Thursday, April 5

Gay at BYU... and in the Church

In emails, a few readers have mentioned a forum that happened last night at BYU-Provo. The BYU sociology department sponsored an open panel of 3 men and 1 woman who shared their experiences living in the Church with same-sex attraction.

One man shared the story of how he fell in love with his wife after serving a mission, got married, and eventually the physical attraction came as well. The second man explained that he is attracted to both men and women. And the two others - a man and a woman - both shared the desire to marry the same gender, but also actively attend Church.

Hearing about this panel makes me wonder. I knew a gay couple on my mission... and while they initially perhaps intended to be actively involved in the Church, being excommunicated for violation of temple covenants was far more difficult than they had expected. Never being asked to pray or speak or teach, not having the blessing of paying tithing, being accepted in the ward but without a calling, and not having the "light at the end of the tunnel" that comes to those who repent. After only a short time, they stopped coming to Church... then they stopped reading the scriptures... and members and missionaries alike had no idea what to do to help.

I remember being in their home, eating dinner and reading the Book of Mormon with them and asking why they didn't come to Church. I didn't know at the time that they were sexually active as homosexuals. I just knew that there was something vitally important missing from their lives - a pain that I could see in their eyes - along with the conviction that, whatever had happened to estrange them from the Church, they still believed. The answer they gave has haunted me ever since.

"We know the Church is true, Elders. We love the Book of Mormon and the prophet, and we know what they teach is true. We work hard to keep the commandments and even gave away a copy of the Book of Mormon at work a few weeks ago. But going to Church, where... everyone knows us... is too hard. We want to go, but it's just too hard."

Since that time, I realize that I've never met someone who has succeeded in his desire to be active in the Church (as active as you can be while excommunicated - attending meetings and activities, but without temple attendance or callings), completely honest with himself and others, and actively homosexual. Those who lie and cover their sins? Yeah. Those who are honest and stay clean? Yeah. And those who leave outright? Yes.

And, at its core, the belief is more than that - the belief is this: "I can be actively homosexual and active in the Church at the same time... and there will be no discord between the two." But that isn't true. The belief that I could pick from both worlds, while perhaps idyllic on the surface, doesn't fit with the Plan. And, ultimately, I, like everyone else in life, will come to the crossroads where I have to choose between the two masters.

No man can serve two masters, for either he will hate the one and love the other, or else he will hold to the one and despise the other. Ye cannot serve God and mammon.

There are plenty of false teachings about homosexuality and happiness in the world, and even among some members of the Church:

The belief that getting married, while hard, will inevitably solve all my problems. Definitely false. In the case of same-sex attraction, marriage is only a choice if I fall head over heels in love with a girl. Otherwise, it is specifically discouraged by the Church.

The belief that if I'm faithful and "do everything right," the Lord will heal me and replace my attractions. The Lord doesn't take away everyone's burdens. He didn't in the past, and will not in the future. He will leave His children with diabetes, heart conditions, cancer, mental illness, and same-sex attraction along with every other trial they need to return to Him

The belief that I can never be happy in life if I'm not involved in romantic same-sex relationships. Also false. While relationships do bring happiness, it comes and stays when I keep the commandments of God. The Lord will always ensure my happiness if I do my part to let Him.

The belief that someday the Church will change, and romantic same-sex relationships and marriages will become accepted and part of Church doctrine. It takes very little honest research on this topic among the words of the prophets to realize that, while the organization of the Church is guided according to the will of God, the commandment against homosexuality will never change... because God will never change it. Someone asked me once what I would do if God commanded me to find a husband. I felt that I had read enough and felt enough that to even pretend that was possible was absurd. But he was adamant, so I did the one thing that anyone in that situation should do - ask God. Before, I had never really asked if homosexuality would always be a sin. It was obvious to me that it always had been and always would be. But faced with people who thought otherwise, I asked what I should do in that circumstance. The answer from the Lord, instead of "what I would do if God asked me to ...", was a simple truth He taught me. God will never ask me, or anyone, to engage in homosexual relations, and homosexual acts will always be sins. Hence, I can add my own personal witness to that of the Brethren - acting on homosexual attractions will not lead to eternal happiness, and that's not ever going to change.

I guess what alarms me is that people - even some of these BYU students who are currently committed to obeying the Honor Code - don't seem to see the danger in believing that they can straddle both worlds. And when they are finding pleasure and fulfillment in their relationships, yet the gospel doesn't seem to "work" for them as it did before, I'm afraid they'll discard it, when the real issue wasn't the gospel at all.

I am convinced that the only way to true and lasting happiness is through keeping the commandments of God. And that, as I do so, He will guide me, meet my unmet needs, and enable me to find peace, joy, and love according to the bounds that He has set for me and my life. And hopefully, as time goes on, the truth of that message will find those who need it most.

24 comments:

  1. Living in a manner and intent that matches the will of God is the best thing in the Universe. Great post. I wish I was able to explain that there really isn't any side angle to it more clearly. Thanks for your post!

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  2. This has opened the issue up for me a little more. I think we all need to be more aware. I also was able to understand more of the catch 22 situation... wanting to realize - in most cases - your most primal and basic urges and desires having a fulfilling and eternal relationship with the person you love; while balancing (if you can) the impossibility of ever realizing your hope. Now that I've voiced it, it sounds a lot like life.... it reminds me that we all will be required to bear different burdens, loads, whilst at the same time measuring that against the gospel standard, and abiding within the realm thereof. Struggling with our greatest challenges will be hard, but most definitely worth it at the end of the day. Suffering-long (Long-suffering ) is indeed a necessary virtue for all of us to acquire no matter the issue.

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  3. When I found out about the forum I was ecstatic! I'm a bisexual female attending BYUI, and it has been so hard on me. People say "homosexuals are sinners!!!" and never once bother asking if we WANT to be this way. I've decided to never have a relationship with another female because the Lord has taught us that it goes against the natural order. I'm fortunate that I am also attracted to the opposite gender, but it has been hard because very few guys ever ask me on dates, and I hang out with female friends all the time. I have told my close friends, about half a dozen of them, about my situation. They have been completely understanding, and go out of their way to accommodate me by not changing in front of me or doing things that would incite certain feelings in me. I'm completely grateful for my best friend who, when I told her a couple of years ago, just nodded and said she'd guessed so but was waiting for me to tell her. Now when we're watching a movie and there is any nudity of either gender she covers my eyes and watches out for me.

    I love the prophets and apostles, who are often more in touch with the suffering of their flock than our fellow members are.

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  4. i loved this post. i feel you have such an awareness of your situation that help others struggling with their same-sex atttraction. have you seen the new "It Gets Better" video by BYU students that was released today? i feel so sad that members feel so ostracized and can't be more open about their struggles. if there is to be no hate or judgement, it should come from family and fellow church members.

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    1. Agreed! It should come from family and fellow church members. Because if we are moral and right and want to help others, then we should help everyone, regardless of their sexual attraction. Great comment. Thank you.

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  5. I have had mixed feeling about same sex attraction, but I had a friend who has shared a few of your posts on facebook. I used to be one of those people who thought it was a sin, but in reading and learning about those who struggle with it, including many things you say, I realize how wrong that is. I've never looked down on people like that because I also thought people make their own choices, whatever, but I never realized that strong members of the church could struggle with it too. God gives us each different trials, and being strong in the gospel with same sex attraction is a trial that will make you stronger than I could ever be. Thank you for showing me how wrong I was.

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  6. Thanks for taking the time to write out these thoughts. I've had similar concerns and come to similar conclusions.

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  7. I simply love your posts! I had forgotten that I came across your blog when my friend, your cousin's wife, shared it on facebook. I'm so glad she did. I haven't ever struggled with SSA, but a few years ago I just 'knew' somehow that there HAD to be people with SSA out there who refused to follow what the world and society taught them to do (engage in homosexual behavior) even though they were only attracted to the same gender. I am SO grateful that you started this blog and continue to contribute to it. You are so inspired and so in tune with the Spirit. I am getting goosebumps as I think about what I am going to type next and it seems as if this statement you wrote: "The Lord doesn't take away everyone's burdens. He didn't in the past, and will not in the future. He will leave His children with diabetes, heart conditions, cancer, mental illness, and same-sex attraction along with every other trial they need to return to Him." is true in another sense. It might not be that YOU personally need this trial to return to Him, but that because of your trial of SSA and your commitment to the Lord, you trial will help others return to Him as well. You are authentic and you speak Truth. I have not met you in person but I can see the Lord's Light in you.

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  8. I found your blogg by 'accident' yesterday and spent the next several hours reading your past posts. I am the mother of a (gay) Mormon son. The clarity, understanding and testimony that you share gives me hope. It is what I pray for my son to have some day. Thank you for sharing.

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  9. Thank you for sharing your faith and testimony with the world. It's so refreshing to read this amidst the hateful rhetoric that my husband and I have seen on twitter lately surrounding a new resurgence of the Prop. 8 debate. I am afraid I may be belittling the trial that you and others suffer (same-sex attraction) when I say that we all have crosses to bear; I will never know if my battle with depression is as difficult for me as your battle with attraction has been for you. Regardless, though, your words help me feel God's love.

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  10. I have a friend who is enjoying the fullest fellowship he can while still living a homosexual lifestyle. Granted, he won't ever attend the temple as long as he chooses the lifestyle, but he finds the teachings of the church to be important enough to enjoy as much as he can. It's possible to have a foot halfway in both worlds. You're missing out on some very important blessings, but I think our gospel should be open to anyone who wants to partake, as much as they're willing. That was a little me-doctrine, but there you have it.

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    1. It grates eventually... being halfway in both worlds. I have my feet halfway in a completely different way but I can assure you being half in and half out requires exceptionally good balance. It's hard work, and while for now I am willing to put in the work to bring what I belive is the most amount of happiness for the most people, eventually I wont be able to keep it up. While I don't know your friend, I suspect that he won't stradle forever because at some point the work (mostly internal) of stradling will outweigh the happiness and he will likely step completely into one world or the other. The few people I know who have attempted this balancing act have all given up eventually. Good luck to your friend, and I agree that it would be nice if all could participate who desired, but I agree with the author and doubt the church will change its views.

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  11. I really love the attitude you take toward SSA. It is exactly what I wish so many members of the church would understand. Thank you for staying so strong in the gospel and being an example of how it is possible to live the commandments despite our trials.

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  12. "It takes very little honest research on this topic among the words of the prophets to realize that, while the organization of the Church is guided according to the will of God, the commandment against homosexuality will never change... because God will never change it." I promise I'm not trying to play devil's advocate, but why not? He has changed a lot of things. Blacks holding the Priesthood, for example. Is it because it's a Biblical teaching that it can't be changed? Honestly curious.

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    1. Christina -

      Every commandment has a set of principles upon which it is based. The application of those principles shows the different applications that each commandment shows over the course of history.

      The privilege of holding the Priesthood has always been very narrowly defined. First it was just the righteous posterity of Adam, then only the Levites and sons of Aaron (even though there were plenty of other righteous Israelites who wanted it), then the Jews severally during the time of Christ, then the Gentiles. The basic principle is that a man must be called of God by prophecy - which means that God can call or restrict the Priesthood to whomever He wishes, which He has done throughout history.

      The commandment "Thou shalt not kill" is based on the principle of the sanctity of life. But it was obviously superseded by the commandment to Saul to kill every Amorite man, woman, child, and animal. Even in this case, the commandment is based on a principle that has play within its application.

      Marriage has play as well, as the patriarchs of Abraham's day were authorized to marry another wife when their first could not bear children. David and Solomon, on the other hand, did the same thing and were cursed for their sins. Jacob teaches the purpose of plural marriage in the Book of Mormon, and explains that, unless the Lord specifically commands it through a prophet, it's a sin.

      According to the interpretation of modern prophets (since without them you can interpret however you want), there has never been a time that men were authorized to marry men. On the contrary, everything about marriage talks about how men and women are complementary.

      But, far more important than the interpretation of past scripture, is the modern canon. And in a solemn proclamation to the world, the Council of the 12 Apostles and the First Presidency stated that "The family is ordained of God. Marriage between man and woman is essential to [God's] eternal Plan."

      Something that is essential to God's eternal plan can't change. Otherwise it couldn't, by definition, be essential.

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    2. I think the very doctrine of a Heavenly Mother--that God is not a gendered male alone, but rather gendered male and gendered female sealed together for time and all eternity, prevents this.

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  13. I was uncomfortable with some of the stuff coming out from BYU, the panel, and the video...I am glad that the message of God's love is being shared. I am glad that kindness to all is being shared. I am glad that the topic is becoming more open. But no matter who you are attracted to, same sax or not, the honor code is still in effect, the law of God is still the same, and I felt like that message is being skimmed over. You can like anyone, but acting on it is still not an option. And there IS another option, the attraction doesn't mandate action. Your blog has truly been a blessing to me, in education and understanding. I "accidentally" stumbled upon it over a year ago, and I don't believe that it was a coincidence. Heavenly Father needed me to be ready to help a friend on a journey, and I wouldn't have been prepared without your blog. I can't wait to share their story of hope with you (G)MG. I am truly blessed to be a part of their life. Thank you for sharing your story.

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  14. Homosexual acts are not the only types of sexual related things forbidden by God. Any behavior that is not God-like will eventually have to be overcome if we want to be like God. Since there is almost no way to judge whether a heterosexual couple is truly having godlike sexual relations, there is seldom talk of it by the brethren. However, it is possible and very likely that many couples who are active in the church have impure thoughts and do impure things together. These things will have to be given up, and repented of, like so many other human frailties. How many of us are perfectly patient? or perfectly honest? We must give up everything that blocks our path to eternal life including all lustful and carnal instincts. The sexual feelings newlyweds have for each other and the sexual feelings of longtime spouses is very different. That initial physical excitement eventually wears off, and if it is not replaced with true love that comes from serving and sacrifice for one another, the relationship dies. David & Solomon sought sexual satisfaction by taking on more wives and concubines. Hundreds of different partners were still not enough to quench their sexual appetites. Gay or not, we have to overcome the flesh, and this is only possible through the Gift of the Holy Ghost granted through the atonement of Jesus Christ. We may not be able to choose how we initially feel sexually, but we can become what God wants us to be. He can make everything right. He loves us all the same because none of us is a finished product. I feel it was important for BYU to do this because many people are so quick to pass judgement on others. We can't know what others are suffering, but we can be kind, considerate, welcoming, and encouraging.

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  15. You are so inspiring, and are the perfect example of a Christ-like person. I wish to be like you someday. I wish to accept my trials and cope with them. You've got everything it takes. I'm sure Heavenly Father is waiting for you on the other side with the biggest hug ever.

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  16. I have same gender attraction and have received a witness that sexual relations with other men will never lead me to happiness. I appreciated in the report of the BYU Gay student panel that the female panel member encouraged a questioning audience member to seek the Lord first, to always keep that relationship preeminent and happiness would ensue. That has been my experience. I have gotten close, but the Holy Spirit has always guided me to safety in not choosing sexual relations and I am invariably relieved each time and grateful after the fact. Now, I am dating a member of the opposite sex and feeling satisfaction in affection with them. I feel that the Lord has been guiding and helping and educating me, His son.

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  17. Interesting thoughts. It's so refreshing to read about people who are actually thinking about what this panel was saying and what it means, rather than simply gushing about how wonderful it was. Love is extremely important, but love doesn't equal permissiveness, which is what I felt the message of this event was, and what the overall message of most of the discussion on this issue is. The dangerous IGB video that was released shortly after this event took place is even more troubling, as what amounts basically to outright propaganda.

    Anyway, like I said, interesting thoughts, and I largely agree, though there is one thing that I think goes slightly against the doctrine of the enabling power of the all-encompassing Atonement. Diabetes, heart conditions, cancer and mental illness are physical ailments, diseases that sometimes can and sometimes cannot be cured by time or medicine. Same-sex attraction is a pattern of thought and behavior, not at all innate or biological, and as such can and should (and must!) be overcome. This life is the time to prepare to meet God, and He has promised us that we won't be given any trials we can't overcome with His help! Not that it's always easy, but it is possible. I have seen it done! If it has been done, that means it can be done, right? And that's the hope and joy and power of the Gospel.

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  18. When the time is right you are going to make some LDS girl very lucky. I have no doubt. You amaze me. Thank you for your example.

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  19. Hang in! You are so mature and obviously turning to prayer to find what I thought about you this morning as i read….you have desired of me to know that which would be of the most worth unto you in the Doctrine & Covenants.

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  20. Wow, can I just tell you how amazing this post is? I really think it's one of my favorite blog posts I've ever read. David, I applaud you for your decisions and faith! You are so smart and talented, and you have such great insight! I feel bad for people in the church who are actively living homosexual lives. It's not because I'm judging them, or because I think they are "bad". I don't. I just agree with you that they will look at the gospel as the problem and dispel it from their lives, therefore letting the real problem grow and thrive leading to further destruction. Thank you so much for everything David.

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