And then I get to the pool party, see the crowds milling together - groups of people meshed and flowing from one to another - and remember... I don't even know how to phrase it. It's like an overwhelming shyness mixed with gut-wrenching fear and discomfort at even being there. At stake dances I would sit in the church foyer because I felt like I should be there, but couldn't bring myself to go inside. At the pool party I didn't have a small group of people who could be a buffer for me and help me get to know new people. I didn't have a role to play like I do when I'm hosting a party, or when there's a topic already decided for conversation. The only thing I could think of doing was playing with my little brother, who's in town with my family, or practicing diving on the diving board, or just standing in the pool alone... neither of which put me in contact with anyone else, let alone a potential eternal mate.
I left the party frustrated with myself because I couldn't talk with anyone. Frustrated because I had been so excited, maybe even blithely so, and had somehow forgotten what inevitably happens to me in unstructured large-group gatherings. And frustrated with myself because I could feel myself wondering if I'll ever be worth it - asking questions that I should be firm on... answers that I've gotten a thousand times. And yet I still find myself wondering. If I have trouble talking with people, if I carry massive emotional and other burdens, if...
*sigh*
How is this ever going to work out?
God can do amazing things. Incredible miracles. Mold man from the dust and call down fire from Heaven. But will I be up to the task? Can He mold me into something worthwhile? And what kind of woman would ever want to spend eternity at my side?
And how many times will I need to experience things like this to be humble enough to let them just happen? To learn to accept it and move on? To have faith that God will fill in the parts that I can't... and help me in the places where I fail?
Lots of times throughout my life I have struggled with things that seemed easy to everyone else. I'd struggle and struggle and struggle. Then, all at once, without prior notice, it was easy. I got it. The light went on. Just when it needed to go on! Just at the right time! In the Lord's time. I believe that as you are true and faithful and continue to try (in whatever area you need or want) the Lord will guide you line upon line ... probably without your knowledge ... until one day you just take off and it makes sense and it is easy. I know the Lord can do it. He has done it for me. He can do it for you!
ReplyDeleteDavid, I'm sorry you're struggling! I've struggled with social situations quite a bit. It's hard! Just know that I think a lot of you. Don't blame yourself! Everything will work out eventually
ReplyDeleteDon't you ever, EVER, think that you are not worth it! You may have issues to deal with that makes it hard for you, bur believe me when I say that we are many who have been given someone who can stand our strang ways. It is not a question about being oerfect to be worth it, God is so graceful that he gives us someone to help us get through. So don't give up, trust the Lord and everything will work out the way it's suppost to. You are an amazing man and I would love to have you as a son-in-law, if I had a daughter in the right age, that is!
ReplyDeleteUm, for the record, I know of a girl with quite a crush on you and would love to get to know you better. You are an amazing young man and some girl is going to be very lucky to end up with you.
ReplyDeleteTo anyone who feels shy and isolated in a crowd of strangers, walking alone into a TRI-stake party would be similar to attempting the Indy 500 without a pit crew. Don’t be too rough on yourself David, or let Friday night tarnish your hopes. You don’t need the ability to successfully maneuver overwhelming social situations in order to sustain meaningful and loving relationships. You’ve already accomplished the latter.
ReplyDeleteLook how far you’ve come since the days when you were “blissfully unaware”. Due to the very real challenges you describe on this blog, it may take your friends a little longer to truly understand you… and you them. But I believe God will answer your prayers and send you friends who will not give up until they do understand… knowing that you will likewise not give up on them. Friends who will enlarge their hearts, overcome their own insecurities, and gladly create a permanently valued place for you in their lives.
We all need continual molding. Patience, humility and a willingness to submit to divinely tailored life experiences are a requisite part of the process of becoming our best selves. But you already are worthwhile. You’ve been assured of that.
If God has the ability to create worlds, you can trust he has someone uniquely prepared to become your wife and fulfill your mortal missions together, loving and blessing the lives around you. Someone to “spend eternity at [your] side,” where your faithful heart will no longer experience the limitations imposed by a temporal body. What kind of woman would NOT want that?
bj
David- your complete candidness is so amazing. I can't tell you the number of times I've been feeling similar thought patterns and opened your blog on my phone and there is, magically, someone who understands. I often don't have the time (or patience with my phone and the hoops it makes me go through to correct my comments, but I always feel thankful that there is someone here who can shed light on my similar fears and worries and gives me hope that the journey is so worth it.
ReplyDeleteYou have received some great advice and comfort here that I doubt I can add to, but I want to sincerely thank you for being you and being honest with your thoughts, feelings and faith. It's all good. All worthy of the efforts it takes for you to continue to share against all odds. You have a very great gift for self-reflection that friends and a "special friend" will truly appreciate and feel is worth the price of any awkwardness accompanying it :-).