Sunday, February 9

A Change of Heart

This may end up being one of the most stressful weeks of my life. That's probably hyperbolic. But it's still stressful. Grace has multiple performances; we have to choose our dress code and do pictures and deliver Aca-Valentines; my new calling as a ward mission leader is already stretching me beyond my comfort zone (and I have at least 7 hours of meetings today); I got another awesome writing job for the Church but have to have it done by Friday... yeah.

I woke up around 5am on Saturday, after going to sleep yet again after midnight, and got ready for my weekly shift at the Provo Temple. At least I hadn't had nightmares. Part of me just ached, everywhere, and I wanted to just go back to sleep. But I missed my shift the last two weeks, and I hoped that I'd at least be able to function.

As I walked up to the temple, I wished there was a spot to pour all my stress away. Like a spiritual soul-siphon that would just suction off everything and dump it in the fountain. But it didn't happen. I walked up to the front desk and the stress was still there, changed into white and the stress was still there, began serving and the stress was still there.

After an hour or so, my prayer for God to take away my stress changed. My stress probably wasn't going to go away. But maybe it could be changed into something else?

My assignment changed, and I fell into cadence of serving in the temple, immersing myself completely in the simplicity and quiet. Everything else disappeared... and nothing outside existed.

10:00 rolled around, as I moved to my last assignment in the temple, the feelings from the outside world began to return. But as they did, I realized that my stress had changed. Somehow. I was excited for life, for the things that had brought me incredible stress, and wanted to face everything looming ahead of me. Instead of wanting to quit everything and curl in a ball, I found myself smiling from ear to ear, anxious for the awesome things that life is bringing me.

And that feeling is still with me.

I don't know how the Lord changed my heart. Service has always been a great way to distract me from the difficulties of life, but this is different. I'm pretty sure it was a blessing for serving in the temple, for opening my heart and being willing to give God my stress and let Him deal with it. But I'm glad that He did.

There's still a lot to do. The nightmares I had last week were hours-long fights with temptation that left me exhausted when morning broke. I've bitten off projects that are too big to accomplish on my own. But I feel peace instead of fear, hope instead of anxiety. At least this week, it'll all work out.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

It is 4:23 in the morning. Sometimes I have a hard time sleeping because of my ADD, the stresses of life, etc. Every time I read your post I’m uplifted. I’m rejuvenated and somehow find the strength to keep going regardless of the weight of stress. My life is put into perspective by reading your post. Thank you for sharing your feelings.

You have inspired me to create my own blog. Every time I read your post I’m reminded of God’s hand in my life. I really liked how you talked about the Temple in this post and praying to God for help you with your stresses. I really liked how he didn’t take away your stresses but he helped change your perspective.

It is amazing how serving in any capacity, especially the Temple changes our hearts. I love the quietness and peacefulness the temple brings.
This is my favorite part of your whole post. I feel this too when I get really stressed. My perspective has changed. Thank you for helping me to see how I can pray to the Heavenly Father for anything, even the small things. Nothing we go through is too small for God.

“But as they did, I realized that my stress had changed. Somehow. I was excited for life, for the things that had brought me incredible stress, and wanted to face everything looming ahead of me. Instead of wanting to quit everything and curl in a ball, I found myself smiling from ear to ear, anxious for the awesome things that life is bringing me.”