring temporary, worldly pleasure, but such choices delay your progress and lead to heartache and misery. Righteous choices lead to lasting happiness and eternal life. Remember, true freedom comes from using your agency to choose obedience; loss of freedom comes from choosing disobedience.

That's true. When I find myself faced with the choice of following pleasure or pursuing lasting happiness, the only way to find peace is to follow God. He has given me all the tools to be happy, if I will follow Him and keep His commandments.

The Prop 8 Firestorm Is Back

It's been a week since the 9th District Court ruled that California's amendment to the constitution was unconstitutional. The outlash of emotion bottled since the last foray has erupted, with charged and pent-up anger, frustration, and misunderstanding coloring both sides. Name-calling, deliberate misinterpretation, mudslinging and personal fouls have become the norm of those trying to get their point across... and it's not just in private communique; the public sphere of forums and debates has been laid with traps and mines by zealots on either side, ready to catch anyone so foolhardy as to say an errant word. Both sides are entrenched, ready and waiting for their part in the battle that has already begun to ensue.

But no one can see the fatal mistake. The real enemy has already administered poison by degrees, and it's only a matter of time before both sides succumb.

For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places. - Ephesians 6:12

In the wake of the decision by the court, the Church gave a short news report. It reiterated the Church's position and then, at the end, gave counsel to those involved:

"We recognize that this decision represents a continuation of what has been a vigorous public debate over the rights of the people to define and protect the fundamental institution of marriage. There is no doubt that today’s ruling will intensify the debate in this country. We urge people on all sides of this issue to act in a spirit of mutual respect and civility toward those with a different opinion."

I'm not an expert in communication with respect and civility, but I've tried to become better at communicating with others. In that tone, here are some of the things I do to share my testimony, on this subject, with the world.

1. Don't use metaphors. In the Church we use metaphors and symbols regularly. It helps to compare our thoughts and ideas. Metaphors are always imperfect though, and in heated situations can be taken too literally, and are easily taken for a change in subject. I don't compare same-sex marriage to anything else, or bring up any other topic during the conversation, even if I feel that same-sex marriage is like (insert event here).

2. Use "I" and speak about my own personal experiences and testimony. I do not have authority to make statements of doctrine. But a sincere, honest testimony about the gospel and its blessings always opens doors and hearts far more than pontificating on doctrine and the reasons behind it.

3. Don't bash or retaliate. If the discussion begins to degenerate into slurs or tangential arguments, stay focused on the ideals at hand and focused on my own experience. Don't call names, make remarks about judgment or remarks of others, use sarcasm, or tongue-in-cheek statements... and let them roll off if they are directed at me. People will never listen to epithets, and burning bridges that will always need to be crossed again is the absolute worst way to come unto Christ. Honesty, sincerity, humility, and kindness will always do far more for the cause than getting in the last word.

4. Think twice, write once, edit thrice, and think again. What I write online lasts forever. Literally - forever. Saying the wrong thing, or posting something with an unintended double entendre, will have lasting negative effects. It may be tempting to dive into the fray at ground zero, but often it is far more compelling to think, watch, and contribute only when I know what I have to say is worthwhile. And once I've written it, I stop and think again - not only about what I've written, but about the ways it could be interpreted and the impact it might have on the discussion as a whole.

5. Focus improvement inward - not outward. Sometimes I feel pressured into the trap of thinking that I am the source of truth that needs to be instilled in others. I'm drawn to take my light and shine it as brightly as possible on others, hoping that some of it will enter and change their nature. That's the trap outlined in the opening scene of this post - each side has weapons of knowledge and truth, hoping to use them to advance on the field. That may seem effective in advancing a specific cause, but that's not how it works in helping people change and learn truth. Light and truth doesn't come from individuals. It comes from God, and individually, through the ministration of the Holy Ghost. What that means is that if I want someone to learn truth, I need to create an environment where he can hear the Holy Ghost. In the end, this is what guides what I say and write most.


There is a war raging, and I find myself standing at the front. But my opponents are not protestors or activists, politicians or judges. My opponents are greed, hatred, frustration, impatience, dishonor, misunderstanding, and spite. And hopefully, against those opponents, I can triumph... and in doing so in my own life, make the world a better place.

He's My Neighbor

It's been a little while since it first happened. I got home from my day's activities, opened up my web browser, and logged in to my Gmail account for Mormon Guy. I glanced through the emails, scanning topics and senders, and then stopped and stared. It was there in the From: box - a person I knew, and not just in passing. A person I knew really well. Some names in the world are common. But the LDS world is small. Really small. And the picture that came up when the pointer paused above the name confirmed the thought. Definitely someone I knew.

I wondered what I would do if someone I knew asked me for help. It's easy to help strangers, when anonymity is equally dispersed, but what about people I know? All of my contacts related to (G)MG have come from the blog and moved into real life - not the other way around. I'm not sure how I would feel about suddenly switching roles with someone in my life. That thought was cut short when I realized it was just a comment to post. Not an issue. Relief... because I don't have to make the decision - a decision that would complicate another relationship and potentially end with my breaking anonymity with another person.

Since then it's happened multiple times, with all sorts of interesting connections... sometimes asking for help, usually simply just sending a letter or posting a comment. She doesn't realize that I was once in her ward. He doesn't know that I met him at a party years ago. He's my neighbor. She doesn't know that we went on a date once. No one realizes how closely we are all tied together.

And I guess I don't realize it, either. In just as many cases, I've probably met men and women somewhere in life, and never guessed that someday our paths would cross again.

I wonder what trials the people around me face... and, more importantly, what I can do to help them. If making sure to smile, or ask about their lives, or spend an extra minute talking while under a deadline would make a difference. I know that if people simply cared about me, and involved me in the real aspects of their lives, my problems would seem far less insuperable. And I'm sure it's the same for others... people sitting next to me right now, talking down the hallway, standing in front of me in the checkout line.

(Drowning in) The Dating Pool

I've seen references in popular culture that claimed all the nicest guys (from a nonmember female perspective) are either Mormon or attracted to other guys; in both cases, the niceness is because they're not interested enough for objectifying to happen, or something like that. I'm not sure where I was going with that thought. Maybe a punch line that highlights being both... but that doesn't sound very compelling. Whatever.

I'm finding myself in a predicament that makes me step back and think. I'm dating more often as of recent - different girls, never really one in particular - and early in dates I sometimes see things that are major red flags. Lifestyle choices that are in direct conflict with mine and attitudes that are sometimes exactly opposite what I'm looking for in an eternal companion. Some of my dates are setups by others; some are spur-of-the-moment events when I can tell a girl is interested, and rarely there's actually something in a girl's personality that makes me think it's worth looking in to. The problem I face is this: how long am I supposed to give someone a "chance" in dating? How long should I put aside my lack of interest, or frustration with habits or lifestyle, to see if maybe sparks will miraculously appear where there is nothing, or should I even wait at all? Should I indulge the subconscious list of important ancillary traits or do none of my own personal feelings really matter?

Obviously some of my feelings aren't crucial. Wanting to find someone who can sing beautifully isn't really key to bliss in this life or the next. But I'm wondering where it all fits in with me. I've never fallen in love with a girl before. I have no idea how it will happen. But, if/when it does, that really shouldn't be enough to completely base an eternal relationship - even if falling in love is a miracle on my part. All the books and classes and conversations say that compatibility is a huge key in determining future difficulties in marriage. Yeah, a super-valiant guy can marry a super-valiant girl and make it work, but I'm already going to have to work a whole lot to make an eternal marriage work, considering the stories I've received from men and women who are doing the same thing. Worth it? Definitely. But hard? Much, much harder than they imagined when they set out, even with eyes open to the obstacles in the way.

I guess I'm trying to balance a few opposing ideals:

Dating for the sake of dating: getting to know others, having fun, identifying characteristics I can improve or that I may want in a future companion.

Dating to find compatibility: finding and dating people who closely match the traits that are important to me for raising a family and living the gospel.

Dating to fall in love: when a red flag comes up, staying in a relationship anyway, until I'm somewhat certain that I'm not going to fall in love, even with work.

Dating according to the Lord's guidelines: any girl is date-able if she is striving to be faithful, keep the commandments, follow the Spirit, and preparing to be a mother.

Dating while trying to adhere to the social norms everyone else follows: I don't think most people would date someone they are totally not attracted to. But, barring that difference, is it okay to go on three dates with a girl just for the sake of dating? I think that people usually drop potential dates when they see lots of red flags, unless there's something really compelling about the girl. They don't ask girls out again if they're completely uninterested.

I guess that opens up another avenue of questions. I don't think I've ever asked men who live with same-sex attraction, who knew about it during their dating years, who also fell in love with women and are happily married, how they approached dating. Obviously something worked for them, and while each circumstance is different, focusing on the success stories and their process might shed light on best practices.

Thoughts? What works for you in dating? What doesn't?

Hidden Struggles

Yesterday in one of the classroom discussions at Church the conversation turned, as it often does, to marriage. I'm sure that other wards can't talk about it as much as we do. Maybe. Some people hate it. I love it. I mean, if I'm going to be the world's best husband and dad some day, I'm definitely need a ton of preparation. I welcome all the help I can get. Among the topics that came out in the swirling discussion were pornography, honesty, fidelity after marriage, being open with others, dating (our dating stats are probably about as good as our hometeaching stats - dismal), and how to change our lives if/when we find ourselves in the pit of despair due to our own sins. I listened for a reference to homosexuality, and it came up for a second as the teacher shared a story from a friend, but then it disappeared in the discussion that followed. The teacher definitely didn't live with same-sex attraction, and I doubt that he realized that any of us did either.

That thought made me stop and ponder for a moment. If my trials aren't readily apparent to anyone else... then the same is probably true in the cases of others. I found myself looking around the room, realizing that here, in the boundaries of my ward, there are people with countless hidden struggles - pornography, depression, disability, illness & pain, and everything else under the sun. I'm pretty sure there are other men and women who live with same-sex attraction. They sit next to me in Sunday School, speak in my Sacrament meeting, and work with me on projects and activities... and I have no idea about the troubles they face.

What would I say if everyone in the classroom lived with same-sex attraction? How about if they struggled with pornography or fought depression on a daily basis? I'm definitely not a callous person, but sometimes I'm exhausted from life and don't take the time to ask people about their lives and listen to their responses (and give them plenty of time to respond through small talk), even though I know I should. I ask, and of nothing seems wrong then I respond in kind and move on - unaware of the trials hidden beneath the surface and not developing a relationship of trust deep enough to help them come to light.

I need to get better at that. I need to remember that everyone was sent here to Earth and given trials beyond their ability to bear alone. Everyone has major problems. Maybe they're not visible on the outside, but they're there... and as I do my part to help people without seeing their struggles, I am doing my part to help my brothers and sisters - including those who live next to me with same-sex attraction. I need to get better at a lot of other things too. I'm way too un-excitable in my life. I don't smile or laugh enough. I probably over think everything that happens in life, and I'm really bad at telling people how much I care about them. I'm way judgmental of my own actions and mistakes, and hold myself to a high standard, and I think that sometimes people assume I feel the same way about their flaws. I'm bad at giving constructive feedback and I don't give enough compliments or praise considering the caliber of people with whom I associate. And beyond that I'm still a sinner.

But that's all I really can do. Put people's names on the temple prayer roll, pray for friends and strangers by name and by trial, be kind and outgoing and understanding and a good example and try to befriend others notwithstanding my weaknesses and frustrations in life. And, in the end, I need to realize that this is not my work. I'm not a superhero who is single-handedly saving the world, or even saving one person. I'm a servant, a worker, under the Master of all mankind - the One who will save us and redeem all of humanity. I don't need to save the world - because He already has, and does, as He answers prayers and heals hearts through the millions of people who open their lives to following the counsel of the Holy Ghost. This was His work long before it was my work, and He cares about His children far more than I can. He will move Heaven and Earth to ensure that each and every man and woman has the best possible chance to grow and return to Him. I just need to do my part - be willing to follow God and use my own talents, trials, time, and faith to build the kingdom one by one... and He, whether personally or through others, will always take care of the rest.

Something We All Can Do

I've been thinking a lot lately about what I would change in the world. Some things are simple - systems and processes and organizations that don't seem to make any sense in my mind. But others are far too complex to even hope that I could make a difference on my own. A recurring theme is wanting to help people who have the light of the gospel and turn away because their lives are too hard, too painful, too anything... and trying to determine what I can do, and what the world could do, to help them find faith.

If I could write a guidebook for all the members of the Church, or everyone in the world, it would encourage men and women to love one another - to find ways to get to know the hearts of others and to listen to them with open hearts and open ears. It would tell men to pray for others, to talk with them, to offer to be a major part of their lives whether or not something seems wrong. To withhold judgment and honestly care about people, and to care about them regardless of what happens in the end. It would push men to find the good in others and focus on it, instead of boxing them into types or labels or mass prejudices. If it took into account men who struggle with same-sex attraction as well, it would focus on the blessings of living the gospel, and the blessings of keeping the commandments (not simply telling them to get married... or even that their problems would be simply fixed) in the here and now.

But there are so many people in the world... and each of our experiences is so different and dynamic. I could never write a book or manual that would accurately touch on every potential aspect of life over the lives of 100 billion people. And so, anything I wrote would be filled with a thousand things that apply equally to everyone... and yet also have the strength to change the lives of individuals, the power to bring a man from sorrow to joy, from despair to hope, from fear to faith.

And while I could write something that maybe would make a difference in my life, or in the lives of a few people in humanity, I could never really hope to write anything that would either be truly applicable, useful, and personal to individuals in humanity and also make it universally applicable to generations and cultures over the expanse of time. Only someone who truly understands the principles of truth that underlie eternity itself, and can see the complex interaction of those principles in the lives of every person to ever live could do such a thing, could perform such a task.

And that's why God wrote the scriptures.
The scriptures hold the answers to all of life's questions. They reveal the truth of eternities as applied to my life and every life. They open the door to revelation and tune my heart and soul to listen to God Himself... and if I follow all His teachings and realize His plan, I find happiness, peace, hope, and joy, no matter who I am or what trials I face.

...and for that, I am eternally grateful.

The Juxtaposition of Hope and Reality

The last few months have made me wonder about my life, what really happens, and where I'm going. Part of the time I find myself inspired and lifted by hope - convinced that everything will work out in the near future and optimistic through the rough points of my experience. Other days, I find that optimism wanting, and, when people ask how I'm doing or I take a break from the stress of everyday, I honestly look at my life and realize that it is not ideal. Nowhere near ideal. I have so many unsolved problems that I wonder if I will ever make enough headway to be a profitable servant in the Lord's kingdom, and at least a hundred reasons for why I haven't found the right girl become self-apparent.

I think this juxtaposition - the optimism and forward-acting nature of hope and faith, versus the fatalism and frustration of my interpretation of reality - is a big source of my difficulties in life. If I were blissfully unaware of the happiness that family life and better relationships entail, perhaps I wouldn't think about my own state as much. But at the same time, perhaps that same bliss would deaden the sense of urgency to move closer to Christ and become a better person with each passing day. Hence the positive and negative... and the power of having both.

Looking at my own life, much of the good I have accomplished has been due to the balancing of these two forces, and ultimately learning to submit to faith. My commitment to help others came out of it, as did many of the habits I learned as a missionary and serving in the Church. So did my love of people, writing this blog, and a hundred other things in my life - all held in place because of two very real truths - through living the gospel I can find peace and hope, and my life is sometimes not peaceful or hopeful. Which means that with each passing day, I strive to find ways to better live by the principles that I believe.

This trial - life - seems so incredibly perfect sometimes. Hard enough to make you cry and want to give up, yet just bearable enough to allow you the strength to turn to God, find faith, and thrive. If I had designed my life, I don't think I would have chosen the facets I've seen in a thousand years... and yet the task at hand matches me so perfectly. Am I willin to put everything - everything on the altar of sacrifice? Am I willing to live my life according to the tenets that God has revealed, even when they seem disordinately different from my own experience? And can I develop the faith I need to live, thrive, and find happiness in a dichotomous environment? I guess time, and the decisions I make, will tell whether my hopes influence and guide my reality, or the other way around.

CES Fireside Tonight - 6:00 MST - Elder Jensen

There's a CES fireside tonight; Elder Jay E Jensen will be speaking at 6:00 MST to young adults all over the world. You can watch the fireside live at cesdevotionals.LDS.org or get the live audio feed at mormonchannel.org.

I'll probably be tweeting the fireside live. You can follow me on Twitter - @gaymormonguy - and you'll hear from me tonight!

Even though it be a cross that raiseth me

I was just playing the piano and listening to the words of hymns in my mind, and the last one I played was "Nearer, My God, to Thee." For a long time I've known that all of the things the Lord gave me - same-sex attraction included - were gifts to help me somehow return to Him. But the music of this hymn, seems to break through the simple words I've used before and speak volumes to my heart.

Nearer, my God, to Thee, nearer to Thee!
E'en though it be a cross that raiseth me.
Still all my song shall be nearer my, my God, to Thee,
Nearer, my God, to Thee, nearer to Thee!

Though like the wanderer, the sun gone down,
Darkness be over me, my rest a stone,
Yet in my dreams I'd be nearer, my God to Thee,
Nearer, my God, to Thee, nearer to Thee!

There let the way appear, steps unto heav'n;
All that Thou sendest me, in mercy giv'n;
Angels to beckon me nearer, my God, to Thee,
Nearer, my God, to Thee, nearer to Thee!

Then with my waking thoughts bright with Thy praise,
Out of my stony griefs Bethel I'll raise;
So by my woes to be nearer, my God, to Thee,
Nearer, my God, to Thee, nearer to Thee!

The Lord knows my heart, and He knows me as His son. He loves me, and because He does, He gives me everything I need to be happy and to come closer - nearer - to Him. The cross that lifts me is my own. I have been given trials and tribulations - steps unto Heaven, given by God through His mercy and love - intended specifically for me... and with the one express purpose of lifting me from the mundane world of mortality and raising me up to happiness, joy, love, and eternal life. With that in mind, I can look at my life, my circumstances, and who I am inside... and turn to follow God and become nearer to Him. And as I do, everything will work out.

Or if on bended wing, cleaving the sky,
Sun, moon, and stars forgot, upwards I fly,
Still all my songs shall be nearer, my God, to Thee.
Nearer, my God, to Thee, nearer to Thee!

Resolutions

I find that holidays seem to bring out the best and worst in me. The best, as I have the opportunity to spend a few days away from the stress of life - trying to relax. The worst, as I find myself brooding over the events in my life and wondering exactly which way I'm supposed to go.

This holiday season was no different.

I sat down to try to make goals for my life, and realized that, in many cases, I don't really even have a direction that I'm traveling. I'm just living each day as it comes. And without a direction, it's useless to create a goal to get there.

Living each day in the moment has some major benefits. I don't have to worry about what will happen tomorrow, or the next day, or the next. Keeping the commandments is far easier when you only look forward to the end of the day, and then let the next day fend for itself. But there are major drawbacks as well. It's hard to tell exactly what I've accomplished, how I've made a difference in the world (if any), and how I am changing in my life. Am I really any better than I was two months ago? Or a year ago? If so, how? Maybe I'm just really bad at remembering the things I write and the concepts they entail in my life, but I find myself wondering about if I'm even moving forward at all - and where forward is, if I'm moving there. And that's where I am today. Not really sure which direction I'm supposed to be going, in any of the facets of my life, and trying to stay afloat and on top of the commitments I've already made.

Somedays I feel like I am a living teeter-totter. Going back and forth and back and forth just because - with nothing really stable to hold on to. The gospel is stable, and following it's principles will always bring peace, but how those principles apply and what they mean to me seem to change with each passing day.

Wow. This post doesn't make a lot of sense. But, then again, neither does life sometimes. And there's the take-away: if I live my life the best I can, regardless of how much sense it does or doesn't make to me or others, the Lord will make it all work out in the end. All things will be for my good, if I serve God and keep His commandments. So that's the only direction that really matters. Stay close to God, come unto Him, and it will all work out. Nice.

Christmas Traditions

It's always been a tradition in my family to watch the Nativity - and in the years since I left home, I've continued to keep it. This year, the Church has created amazing videos that are available online - at Mormon Channel - Bible Videos

The videos have only scripted text that comes from the Bible - no extra added words... just an opportunity to listen to the Spirit. They're longer than the short nativity video I remember as a kid, but this Christmas, especially with Christmas on Sunday, I'd suggest taking the time to watch them and remember the purpose behind this season and time of the year. And as you watch, listen to the Spirit... and determine what you can give Christ this Christmas.

Ultimatum: My Conversation with God

Ul•ti•ma•tum - noun, pl. -tums
A final, uncompromising demand or set of terms issued by a party to a dispute, the rejection of which may lead to a severance of relations or to the use of force.

Throughout the less inspired portions of my life I've sometimes asked the Lord, over and over and over again, to do something that fit my demands. I wanted people to love me unconditionally. I wanted them to understand and befriend me. I wanted them to appreciate the sacrifices I was making. I wanted a happy family, the perfect life, and the ability to make my trials melt away with faith and prayer. In some of them, I found myself simply asking the Lord for help, but in others I realize that I was dictating what I would and wouldn't do, based on His involvement in my life. I was giving God ultimatums.

They all made sense to me, and, to be honest, were based on extremely poignant needs and rooted in strong faith that the Lord, in His power, could do anything for me. But with each fervent request there was a consequence I had constructed - a penalty if God did not do what I told Him I needed Him to do. I wouldn't date if I didn't have the assurance that I would someday find a wife. I wouldn't tell my priesthood leaders about past transgressions unless they, or the Lord, told me to in no uncertain terms. I wouldn't engage in life and society if society and life didn't understand me. In each case, along with the fervent prayer, was a caveat... and those caveats limited the ability of the Lord to teach me, inspire me, and help me achieve the goals I had in the first place.

An ultimatum with God tries to enforce my will, my logic, my timeframe, and my knowledge onto the ruler of the Universe... instead of humbly asking Him for help and being willing to do whatever He asks of me.

But God can give ultimatums, too.

The conversion stories of Paul, Alma the Younger, and the people of Ammon have always been intriguing to me. In a moment, these people received a personal ultimatum from God and changed a massive part of who they were, how they saw life, and how they interacted with the Lord... and never turned back. It applied to them so deeply and personally that they could never, ever forget... and it gave them the strength to resist temptation for the rest of their lives. Now I think I know, at least in part, how they felt... because it's happened to me.

A little while ago I had a dream. In the dream, I was sleeping in a bed with my siblings. I got out of bed and my mother came in the room, then clearly explained that she knew about all of my past sins. "I love you," she said, "and I understand what you are going through, perfectly. But if this (sins associated with SSA - pornography, masturbation, ...) ever happens again, you will begin to lose your ability to help them (indicating my siblings)."

The dream broke, and I woke up shaking. It was obvious to me what it meant. There's no one on earth - my mother included - who truly understands me perfectly. Only God could say that. And the consequence that He revealed - beginning to lose my ability to help my brothers and sisters here on the earth - touched me deeper than anything else could... because it was personal, because it made sense, and because I knew it was real. That was it - the Lord had drawn the line in the sand, and crossing it again, even once, would have clear, present, and lasting consequences for me... and also for others. If I ever crossed the line again, something would be lost in me - and due to my lack of faith, someone else's needs would go unmet and unnoticed.

It will take a lifetime to see what I do with the knowledge I've gained from God - whether I will value my own salvation, and my ability to help others, or whether I will trade those for the things I think I want. Whether I will make my own demands, or follow the will of God. Whether I will forget, or burn the memory in my heart. Either way, the ultimatum is down... and it's my choice from now on. I value my ability to help others, and my own eternal happiness, more than anything else, and so I plan on doing everything I can to stay faithful, no matter what the cost.