The email came this afternoon at five o'clock. The sender was the Stanford Graduate School of Education, and before I clicked to open it all I could see in the preview bar was "if you can't read this email properly..."
I found myself watching my emotions. Wondering what the news would be, and how it would impact me. This would either be an open door, or one that would close yet again for another year.
Somewhere inside I already knew. It doesn't rain for three days for no reason. God had already primed me to know that He's involved in my life no matter what happens. He gave me hope and peace.
I got rejected.
Sort of anticlimactic, right? Overly melodramatic? Maybe. I don't know. It's an admissions decision from the only school I applied to - the only plan I had made for my future because it felt completely right. How am I supposed to feel? Devastated? Depressed? Relieved? Anxious? Just last week someone told me about a grandmother who killed herself when her grandson was rejected from college. It makes me imagine intricate glass castles, floating in the air, adorned with thoughts and hopes and waking dreams, that are shattered in an instant.
I'm not sure what my emotions are right now except for raw. Burned. So numb that I'm not sure I can even feel them.
Part of me wants to be frustrated with myself - the self that fails in every job interview, that puts together resumes that make people question my value, that somehow messes up everything he tries. If the last few years of life have done anything for me, they've made me more humble. Feeling like I'm never good enough, no matter what or how hard I try, does that to me. The people who wrote me letters of recommendation did the best they could. So did I... and this part of me feels like it wasn't enough.
Part of me wants to cry. I haven't cried yet. I'm sure I will... because I've been going in this direction for a long time, and wanted it to be the destination... because I'm still afraid of the unknown.
And part of me is grateful that God is involved in my life. I don't know what He wants me to do. I believe that, if I'm doing the best I can, everything will always work out for the best. I don't know how this will work out. This was my best shot, and it felt like the right direction all along. But maybe it wasn't meant to be. Maybe the miracle wasn't getting in... but staying out, because I need to do something different.
I don't know.
Either way, visions from God are directions... not destinations.
Thank you for your faith, your hope, and your prayers. I know that God has been involved in my life, often because of people who keep me in their prayers. And because He is involved in my life, I know this, like everything in life, will turn out for the best.
I just need to make sure I'm going in the right direction... have the faith to believe in Him... and He'll make sure I get wherever it is I need to be.
I'm autistic, ex-bipolar, and attracted to other guys (gay/SSA/whatever). More importantly, I'm a son of God and faithful member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (Mormons). My life is usually amazing. This is my story of hope, happiness, and faith.
Friday, February 1
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I think you're supposed to feel it all, but the Bay Area is largely overrated, so don't feel too bad. Next time around you should try someplace in San Diego, the weather is nice, the beaches are excellent, and despite what locals think, it could use more rain. Guess I'll never grow out of trying to sell places. You are in no way inadequate, you have made it this far, started your own business that hasn't crashed into the ground like so many others... I don't know you, but all that I have seen shows me that you are good enough... hollow words of comfort... sorry. It will all be for the best, but do cry, it is always healthy.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry, David. That is... ughh... I wish I had seen this earlier so I could have driven over to your house and given you a hug. All the same... I'm sure you remember what we talked about earlier today... God is pushing you in the right direction, little bit at a time, to put you in the right place, just like how He got you to where you were able to start this blog, which has helped so many... I felt so cheated when God had me come home from my mission early... but I have learned (and I'm still learning) that that's not where He wanted me... He didn't want me to be wearing the name tag for two years, He wanted me to help His children on a more personal level, by being their friend.
ReplyDeleteExperience your sadness and let down, then remember that admissions decisions are not reflective of your worth or potential. There is no way to measure these things and it may come down to something as simple as the person interviewing you has a different style of communication. Seriously!
ReplyDeleteSo if you liked that program go find others like it and start applying for next year. You won't get into everyone and that is ok, it has nothing to do with worth or potential...and maybe that wasn't where u need to be anyway. Just maybe it's a blessing.
So what you seem to be saying is: "All those who dream and are rejected by such schools are losers." Wow! I enjoy reading what you write, but perhaps you need a little more tactic and humility. Guess what? I did not go to that school. Perhaps I would have been rejected. That does not make me - or anyone else who receives such a letter - a loser or not good enough. Yet you make it sound so. In your self-absorption you are inadvertently putting other people down. Perhaps a better post would have been: "I'm disappointed that I did not get into the school of my choice."
ReplyDeleteThat's not what he means. There's no self-absorption; he's just sharing the emotions he felt.
DeleteThat's just what disapointment feels like.
"Let it be". There are times when I have felt so strongly to go in a certain direction only to run into a wall. I don't know why that happens, but I know without a doubt that the path I was on was exactly where I needed to be. Later I came to realize realize that the destination wasn't always where God wanted me to be, it was the path. Sometimes it was what I learned on the path that was important, sometimes it was the people I met who influenced me, or who I was able to influence that was part of His plan. Let it be, know that what you do is enough. You are right, He'll make sure you get wherever it is you need to be.
ReplyDeleteWhen an actor, singer or dancer auditions for a company or a role, not getting the job isn't necessarily indication that he's not a good actor/singer/dancer, it's usually indication that he's not the right match for the company/role. You're probably completely qualified for the program but being judged based on personality bias, which is unfortunate. But schools, like it or not, play the matchmaking game as much as people do with each other. You both have to like each other. Congratulations, you just got turned down by your first crush.
ReplyDeleteSoon, though, you'll find someone who isn't just a celebrity dream date, but a match made in *heaven* meant for *you* (rather than a match derived from whom society considers to be the hottest school in the country). Let heaven guide you to your match, not the "need" to attend top-10 schools (ever see Good Will Hunting?). Those are celebrity school "crushes." Don't worry, you'll recover. We always recover from our crushes. It's divorce after a mutual relationship that we don't necessarily recover from.
David,
ReplyDeleteOne of the best examples in my life of what you're talking about in this post was when I was asked to interview for a job that I was supposedly the ideal candidate for. My experience and references were ideal. I was a perfect fit for the large organization that called me and asked me to interview for the job. I was excited about the possibilities of where this particular job opportunity would lead.
They didn't hire me. For a few weeks I was incredibly disappointed... even discouraged. But it wasn't long until a much better opportunity presented itself. Now looking back on that situation I can say in complete honesty that the job I thought I wanted, the job I was asked to apply for, the job I was a perfect fit for, the job I didn't get, was absolutely not what was best for me. What ended up happening, something I didn't even think was possible, could not have happened if I had been accepted for the job I didn't get. It was totally a blessing that I got rejected -- even though it was painful in the moment. So your thinking is not naive or overly idealistic. I know from personal experience your trust is well placed.
BJ