Thursday, September 12

A Thousand Dreams

Today's a rough day.

This morning I had a dream I wanted to come true. I could see the pieces falling into place, leverage the resources I had at my disposal, and push myself beyond my comfort zone to make it happen. I made phone calls, drew up plans, and talked with others.

It's something I've wanted... for a while, but never told anyone about... because I'm afraid that if I share the dream, it might never come true. Writing that makes me laugh, since one of the best ways to kill a dream is to share it with no one, and one of the best to make it happen is to share it with everyone you know.

I'm still not really ready to talk about it. At least, not at this point on the page. I'm sure I'll make myself tell you in a few paragraphs.

Well, I was heavily engaged in putting together the pieces for my dream when I pulled back to gauge the difficulty of each of the pieces still left.

And then I realized that I really didn't have the resources to make it happen. It wasn't that it couldn't happen if someone else were in my place... it was that I stepped back and looked at myself, and what I could bring to the table. The one thing my dream needs most to become reality, I can't offer. I could pretend, but to really be honest with myself, and with the others it would end up involving, I'd have to admit that my biggest weakness overlays the greatest need. And I don't know anyone, right now at least, that has a strength to lend to mine.

I was trying to start a contemporary Christian a cappella group.

BYU's a cappella club has tryouts this next week for groups, and, traditionally, that's the perfect place to launch new groups. Tons of people just breaking onto the a cappella scene, passion, fire... and at a place like BYU, there are bound to be at least a few people passionate about every genre.

I've been in another group for a while now, and I've seen how the dynamics work. It's really not all that hard to set up or coordinate. You find some music, get people together, find a way to choose parts and a meeting time, and sing. Costumes, choreography, solos, and everything else all sort of comes along the way.

Except that, in order to put together a group, I need to be able to form a cohesive group.

Of all the things I've tried in life, forming a group is one thing where I've always failed. This isn't just transference of a few experiences. It's something that happens over, and over, and over, and over again.

Like I said, I could pretend. I know the pieces for putting together a group. Maybe I could even convince people to join the group because they had passion. But would that really be fair to someone else? I know I wouldn't want someone with my track record to be putting a group together. And what if it doesn't work out, like has happened in so many other cases? Can I be the person that ends up crushing someone else's dream?

I feel torn.

Part of me says to go for it. Leverage the talents I do have, and be honest with people and leverage their talents as well. Realize that this isn't something I'm doing alone - if it goes anywhere, I'll have other people whose talents complement my own.

And part of me says to run. Or at least wait. Life is crazy busy, and might get busier fast. I have work that is really important, relationships that already need help, callings and volunteering that are continually in need. My life needs so much already.

So I'll wait.

Today's a rough day.

But it's a good day, too. The rain is softly falling, and God is reminding me that He's here in my life. Jesus Christ is my Savior... and with Him, all things will be possible. That makes me feel at peace. Completely at peace.

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