I hurt.
I'm not sure exactly why. Maybe it's because in Grace we had our first major power struggle among group members, and interpersonal conflict rips me apart. Maybe it's because my little brother was part of it, and I'm trying to use Grace as an opportunity to bring us together, not one to pull us apart. Maybe it's because I made a girl cry again today because I'm not in love with her, or because my friendships ring hollow because at the end of the day I don't feel loved, whatever I tell myself. Maybe it's because even sharing that... talking about my feelings... in relationships just causes conflict and more pain. Maybe it's because I feel like I should be better. Maybe it's because I already feel like a failure in my new calling. Maybe it's because I want to run away and have it all stop, but it never will. Maybe it's because I look at the success I see professionally and in so many other areas of my life... and yet in the most important one to me, I feel broken.
Maybe that's it.
I'm sitting at my computer crying because I'm heartbroken. Heartbroken because I feel like I'm less than nothing. My conscience won't let me finish that thought because I know that I'm not nothing. I'm a son of God, and He loves me, and He will always love me, and everything will work out...
But I'm still crying. I still hurt.
I'm still crying.
And now I'm thinking that all of you are going to think I'm an emotional wreck. You probably are. I'm probably not thinking straight. I don't know.
I think I'm crying simply because I'm overwhelmed. Managing so many people's emotional stress and expectations, without knowing what they are, without having the cognitive processing ability to interpret social signals and cues... mixed with fear of the unknowns in relationships and the future... mixed with having to put my own hopes and dreams aside...
I have so many mixed feelings. So many feelings that are real, even though they contradict each other. The thought that I could use concepts learned in my negotiations class to understand people's needs in Grace and find a way to meet all of them. The desire to just run away and never have to worry about conflict with Grace, or anyone, again. Wanting to improve my relationships with others. Wanting again to run away and hide in a corner where I don't have to feel, and hurt, anymore. Grateful that my life has given me so many things to learn and come closer to Jesus. And wishing that somehow the hard part of the test would end for real. And then grateful again that it doesn't, and makes me humbler and brings me closer to a God that really understands me.
There aren't any big things that happened to make me cry. Just a few on top of each other. Too much conflict in a day, and my emotional stores drained and cracked, leaving me currently exhausted.
I'm so grateful that I work in the temple tomorrow morning. Even if I don't figure my life out, at least I'll have peace.
And I'm grateful that each night, even when the day has left me crying, frustrated, emotionally drained, and feeling pathetic... there's a God who understands me and loves me and is able to tell me that I still matter to Him. That He gets me. That He loves me and appreciates me and wants the same things that I want. And unlike love from anyone else, I can feel His love.
Today I'm grateful for a God who loves me. Who loves me enough to give me weakness, then let me experience hard things, cry, humble myself, and turn to Him. Who loves me enough to make my life sometimes miserable so that He can heal me and I can know His power. Who loves me enough to tell make storm clouds gather and inspire faith so that I believe His voice whispering "All is well."
Dear God, thank you for loving me. For creating a perfect life for me. For standing beside me and, when I begin to forget, giving me a chance to feel pain... and the healing power of your love... again.
I'm autistic, ex-bipolar, and attracted to other guys (gay/SSA/whatever). More importantly, I'm a son of God and faithful member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (Mormons). My life is usually amazing. This is my story of hope, happiness, and faith.
Friday, February 14
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God bless you. Yes, you are a precious son to Him. Enjoy the Temple.
ReplyDeleteOh, David, we have all been there at times. By the end of the day, and sometimes the beginning or the middle of the day, when things have piled up, and we have wanted to run away. When we have cried in frustration and hurt and many other feelings. I am glad that you are willing to share your experiences, of your feelings and emotions and the fact that you were crying and willing to share that. Too many of us look at each other and think they must have it all together when in reality we cry, we get frustrated, we get hurt and at times we want to run. You sharing your human experiences makes it more ok for us to have our own human experiences and be more ok with them!
ReplyDeleteI am also grateful that you shared that you know God loves you and that you know where to find peace even when you don't have life figured out.
~Wrylon
It sounds to me like you have a case of empathy sickness. I found out that empathetic people will actually take on others emotional trials and they won't even know it. It can be a real gift, and a real hardship. When I feel myself completely overwhelmed with emotions I ask God, "Am I using empathy?" I usually get a, "Yes." Then I ask if I am supposed to or not. If I am supposed to I ask for help with taking the emotions. If I am not supposed to I ask for help with stopping my empathy. It's changed my life. I used to not be able to be in the same room as my in laws because it was so overwhelming, almost to the point of being physically ill when they came to town. But now I ask God to help me not use my empathy around them and I can actually function.
ReplyDeleteSorry if that sounds presumptuous. Your post just sounded all too familiar, and I wanted to share in case maybe this would help :).
David,
ReplyDeleteI want to say thank sharing your feelings and thoughts. I find what you right and your example very helpful. Most of the time I feel uplifted by your blog.
I too often cry because I hurt. I'm crying right now because I hurt. I think I'm too hard on myself or let the negative perception of myself get to me. I think too much on what I have done wrong instead of what I can do better.
I think that if had done this or if I were this way maybe I would be happier. I too know that negative thoughts will get me no where quick.
I have very low self-esteem and low image of myself which often prevents me from progressing. I think that I cannot do that or why try. I just give up. I think this comes from being teased all growing up. But that is in the past. My ADD could also be a factor. I can be too stubborn sometimes. I have a hard time trusting people a little.
Do you have any advice?
I got some great advice from a friend. She said to lay all my sorrows and hurt on the savior. Let the Atonement help me. I'm working on letting the Atonement help through the hurt.
Anyways, I'm rambling. I really liked the following you said in a blog
"The only thing that matters to me is people - doing all I can to help people find happiness and return to God."
I know that it may seem that telling people your thoughts/feelings may make it harder for them. Sometimes it may help you to share your feelings as well help them better understand you. It may be hard, because of your past experiences with sharing your feelings/ thoughts. People do care and want to be there for you.
Like you said the most important thing to remember is that we are children of God. We are of infinite worth to him.