Sunday, February 16

The Awesome Part of Depression

Caveat: Depression is a pretty awful thing. Feeling like I'm worth less than muddy snow, wanting to die, and losing interest in most of the things in life are all pretty negative feelings. And depression can lead to some even more awful things, like suicide, relationship strife, professional repercussions, lack of self-esteem...

So I'm not saying that depression is awesome as an argument against the majority of people who think it's now.

I am saying that there are moments when I am hugely grateful for the singular, awe-inspiring perspective that sometimes comes alongside the worst days of my life.


I spend most of my life following a pattern. When I'm feeling really good about life and everything else, I start tons of projects, reach out to people, and jump completely into everything I can. I fill my plate to the top, and then some, of things that I want to accomplish and stepping stones on the way to the person I want to be.

At some point I go beyond my max. It takes a while to figure out what that exactly is, but my emotional stores run dry, things fall apart, and my stomach no longer wants to touch, let alone gorge, the pile of duties and tasks that I've assigned myself. But I'm a being of commitment, so I start moving forward, and when life settles back into the norm, I'm doing far more than I could have done otherwise.

I feel like it's worked well. It keeps me busy enough that I feel like I'm using my talents and developing others, and I can see results as I look behind me.

But sometimes, when I hit an emotional low, the thin veneer of life cracks and everything falls apart.

It's a horrible experience.

But among everything else that happens, one thing comes out - I lose my interest in almost everything.

The key is almost.

When I'm at my lowest, or perhaps more accurately, my rawest, emotional state, I realize that most things in life really don't matter. All the stuff on my resume doesn't matter. My education doesn't matter. The concerts I have coming up, the food I eat tomorrow, whether or not I go to the gym... all lose most of their intrinsic value. Fun disappears. Desire disappears. And, in its place, appears a blazing awareness of what really matters.

That's where I'm reminded that the purpose of life is to return to God. To be tested. And that, above all else, the greatest thing that I can do is help others return to God and find happiness. Nothing else matters.

During that moment in time, when nothing else matters, I look at my life and, still unwilling to do anything because of depression, re-think what I'm planning. There, without any desires for fun or other stuff that's going to get in the way, I plan out my life and what it's going to look like, focused only on doing what's important. I trim here and add there, redefine relationships and push and pull until it all feels right.

Then life turns back on, the emotions and pain return with a rush, I slowly gain the emotional ability to actually accomplish what I set out, and I move forward.

Maybe not really awesome to people who haven't felt it. And maybe the Lord could give me the experience without having to smash me into the ground. But at least it gives me something good to think about.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

I really relate to this because this is how I operate as well. I appreciate you putting it into words that allow me to see more clearly the purpose or good in operating this way.

Susie White said...

I also really get this personal a personal level. I have some of my keenest insights into what REALLY matters on the days when I'm falling apart. And I have wondered to myself, "Is there NO OTHER way for me to get this? For Heavenly Father to get my attention or for my mortal brain and body to remember why I am really here? Am I that cocky or prideful that I need to be so utterly crushed to the ground before I look to God and live? I know many addicts must hit a thing called rock bottom before they can really be in a space to crave change more than their addiction. With depression, anxiety, PMDD or other mood disorders this rock bottom is simply par for the course and is the ultimate reminder that you do need God, you DO need a treatment plan and you should either stick or recommit to it or revise it. Thank you David for being so real and such great "company." :)