Thursday, November 8

7 Days Left: Autism & Bipolar

7 days left until the merge is complete. Today's glimpse into my life is about autism.

Autism.

Just a few years ago I was diagnosed with Autistic Spectrum Disorder and bipolar depression.

And knowing those two things, if you also understand their influences, will probably explain a lot about Mormon Guy.

The bipolar explains the dramatic ups and downs that you find here. From ecstatic, on-top-of-the-world posts to the lowest of the low. It's just a reflection of my life.

Autism is harder to implicitly understand. If you get it, then you'll probably be able to understand a million things that have been confusing about me.

If you don't, then here's a short rundown. People with ASD come in all shapes and types. Some are blissfully oblivious to the world around them; others can function with extreme difficulty; others seem almost normal until you start to get close to them or listen to what they say. I'm between the second and the last. Universally, though, people with ASD have brains that process information, especially social cues, differently. Most can't read them at all. And the ensuing effects are somewhat severe. You don't understand sarcasm. You can feel totally alone and unloved in a crowd of people who love you. You can't develop long-term relationships even with people who want to try. You're lost in unstructured social environments like social gatherings. Peer pressure and social influence are dramatically reduced - both positive and negative.

And from the outside, to people who don't understand or know, we appear radically different. We say things that seem absurd. We lay everything out on the table when everyone else keeps their cards close to their chest. And we walk over social cues, malign social grace, and seem to have utter disregard for the social norms that everyone else takes for granted... but we can't even see. And because of our difficulty in communicating according to social norms, some people think we're overly confident. Others think we're incredibly arrogant. Others think we're amazing and heroic. In every case, the feeling is a projection of the person watching. "If I were acting/speaking like that, I would be (insert adjective here)." ...instead of an understanding of the factors at hand.

Which means that very, very few are able to see through it all into reality.

I'm not a hero or arrogant. I'm just completely honest and upfront, totally imperfect, completely alone, totally reliant on people who think I'm self-reliant, and mostly unaware of the social constructs that should be shaping the way I communicate.

This - autism - is one thing I've never been able to share here at (Gay) Mormon Guy because the world is so small.

This is why I struggle with loneliness. It's because I have trouble connecting with people on a personal and individual level - same-sex attraction aside. It's also the key to understanding how I deal with SSA. When I faced the thought that I might never be married in this life, it honestly paled in comparison with another, more foreboding thought. What if I never am able to develop lasting friendships? If I'm unable to connect with people in the first place, then getting married to anyone really isn't an option.

16 comments:

  1. I know that feeling. Tourette Syndrome, which I have, does similar things to the mind. I have come to really love it though. I feel like it gives me an upper hand in dealing with people in social situations. That's actually why I blog and what my blog is about, though I am not near as eloquent of a writer, nor do I have the technical graces to do much more than a basic format, so it's not an exciting blog. However, the point of all this is that TS and Autism are on a similar spectrum of neurological irregularities and I have done a lot of research on it, so maybe there is something there that can help. If not, maybe just some fun stories

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  2. Wow- you have a lot of Infirmities. I wonder if those 2 you just shared were taken away, would the SSA go away too? Do you consider yourself "asbergers"?

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    1. SSA definitely doesn't have significant comorbidity with autism, so I don't think that it could be a causal factor. And considering that they influence my brain in totally different ways... I honestly doubt that would happen.

      For example, most guys that I've met with same-gender attraction are fashion-savvy. They have an eye for decoration and a sense of style. But I lack at least some of the neural connections that emphasize those aspects... and so I have absolutely no sense of style, no design intuition, and honestly can't tell fashion from fish - which could be influenced by the confluence of two different stimuli on brain development. In my case with stylistic tendencies, autism seems to have effected a greater impact - overriding whatever preferential impact SSA would somehow provide.

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  3. Really amazed that you are being so authentic. And yes, it does explain a lot. I hope you are under appropriate care for the bi-polar issue in particular. I have a close friend who struggles with it, and she "self manages" it, which for those who love her, is hard to deal with. I also hope you can find a way to true, lasting happiness. We all deserve it.

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    1. The response to your comment is somewhat complicated. I'll probably write a post about it someday. In the meantime, regardless of the way you treat bipolar it's usually still there, and still deeply affects you and your loved ones. I know it does me and mine.

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  4. I've written several posts which keep getting eaten by the computer somehow. So I'm trying one more time. This is a TED talk by Temple Grandin that changed my entire world view. I searched it out when someone I adore was diagnosed with Aspergers. I highly recommend it.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fn_9f5x0f1Q

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  5. Okay, now that I think I have figured out how to get my post to work, I want to try to rewrite the posts that keep getting eaten and say that there are many people in my life who are on the spectrum and I have spent lots of time seeking to understand what goes on for them. I've read books (Born on a Blue Day; Look Me in the Eye; Mozart and the Whale) and read websites directed toward "Aspies" and I have talked to my friends and loved ones about what their worlds are like. And I guess you could say I have fallen a little in love with what I have learned.

    My Aspie friends and family members are imaginative, funny, delightful, loving, intuitive, brilliant. It is their quirkiness that makes them completely unique, fresh and delightful. SO MANY people are on the spectrum now and so many people on the spectrum have incredible gifts that are so needed in our tangled up world.

    One of the authors I read described Aspergers as a social disbility not unlike other disabilities. If you saw someone in a wheelchair, you would see what they needed help with and offer it. Folks with Aspergers sometimes need a little social patience or help but its not something that is always readily visible when you meet them. That concept made a huge difference for me in my interactions with those dear to me. It wasn't that they didn't want to chat with me, it was that they weren't sure how. I'm happy to practice the "how."

    One of my dearest friends who is an Aspie once said to me, "I just want to be normal." and while that makes perfect sense, I cherish him exactly as he is and hope someday he will feel the same.

    Anyway, I'm kinda rambling here. GMG, you do so much good in the world. I hope you see it and feel it and appreciate yourself.

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    1. Thanks, Amanda. I think all of us would like to be normal. But learning to love yourself, perhaps in spite of the things you can't do well or the things that frustrate you in life, is an experience that works with same-sex attraction, ASD, and most everything else in life.

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  6. Whoa! I've been following your blog for a while and have always had great respect for you. Now I have even more respect for you for being so authentic and staying strong in the gospel when it's so hard to fit in or feel loved and understood when you're a gay bipolar autistic mormon guy. I can somewhat relate since I'm also on the spectrum. I was diagnosed a few months ago. I don't have it bad as most, but it still has a huge influence in my life for better or worse. I've also have been trying to be more open about having AS with my roommates and whoever it may concern. I've been writing a blog about things I've been learning since my diagnosis. I don't know, maybe you'd be interested.
    musingsramblingsandmore.blogspot.com

    Anyway, way to be for being you!

    - straight Mormon girl on the spectrum

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    1. Yeah. That's a mouthful. Blogging can help you work through things, and someday hopefully there'll be a patched-together online manual of how to live life and the gospel written by people who've made it with all the things we face. Thank heavens I don't do labels. My pseudonym will always be a simple Mormon Guy. Introducing myself as gay bipolar autistic vegan (insert others here) Mormon guy would be crazy.

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  7. I hope you can feel what a huge blessing you are to many who've been following your blog, and now, your "reveal". Since I'm a mom of 4 I rarely have more than a few minutes to respond to anything at any one time. But I want you to know that after reading this post I feel more loving to my children, my fellowman and to myself. We are all a beautiful variety of genes, environment and culture, but what really is resounding in my heart right now is the fact that the Spirit of God can penetrate them all and create a matrix for growth and development like no other. Thank you:).

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    1. I appreciate the comment, Suz. I've got almost a dozen younger siblings, so I know the drill. Life is crazy with little ones. But the moments you can stop and think become all that much more.

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  8. I have a bipolar spouse and an Asperger's child. Good for you for being even more open on this blog than you've already been. I look forward to future posts on these subjects someday.

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  9. I haven't been reading for awhile so I have some catching up to do, but I'm impressed by your recent posts. It was raising my own Aspie son, now 23, an RM, and preparing for his wedding, that helped me realize I had Asperger's Syndrome myself. I frequently recommend your blog to people outside the Church who have trouble understanding the Church's teachings and positions on SSA, and to people inside the Church who have trouble understanding the Church's teachings and positions on SSA! :) Such as the member of my EQ who said, a couple of weeks ago, in perfect seriousness, "You're not gay until you've slept with a guy, though, right?"

    Sigh.

    I'm straight, but I think I kind of get it - remarkably empathetic for an Aspie in many ways. Heavenly Father has done a great deal of healing with me.

    Oh - and I served in the Catania Mission una ventina di anni fa, anche. :) Che Dio ti benedica!

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  10. Oh I am so happy to read your blog. As an auxiliary stake leader I had the opportunity once to take part of a lesson held by a young person with "clear" Autism. I wondered how this person would pull through being that the person had difficulty with eye-contact and unclear speech. Amazing! It was the most clear well-prepared lesson EVER and the spirit was intensely strong. Tears rolled down our cheeks. I was later more impressed by the fact that the person later came out as "SSA" and at the same time clearly and boldly stated a strong testimony of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and defended the Family Proclamation. The things that the Lord does with people!

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