Friday, June 28
that all my stress comes from people. Everything that makes it hard for me to sleep at night, that makes me eat when I'm stressed, that triggers depression, that makes me cry, that burns me out, that pushes me into a corner with no way out, that makes me want to run away from life... comes from people.
And sometimes I feel like it isn't worth it - this trying to be in the world around me.
It would be so much easier just to pull back. To stay alive but disappear from the social parts of life. To only do the things I want to, instead of adding in the things I know I should. To forget about people when they're not physically present or if their relationships cause pain.
I've thought about finding a way to just start over - maybe moving to China to teach English, or just moving to China without a job in place... though that might be a little harder. Except that I'm pretty sure there are people in China, too... and that relationships would be just as hard or harder.
There's no escape.
I had a recurring nightmare when I was little - soldiers that would follow me no matter where I went. I could run as fast or as far as I wanted, but eventually the distant sound of drums would wake me. No place could hide me. No one else existed in the world... only massive tin soldiers marching to the sound of drums, walking slowly but inexorably towards the only living being on the planet - me.
I've wondered what that nightmare meant... especially because of the ending. One night, in the dream I got into a spaceship and left the earth behind... and finally the drumming stopped. I was free. Right now I realize that one potential interpretation would be that I'll have my trials in life until I leave life... and that maybe for a few moments here and there I'll find respite... but the only thing I can do is try to run until it's time to leave.
That sounds depressing. I'd rather not be depressed right now. Depression usually makes a dent in my plans, and I still have to plan 6 musical numbers (and find just as many talks...) for Sacrament meeting on Sunday. I need to be motivated enough to make a bunch of phone calls.
Maybe I can figure out a way to lower the stress I'm feeling right now. I'm sure I can... I'm just not totally sure how to do it.
Posted by Mormon Guy at 8:28 AM