Friday, June 28

I Just Realized

that all my stress comes from people. Everything that makes it hard for me to sleep at night, that makes me eat when I'm stressed, that triggers depression, that makes me cry, that burns me out, that pushes me into a corner with no way out, that makes me want to run away from life... comes from people.

And sometimes I feel like it isn't worth it - this trying to be in the world around me. 

It would be so much easier just to pull back. To stay alive but disappear from the social parts of life. To only do the things I want to, instead of adding in the things I know I should. To forget about people when they're not physically present or if their relationships cause pain.

I've thought about finding a way to just start over - maybe moving to China to teach English, or just moving to China without a job in place... though that might be a little harder. Except that I'm pretty sure there are people in China, too... and that relationships would be just as hard or harder.

There's no escape.

I had a recurring nightmare when I was little - soldiers that would follow me no matter where I went. I could run as fast or as far as I wanted, but eventually the distant sound of drums would wake me. No place could hide me. No one else existed in the world... only massive tin soldiers marching to the sound of drums, walking slowly but inexorably towards the only living being on the planet - me.

I've wondered what that nightmare meant... especially because of the ending. One night, in the dream I got into a spaceship and left the earth behind... and finally the drumming stopped. I was free. Right now I realize that one potential interpretation would be that I'll have my trials in life until I leave life... and that maybe for a few moments here and there I'll find respite... but the only thing I can do is try to run until it's time to leave.

That sounds depressing. I'd rather not be depressed right now. Depression usually makes a dent in my plans, and I still have to plan 6 musical numbers (and find just as many talks...) for Sacrament meeting on Sunday. I need to be motivated enough to make a bunch of phone calls.

Maybe I can figure out a way to lower the stress I'm feeling right now. I'm sure I can... I'm just not totally sure how to do it.


  1. As an introvert I've found that people are easiest to deal with when I also make sure to set aside plenty of time for relaxing solitude. For example, I don't check my email or make phone calls after 7PM. I also dedicate the occasional evening or weekend to be “me” time and refuse to be interrupted by anything other than life or death emergencies. If someone asks for a favor during these periods I just let them I know I'm busy and end the conversation before they can pry or guilt trip me. Having these moments of relaxing solitude to look forward to helps prevent me from over stressing the rest of the time.

    So for me stress management really came down to knowing my limits, scheduling some social down time and learning how to politely but firmly say no to requests that I knew would be too much for me at the time.

  2. As a recent discoverer of your blog I want to tell you how much I admire your honesty and willingness to be vulnerable.

    I have a number of family members who are Autistic. One of my sisters-in-law has a very hard time dealing with people en mass and it keeps her home frequently but she and my brother do very well together.

    My wife's Brother has Asperger's and has had a lot of trouble learning to deal with people but he has developed a lot. Partly just because of the passage of time and partly because of the love we share as a familly. His for us and ours for him.

    The best council I can give is pray to love others.

    1 John 4:18
    18 There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment.

    And Be patient. our Autistic son just got baptized at nine because he wasn't ready to understand at eight. But he grew, so will you.

    God loves you, so do I.

  3. we all have stress so i can sympathize. i know it isn't much but rather than asking Heavenly Father to remove my stress i ask Him of strength to endure it. it usually works out for me that way. i hope you can find a way to de-stess or at least manage it better to make things better for you!

  4. I hope you never stop writing here. It's wonderful you have this blog where you can help people and at the same time open your heart. I'm guessing your friends and family read your blog and you being so honest with your thoughts will surely help them understand better how to ease your stress sometimes.

    I really like what Joseph wrote in his comment. Especially since it is coming from someone who does understand. His counsel is backed up by scripture.

    Moroni said, "pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with this love, which he hath bestowed upon ALL who are true followers of his Son, Jesus Christ."

    You are a true follower of his Son. Pray for that love. It will help you connect to the people who already love you. It will help them feel your love. You are surrounded by people yes. Many of them are people who love you.

    Don't run David. Trust.

  5. Instead of fearing the drums, dance to'll find the right beat that fits you. <3 KEEP WRITING!

  6. I hear ya.

    this reminds me of the poem Nobody by She Silverstein:

    i memorised that when I was a kid.


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