A Cappella, Anyone?

I just realized that I mentioned I was trying out for an a cappella group a while ago, but then never followed up on what happened.

...long story short, I'm performing in a concert this Saturday evening at BYU. It's called the A Cappella Jam and will be in the auditorium of the JSB - Joseph Smith Building - on campus.

I'm the 2nd bass for my group - we're called Morris Code... and tonight we practiced with mics and it sounded pretty awesome. Especially with the bass amped up ;) We have one song that's a mix of Indonesian chant with Battle Hymn of the Republic... yeah. Cool/crazy.

There will be a handful of groups there - Noteworthy, which is probably the more famous of us, and a bunch of others.

On a different note (pun), I realized tonight how grateful I am for the guys in my group. It's the first time that I've really felt like I belong with people over time and that they want me there, and not just in one specific setting. When they let me in the group, they weren't just letting me sing with them. They were making me a part of their circle of friends. And for someone who has a hard time feeling wanted, being able to sing and laugh and talk with a bunch of guys who accept me has been awesome.

So... if you want to come, you're welcome to. Hence this post. If not (since you're probably busy during Easter weekend... and coming from outside of Utah or outside the country would probably not be worth it), I'm sure we'll record it and put it up on YouTube. And then I'll link it here and you can laugh.

Voices of Hope: Launched

Voices of Hope is live.

http://www.ldsvoicesofhope.org/

Go there and watch my story, along with others, and let me know what you think.


My Thoughts:

When I got the invitation to be a part of Voices of Hope, it was only a few days after I had decided to go public here on (Gay) Mormon Guy. I pushed back on the invitation... mostly because I didn't feel that I had the ability to determine what my voice really was. I don't read a ton of other gay Mormon blogs. I didn't personally know many of the other gay Mormon people... and so knowing where my voice fit in seemed impossible.

But the producers wanted me to be real, visceral, honest... and so I relinquished my desire to strategically determine my message and, two days after coming out here, I went to a photography studio and shared my voice of hope.

My interview, from that perspective, isn't based on what I felt the community needed. It wasn't designed, like I wanted it to be, to match or fill a need. It's just my thoughts, my hopes, my desires... with the hope that it could somehow touch someone else's life.

It's true to me - deeply cognitive, analytical, thought-out... and that's who I am. I hope that you find it meaningful. Let me know.

Supreme Court, Gay Marriage, Proposition 8 from a Gay Mormon Perspective

The United States Supreme Court is hearing evidence on the issue of whether the voters of California had the constitutional right to alter their state constitution and define marriage as between a man and a woman.

Ultimately, they are ruling on the issue of whether it's constitutional to politically oppose or support gay marriage. Whatever they choose will have massive ramifications for political battles and voter ballots for years to come.

The Church released a press release that indicates its official stance - marriage is between a man and a woman, and they hope that the Supreme Court upholds the institution of marriage as between a man and a woman.

I agree with that political viewpoint.

But in the meantime, this issue is causing rifts in the Church. People are allowed freedom to define their own political views in the gospel - hence why we have political leaders in both parties and people who vote on both sides of issues. But there is a difference between political freedom and doctrinal clarity... and some of the people involved in this debate are rejecting the doctrine of the Church. It's okay politically to believe whatever you want. It's not okay to believe that gay men should be allowed to marry in the temple, or that homosexual activity is not a major sin.

I don't need to accept people's actions to love them. I don't need to agree with them, support them, or anything of the sort for them to know that I care. In fact, in many cases, doing that is actually proof that I don't care.

Let's take a metaphor. I know - metaphors cause firestorms in the gay marriage debate. But I'll use the metaphor until it breaks and then I'll assume that you're able to drop it when it stops working.

I'm vegan, which means that I don't eat meat, milk products, eggs, fish, other animal products, or anything that contains dietary cholesterol. I also don't eat sweets or food that has sugar added - whether in the form of sugar, honey, agave, or whatever. I avoid refined carbohydrates like white bread, and typically don't eat food that has been fried. I do all of this for a number of reasons (health, spirituality); the core is that I believe that eating healthily is a principle from God that allows me to be closer spiritually to Him.

My siblings and friends know that I don't approve of their eating junk food. They know why. They also know that I care about them regardless of what they eat. And, in fact, they know I care about them because I care about what they eat. If I were just a mediocre friend, I wouldn't care. But I want them to be healthy and happy, and to experience the blessings I've found from taking care of my body. And they can feel it.

Even though I may not bring it up, there is definitely sometimes uneasiness when I'm in the room with food. People sometimes project their own emotions on to me - and they assume that I'm judging them for what they eat. Am I? I judge what they eat, and wish they would eat better, but I still love them. Some people can't handle the fact that I won't indulge in sweets with them and avoid me. But most just realize that I care.

Turn the metaphor. As a gay mormon blogger, I know a ton of people along the gay spectrum. People who are faithful members of the Church and happily married, people who are single and hopeful to find a spouse, people who are single and committed to the Church as singles, people who don't yet understand how the Plan of Salvation applies to them but are trying, people who have rejected parts of the gospel in favor of something else, people who have denied their testimonies or lost them through trauma, people who have found bliss in a different way of defining happiness.

Even though I may not agree with them, I still care. And people I meet can realize that I care about them regardless of their choices. One guy said it this way: "David, all my friends wonder why I hang out with you. You're the only Mormon I know, and they all get on my case because you oppose being gay. But I spend time with you because I like spending time with you and talking with you. You make me want to be a better person. I know where you stand, but I don't feel like it's personal to me. I know we disagree on beliefs and politics, but that's not an issue to you, and even though my friends may hate you because they don't know you, it doesn't have to be an issue to me."

Love does not mean supporting people in their actions. Love does not mean agreeing with people, even on subjects that are extremely volatile. A love like that is in inferior. God loves us unconditionally - which means that He will bless us to the greatest extent possible and always keep a door open to repentance. It doesn't mean that He will tell us it's okay if we don't repent, or that He will encourage us to walk down a pathway that won't lead to happiness. God's love pushes Him to push us - to do everything in His power to help us find the ultimate peace and happiness that comes only through following the Plan of Happiness. Sometimes that means giving me incredibly difficult circumstances that will teach me to turn to Him and be happy. Sometimes it means not giving me what I think I want, or creating massive inequalities so that different people learn different lessons from life. But everything is designed to help us learn eternal happiness. Anything else will rob us today and in the eternities... and a loving God would never be okay with that.

Love is caring about someone completely and unconditionally and being willing and anxious to do anything in my power to ensure their eternal happiness. Love weighs eternity heavier than today, long-lasting hope over temporary pleasure, meaning and purpose over desires and passion.

A Nice Thing about Guys with SSA

This is adorable.

It's sort of complicated to explain my physical needs to another guy if he's heterosexual. It feels sort of awkward to tell a guy that I'd prefer that he touch me more... especially in a culture where touch is so deeply sexualized. Simply having that conversation requires enough of a relationship that we're at least friends... which ultimately means that it almost never happens.

I totally understand the difficulty. Girls have had to explain to me their need for emotional and physical intimacy in relationships, and I was clueless until they told me. I'd assume that the same issues hold between guys.

That said, it's really nice when I meet a guy with same-sex attraction. I can immediately understand that he needs touch & emotional intimacy just as much as I do... and we don't need to go over the reasons why. And if I also know that he's committed to living the gospel and has clear moral boundaries, it makes it a lot easier to find someone who's willing to give me a hug or run his hands through my hair (both of which would make some hetero guys cringe just from reading about it) - not just because I look like I need it, but because he wants it, too... and he also knows what I'm going through.

Boundaries & Expectations - What's OK, What's Not

Boundaries and expectations are interesting to me, because they're so incredibly personal, and yet so incredibly public at the same time. I'm talking about physical and emotional boundaries and expectations in relationships - specifically, with other guys.

Until I sat down to think about it, I'm pretty sure I didn't have clearly set boundaries when it came to physical or emotional contact with other people. I mean, part of me didn't want to specify boundaries because it felt like it should be sort of obvious. Just keep the commandments. I do what's right, and I don't do what's wrong... right?

But the reality is that boundaries aren't a re-hash of commandments - they're the guarding walls that keep me from getting that far. The things that ensure that I'm not going to find myself carried away in the heat of the moment to somewhere I don't want to go.

The boundaries for physical contact between guys with SSA are the same boundaries that are given between anyone, as outlined in True to the Faith:

“Never do anything outside of marriage to arouse the powerful emotions that must be expressed only in marriage. Do not arouse those emotions in another person’s body or in your own body” (True to the Faith, 32).

That seems simple. Added to that are some other important boundaries that apply - don't touch the private parts of others; don't let them touch me.

...but the reality is that it's a bit more nuanced than it first appears. The last-resort boundary is the same for everything and is never crossed. But, depending on my experiences, the more fuzzy "arousing those emotions" will fall somewhere on a massive sliding scale. On one extreme, maybe I can appreciate a guy's touch and, as long as it stays within moral boundaries, it's not arousing to me. On the other, maybe just being close to a guy - even without any actual physical contact - could be enough to set off my emotions. And it's probably different with different guys.

Which means that each relationship needs to have boundaries - not just a set of boundaries for myself.

But what about when just being close sends my mind spinning? When arousal isn't even based on physical contact? What then? Do I completely cut off contact altogether?

And what if close contact causes emotional turmoil? If getting a hug, or touching my back, or brushing my arm are physically intense? What then?

I'm not sure that I've found the answers to those yet - except that in my life, the answer was to commit heavily to the gospel boundary. Don't do anything that causes arousal or gratifies sexual emotions.

But touch involves two people. And that's where it can get complicated.

If I'm going to be friends with a guy - and physicality will be part of our relationship - I may or may not know where our expectations and boundaries overlap. Most likely, I won't. If someone I know could be set off by my touching his elbow or putting my hand on his shoulder, I won't know that unless he tells me. And it goes the other way as well with expectations - if he needs a hug and doesn't tell me, there's no way I'll know.

For me, knowing others' boundaries is important so that I can help them stay safe. Simply talking about them makes us more willing to follow them... and means that I'm less likely to do something that will be a trigger, and vice versa.

The same thing applies in emotional situations, but boundaries are more nuanced there. I'm on one extreme: I'd be willing to let a stranger show up on my doorstep and talk for as long as he needed; other people have issues with friends who text them too often. One of the big issues with emotional boundaries is that people don't talk about them. And if someone oversteps their bounds, it causes huge distress to the relationship because the other person often doesn't even say anything about it.

On the other hand of boundaries are expectations - which are essentially minimum expected interactions. Physically, this may be a handshake, or can grow depending on the person or even the development of the relationship. Emotionally it follows a similar pattern. Reciprocity (asking back the same questions, offering similar information) is usually an emotional given... and it changes as the relationship changes as well.

Good relationships are ones that stay within those bounds - expectations at the minimum, and boundaries along the max.

Now if only there were a good way of actually determining them without straight-out asking... asking about physicality is fine. But asking about expectations and boundaries in emotional communication comes across as a DTR.

Northern Lights: If You Want to Be My Friend

I just wrote a post on Northern Lights that you should definitely check out.

It's called "If You Want to Be My (Girl or Boy) Friend..." and is located here: http://northstarlds.org/blog/2013/03/if-you-want-to-be-my-friend/

You can comment there or here with thoughts.

Pain for Others

I don't know if we as human beings experience pain differently from one another. Part of me assumes that we do, since the medical world talks about pain tolerance and experiences that seem to scar one person flatten another.

Either way, today I'm in pain.

Most of the pain in my life is caused by myself. By misunderstanding what's real and what isn't. By focusing on things that won't lead me to happiness.

But then there are people. And the pain that comes from loving. When I open my heart to people and they crush it. When they tell me I don't care, or that they are leaving me, or to go away.

That's pain.
 And then there's the pain of watching someone else in pain. Someone struggling to find hope and faith. And feeling totally impotent to make a difference even when it's been the focus of my mind and prayers and 3 days of fasting.

But it's worth it, right? Relationships... people make me a better man, and give me a reason to go on in life... even if they are painful.

I wonder how God deals with it. He loves people even more than I do... which means that He must feel a lot of pain.

Bliss and Self-Deception

I've been thinking about happiness recently... and trying to reconcile a few things that present some issues in my views. This is sort of long and rambling.... but I felt like it was useful.

Here are the pieces of the puzzle:

1. "Wickedness never was happiness" - this can safely be assumed to mean that disobedience to commandments will bring less happiness than the alternative.

2. "Ignorance is bliss" - this is the statement that made me want to write this post. But in the statement itself is irony; lacking knowledge can bring me greater happiness? What? There's also the statement that I cannot be saved in ignorance. More on that later.

3. "God has a Fulness of Joy" - this seems to be an expression of ultimate happiness.

4. "Men are that they might have joy" - so it looks like God wants me to be happy, but He uses the word joy... so He wants me to have the happiness that He has.

5. The Plan of Salvation/Happiness is a pathway that ultimately leads us to God... and I know that following God will always lead to greater happiness than any alternative.

The big issue at play here is this: I've known many people who claimed to be "completely happy" while doing wickedness. All sorts of wickedness - from mundane to esoteric. And the saying "Ignorance is bliss" really is somewhat true - I know my own perception of happiness has changed based on the knowledge that I've had. As a kid, I was blissfully unaware that I had no friends. And blissfully happy without that knowledge.

But as soon as I realized that I was missing something, and felt the need for friends, the bliss disappeared completely.

Just today I realized that, maybe, happiness has two different axes - just like humidity.

There are two types of humidity. Relative humidity is expressed in terms of % - with a maximum of 100%. Relative humidity is based on partial vapor pressure, temperature... but the simplest way to look at it is this: warm air holds more humidity.

Regardless of temperature, relative humidity has an impact. Heating up dry, cold air during the winter dramatically reduces its relative humidity, which can cause chapped lips, dry skin, and coughing. And once humidity reaches 100%, water begins to immediately condense on every available surface regardless of temperature. In warm temperatures, it's dew. In cold temperatures, it's frost.

Most of the time when I'm talking about humidity, I'm talking about relative humidity. "It's humid today," is assumed to be relative to yesterday, and the normal climate where I live. But when I talk with someone who has lived in an extremely warm, extremely humid environment, their definition of humidity will be dramatically different from mine... because they are working from a different scale, because they've experienced a higher absolute humidity. Maybe we're at 100% humidity. Maybe it's the most humid I have ever felt in my life. But there's always more humid to feel.

I feel like when I use the word happiness, I am usually referring to it in a relative sense. And that makes sense - the frowny-happy face scale that it used in psychological testing is the gold standard. I can only talk about how I feel, and how I feel I feel.

In this metaphor, "bliss" would be like the dewpoint - a relative maximum amount of happiness available at a given point.

But, just like the dewpoint, "bliss," while it may accurately describe relative happiness, it doesn't describe happiness in absolute terms. It could be 0 degrees outside, and the bliss is frost on the ground - not really much absolute humidity or happiness at all. Or it could be 100 degrees outside, and the bliss is like the heavy, warm dew of a tropical rainforest - huge amounts of absolute humidity and happiness.

So it looks like joy, then, would be an expression of an absolute maximum of happiness.

I think that makes sense. The scriptures teach that keeping the commandments - following truth - leads to greater happiness. So, as I learn about new truth, that knowledge enables me to gain greater happiness if I apply it. At the same time, not following that truth will lead to unhappiness. And maybe not even in terms of absolutes... maybe it would just be relative.

From that perspective, it would be interesting to rate the absolute and relative happiness of people across the globe. Or of me in different stages of my life.

When I knew very little about God and His commandments, and I was a generally good person, my life was close to bliss.

When I learned more about how to find greater happiness, the scale shifted. More happiness was available, but I wasn't there yet. So while I learned to apply the principles, I was growing in absolute happiness, but my relative happiness wasn't at a maximum. I didn't have bliss.

When I was able to effectively apply all the principles I had learned, bliss came again. This time, though, I had a greater version of happiness than before.

Then the pattern repeated.

...

An interesting caveat. If I want to be happier - to feel greater relative happiness (since I feel relative, and not absolute happiness) - there two ways to get there.

The first is to better apply the truth I already know - maximize what I have according to what I know. This takes a lot of work, effort, and is often a humbling experience. This is what God wants me to do, and how the Plan works.

The second is to try to forget the knowledge I've received. The thing is, just like lowering the temperature increases the relative humidity without changing the absolute measurement, lowering my maximum amount of happiness - based on the truth I understand - works in the same way. If I could deceive myself, or forget what I've learned that could make me happier, or find a way to convince myself that it's wrong, then my relative happiness would rise... even though my absolute happiness had stayed the same.

That's how, if I left the truth I've known and loved, and renounced the things I believe, I could actually feel greater relative happiness after the fact. If I find a way to forget, at least in the moment, that something better is out there... and am still a good person, the happiness I see could seem to be the maximum that life could offer. At least in the moments when I could make myself forget, or not believe.

But moving backwards to bliss - and trying to find happiness by changing my beliefs instead of my actions - sounds a lot like mortal damnation. God wants me to move forward, change, and grow in joy.

Men are not that they might have bliss. So I shouldn't follow it into places where I deceive myself. Men are that they might have joy - which means that, as I grow in knowledge and faith, happiness will be lasting, but bliss will only be momentary, on a few steps along the path.

#gaymormon Twitter Chat Today at 12MST

Hey all. Today is the first ever Twitter chat on all things gay and Mormon. Come join the conversation - you're invited whether you're gay, Mormon, one, both, or neither.

The topic is the Church's site mormonsandgays.org

If you've been to a Twitter chat before, here are the details:

Time: 12:00:00 MST
Hashtag: #gaymormon

If you don't know what a Twitter chat is, keep reading. I'll give you step-by-step instructions on what to expect and how to participate. And you want to join - it should be cool.

1. Log in to Twitter at Twitter.com or using another service. If you don't have a Twitter account, make one. You live in a world of social media.

2. At the specified time (noon today), search for the hashtag #gaymormon - make sure to check time zones. The #gaymormon chat will always be at 12:00 mountain on Saturdays.

3. Someone (today me) will ask questions by prefacing their post with a Q and the number of the question. So the first question will be this: Q1: What were your initial reactions to the mormonsandgays site?

4. If you want to join the conversation, just write a tweet that uses the hashtag #gaymormon - if you are answering a question, begin your tweet with A - so my answer to question 1 would be: A1: I was in class and was so excited that I totally stopped paying attention.

Remember, ALWAYS use the #gaymormon hashtag - otherwise no one will be able to see what you write.

5. As people write tweets using #gaymormon, they will appear on your screen immediately. You may have to click something that says "2 new tweets" or something similar. So it's sort of like a conversation where everyone can talk and everyone can listen at the same time.

Invite your friends! Twitter chats are cool regardless of how many people show up. And, if you didn't already know, I'm @gaymormonguy

Fear and Pain

In a matter of minutes, my world fell apart today. And I'm crying.

I'm crying because I'm in pain. Because I'm so incredibly, desperately afraid. And I'm crying because I've let myself hope again - let myself be vulnerable to a pain that has ripped me apart in the past and threatens to rip me apart now.

It's loneliness. Total and complete loneliness.

For the last 14 years, my only wish and prayer has been to find a friend. But I can never get close enough. I try, and it doesn't work. Or something happens to push us apart. I can love the people on the street as deeply as I love my family... but no more. There is no distinction, and I'm left alone because I can't cross the bridge to feeling.

The feeling of loneliness is beyond miserable. But the reason I'm crying isn't the feeling. It's the fear.

I can deal with the feeling. Lock it inside a steel box of numbness and tell myself that this is life - that being alone, and feeling alone, is just part of what I face forever. I will never have friends, or at least I will never feel them close. That God knows what He is doing. So I turn off the pain, and try to forget it was ever there.

But then, somehow, someone breaks through. The box that holds my feelings gets opened and I find myself wondering if maybe the miracle I've prayed for for so long is going to happen. If God will help me find a friend and help me feel loved. And I let myself hope.

And in that moment I become more vulnerable than ever before, to fear.

Maybe this is depression speaking. Except that it doesn't feel anything like depression. It just hurts.

I just wish I had the faith to believe. To honestly and truly believe that it will work out. Even when things go wrong, or people come and go. Even if I never have a friend who stays.

I just wish I had the faith to live with hope without being smashed flat by my abject fear of being alone forever. The fear that I try to smother with every good thing I do in life. The fear that makes me anxious when I don't have someone to counsel or someone to teach or something "noble" to accomplish. The fear that convinces me that the people who say they love me... don't... and that only their goodness keeps me in their grace. The fear that as soon as something better, or less painful or needy, comes along, I'll lose someone else before they got close. Because it has happened every time. And the fear that leaves me curled up in a ball in my car, sobbing because I'm ashamed and because I'm afraid.

Dear God, please help me find peace. Help me to feel loved even when I'm afraid of being alone forever. Help me to know that it will be okay, no matter what happens. Help me to love, and to live, and to find joy in life regardless of circumstance. Help me to be vulnerable, and to be able to deal with the pain that comes from leaving my heart open to the people I love. Bless the people I love for the time they've spent with me... and help me be better.

I'm okay. Life will go on. I stopped crying and can go back to class. I just need to have faith that it'll all work out.

It'll be okay.

Sin and Seduction

"to him that knoweth to do good, and doeth it not, to him it is sin" (James 4:17).

I found myself wondering today about sin. What it is. Where it comes from. How it can be completely tempting and damning at the same time. Why I fall into its trap. How it's defined and set out for me, and for the world.

Hopefully, by the end of this post, I'll know a little bit more.

In James, sin is described as having two components: "Knowing to do good" and "not doing it."

Knowledge about what is good comes in many ways. The first, and most universal, is conscience, or the light of Christ, that imbues me, and all men, with an innate understanding of right and wrong.

"For behold, the Spirit of Christ is given to every man, that he may know good from evil" (Moroni 7:16).

I don't know exactly what the light of Christ teaches. I'd assume that, like most other gifts from God, it grows or diminishes based on my willingness to follow what it teaches me, or based on my ability to listen to its influence. The presence of ethics, moral situations, and people who make great choices in life without necessarily attributing them to divine guidance makes me think that the light of Christ is actually pretty comprehensive. That could be why good people can exist in and outside of ecclesiastical organizations, in countries where churches have never set foot, and in places where people have had to completely reconstruct the moral foundations of society.

But the light of Christ isn't enough by itself, because I don't think it actually teaches new information about goodness; it just helps me choose when I have different options presented to me.

Hence the need for the second and only other source of knowledge: God Himself.

The light of Christ allows me to choose between the options that I see in life. But God does something more. He can see the pathway that I walk, and knows which way will lead me to happiness. So He reveals that truth-goodness to me.

That happens in a lot of different ways. In the days of Adam, it was simple. God spoke to Adam face-to-face, sent angels, gave him dreams, and inspired his mind. But as soon as Eve entered the scene, truth became transferable. And in the days that followed, God could speak to any man he chose, and those men could then teach others how to be happy.

God chose prophets to lead and guide His people to happiness, and gave them power to prove their authority to men. When the Lord speaks to prophets, it is for the benefit of mankind as a whole.

Then there's when God speaks to His children one-on-one. Through the power of the Holy Ghost, or visions, or dreams, or angels, God still speaks me individually even when there is a prophet... because the prophet teaches a broad, universally applicable set of truths that will help everyone find happiness in eternity. But to rise to an even higher level, I need to understand what else I can do, or not do, to find happiness in my daily life.

Then there was the advent of science, as God inspired men to comprehend the workings of the universe and gave them tools to understand more. Writing, wherein truth could be preserved and passed down, unaltered, from generation to generation.

Today, the truth is dispersed among hundreds of thousands of voices. A prophet that receives continuing revelation for the world. Scriptures that teach applications of doctrine throughout diverse circumstances. The Holy Ghost. Science and medicine and philosophy and art and music and language, all giving insight into the workings of eternity, all offering pathways that purport to lead to happiness.

Short backtrack: It's interesting to me that, even though I am different from anyone else in the world, the pathway to happiness has portions that look the same to me as they do to everyone else. Hence the presence of commandments.

Sometimes I wonder why they're called commandments... and what they really are. I think that looking at sin as something inherently evil is not really on the mark. Many sins do seem inherently evil, but the definition given in James is much broader. It feels like to me that anything that leads me away from eternal happiness is what he was talking about.

Anything that leads me away from greater happiness is sin.

Why?

I think the simple reason is that God loves me. And the definition of love is wanting me to be happy more than anything else, and being willing to do anything to help me achieve that happiness. Mediocre parents give their kids whatever they want. Good parents tell their kids to eat their vegetables. But the perfect Father created life as an opportunity for the perfect experience to teach me to be happy. The distinctions of right and wrong and good and evil are simply distinctions to help me find happiness along the path.

Anything less than full happiness is unacceptable to anyone who really loves someone. But that doesn't mean that life will always be happy. Because I'm sort of dense, the Lord has given me plenty of experiences that, in the end, helped me to grow and learn and appreciate life and be happier... but in the moment I was miserable. But that's a sidetrack.

Hence anything that leads me away from the final destination would be sin.

What's crazy, is that as I follow further along the path, God gives me more knowledge... and that knowledge enables me to better choose what is good. Maybe before I knew that I should eat healthily, but my thought was that "healthily" meant eating everything in moderation. Then I learn about the Word of Wisdom and am better able to choose the right things to stay healthy, and I'm happier. Then I read a study by the American Heart Association and the Holy Ghost confirms that I need to give up sugar, and I'm happier still.

So... what's the temptation then?

I think that the temptation of sin is the temptation of the known vs. the unknown. Trust in what I can see and touch and feel, versus trust in God and the things I can't see or touch or feel. Ultimately, I sin because I honestly choose to believe, in the moment, that whatever I'm doing is worth it. That of all the possible routes to happiness, this one is the best. If I'm aligned with God, then I can be sure that my actions will lead to happiness. But whenever I choose something that doesn't align with what I know, that's sin.

The difficulty comes when the pain of sin, and the happiness of goodness, don't come immediately. When a spoonful of sugar tastes good, and broccoli doesn't. If all sins were painful, no one would do them. I wouldn't. Even a few seconds of distance makes it easy to forget and to believe that the gain of sin will outweigh the pain that follows. Like when someone who is extremely lactose-intolerant convinces himself that eating ice cream is worth it, even though he knows that 3 hours of pain isn't worth 5 minutes of food. So it takes humility and faith.

I think it's amazing that God put into place so many guideposts to help me find my way. Some sins - like sexual sins - can have a lasting impact but seem to be (according to modern society) somewhat benign. They were so central to the commandments that people in Israel were stoned for sexual sin, and Christ taught that simply lusting after someone (not even committing the act) was a major sin. The reasons why could seem numerous: Science has shown that the rush of endorphins that accompanies sexual activity embeds it in the brain forever, changing the brain's function in the future. It's the power of creating life. It's the closest I get to being like God - having the ability to become a father. But the reality is that even with modern science and centuries of prophets, I don't know why the road to happiness looks the way it does. I just know it does... and that a loving God knows what things will have a profound effect on my happiness. Hence why He declares them sin.

It would be easy to stagnate in life. To do things that will give temporary pleasure and move from one stage of life to another, focusing on the things that I know will make me happy now. But God has something better in mind. He knows that eventually life's satisfactions lose their savor. That illness, disability, and sorrow won't disappear simply by indulging in life. He wants me to have the ability to be happy no matter what is happening in my life. And I have no idea what eternity is going to look like.

So there it is. I think I understand a little better. And, in my mind, I get the feeling that I need to be humble. To realize that God really does understand who I am, what I face, and the desires and pains of my heart. He knows what will help me be happy, and will always help me know the right direction to go.

I just need to make sure that, when the time comes that sin and its seduction make their appearance next, I'm willing to believe that God knows and loves me... and follow Him on the road to happiness instead of trying to make my own way.

Touch Me... Touch Me Not

I thought I'd write about touch today. I don't know how articulate this post is going to be, as touch brings about a mess of emotions and thoughts inside my head. Which is why I'm writing. Hopefully it makes sense in the end.

I'm not sure how tactile I was as a child. My family is a loving family, and I guess we're giving with touch. I haven't seen other family dynamics, so I'm not sure what other families are like. No. That's not totally true. I realized when looking at my cousins that my family is different from the rough-and-tumble that might be a part of others. My nuclear family didn't wrestle, and the only thing that came close was at extended family gatherings with cousins. Even the sports we chose were no-contact. Swimming, diving, soccer (at least when I was young enough that kids didn't elbow me when the ref couldn't see - older than 10, soccer is a full-contact sport).

There were the sort of strange sensory quirks that seemed sort of normal but now are potentially explainable with the autism spectrum: my refusal to wear wool or long sleeves, my passion for sweat pants that stretched into middle school and then (when my mom, mortified that if I got my way I would attend 6th grade wearing sweat pants each day, bought only jean shorts that summer, then jeans and I had no other clothes that fit me) soft jeans, the assortment of food textures that would cause an unconscious gag reflex, and, even as a toddler, refusing to play in a sandbox or the dirt because I hated the feeling...

And then the others that I'm not sure I ever told anyone. That I couldn't sleep if someone's skin was touching mine, to the point of waking up in the middle of the night on a road trip because my little sister's finger had touched one of mine. That there was a painful physicality to loud music or flashing lights that made my head hurt. That every time someone touched me, I could almost feel it running up my spinal column, a deep emotional response resounding in my brain - for better or for worse. Touch was always charged with meaning.

I remember sitting in Sacrament meeting, my head down, with my mom drawing on my back. She would draw a letter, or a picture, and I would have to guess what it was. I remember being awful at the game. But the reason why I kept playing wasn't because I wanted to get better. It was because of the strangeness of the feeling. Each touch sent waves of shivers through my back. Not painful ones. Just an intense physiological response to something that, even in my little-kid brain, seemed like it should be normal.

I now know that hypersensitivity to touch is a somewhat common symptom of autistic spectrum disorders. Either way, I think it's probably that the intense physicality of  touch slowly and subconsciously made me avoid places and situations where I would be touched. I learned to find a seat where I wouldn't be touched when sitting down. Perhaps my choice in sports was motivated by it as well. And combined with awkwardness that I couldn't see and the natural difficulty with engaging in conversation or entering a group that I could, maybe my lack of touch just made sense to other people. David's a bit standoffish - he doesn't talk to most people; he doesn't touch people; he's not really like other people.

I don't think I could candidly write about touch without also writing about abuse. At 16 years old, I was sexually abused... and the exact, minute details in complete have been engrained in my psyche forever. The incredible grief, agony, guilt, despair, and self-loathing that accompanied the memory when it was first formed are gone. I know that it wasn't my fault. That God wasn't punishing me for being unfaithful in some way. That the experience didn't rob me of blessings that God has promised me. But the memory is still there, complete with the heightened sensations that, looking back, seem to be there every time someone touches me.

If I've been hypersensitive to touch, that could explain a lot. Being hypersensitive physically could subconsciously make me push people away. Attaching deep emotional connections to even an errant brush on my sleeve could make me touch others less to avoid playing with their emotions. I'm realizing now as I write this that, for most of my life, I've honestly assumed that everyone experiences life the way I do. I realize cognitively that that makes no sense. But that belief - that's another symptom of ASD - a difficulty in empathy. Not in empathizing with people once I understand what they're going through and realize that my normal isn't normal at all... but a difficulty in even recognizing that life could be any other way than how it is to me.

Maybe that's one reason why I never touched my dates unless occasion absolutely required. For me, touch carried a deep emotional weight that couldn't just be brushed off - proof that there was a connection there beyond just the casual... and since I knew I wasn't physically attracted to them (even before I admitted to myself that it was because of SSA), and couldn't honestly send that message, I couldn't touch them. It seemed almost like abuse - that sending that message, causing those feelings, would be violating their trust in me. I couldn't brush their arm with mine, or even allow that to happen, which undoubtedly created distance. No one ever asked me about it, but I could tell.
 
On my mission I gave bear hugs to other elders because that was the only type of hug I could do that wasn't so intense that it almost hurt. Just a hug... I'll just say that hugs are far more intense than bear hugs are. The irony is that the least painful hug for me was the one that would crack their backs and, if they didn't hug back, would also leave them gasping slightly for breath.

Another deeper irony, looking back over all of it, is that one of my primary love languages is physical touch.

I don't know if I'm still hypersensitive. Maybe I am. But that doesn't mean that I need to avoid touch - just that I need to understand it. I got over my abhorrence for long-sleeved shirts - I'm wearing a ribbed long-sleeve shirt right now. I tamed my gag reflex and can eat anything that's healthy, regardless of texture (or taste, but that's another story). I've fallen asleep with a baby in my arms, the heat of its body making me feel loved instead of burning. And I've held guys - in real hugs - who just needed to be loved.

And then last night, when depression hit me hard without warning, I found myself on the other side. Asking friends - guys - to hold me while I cried. And in that touch - again, not a bear hug, but a real one - I felt loved. It was the first time I've had the courage to ask... and the first time someone has held me when I really needed it, instead of me holding someone else. It was a feeling that bridged a gap that I didn't even realize was there.
 
I don't touch people because, after my own lifetime of avoidance, I haven't learned how to. Because I don't want to be awkward. Because I don't want to send the wrong messages (messages I probably misinterpret in the first place).

But I want to change that.

I think I'm learning what touch looks like to others. What I can do to physically show people that I love them, and how to stop sending vibes that say "touch me not." How I can pull down the walls that have been a part of my reality and let myself feel people - literally - and let them be a bigger part of my physical life.
 I got a massage a little while ago. I had been talking with a massage therapist about my essential oil company. She was giving away free 5-minute massages, and asked if I wanted one. I laid down on the table, fully clothed, with more than a bit of trepidation, and she tried to loosen my back, shoulders, and arms. She asked me after I stood up if that was my first-ever massage. It was. But hopefully I can get the courage to go back.

I've got a lifetime of knots to untie... and I can already tell that it's going to be an adventure.

Love is Pain.

How is it that thou canst weep, seeing thou art holy, and from all eternity to all eternity? (Moses 7:29)

I don't think there's anything more painful than watching someone I love suffer and feeling helpless to ease their sorrow.

There are pain medications to dull the pain of appendicitis. There is peace and love from God even when my own sins have wracked me with torment, or when I feel alone and lost and frustrated with the world.

But there is no way to numb the pain I feel for others without also numbing the love I have for them.

Emotions can't be turned off one by one. To stop the pain, I would have to go numb.

...

I've been numb before.

During high school, overwhelmed with the guilt of addiction, inadequacy, and depression, I turned off my feelings. Not all of them. Just enough to be able to get through a day. Or an hour. Or a moment. All that life seemed to offer was pain... and I didn't want to kill myself. So I became numb. Those were the only two options I saw, and since no one else knew, I had no one to tell me otherwise.

And, for a while, it worked. Bottling up all my feelings made life easier. Simpler. Instead of making choices based on passion, I just did what I thought was best. And the pain disappeared into the background. But so did love and everything good in life. When the world offered me the chance to be a performer or study physics, I chose physics... because it was stable, secure, and rigorous. I didn't ask myself what I wanted to do. Maybe I took my love out of the drawer and looked at it for a moment, but ultimately I put it back away.

I didn't believe I could handle it. Loving myself, people, the world, and life, so much... and watching so much pain.

But numbness hurts even more than having a broken heart.

Numbness pulls the meaning from life entirely... and makes it impossible to laugh, to smile, to dance and enjoy the moment. Nothing matters when I'm numb, and when nothing matters, life, as a whole, is awful.

At least when I'm in love, I can see the minuscule good things in life... if I'm willing to look for them. When I let myself love and hope, I have feelings for people. Motivation to do whatever I can to help them find happiness... and a willingness to find any cure for their pains. I would climb a mountain or change the world to see them smile. Yes, love opens the door to pain. Pain so intense that it rips me apart and makes me want to take something to numb my life again.

But it's better to have loved, and lost, and gone through the incredible torment that brings, then to never have loved at all.

Letting Myself Fall in Love

Sometimes people ask me what I do when I find myself deeply attracted to a guy. Usually the question comes from another guy with same-sex attraction who wants to know how I deal with the temptations that often follow attraction. Often I sidestep the question with the answer, "It's not really a huge issue" or "I get to know him." But even though those statements are totally honest, putting them together doesn't really catch the whole gist of the story.


The truth is that I let myself fall in love.

Really.

The scriptures tell us to love all men. Charity - the pure love of Christ for all mankind - is the ultimate virtue. And so I leverage my attractions to men to help me love them.

Attraction is an interesting thing. It blinds me to a guy's flaws and accentuates his strengths. It makes me want to get to know him as a person and to understand the things that are happening inside his mind. And those two things - an eye for the good and a powerful desire to understand him - make learning to love him... the way God loves him... much easier.

It's happened more times than I can count. Attraction hits, and I do everything I can to get to know about a guy. And as I get to know him, I see him as a son of God. His dreams become my dreams for him, and I find myself wanting him to be happy - not just happy today, but happy for the rest of his life and into eternity. 

That may seem backwards, especially from a guy who is committed to living the gospel no matter what. I'm never going to date or marry a guy. So what happens if he's attracted back to me? What happens if he falls in love with me? Doesn't that lead to a compromising situation?

It does.

But so do all the other paths.

The reality is that being homosexual, by its very nature, puts me into compromising situations. Regardless of the path I choose, my life will be fraught with temptation.

The question then is this: What safeguards can I put into place? And the answer I've found is deceptively simple: Learn to love all men. The greatest strength against temptations is love.

When I love someone, there is no way that I could ever hurt them. No way that I could ever do something that would injure them or cause them grief in the past. But there are prerequisites for that happening. For starters, I have to understand what happiness looks like. If I thought that this life ended at death, then morality would make no sense. But since I honestly believe that God gave us commandments to help us find happiness, and that following those commandments - spirit and letter of the law - will lead to the greatest results now and in eternity, everything I do for someone I love will be to help him stay on that path. I could never let myself get in the way.

That's the distinction between love and lust... and the key to how my relationships progress. Love is valuing someone's eternal happiness and being willing to do anything I can to help him to be happy. Lust is valuing my current sensuality above anything else.

Love I cultivate. Lust I smash.

And then when temptations come, they turn my stomach instead of turning me on.

So I'm attracted to this guy. I'm in love with him. Temptations come. But I love him more than just from attractions. My thoughts about him include all the things he wants to accomplish in life and the love that God has for him. I love him as a brother and a friend for eternity. That's the barrier that has worked the best for me, and the one that will keep me safe. Because even if my own morals were lacking, I would never do anything to send my brother, or a good friend, to hell.