Friday, June 21
like the tri-stake young single adult pool party tonight. My stake president came to my Elder's Quorum and promised us that we'd find our eternal companion at the party. So why wouldn't I get excited? He looked right at me when he made it. That's a pretty hefty promise.
And then I get to the pool party, see the crowds milling together - groups of people meshed and flowing from one to another - and remember... I don't even know how to phrase it. It's like an overwhelming shyness mixed with gut-wrenching fear and discomfort at even being there. At stake dances I would sit in the church foyer because I felt like I should be there, but couldn't bring myself to go inside. At the pool party I didn't have a small group of people who could be a buffer for me and help me get to know new people. I didn't have a role to play like I do when I'm hosting a party, or when there's a topic already decided for conversation. The only thing I could think of doing was playing with my little brother, who's in town with my family, or practicing diving on the diving board, or just standing in the pool alone... neither of which put me in contact with anyone else, let alone a potential eternal mate.
I left the party frustrated with myself because I couldn't talk with anyone. Frustrated because I had been so excited, maybe even blithely so, and had somehow forgotten what inevitably happens to me in unstructured large-group gatherings. And frustrated with myself because I could feel myself wondering if I'll ever be worth it - asking questions that I should be firm on... answers that I've gotten a thousand times. And yet I still find myself wondering. If I have trouble talking with people, if I carry massive emotional and other burdens, if...
How is this ever going to work out?
God can do amazing things. Incredible miracles. Mold man from the dust and call down fire from Heaven. But will I be up to the task? Can He mold me into something worthwhile? And what kind of woman would ever want to spend eternity at my side?
And how many times will I need to experience things like this to be humble enough to let them just happen? To learn to accept it and move on? To have faith that God will fill in the parts that I can't... and help me in the places where I fail?
Posted by Mormon Guy at 10:38 PM