Paradoxical Dating in the Mormon World

Yesterday at the combined 5th Sunday meeting, our bishop, after a brief introduction, spoke about the importance of dating. I think it must be addressed by hundreds of bishops on 5th Sundays all over the world.

Normally talks like this are from the hip, and are simple encouragements for men to date more and women to be more willing to date. But this time he referenced a number of recent talks given by the Brethren that, taken at face value, were pretty incriminating against single men who aren't actively dating... and my ward is full of them. The end message: If you aren't moving towards marriage (which means dating), you need to repent.

Whenever I listen to discussions on dating and marriage, I find myself asking, internally, which parts apply to me and my life. None of the discussions on marriage I've ever heard have referenced those of us who live with same-sex attraction. I guess it could be for multiple reasons. Maybe those speaking don't realize that some of us are in the audience. But my bishop knows about me, and probably others in the congregation. Perhaps the situation is too complicated to really address, and he's just teaching something that applies to most, but not all. Or maybe the encouragements to date apply to us as much as anyone else.

The few times the Brethren have spoken about homosexuality and marriage, they have very clearly said that marriage is only an option in some cases... which means that for some men and women, it's not an option. Deep attraction to a member of the opposite gender is one of the requirements. But they don't talk about dating. My takeaway from those discussions is that, no matter what I face, I need to be preparing for marriage. And if I do what I should, the Lord will make sure it happens. In my case, I need to be attracted to a girl for marriage to be an option - something that hasn't happened before.

That's complicated enough, except that Church YSA culture is totally different. No one knows that I live with same-sex attraction, which means that everyone, from family to friends to well-meaning strangers have thoughts on what I should do to make me more marriageable. If only they knew. I'm not married, which means that, in many people's eyes, I'm doing something wrong.

That's compounded with the issue that dating, even if it's nigh unto a commandment and expectation in YSA culture, brings with it implied social contracts. Most men don't ask out someone they're not attracted to. The thought of even doing that sounds hollow, false, and cruel. Welcome to my world of dating. When I date, I realize that the girl I take out is going to have a totally different experience because there's no physical attraction on my part. In every case, that has been a huge blow to her. I don't tell girls that, because they then infer that it's just about them unless I tell them it's all girls (which isn't a current option), but it's not that hard to figure out. My dates are as platonic as they get.

To beat the issue, and soothe my conscience, traditionally, I'll only take out girls who are really interested in me (and I'm usually oblivious to interest unless it's extreme) - after they've gotten to know me somewhat, and after I warn them, upfront and openly, that relationships with me can be painful. We have a DTR before we even start dating. Really. I take this seriously. None of them believe me, and it's always painful if the relationship ever goes anywhere. But they all say it's worth it, and at least I know from the beginning that I was open.

So the Brethren teach that all post-mission righteous men should be dating to get married. You can't be a bishop or stake president or professional seminary teacher without being married. Then they speak to us and say that marriage may not be a possibility for some of us... who look totally normal on the outside. Church culture says that if you look normal and you're not dating, you must have something wrong with you - and most of the time the projected sin is pride or fear of commitment. (btw: Are there people who are really afraid of commitment? If I found a girl I loved, I'd drop anything for her. Man up, guys.) And then girls themselves expect you to be attracted in relationships, from the beginning. Pressure from every side.

I think this, and the huge pressures that men face during the post-mission years on this topic, may be why so many men and women with same-sex attraction leave the Church at this time of life. Telling your ward, family, and others that you're gay quickly cuts the pressure to date (in most cases), and leaving the Church distances you from what the prophets teach. And if you ever do date a girl, then she already knows that you're not attracted. You just like that she can keep good conversation, or you want to ask her questions, or you just want someone to talk to.

Someday, I hope that something changes. I don't see the pressure to marry ever abating - it's a vital doctrine. But I'm also not seeing a shift where coming out would be accepted soon in my life or Church culture, though. It looks like a catch-22, where I have to march to the beat of a number of different drummers. It's possible to take a step only when they all beat at once. But, for long stretches, I have to just listen and internalize the dissonance while everyone watches.

Lonely Doesn't Mean Alone

I had a mission companion who told me one day that he wanted to travel the world before he got married. Take a backpacking tent, a passport, and nothing else... and spend a few years away from the stresses and pressures of America's fast-paced culture.

At the time, I was confused. Mostly because the conversation was on marriage and when we wanted to pursue it. Marriage and having a family has been the deepest desire I've ever had since I was a little kid. There's nothing I want more, and I had expressed a desire to find a wife as soon as I could, marry her in the temple, and then grow together. If I took a backpacking trip, it would be with someone. The fear of being single for the rest of my life was still somewhat poignant, even though it was at the back of my consciousness.

So when he honestly wanted to put marriage off for a few years of uncommitted single living, that was completely foreign to me.

Ironically, the tables have turned in reality. My companion came home and got married far faster than he or I expected. He never took his trip into the backcountry of the world. I, on the other hand, am obviously not married (otherwise I definitely wouldn't be blogging on a topic like this). I've traveled and spent far more time alone... and that time has given me room to ponder.

I watched a clip from Ty and Danielle Mansfield's interview for Far Between a few days ago. Far Between is a project by LDS filmmaker Kendall Wilcox, asking men and women one simple question - What is it like to be Mormon and gay/same-sex attracted/SGA/whatever?

Ty was a co-author for In Quiet Desperation, a book on same-sex attraction published by Deseret Book. But the part of the interview that intrigued me was his comment on the pathway that got him there. First he had been afraid of being alone. Then he came to terms with the possibility and accepted the reality that he might be single for all of mortality. Then he learned to enjoy life. And then he found someone that he loved.

I've heard countless times in marriage prep courses that "if you aren't happy while you're single, you won't be happy while you're married," but in my heart I don't think I really believed the statement. I mean, the Church teaches that some of the greatest happiness in life comes from having a family and raising children, right? That means that not having a family, not being married, necessarily also equates to having an inferior level of happiness. So the "be happy while you're single" thing must be hogwash.

Except it's not.

There's a reason why raising a righteous family and being married in the temple lead to happiness. It's found in Mosiah 2:41.

And moreover, I would desire that ye should consider on the blessed and happy state of those that keep the commandments of God. For behold, they are blessed in all things, both temporal and spiritual; and if they hold out faithful to the end they are received into heaven, that thereby they may dwell with God in a state of never-ending happiness. O remember, remember that these things are true; for the Lord God hath spoken it.

Lasting happiness comes from keeping the commandments of God and choosing the right. Which means that what I need to do to find happiness is simply based on doing the right things in my life, today. The Church teaches the importance of families because, in most cases, the right thing for young single adults is to get married. In the case of my companion, it was the right thing to do. In mine, the Lord had other timing in His Plan.

I'm not really sure how I feel about being alone. I still have a lot of major issues to work through, and even though I'm convinced I'll get married in this life, I still have a fear in the back of my mind that I've somehow sold my birthright... and lost that blessing for all eternity.

I am learning that alone doesn't mean lonely. I'm lonely when I feel like no one understands, or cares, and that I'm not making a difference in the world. There are definitely times in my life when I feel lonely. I also have depression, and those go hand-in-hand. But there are also times when I feel like I understand what my companion, and Ty, meant when they talked about their happy single lives. The ability to help others without major time commitments. The ability to change directions and take social, professional, and emotional risks without fear of hurting others. And a forced reliance on the Lord as Counselor, Teacher, and Friend.

There are lots of married people who feel lonely... and lots of single people who don't. Part of it may be external - the people surrounding them - but I don't think that's most of it. Loneliness, like happiness, is a feeling - an individual state of mind that comes (barring neurological issues like depression) as a result of choices and perspective... which means that I can choose to not be lonely. It's obviously not that easy, just as choosing happiness isn't as easy as it sounds, since positive thinking isn't really enough. Choosing happiness means choosing to follow the commandments of God, no matter what the short-term outcome. Choosing to not be lonely means, in my case, reaching out to others, being a friend to those who need (or seem to dislike) me, serving, sharing my testimony, and doing what I can to enjoy the beauty of life each day. And I think it would be the same whether I were single or married.

Hopefully the Lord will see me on my world tour as a bachelor and feel like it's time for me to be married. But even if that's still a long way off, that's okay. I can be happy today, and for as long as I need to be, by choosing to do what's right and leaving the rest in His hands.

My Dream

Dream.
Sleeping wish
To waking thought,
Then a goal of faith.
Life grows brighter
Work grows wings
Hopes move
From
Night to day.
When work is done
Though it is or not,
Dream another.
Dream.


Since I was little, I've had a dream. I've dreamt of falling in love with a girl and having a family of my own. Every wish I've made on the stars, every silent hope as I blow out birthday candles, every New Years resolution, and most of my prayers echo that dream. It guides my choices in life and pushes me to act each day.

I used to pray that God would help me find my wife (soon). But I've realized that prayer wasn't really the best way to fulfill my dream. Finding my wife wasn't something that could come true each day. It would happen once, and then I'd stop praying for it. And praying for it each day sometimes made me think that it was completely in His hands - and that I had nothing more to change or do. Honestly, I have no idea when it will happen... but as long as I'm doing my part, the timing for this part of my life will work out.

So the prayer I pray now, and the wish I make on stars, is this: Help me become the man I need to be today... so that I can be a better father, husband, teacher, and friend when that time comes. It's something I can work towards for the rest of my life. That dream fills the dual roles of helping me focus on and prepare for marriage, and also improve my talents and faith to fill the roles the Lord has in store for me today. It pushes me to write, to read, to work, and to grow. To exercise, to eat better, to engage in meaningful conversation and share the love I have with the world.

I should always have a dream that guides life. A righteous dream full of hope, life, love, and happiness. A reason to wake up each morning and work through the day, a hope that abides in the darkest hours of trial and tribulation, and a guiding force to making goals and changing human nature for the better.

There have been times in my life that I've looked up at the sky and wondered if I should let my dreams die. If I'm never going to be good enough, or if perhaps I chose the wrong dream to begin with. But I've realized that, even if my dream doesn't come true in this life (and I believe it will), having that dream is still worthwhile. It makes me a better man, more kind, forgiving, loving, and willing to change. It opens my heart to helping others fulfill their righteous dreams.

And if, after all is said and done, whether the dream is or is not come true, it was still worth it for the dreaming. The work, the life, the people are still changed forever. And then I can dream another dream.

Re-Post: Original It Gets Better Post

I've had a number of requests to repost this content. So I'm reposting it. Thank heavens Google has a cache; otherwise I'd have no way of getting it back. I probably should have just made another post instead of editing the original. I'll make a note of that for any future posts. Sorry about that, and to those who found their comments suddenly attached to the wrong post.

I have a lot of strong feelings about BYU and Church Education in general, a long list of things that I would change, and major qualms with some of the ideas that are espoused by professors and students. But, of all the topics on which I could disagree, I never expected this to be one of them.

I watched the video "It Gets Better at BYU" and found myself unnerved that the creators never mentioned the distinction that always comes up in every other discussion that involves BYU or the Church. That's the distinction between "being gay = simply having same-sex attraction" and "being gay = being actively engaged in homosexual relationships." In the Church, the distinction is clear - having same-sex attraction isn't a sin. Having homosexual relationships is a sin.

Without that distinction, saying that God is okay with someone being gay has multiple, and somewhat duplicitous, meanings. Does it mean that it's okay to live with same-sex attraction as long as you never act on it... or that God is okay with men who marry men?

I don't have problems with the video's association with the "It Gets Better" project (I definitely don't agree with the organization itself - as its goals extend beyond preventing bullying into the arena of same-sex marriage)... since it's a good way to simply share a theme and reach traffic. But using the BYU name, for the world, implies that whoever is speaking is speaking for all the gay Mormons at BYU, and, by extension, gay Mormons in the Church as a whole. But I finished watching the video feeling horribly uneasy... because I'm not sure if the creators really agree with what the Church teaches.

The impact on the different audiences is interesting. People outside the Church will see it and may get slightly confused - at least those who are familiar with the Church's teachings on homosexuality. Those inside the Church will better understand the pain that people feel, and it'll start a charged conversation about the actual doctrine of the Church. That conversation has already started. And to those who live in the Church and live with same-sex attraction, it shows that you can make it... but, at least for me, it didn't offer the peace that I knew I would want - proof that it's possible not only to be happy by making it through the teen years, but that peace and hope could come through living the gospel.

Life does get better as people become more able to deal with their trials. I know it's gotten better for me. We should all reach out with love and understanding to bless the lives of those around us... and live the gospel to improve our own.

Christ is Risen.

As a beginning side note, I just made a major edit to my last blog post. If you haven't read it, you may want to.

Today is Easter - the celebration of the Resurrection of Christ. I don't have a lot to say that could really due justice to the Savior of the World. In my darkest hours, He's always been there for me. In the happiest moments, He was the One who made it happen - the source of my talents, my gifts, my fulfilled hopes and dreams, the smile on my face and the impact I've made on the world. He is in the callouses on my hands, written in the memory of mind, and carved into my heart, beside me each day through work, learning, and heartache. He is the morning sun and the light of the stars in the sky, the beacon that points the way home and the compass that directs me to the right path. He is my Friend, my Confidante, and the only One who truly understands me when I turn to Him. He's my Brother... and I can hear Him as He teaches me through life. He's the One who inspires me to change the world, the One who gives me the tools to make it happen, and the One who cheers when it does. He stands as a Judge when I falter, and a Friend to help me change. Everything good in life comes from Him. He is the Leader of my Church, the One who gives meaning to my faith. He hears and answers my prayers, and opens the doors I can't open. He is everything to me, and I know He lives.

It Gets Better... at BYU

(This post was just edited - Sunday April 8)

I have an apology to make. What I wrote in this post about the It Gets Better video from BYU didn't capture anything of what the video was about, and took away the effort and sacrifice, love, and faith that went into its creation. The video wasn't designed to teach the world about what Mormons believe about same-sex attraction. It wasn't designed to reaffirm members who wonder about those same beliefs. It was created for one sole purpose - a purpose that matches the reason I began writing (Gay) Mormon Guy - to reach out and help those who are struggling inside the Church... and to help them realize that, if you can make it past the hardest years, it really does get better. Life isn't over. You can have faith that life will go on, you can find happiness, follow your dreams, and... whatever else you want to make of your life.

That's why there isn't a distinction or any doctrinal teaching in the video... because it is designed only for the people who already know. It speaks to them, and even if everyone else doesn't understand, it still speaks to their hearts. Yes, there is a distinction between living the gospel and breaking it - and that's where the video lays. Staying in the Church, staying in life, staying on BYU campus, it gets better, and staying in the Church or on campus means staying morally clean.

I just watched the video again. And I applaud the students who share their love and their experiences - those fighting the battles and those who support them on the streets. Almost, it makes me want to be a part of something like that... another way to share the gospel with the world.

No matter who you are, what your life, or anything else, the Lord loves you. There is a place for you in the Church and in the gospel. And you can find peace, hope, love, and understanding from people around you. I add my voice here to those around the world.

It gets better.

Gay at BYU... and in the Church

In emails, a few readers have mentioned a forum that happened last night at BYU-Provo. The BYU sociology department sponsored an open panel of 3 men and 1 woman who shared their experiences living in the Church with same-sex attraction.

One man shared the story of how he fell in love with his wife after serving a mission, got married, and eventually the physical attraction came as well. The second man explained that he is attracted to both men and women. And the two others - a man and a woman - both shared the desire to marry the same gender, but also actively attend Church.

Hearing about this panel makes me wonder. I knew a gay couple on my mission... and while they initially perhaps intended to be actively involved in the Church, being excommunicated for violation of temple covenants was far more difficult than they had expected. Never being asked to pray or speak or teach, not having the blessing of paying tithing, being accepted in the ward but without a calling, and not having the "light at the end of the tunnel" that comes to those who repent. After only a short time, they stopped coming to Church... then they stopped reading the scriptures... and members and missionaries alike had no idea what to do to help.

I remember being in their home, eating dinner and reading the Book of Mormon with them and asking why they didn't come to Church. I didn't know at the time that they were sexually active as homosexuals. I just knew that there was something vitally important missing from their lives - a pain that I could see in their eyes - along with the conviction that, whatever had happened to estrange them from the Church, they still believed. The answer they gave has haunted me ever since.

"We know the Church is true, Elders. We love the Book of Mormon and the prophet, and we know what they teach is true. We work hard to keep the commandments and even gave away a copy of the Book of Mormon at work a few weeks ago. But going to Church, where... everyone knows us... is too hard. We want to go, but it's just too hard."

Since that time, I realize that I've never met someone who has succeeded in his desire to be active in the Church (as active as you can be while excommunicated - attending meetings and activities, but without temple attendance or callings), completely honest with himself and others, and actively homosexual. Those who lie and cover their sins? Yeah. Those who are honest and stay clean? Yeah. And those who leave outright? Yes.

And, at its core, the belief is more than that - the belief is this: "I can be actively homosexual and active in the Church at the same time... and there will be no discord between the two." But that isn't true. The belief that I could pick from both worlds, while perhaps idyllic on the surface, doesn't fit with the Plan. And, ultimately, I, like everyone else in life, will come to the crossroads where I have to choose between the two masters.

No man can serve two masters, for either he will hate the one and love the other, or else he will hold to the one and despise the other. Ye cannot serve God and mammon.

There are plenty of false teachings about homosexuality and happiness in the world, and even among some members of the Church:

The belief that getting married, while hard, will inevitably solve all my problems. Definitely false. In the case of same-sex attraction, marriage is only a choice if I fall head over heels in love with a girl. Otherwise, it is specifically discouraged by the Church.

The belief that if I'm faithful and "do everything right," the Lord will heal me and replace my attractions. The Lord doesn't take away everyone's burdens. He didn't in the past, and will not in the future. He will leave His children with diabetes, heart conditions, cancer, mental illness, and same-sex attraction along with every other trial they need to return to Him

The belief that I can never be happy in life if I'm not involved in romantic same-sex relationships. Also false. While relationships do bring happiness, it comes and stays when I keep the commandments of God. The Lord will always ensure my happiness if I do my part to let Him.

The belief that someday the Church will change, and romantic same-sex relationships and marriages will become accepted and part of Church doctrine. It takes very little honest research on this topic among the words of the prophets to realize that, while the organization of the Church is guided according to the will of God, the commandment against homosexuality will never change... because God will never change it. Someone asked me once what I would do if God commanded me to find a husband. I felt that I had read enough and felt enough that to even pretend that was possible was absurd. But he was adamant, so I did the one thing that anyone in that situation should do - ask God. Before, I had never really asked if homosexuality would always be a sin. It was obvious to me that it always had been and always would be. But faced with people who thought otherwise, I asked what I should do in that circumstance. The answer from the Lord, instead of "what I would do if God asked me to ...", was a simple truth He taught me. God will never ask me, or anyone, to engage in homosexual relations, and homosexual acts will always be sins. Hence, I can add my own personal witness to that of the Brethren - acting on homosexual attractions will not lead to eternal happiness, and that's not ever going to change.

I guess what alarms me is that people - even some of these BYU students who are currently committed to obeying the Honor Code - don't seem to see the danger in believing that they can straddle both worlds. And when they are finding pleasure and fulfillment in their relationships, yet the gospel doesn't seem to "work" for them as it did before, I'm afraid they'll discard it, when the real issue wasn't the gospel at all.

I am convinced that the only way to true and lasting happiness is through keeping the commandments of God. And that, as I do so, He will guide me, meet my unmet needs, and enable me to find peace, joy, and love according to the bounds that He has set for me and my life. And hopefully, as time goes on, the truth of that message will find those who need it most.

What Did You Learn at Conference?

I'm sitting here, wondering how I can write a great blog post to follow 10 hours of the words of prophets. I don't think I can. But I can share what I learned.

I felt three major themes at Conference this year: Action, Hope, and Peace. The action was embodied in the half-dozen Christian battle hymns and the calls to repentance and service. Hope, in the stories of miracles and prayers answered. And peace in the simple feeling that came when the Lord assured me that everything would turn out in the end... like when the Mormon Tabernacle Choir sang "Come, Thou Fount."

The Ensign will have all the talks printed, and very soon, if not already, transcripts, audio files, and video will be available at http://gc.lds.org

But until that happens and we can delve into each talk and the meaning it brings in life, what was the general feeling you took away from Conference? What did the Lord teach you... and what did you learn?

Prepare for General Conference.

I don't think that my blog is really worth writing during the next few days. Instead, I'm taking the time to read and listen to each of the sessions from last October's General Conference. It's located here, at LDS.org.

During Conference, you can follow me on Twitter:
Follow @gaymormonguy
Hash tag #ldsconf

The Mask of Anonymity

Elder Cook gave a CES Fireside a few weeks ago that caused me to take pause. I was live-tweeting the event with some of my Twitter friends, using the hash tag #CESFireside. It seemed like it was going to be a good fireside. And then Elder Cook started talking about anonymity. 

The tweet I wrote says, "Elder Cook tells us to avoid any pretext of anonymity. That strikes home. I'm anonymous." And it only began to outline the thoughts that raced through my mind.

Elder Cook's talk focused on how anonymity could give people a mask behind which they could hide their identity... a mask that falsifies their persona and makes it seem like "no one else will know." It's the mask of pornography, of online chat rooms, of nameless hook ups, and one night stands. A mask that turns people into demons. And, in order to combat the issue at hand, he asked us to unmask.

Within the hour, I saw his counsel begin to be applied in the social world. A handful of Twitter accounts changed names to be real ones instead of pseudonyms. Avatars changed to match real people. It's telling that I even noticed; I don't follow anyone on Twitter.

I found myself wondering what this talk meant for me, and, at large, for all of us. Elder Cook did say, "Don't wear your heart on your sleeve or be superficial," but I still found myself wondering if it meant I had to drop my anonymity, if only because I didn't want to be someone who rejects the words of the prophets simply because I don't think they apply.

Before I went to sleep that night, still somewhat distraught, I prayed for guidance... for the ability to understand what Elder Cook meant, and the Lord's will for me.

In doing so, I had to honestly take stock of my emotions. Would I be willing to open my heart and soul and name and family to the world? One part of me could see huge benefits in doing so. It would be far easier, at least if everyone knew... but there's the problem of having to tell people who didn't get it the first time. That's awkward. And being open with the world would make it easier to take a more visual stand for faith. There are a dozen things I can't do anonymously. I could use my experiences, and the faith and testimony I share here, to build my own family and those around me. The more I thought about it, the more I could see pieces making sense... and I realized that, even with the stress it would place on my family, I'd be willing to do it if God asked me to.

But there are also positives to staying anonymous. The ability to help people who've never met me and value anonymity. A better ability to relate to readers can put themselves in my shoes because they aren't distracted by my age, where I live, or what I do each day. Peace in my family's life. I already get enough hate mail; it's nice that I'm the only one who gets it. And the ability to leave my trials behind when I go through my day. I sometimes go days without thinking about this blog, even if I keep my email open to check if someone has a pressing question. And it's awesome that, in most cases, attraction doesn't cross my mind. And no one, obviously, ever brings it up.

I prayed for guidance, listened, and then fell asleep. I've been listening ever since, waiting for an answer to confirm or deny the decision that I made... to keep going forward with faith, in the same path the Lord had already made for me. And then, a few days later, I was listening to some music and "Because I Have Been Given Much" came on.

The words of the song are amazing. I can't quote the whole song here because of copyright issues, but this is the phrase that I had been waiting for:

I shall divide my gifts from Thee
With every brother that I see
Who has the need of help from me.

My gifts from God comprise everything He has given me in life. God only gives gifts (only good fruit comes from a good tree, and good water from a good fountain), and He gives them with the intent that we will do good. But not just haphazardly... according to His design.

That was my answer. Who do I share my gifts with? With every brother that I see who has the need of help from me. I don't need to shout my trials and blessings from the mountaintops. At least not now. I just need to share them with the people I can touch, and God will do the rest.

Elder Cook was speaking to me, and warning me of the dangers of anonymity. Explaining the demons that anonymity could bring. And in the same tone, the Spirit affirmed that the mask that I have on is a different mask. It doesn't make me likely to do or say things I would regret among the people I know and love. I wouldn't cringe to share everything with the world or tie it to my name. And I feel confident that I'm at least trying my best.

Broken

There's a song I heard once that I really didn't like. It was something like "God Loves Broken Things." I didn't like the tune, the word choices, or the way the guy sang.

But the song has stuck with me, even though I can't remember the tune or any of the words, and I still remember the feeling I had when I looked inside and realized that I was broken... and that was okay.

Broken can mean a lot of things. It's the feeling of abject despair when total and absolute depression sets in - the real kind they make medication for, but doesn't always respond, no matter what I try. It's the realization that all the work I've done over years can't open the doors I need to move forward, or yet another full batch of relationships gone wrong. Dreams shattered, life in oblivion, and an apathy towards reality that pulls me from society and pushes all but those closest to me away.

I used to feel like I had no right to be powerless, no right to be depressed, no right to be broken or despondent. The sheer reality that I was, made life even worse - a cycle that pulled me deeper and deeper, until I finally let go.

Being broken has some interesting physical correlations. When I run a gazillion miles, eventually my body runs out of energy completely. At least, in the moment, it feels that way. It's sudden, and, in an instant the simple act of walking or running or biking or whatever is like pushing through mud or molasses. From all outside respects, it looks like there's really no hope unless I go eat something with a whole lot of sugar. I'm broken. But, inside, opaque to my perspective, a miracle is happening. When my body runs out of energy in the form of glucose and glycogen, my muscles switch fuels. Glucose is replace with ketone, and proteins are broken down into emergency glucose for indispensable nervous functions. Even my brain switches. And, as soon as the adaptation is over, life moves on.

I feel like the Lord is often trying to teach me something when I hit the wall spiritually and emotionally. When I feel like I've been run over by a Mack truck, or like the world is going to cave in on me... because at those times, I'm forced to look at my life and refocus on the Lord. Sometimes the rope that I'm holding on to, hoping that it will pull me up, is friendship. Sometimes it's my own will. Sometimes it's just stubbornness.

But in most cases, the rope I was holding on to wasn't a rope that would ever pull me up. It would only pull me down... and when I learned to accept reality, to be okay with being broken, that gave the Lord a chance to help me see where I needed to change.

Right now I'm broken. Physically, emotionally, socially, professionally... I feel like everything is shattering around me in every facet I can dream. Every facet but one. I know God loves me, that I'm giving my best, and that, no matter what happens, He will be with me.

And maybe that's why I'm broken - so that I can learn to better rely on the Lord instead of everything else in my life. To help me see that, when nothing else can, He has the power to bring me from the depths and do more than just fix me. From the broken pieces of my life, He creates something better than before... if I'm willing to let Him. And then I move on, until it's time to be broken once again.

My Trials Are No Different

I used to think that living with homosexuality was the worst possible trial that God could give someone. Level one trials were like having a bad day at work. Level two trials were like having a bad job in the first place. Level three, breaking up with a girlfriend. And so on, up and up the ladder of my brain until you reach the pinnacle of mortal trials.

I would have traded my life with anyone, because I honestly thought that I had the worst life in the world. Any trial would have been better. Cancer? At best, you live and are cancer-free. At worst, you die early or live a long, drawn out, painful life. Starvation? Same story. Abject poverty? More of the same. But nothing compared with my life. In my mind, no one could really understand or empathize because, in my mind, their trials were mundane.

And they had so much more help. Support groups, foundations, scholarships, 5K races, public service announcements, government programs, Church programs, charities, and a network of people who have been where they had been and could answer their questions. Name a problem, and there was a system put in place to help people overcome it, or at least find hope.

I had nothing, and my trial seemed impossible where nothing else was.

But I was wrong.

The realization came slowly, as I began to find meaning in my life and learned how I fit in God's Plan. Taken as a whole, my set of trials was different - as every trial is. But taken apart, I saw how the feelings and "micro-trials" I faced each day really weren't all that different from people all over the world.

When I feel confused about my place in God's Plan, I join millions of people looking for truth and seeking God's direction in their lives. When I feel frustration with dating, part of that frustration mirrors that felt by every other young single adult in the Church. When my mind wanders, I exercise the same willpower needed to overcome addictions. The hopelessness from fearing I'll never get married matches, in part, that felt by singles everywhere, but even more closely, those with severe physical or mental disabilities... and the same comparison happens with depression, needs in friendships, trouble understanding doctrinal applications, choosing direction in life... and every micro-trial that makes up same-sex attraction.

Every trial in life, in fact, is made up of micro-trials. I looked at everything the people around me were facing, and saw easily how decomposing their difficulties into the smallest pieces suddenly meant that I could relate to them... and that gave incredible meaning to the scripture I had read in Corinthians but never really believed.

13 There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it. (1 Corinthians 10:13)

I had never believed it because I didn't understand what God meant. He didn't mean that someone else in the world was experiencing the exact same set of major trials that I was. My life, and its trials, were probably unique. But if I looked closely enough, I could find people everywhere who had individually lived, suffered, and overcome the micro-trials that composed my life...

And with that realization came another: my trials had been specifically chosen for me. God had a clean slate to send me into mortality. He could have sent me here with anything. But He didn't. He didn't send me with cancer or to struggle with alcoholism. He didn't send me to Africa or the Middle Ages. He created my life perfectly with the trials and blessings and talents and gifts that I needed to return to Him. And for that I am grateful.

I used to believe that my trials were impossible to understand. That no one could relate or give me useful advice. But the Lord taught that, looking closely at life, there hath no temptation [or micro-trial] taketh you but such as is common to man. Every temptation and trial can be overcome.

My trials are no different.

To Be (Gay) Or Not To Be (Happy)... That's The Wrong Question.

Wherefore, the Lord God gave unto man that he should act for himself. Wherefore, man could not act for himself save it should be that he was enticed by the one or the other. (Book of Mormon, 2 Nephi, Chapter 2)

The enticement that Lehi described is a curious thing. Sometimes, before we are in the midst of trial, it's easy to just think, "Well, choose the right when a choice is placed before you," but the reality is that, with many choices, both sides have valid arguments. And choosing the right then means being able to see through the mist of darkness and know the will of God. Otherwise making choices would be easy.

Same-sex attraction is no exception. Following are two comments I recently received; I post them here because they represent, in my mind, two of the common thought processes surrounding same-gender attraction... and two of the ideologies that I see perpetuated in others.

First Comment:

Hmm, while you are living your life celibate and doing everything in your power to control your same sex attractions that you weren't apparently born with, I will be spending my life with a man that I love and enjoying what life has to offer while still believing in God. A different God I might add. I feel sorry for you that you think you are doing the right thing and remaining celibate and faithful to church. There is so much more to life, and if you honestly believe that these homosexual thoughts and feelings are immoral and wrong, you my friend are in for a life of loneliness. Sure you'll have your friends, your familys, those that support you, etc. BUT, you know why they support you and remain around you? Because you chose to stay within the church, but just for that reason. Do you think those same people would really give you the same love and friendship if you chose to be an acting homosexual? No. I wish you could just see the bigger picture. And you know what? You can say the exact same things to me and thats just it...Theres nothing I can really say that you can't turn back around. I will leave you with this, you're not a bad person for chosing to embrace your the gay life-style per say being with a man. Everyone deserves to be with someone they are IN love with. It's how life was designed. If God put you on this earth to go through feeling what you do know to be rewarded in the after-life or to overcome these tempations and reign forever, you're mistaken. Getting married to a woman, fasting, praying, therapy, none of that will work in the case of being made whole and getting married. Take a stepouside of the box and see what happens.

Second Comment:

I find that you are a bit off base here. I really respect you for choosing your own path in life... but the situation you write about with the women talking about how they don't want to marry a gay man is real. I have lived it first hand. Trust me that what these women (and all women, especially in the church) are saying here, is not that they think less of you because you are gay, but that they know that deep down you could not make the connection THEY need. 

Love is a two way street, and both ends have to have interest and physical chemistry. Don't overlook sexual attraction in defining love, it's the cornerstone. 

I tried to live a life you are seeking. I got married to a wonderful woman that loved me back, we had so much in common, lived the gospel, tried EVERYTHING, and it didn't work. Deep down, a gay man is a gay man, doesn't matter how hard he tries to not act on those "feelings", it is who you are. And a women can tell, a women needs to see you desire her in your eyes and touch, if not it will feel fake and empty to her, like going through the motions.

Just don't shut out the arguments from "the other side", we're not all out to get you. I truly hope you can find peace with who you are someday, and know that you are loved for you.

The truth of the matter is that both of these experiences are real. Both men wrote to me with the hope that they could influence me to avoid pain that they themselves felt, and find peace that they've found. 

On the one hand, I could be like the first commenter - fall in love with a guy, choose to believe that is the will of God (a different God), and in that belief find pleasure in life, meaning, reconciliation, and companionship. Men have found that.

On the other hand, I could be like the second commenter, and try to do everything right, try to stay strong in the Church, and still fail - even after marriage - and experience extreme heartache and disaster, ripping apart families and leaving chaos in its wake. It happened to him.

Be gay, or be unhappy.

And, in the minds of many of the men I've met, those are the only two options. Stay completely and fully faithful in the Church and be miserable and full of self-loathing, or appeal to "spirituality," claim that the Church isn't true (or at least its teaching on homosexuality), and live an open, self-loving, and free life.

Faced with only those two choices, it's not striking why many men choose to trade the Church's stringent and clear teachings on chastity, faith, and perseverance for something else. 

I found myself choosing between those two choices just a few years ago.

I was doing everything right. I had gone to Seminary, learned my scripture masteries, served a faithful mission, and done everything according to the plan. I read my scriptures, paid my tithing, attended the temple, prayed, and I thought that was enough. So when life gave me only pain and sorrow, I found myself forced to choose between two options. Either the gospel and the Church doesn't really have the power to bring me happiness (and I should choose to follow commenter 1), or I'm simply not good enough and even if I try, I will fail (and my life will be like commenter 2). 

I turned to God for help, and realized that there is a third choice - one that promises far more than any other, but entails a whole lot more work and time as well. In my darkest hours, I learned that if the gospel is not working for me, it is because I'm not using it right - not because I'm not good enough or because God or His teachings are incapable of bringing me peace.

The reality is that Christ came to save all men, and that God has given all men the power to overcome their trials and find true happiness, joy, and peace through living according to His will.

But what does that mean? For me, it meant that I was going to need a whole lot more than 100 memorized scripture masteries and some cliche phrases from the mission. I was going to need much more faith than I was getting from my prayers, and far more guidance than what I was finding in the scriptures. And that makes sense. The Lord gives each of us, if we are righteous, Abrahamic trials - obstacles so massive that they require us to rise to the same level of faith that Abraham did. And he definitely didn't just have two years of mission experience and call it good.

And I'll be honest. For years, I saw only pain in my future. I knew that I was doing the right thing, but nothing seemed to work.

And I don't know exactly when it happened, or when the process began... but my frustration and despair slowly turned into perspective and faith... and today, I can truthfully say that I live a happy life. Yes, I'm nowhere near perfect. But I can see the light shining, and it is finally reflecting in my soul. And I have everything I could want. Fully a part of the Church, fully acceptant of who I am and what faces me here in life, and fully in control of what happens in my life. Life is amazing... and I wouldn't change anything, except to keep going.

Would I love to be married and have a family? Definitely! My goal is to fall in love with a woman, be physically attracted to her (read that last statement again - some people seem to not get it: be physically attracted to her), get married in the temple, raise a family, and work together to make our home and lives a part of heaven on earth. But I've met so many people and had so many experiences that I wouldn't have had if I were married. Maybe there's more that the Lord wants me to do. And in the meantime, the Lord is able to fill my needs - He is omnipotent, after all. It just took me a while to really believe it and learn how to benefit from that power.

So that's the decision I face. Work harder than I ever have, rely on God's grace, and determine how to use the Lord's omnipotent power to bring about happiness and salvation... or give up on reconciling Church standards with my attractions... or try really hard and give up when, after 10, 20, 40 years later, I feel like I'm still failing.

The beautiful promise of the gospel is that no matter who I am, there is a way to make it work for me. The gospel works. If it's not working for me, I'm not using it right. For everyone that seeketh shall find, and unto him that knocketh, it shall be opened. The Lord God is no respecter of persons, which means that if His gospel can bring peace, hope, and joy to anyone who learns to use it in their lives, it can bring those same blessings to me.

And that's the option I choose.

Gay Marriage and Anti-Gay Discrimination

Having same-sex attraction as a part of my life has meant, for me, that I honestly care for others who have same-sex attraction as much as everyone else... and maybe even more. I feel a kinship to them. I think that's normal - I feel connected to people who have lived lives similar to mine and faced the same mountains to climb.

I also know that acting on that attraction, like every other action, is a controllable, personal choice. Homosexual activity is not an inborn trait. 

I have no problems with laws that forbid discrimination based on inherent attraction. It actually shocked me when I first realized that situations like that existed - where I could lose opportunities simply because I feel an attraction to other men, regardless of my choices or actions in relation to that attraction. 

And there is definitely still work that needs to be done in that respect. Even with laws, discrimination still happens on a far more personal level... a level that doesn't ever really see the light of day in the modern debates and protests.

I overheard a conversation between a few women who were talking about guys they knew... and one remarked that a guy she had dated was really into fashion. The response to her comment made me catch my breath: "You have to be really careful. Some of those guys are gay... and you definitely don't want that!" The conversation then drifted to stories of family members who had been abandoned by unfaithful gay husbands or fathers, and the frustration and betrayal they had seen.

I've heard those stories before. I know some of them personally. But, perhaps naively, I had never turned them back on my own circumstance. Each of the women in the group made a clear assertion that she didn't want to marry a man who was gay; and, from the tone of their conversation, it was apparent that gay meant not only those who acted on their attractions, but all of those who only had the attractions in the first place.

That would mean that I, by simple nature, would have already been cut from their dating pool... without ever having a chance.

I wonder how widespread that kind of feeling is in the world. 

I definitely don't want to marry an alcoholic, or a drug addict, or someone who doesn't keep their covenants. But would I be willing to marry someone with major trials and baggage, even if they matched me, I was in love, and they had done everything they could to choose the right? Are there things that I would never want in a marriage that, in reality, are just prejudices without substance?

I think the error there comes from the assumption that having same-sex attraction is the same thing as acting on same-sex attraction. But there is a big difference between discrimination based on inherent traits and discrimination based on action. Choices based on action are the core of what I see as society. I choose employees based on their past actions. I choose to serve customers or not based on past actions. I choose which employers to pursue, which restaurants to frequent, which candidate to elect, which church to attend, which people to befriend, and every other social and relational choice based on actions. 

I believe what is outlined in the family proclamation: that the sacred powers of procreation are reserved only for expression between husband and wife, legally and lawfully wedded. Anything outside of that - adultery, homosexual behavior, whatever - is a violation of the law of chastity, and I don't support, condone, or endorse sin.

Some of the laws and rulings on gay marriage include protections for religious institutions. But none of them include protections for me... and on that count, society fails to make a major distinction. If I'm a photographer and refuse to photograph a same-sex wedding because I believe same-sex marriage is inherently wrong and do not wish to support it with my time, creative effort, and indirect stamp of approval, today's judges will tell me I'm discriminating against people with homosexual attractions when, in reality, I'm discriminating against homosexual behavior. 

There are plenty of other things that I can legitimately refuse to photograph, but this one is somehow different in their eyes. The same if I won't open a party room to a commitment ceremony in my restaurant, or a guest home for the same reason. Along the same line, I could be relieved of my license to place children through adoption if I refuse to consider homosexuals... and the list goes on. 

I'd be happy to photograph men or women with same-sex attraction. I take pictures of myself already. But not in a circumstance that endorses or condones immoral behavior. I'm happy opening up a restaurant to anyone who supports actions I support, men and women with same-sex attraction included. I'll even place a child for adoption with a husband and wife if they both had same-sex attraction, as long as they were good parents. But I will not condone or endorse immoral behavior, and that has nothing to do with attraction. If asked to place my approval on anything that I don't agree with, I treat everyone and everything exactly the same, regardless of sex, race, gender, religion, or any other trait - because I would not be willing to endorse their actions.

Today's debates gloss over that. Ultimately, they're not talking about the issues that I see as central - the relational discrimination that is still happening, against people regardless of their actions, and the impact of laws on gay marriage. And, if it keeps moving the way it's moving, people will still discriminate against others in their personal relationships, and I'll be the next target of discrimination - the guy with same-sex attraction, who, unlike churches with legal protections, will be barred from practicing or asserting my beliefs about same-sex attraction... because of my faith.