So last night as the fireside started I wondered if sitting by myself was (probably) a sign that I had simply arrived later than most, (potentially - it's happened in the past) that people were giving me space, or (the inexorable possibility that isn't true yet still crosses my mind) if people just weren't interested in being near me.
The fireside was good. Nathan Gibbons - a therapist who works at the MTC - along with Jimmy Merrell - a researcher in the Deaf community spoke about things that seemed useful and worthwhile to the group. But more, it made me feel good about my own progress. Not that I've made a ton of visible strides recently, but I feel like life is good - and perspective seems to be the most important part.
As the fireside ended, the awkwardness descended yet again... and I found myself talking with people, wanting to dive deeper, yet stuck feeling like it wasn't going to happen. I want to get close to people, but I have no idea how to do it... and the feeling that people don't care still sticks in the back of my kind. I don't know where the feeling comes from. I know that people care about me. Tons of people told me, personally and specifically, that they were glad to see me. And yet, even surrounded by people who know me, understand some of the things I'm going through in life, and care about me... I still struggle to make connections. I'm sure it didn't help that I had to leave sooner than I wanted; my little sister was opening her mission call and had already postponed the event half an hour. She got called to the Brazil, Santos mission - leaving for the Brazil MTC at the end of October. But I still had time. *sigh*
Ironically, today I was released from my calling as ward music co-chair and called to be a ward missionary and member of the fellowshipping committee. So a major part of my calling is to develop better relationships with people. Right now I know the ward well enough to tell who is new... but even remembering their names after a minute or two is stretching it. Maybe I'll get lucky and the blessings from my calling will bleed into my normal life.
Either way, I definitely have a long ways to go.
Isn't it just amazing how the Lord places us in callings that are exactly what we need. Sounds like your new calling will be a great opportunity for you to grow, for some of your needs to be met, and for you to use your great strengths to help others. I'm excited for you.
ReplyDeleteRecently I was thinking about how I have not really learned people's names and who's who in my ward since it was rearranged several years ago, and how I really need to get to know everyone in my neighborhood and ward. At the same time, I had also been feeling like I needed to be of service more and figure out a way to find out who is in need so I can try to help in some way.........
BINGO! - My new calling ~~~~Compassionate Service Leader ;)
ReplyDeleteCongratulations on your new calling! I'm pretty shy in a crowd and I remember the day I got set apart as a counselor in the Bishopric of our ward. The member of the Stake Presidency who set me apart didn't know me well. As he laid his hands on my head one of the things he promised is I would be able to reach out to those who felt like they didn't fit in and help them feel included.
Our Bishopric stayed completely intact for the full 5+ years. When I was injured in a serious accident and spent 2 months in a hospital bed, followed by months in a wheelchair, I expected the Bishop would probably release me, but he didn't. I still remember the first Sunday I was able to be on the stand again. I was on crutches, barely able to stand, as I conducted Sacrament meeting. Afterward, one of the sisters in our ward (a mother of 2 special needs kids) came up to me and said, "when we heard the news of your accident I was devastated. Life seemed so unfair. But then when I saw you up there conducting today, my hope was strengthened."
I learned two important things, among others, during those 5 years... about the calling. First, people will love you, really love you, because of the position of service you have been entrusted with. Second, I remember sitting on the stand and looking out over the congregation and loving EVERYONE. I already had a pretty healthy amount of empathy for people, but that increase of love for everyone was a gift of the Spirit that accompanied my calling. It was a great blessing that I could palpably feel every time I was around our ward members.
I believe God will continue to bless you with miracles in your life because of your desire to serve him. This post is aptly named. I've watched you continue to move "Forward" even when life has been rough. You have a lot to offer David... not least of which is a faithful heart. Your message that God loves all of us shines through in your words and in your life. From experience, I know God will bless you through his Spirit with an abundance of love for those you serve, and that some natural barriers in your life will be breached. I'm excited for you.