I look across the street and see a beautifully manicured lawn and garden. Mine is a mess, with weeds and brown grass and a completely broken sprinkler system yet again.
My brothers' rooms are clean. Mine, again, is a mess.
My little brother just got engaged. It's been almost a year since I went on more than one date with someone.
Many of the people I know have careers. Or know what they are going to do in the next year or five. I don't feel like I know anything... and don't know which way to go.
A teacher in Sunday School today asked me how to be a good friend. She told me I was a friend to lots of people. I had no answer. Ironic that I don't feel it.
People think I'm too busy for friends, or that I have tons of them. But when we try to get close it doesn't work... because I don't know how to be a friend.
One place I feel useful is at the temple. But I wonder if I'm really good enough to be a worker there... even to the point of not going some weeks.
I live with my brothers, but feel like I would be closer to them if I didn't... because I inevitably do things that cause strife. When we work together, I find it's better to work on the opposite side of the house. Otherwise, something will happen to push us apart.
People ask me for help, and I feel more broken than they are.
A guy who just moved into the ward asked me after Church if there was anything else happening today. He sounded like he wanted an opportunity to get to know people. I thought about inviting him to dinner, and inviting others as well, but I didn't do it. I told myself I was tired, and fell asleep as soon as I walked in the door coming home.
I asked someone to be our choir director two weeks ago. She hasn't held choir yet, and people ask me why, and I feel like it's my fault.
I still deal with depression, with loneliness that doesn't go away even when I'm with people who love me, with inadequacies and frustrations that keep me awake into the night.
I'm alone, lost, broken, tired, and worn out.
I feel like, comparatively, I am nothing.
And yet, somehow, it's okay. Because, even with the reality - that there are a thousand things I could/should do better - I feel peace. God loves me.
Maybe it's okay to be nothing.
Now that you've went over a list of what you are not, can you please tell me what you are? Maybe you are not good at having a "best friend", but maybe you are a good first friend to someone new (that's me). Maybe your lawn isn't mowed, but maybe you cook awesome dinners (that would be my husband). Maybe your not dating, but maybe you make women feel really special about themselves. Maybe your career isn't going the way you want, but maybe you value education more than someone whose career is. Can your next post be about those things? It is not boastful to recognize who you are. So maybe you can label it "About Me". I suggest starting with "I am a man that expects much from himself" (a good quality). Then you could say, "I value family, so I live with my brothers and do all I can to keep my relationship positive with them, whatever that takes" (another good quality, and true from what I read). You could say, "My future wife is going to be very lucky because I am not going to settle for lust or friendship, I am going to build a loving relationship with her." The list can go on and on. These are just a few things I've gleaned from the times I've read your blog (and I don't even know you personally). Give it a try!
ReplyDeleteHang in there handsome ;) You are definitely NOT NOTHING. I don't even know you personally, and I have only read 'some' of your blog posts, but I can tell you that you are amazingly talented, wonderfully special, and extremely awesome. You are growing, progressing, and improving your life. You help and serve others in so many ways. And, most important - you know you're a Child of God, and you sincerely Love Him - and that's really all that matters. Here's a big hug from Mrs. I Define Me :D ~~~~~
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