In a matter of minutes, my world fell apart today. And I'm crying.
I'm crying because I'm in pain. Because I'm so incredibly, desperately afraid. And I'm crying because I've let myself hope again - let myself be vulnerable to a pain that has ripped me apart in the past and threatens to rip me apart now.
It's loneliness. Total and complete loneliness.
For the last 14 years, my only wish and prayer has been to find a friend. But I can never get close enough. I try, and it doesn't work. Or something happens to push us apart. I can love the people on the street as deeply as I love my family... but no more. There is no distinction, and I'm left alone because I can't cross the bridge to feeling.
The feeling of loneliness is beyond miserable. But the reason I'm crying isn't the feeling. It's the fear.
I can deal with the feeling. Lock it inside a steel box of numbness and tell myself that this is life - that being alone, and feeling alone, is just part of what I face forever. I will never have friends, or at least I will never feel them close. That God knows what He is doing. So I turn off the pain, and try to forget it was ever there.
But then, somehow, someone breaks through. The box that holds my feelings gets opened and I find myself wondering if maybe the miracle I've prayed for for so long is going to happen. If God will help me find a friend and help me feel loved. And I let myself hope.
And in that moment I become more vulnerable than ever before, to fear.
Maybe this is depression speaking. Except that it doesn't feel anything like depression. It just hurts.
I just wish I had the faith to believe. To honestly and truly believe that it will work out. Even when things go wrong, or people come and go. Even if I never have a friend who stays.
I just wish I had the faith to live with hope without being smashed flat by my abject fear of being alone forever. The fear that I try to smother with every good thing I do in life. The fear that makes me anxious when I don't have someone to counsel or someone to teach or something "noble" to accomplish. The fear that convinces me that the people who say they love me... don't... and that only their goodness keeps me in their grace. The fear that as soon as something better, or less painful or needy, comes along, I'll lose someone else before they got close. Because it has happened every time. And the fear that leaves me curled up in a ball in my car, sobbing because I'm ashamed and because I'm afraid.
Dear God, please help me find peace. Help me to feel loved even when I'm afraid of being alone forever. Help me to know that it will be okay, no matter what happens. Help me to love, and to live, and to find joy in life regardless of circumstance. Help me to be vulnerable, and to be able to deal with the pain that comes from leaving my heart open to the people I love. Bless the people I love for the time they've spent with me... and help me be better.
I'm okay. Life will go on. I stopped crying and can go back to class. I just need to have faith that it'll all work out.
It'll be okay.
I'm autistic, ex-bipolar, and attracted to other guys (gay/SSA/whatever). More importantly, I'm a son of God and faithful member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (Mormons). My life is usually amazing. This is my story of hope, happiness, and faith.
Thursday, February 28
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I can understand fear. It can immobilize you. And it hurts. My prayers are with you.
ReplyDeleteMike
David:
ReplyDeleteHave no fear. You will be eternaly in the company of our loving God. Rejoice
Armando Bravo
I'm so sorry that you are in pain. I don't know you, but your words are familiar to my soul.
ReplyDeleteDavid, you are often in my thoughts and I always hope and pray for you. I hope you find some peace and solace soon and that over time, the feeling of loneliness will diminish. Even if you don't recognize it, you are loved by many!
ReplyDelete~Brenda
Thank you for sharing. Tonight I've been feeling similar emotions so it's nice to know that I'm not alone. You are an inspiration to so many. Stay strong. Love you.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry. Is it possible the He is teaching is you something you did not know you needed. Sending prayers. Thought. And Love.
ReplyDeleteIf there is something that binds so many people in this world, it is loneliness. It often goes to anyone who is not with someone and especially applies to gay LDS people. It isn't always there, but when it does, it is the fear of how being alone compares to everything else in life. The more difficult part is that gay LDS members have chosen to be alone (even many who are in marriages). We have chosen to put our Savior and Heavenly Father's plan first, which usually means a long, lonely life.
ReplyDeleteBefore people say, there are always ward families, and extended families, and friends ... think about how they come into play when you just want to have someone really close to talk to and to listen to ... struggle with, cuddle with. Relationships are more than physical, they are emotional, intellectual, and much more.
I am lucky that I have a lot of close friends and family. It sounds like you do, too. Hopefully, they will help sustain you in these times. And, remember that there are others out there that are in the same place as you. Keep looking for someone that can help you out and help keep the goals you've made in your life.
I read your blog off and on, so I am sharing this with the risk of being ignorant to some things. This is completely my two cents on the issue, and I know there is not one path that works for everyone.
ReplyDeleteI just want to say that I really suffered with complete loneliness and depression while in college, despite having family and good friends close by. That feeling of not being sure where my future was regarding relationships and my own family was incredibly painful. Although I would some times find relief with family or at church, it was always very temporary.
I really, truly, believe that God does not want us to be alone. Lifelong loneliness is not something he wants us to endure and it is not something that goes away. I know you are pretty set in your beliefs and how you handle the gay part of your life. But know that God is good and he has total, unconditional love. He is a just God, and although the people around you may not agree with or support whatever decisions you choose, God knows what is in your heart. I think you should do what is best for you... do what will make you a more whole and better person.
I think that loneliness is sometimes part of mortality. I agree that God doesn't want me to be alone, but I would suggest that He wants me to turn to Him to find the friend I've been searching for. He wants me to confide in Him, rely on Him, and let Him be there for me completely. And I have, and I've found that He can fill the void of loneliness like no one else can.
DeleteIt's only when I shut God out - when I lose sight of my faith and let fear in its place, as I did yesterday - that the loneliness returns.
And, to be blunt with my beliefs (hey, I can, right?), I don't think that finding a guy to be gay with will (1) completely fill the holes in my heart as well as God can or (2) jive with what He wants for me. He wants me to be completely happy - not just content... but that's another post in the writing.
I personally know the heartache that you express and the fear of being alone. Know that you are not alone in what you feel. Yes the Autism amplifies things more than what reality really is, but that is the special thing about you! That is what makes you unique and special to many people... even me, though we have never met. Your blog has meant so much to me. It has helped me through my rough days, knowing that I am not alone, as a gay Mormon living the gospel and fighting to hold true to my covenants with my Father in Heaven. You are an inspiration to many men who know you personally and to others with whom you have directly/indirectly shared your story. I too have longed for a male friend. I have always struggled to know how to relate to another male figure. Due to my own feelings, I was scared that others would "figure" me out if I let them be too close in our friendship, so I always pushed them away. Now as a married man, even though I have a very loving and understanding wife/best friend, I still find myself longing to fill that need of a male relationship. Certainty not a sexual relationship, but for that binding brotherly bond that can only be found with another male. David, I applaud you and sincerely say thank you for sharing the intimate details of your life. My faith tells me that one day, our Father in Heaven will one day give us a hug that will erase all of our doubts and fears and fill every void in every nook and cranny of our being with what is needed. Then we will know and understand our trials and tribulations that we had in this life. Then you and I along with countless others will rejoice that we held true to our covenants and desire to follow Christ's teachings.
ReplyDeleteYour brother in Christ.
Steve
Aw, David . . . sorry. I hope you don't feel like this for too long.
ReplyDeleteDavid, (Mrs. IDM here) my heart truly aches for you as I read this and I understand these feeling oh too well. But, I am so grateful to see these wonderful friends that you have here (as readers) who have rallied to try to comfort you through writing - which is amazingly powerful, although I know, ultimately, can't compare to a real friend in the flesh. ;)
ReplyDeleteStill, know that we are all here, and we love and appreciate your honesty and vulnerability as you share your life with us. We all learn and grow from you. Your writing ability is such a gift, I am so excited to have found your blog, and I am continuing to try to 'read back' when I can, to catch up on all the wonderful posts I missed before I found you. :)
I will tell you a quick (well, if you know me - 'quick" story telling is not my specialty-lol) story.
Back when my husband was 'doing the down-low' and he was so emotionally distant from me, I was very busy with a job that surrounded me with people, 4 kids at home (in a small house), and I was rarely, if ever, 'alone'. Yet, it was a time when I felt more alone and lonely than I had ever been in my life.
I remember the depth and magnitude of that loneliness; it was literally, physically painful, and heartbreaking.... And then, one day, when I was rolled up in a ball, crying on my sleeping toddlers bedroom floor, I started to pray. I poured my heart out to my Heavenly Father, and, for some reason, I noticed the softness of my son's GIANT Fluffy Teddy Bear against my arm.... without much thought I scooped it up and snuggled into it, (it might seem wierd - a grown woman hugging a giant teddy bear, but it felt completely natural and 'good' at the time). As I buried my tear stained face into that stuffed animal, I was literally filled with an amazing warmth and comfort that I knew, and could not deny, was from my Father in Heaven.
My crying was instantly calmed, and I KNEW that I was loved. It totally felt like I had experienced an actual, real, physical embrace from my brother, my Savior, Jesus Christ.
This experience helped me to really understand and know, that Jesus literally and genuinely knows "ME", He absolutely knows how I feel and what I'm going through, and exactly what I'm missing. It was a great turning point for me, and although everything wasn't 'all better', and I continued to have many times of great loneliness, I always knew where to turn for comfort and love because I had learned that...
MY SAVIOR, JESUS CHRIST CAN AND WILL TRULY 'BE THERE' FOR ME- TO 'MAKE THE DIFFERENCE UP'.
David, I pray that you might also feel the real physical comfort that is available to you (and all of us) through our Savior, Jesus Christ. Luv to U
I totally get the loneliness, even when among friends, people who love you. It's only recently that I've begun developing a friendship that breaks through that shell of isolation. When the time is right, you will be given that blessing too.
ReplyDeleteI keep my self in a shell s390 I will not get crushed like I did once before. On the out side I look as coneted and enveolved as some of can be. If you could see in to me you will see I am in my own world and i am in a world of my own my fealings are not tied to Amy thing but my self. I can not let people in because I do not have the enclosure strength to Handel it. I also do not Handel the social end so i play a part I look to be like others on the out side but it is all a mask like an person in a play. I have learned to do this so well people do not even know. Thay think thear is nothing wrong but in side thear is nothing and of thear is it is only me and my heart brake. I do not believe I can ever let some in ever Aegean. Thay think i am letting them but all I am doing is playing the past I think I should.
ReplyDelete