Life has totally run me under the last few days. I woke up on Saturday and someone asked me, "Mormon Guy, is it fast Sunday tomorrow?" Fast Sunday at the end of September??? Why would they ask? There must be something happening next week. Wait. The first weekend in October. General Conference. General Conference is next week!?! Oh, and "No, Fast Sunday is usually the week after when it moves in this stake."
Now it's four days away, and I'm scrambling to compose the questions I need answered - to find the theme of my preparation. Conference is awe-inspiring in how personal it always feels... how personally the talks apply to my life. It often feels as if each person is speaking directly to me, out of the millions watching, and answering my questions given to God in the weeks preceding.
I guess the biggest question I'll be asking this time around is, "What next?" A year ago I asked for help touching people's lives through this blog and this message... reaching the people who needed to hear the message... and (Gay) Mormon Guy went viral just days after Conference, with the huge interest generated by President Packer's talk. In April, with the recent influx of tons of new readers from CJane and other sources, I asked for direction in framing what I write - who should my audience be? And the answer came as I remembered the individuals... the guys and girls who, like me, live each day in the moment and just need someone who cares and understands.
I feel like maybe I need to do something more... and that's the basis of my question. I date and it never goes anywhere... either I get shot down, or I can tell that some girls are definitely interested... but I don't reflect the passion. I'm not sure which way to go with (G)MG, and then I have a major professional choice that is looming in the not-too-distant future.
So that's my question. Or sum of questions. What next? What more should I be doing? How can I better help others, share the gospel, and accomplish my purpose in life? And since every Conference I've always heard the answers to my questions, I'm convinced the trend will live on.
Tuesday, September 27
Monday, September 19
Being Rescued
Every time I hear the story of the Martin and Willie handcart companies, I see in my mind's eye the people shivering in the cold, wanting to survive, having given everything they have, hoping against all odds that they can finally arrive in Zion. They've watched their brothers and sisters and friends die along the trail, and they've finally reached the point where they have no more strength, no more hope, nothing left to give.
And I'm there with them.
I've been there, in the place between spiritual life and death, watching as people fall around me, and wondering if I'll have the strength to live another day, or if I'll just give up. I've been the person who prayed for God's strength and felt it pushing me on one more day... not transporting me to Zion, but helping me move to the next day or even the next hour. And I, somehow, was rescued by the hand of God from the storm. But once you've felt the suffering, you can never forget it. It's different from anything else in the world, in a way... And I don't think that anyone who hasn't been called to pass through this way of life could ever understand the feelings and lessons learned from it.
Today, there isn't a physical storm raging in life. There is no snow or blizzard or darkening clouds. But, among my friends and neighbors, there are hundreds, thousands of men and women who are holding on to life in the gospel. Men and women who have given everything they have, who wonder if help will ever come, who turn to God and simply cry for relief of their pain and the strength to live one more day. And, as a saint, I have a responsibility to look, to search, and to never stop looking until I find them and bring them safely home. President Brigham Young told the Saints when he heard about the handcart companies struggling 300 miles away that their salvation rested upon their application of the Gospel in the realities of life - whether or not they were willing to give their lives in the service of their brethren, immediately... and I believe the same applies today. My brothers and sisters are searching, hoping to find hope and peace and faith, and the proof of my faith will come as I show my love for them... and my willingness to sacrifice on their behalf. I was rescued once, twice, countless times by the hand of God... now it's my turn to be His hand and help others along the way.
And I'm there with them.
I've been there, in the place between spiritual life and death, watching as people fall around me, and wondering if I'll have the strength to live another day, or if I'll just give up. I've been the person who prayed for God's strength and felt it pushing me on one more day... not transporting me to Zion, but helping me move to the next day or even the next hour. And I, somehow, was rescued by the hand of God from the storm. But once you've felt the suffering, you can never forget it. It's different from anything else in the world, in a way... And I don't think that anyone who hasn't been called to pass through this way of life could ever understand the feelings and lessons learned from it.
Today, there isn't a physical storm raging in life. There is no snow or blizzard or darkening clouds. But, among my friends and neighbors, there are hundreds, thousands of men and women who are holding on to life in the gospel. Men and women who have given everything they have, who wonder if help will ever come, who turn to God and simply cry for relief of their pain and the strength to live one more day. And, as a saint, I have a responsibility to look, to search, and to never stop looking until I find them and bring them safely home. President Brigham Young told the Saints when he heard about the handcart companies struggling 300 miles away that their salvation rested upon their application of the Gospel in the realities of life - whether or not they were willing to give their lives in the service of their brethren, immediately... and I believe the same applies today. My brothers and sisters are searching, hoping to find hope and peace and faith, and the proof of my faith will come as I show my love for them... and my willingness to sacrifice on their behalf. I was rescued once, twice, countless times by the hand of God... now it's my turn to be His hand and help others along the way.
Sunday, September 11
Elder Oaks speaks on politics, tolerance, morality, and prophesies the future at a CES Fireside. Wow.
CES firesides are usually pretty tame when it comes to doctrine. Don’t take girls out to the movies on a first date, don’t hang out at the expense of dating, choose a job and career and do your best. Sometimes the firesides focus on developing personal values and instilling a desire to be better. But tonight’s was different. Way different.
Elder Dallin H. Oaks is a retired lawyer who was considered as a US Supreme Court Justice, served as a member of the Utah Supreme Court, worked as president of BYU, and has done a bunch of other stuff in the field of law. Usually he’s chosen as the apostle to teach difficult doctrines clearly – to give the unpopular talks about pornography or other issues. But tonight, instead of toning his words to speak to an audience unfamiliar with his field’s nuances, he spoke in his own language… and in a talk that could have been completely written about homosexuality and the Church, prophesied that we would need to be fluent in the law, and our rights, to survive. I’m going to write in my own thoughts along with some of my notes on the talk.
The fireside began with his wife – Kristin Oaks – who shared insights that seemed really applicable to my life. She doesn’t live with same-sex attraction, but facing single life and the isolation and heartbreak that comes with it is similar in both cases.
Among the powerful things that I heard in her talk (some she said; others are personal applications I wrote in my notes):
Worry less about marriage than becoming a follower of Christ. This one is huge – I used to be obsessed with the fact that I wasn’t married, even after I had “paid my dues” with a mission and everything else I thought I needed to do. In reality, marriage is just part of the equation. Much more important is following Christ – and then, when marriage is in the plan (in this life or the next), the Lord will make it happen.
We are surrounded by perils on every side; it’s not enough to just get out alive, we need to help others along the way. This one hit me hard, because, for most of my life, I was focused on myself and my own problems – I wanted to understand the issue of same-sex attraction, and the thought of helping others never even occurred to me. When it finally did, and I began writing here, like the story of the woman in Japan, I’ve had powerful urges to just disappear and go on with my own life… but, like her, I’ve also felt the need to do what I can to make a difference.
If you can’t bear the challenges of life today, with your trials, happily, then you won’t be able to bear it when greater blessings, greater trials, and greater responsibilities come. This one is a truth I learned only recently – in the last few years. I thought that, in order to be happy, I would need the Lord to either heal me or answer my prayers. In reality, the Gospel has the power to bring happiness no matter what is happening in my life… and if I haven’t learned to use that power today, I won’t know how to use it tomorrow. It takes a lot of effort, a lot more effort than I imagined when I was younger, for the gospel to actually work and bring happiness, at least in my case. But it’s definitely worth it.
All men and women, gay, straight, married, or single, should remain active in the Church. The plan of salvation is in force for everyone… and we did not fight a war in Heaven to be single or unhappy eternally. We did not sign up for only part of the plan; we signed up for all of it. And by staying active in the Church, we avail ourselves of all the blessings of the gospel. They will come. I totally agree.
Then Elder Oaks began speaking. He prefaced his talk with a short story of a survey done of adults 20 years ago. Most believed that moral behavior was universal – that right and wrong had black and white absolutes that applied to everyone equally without respect to religion or background – the way most of us see murder or violence today. Today, that same study given to college seniors had the opposite effect. 75% of them believed that right and wrong, good and evil, were relative… most college seniors believe that there are no absolutes. (And from my own experience, many, many people now believe that even sexual morality is relative. Tons of people who I’d normally think were sound and solid members of the Church think that the law of chastity shouldn’t apply to men or women with same-gender attraction. I know that people rationalize away laws for themselves… but when did this become such a huge problem that people leave the Church over it?)
His talk was on tolerance and truth, where tolerance is something different from what the world normally equates. Tolerance in the gospel is a virtue when it is tolerance of people, or of beliefs… but not of actions. Essentially, it’s a match to what the Savior taught – tolerate sinners, lift them, teach them, and give them as much time as they need to repent, but make it clear that you don’t approve of or tolerate sin. As He kindly and firmly said to the woman taken in adultery, “Neither do I condemn thee… now go, and sin no more.” (Tolerance of people who don’t live the gospel is simply loving them and giving them the dignity and respect afforded to all of God’s children. At the same time, the gospel requires standing by the truth in all times and in all places – and making the distinction clear between right and wrong, okay and sin, as an institution.)
During his talk, he mentioned three absolute truths.
1) All are brothers and sisters under God, taught within their various religions to love and do good to one another. All of us need to learn to respect the God-given dignity that is in all men – to love and respect their spirits and their divine potential. (We should all love each other – love being the virtue wherein we are willing to do anything to help others come closer to Christ)
2) Living with differences is what the Gospel of Jesus Christ teaches us that we must do. We are in the world, but not of the world… and that means that sometimes we have to assert ourselves. We need to challenge laws that malign our ability to practice religion, and contend to support religious freedom. (We should protect our own freedom to believe and worship God, but also be a part of the world and situate those laws in terms that communicate with others)
3) Tolerance for others and their beliefs does not jeopardize our support for truth and right actions. We aren’t required to respect or tolerate wrong behavior. We deplore murder, violence, thievery, and everything else that God has ordained as sin.
When we are evaluating our own lives, we should not be tolerant of ourselves. We shouldn’t hide behind “tolerance” when we know that we know better. It’s the same when we teach our children – we should only teach the truth, and never let someone teach them false doctrine. In situations with others, we share truth according to the situation – you don’t call out a stranger on using profanity at home, but you do when it’s around you.
And then he spoke about being involved in the public square. When believers of Jesus Christ take their beliefs into the public square, they must be extremely selective. They shouldn’t legislate worship practices, even indirectly, but believers can and must seek laws that allow religious expression… and should also choose action-oriented laws that appeal to moral, ethical, and broad bases that are a part of society at large – not just unique to their own individual religion or dogma. When believers seek to promote their positions, their methods should be tolerant of the opinions of others... Love your neighbors, do good to those that despitefully use you, and don’t add to the chaos of turbulent and unsavory remarks... we need to frame our arguments in a way that adds to the discussion in a democratic society. Believers should not be deferred by the claim that they are “legislating morality”. Morality has always been and will always be a central part of legislation – whether based on the moral code of believers or the moral code of nonbelievers. Believers should always be sensitive to the views and needs of the minority.
Maybe it was just me, but I thought this talk had Proposition 8 written all over it. But that wasn’t all. At the end of the talk, he referred to the parable of the watchman on the tower, in the Doctrine and Covenants (the one where the Lord tells us that prophets foretell the future), and said, “As an apostle of the Lord, I am the watchman in the parable… and I have just spoken to you on a subject that was directed to me by the Spirit.” That’s about as clear as it gets to me… the political world is going to get rough. The Constitution is going to hang by a thread. We’re going to be in the minority (not a new thing for me). And we, I, whoever was listening tonight, is going to have to take the reins to support God and His plans when that time arrives.
Thursday, September 8
Eternal Life
Trials are black lines on white canvas. They find meaning only when filled with colors and light. And when they have filled their purpose, they disappear, forever hidden beneath the life they helped create.
I sat gazing at the temple a few days ago... just looking up into the dark September sky, my heart full and my mind at ease. Some of you may have noticed that I changed the heading on (Gay) Mormon Guy... because, at least right now in my life, being attracted to guys doesn't make my life extra rough anymore. Most days, it doesn't cross my mind... and when it does, in the form of a guy (or a girl with whom I can't seem to connect), life goes on as planned. Planned partly by me, and mostly by Him. I don't feel the loneliness that I used to. God Himself, and Christ, are with me. They fill my needs, and I can turn to Them more readily than a Siamese twin... because They know my thoughts, my heart, my hopes, my dreams... and He has felt and experienced it all.
Tonight, I'm eternally grateful for a God who loved me enough to outline my life with dark, black lines - lines that seemingly had no meaning - and then to give me the tools to color in the blessings of eternity. All the pain, the anguish, the suffering, the sorrow, the guilt, the work, the stress, the heartache... it's really worth it, and happiness will come - not just in eternity, but in this life. I wish everyone could have that experience... and feel the way I feel tonight.
Tuesday, September 6
"To Thine Own Self Be True..." but Who Am I?
A few years ago I realized that I didn't really know who I was... and found myself face-to-face with a question that every Mormon (and most others) faces at some point in life: Who am I?
This wasn't some cute little exercise in existential goalmaking, a short list of the qualities I wanted to assume to become the eventual perfect spouse, or a transcript of the gifts outlined in my Patriarchal blessing... and there wasn't anything pleasant about the process. The conflict took root out of pain and fear and distress, spent years slowly smoldering in the back of my soul, and finally burst out in flames, pitting me between myself... and myself. (I probably could have used less metaphoric flowery language, but that's what came out)
As you can probably guess, at the core of my distress were two seemingly contradictory sets of core beliefs. The first belief was the now brightly burning flame: "I'm gay, Mormon, unmarried, and having trouble with my social life. I've been on a mission, paid my dues, done everything right, and I'm not happy. And other people tell me I'll never be happy or fulfilled unless I embrace myself for who I am - gay - and give up hope that one day God will 'free me from my trials,' because He won't."
The second belief didn't burn or ask for attention the same way, but it was still there: "I am a child of God, and He has sent me here - to these circumstances, these problems - with the ability to keep the commandments and succeed in returning to Him. If I keep the commandments and strive to follow the Lord, He will take care of me... and I'll be happy and blessed - here in this life, and for eternity."
For a while I lived a double life. I did everything I could in my Church callings, but then found myself fantasizing about guys late at night. It tore me apart when I thought about it, so I tried not to think. I rationalized that I could be extra-righteous in other areas to make up for it. And none of the interventions I tried seemed to work anyway.
And then, one night in prayer, I realized that I had to choose between the two. The smoldering embers had burst into a fire, and I needed to either put it out, or give it room in my heart to change me forever. Am I a son of God, who is willing to do anything He asks me to - anything at all, no matter what the cost? Or do I choose to disbelieve the promptings the Spirit has given me for years and years and years - and rationalize that God will suspend the commandments in my case?
This was the turning point - the point where men turn their backs on God and the Church, the point where other men turn their backs on their families... the point where I could turn away from my faith, or turn to God, away from my own desires and demands. That night I put everything on the altar of sacrifice, and told the Lord I would do anything He asked.
For me, the first hard thing to do was to talk with my bishop. I have pride issues, and Satan convinced me that talking with him would mark me in his eyes, destroy my reputation, hurt my ability to serve others. But none of that happened. I went to him, honestly explained everything, and asked for his help... and he listened, and helped me to be healed. And thus began the process of reclaiming my life and who I was.
Reclaiming who I was wasn't that easy. Over years, beliefs, needs, and addictions had taken root in my heart, and I had to cut them out to begin to be healed. And, perhaps most difficult, I had to believe each day that when I cut out part of my heart, God would make me whole. I had to believe that leaving myself vulnerable, with unmet needs, would give God the room to come more fully into my life.
And, somehow, He did. As I turned to Him and found peace in the little things of the gospel, withdrawal and depression, pain and isolation, ostracism and fear and tears slowly gave way to a new set of beliefs - not only am I a child of God, but each day I can come closer to Him. With Him, I can overcome any trial. And as I come closer to Him, I feel what He feels - joy, fulfillment, peace, hope, faith, love. Today, the gospel, and all its blessings, is true for me.
I'll probably have other beliefs that will compete in my heart for space as life continues - beliefs about who I am, constructions from the world or society that tell me who I should be. But hopefully, in the future, I'll have the foresight to be true to who I really am and pull them out as soon as they begin to strangle the tree of life that is slowly growing in my heart. And, someday... that tree will bear fruit... and I'll be the man God sees deep inside me - perfected, purified, and at peace - in His presence once more.
This wasn't some cute little exercise in existential goalmaking, a short list of the qualities I wanted to assume to become the eventual perfect spouse, or a transcript of the gifts outlined in my Patriarchal blessing... and there wasn't anything pleasant about the process. The conflict took root out of pain and fear and distress, spent years slowly smoldering in the back of my soul, and finally burst out in flames, pitting me between myself... and myself. (I probably could have used less metaphoric flowery language, but that's what came out)
As you can probably guess, at the core of my distress were two seemingly contradictory sets of core beliefs. The first belief was the now brightly burning flame: "I'm gay, Mormon, unmarried, and having trouble with my social life. I've been on a mission, paid my dues, done everything right, and I'm not happy. And other people tell me I'll never be happy or fulfilled unless I embrace myself for who I am - gay - and give up hope that one day God will 'free me from my trials,' because He won't."
The second belief didn't burn or ask for attention the same way, but it was still there: "I am a child of God, and He has sent me here - to these circumstances, these problems - with the ability to keep the commandments and succeed in returning to Him. If I keep the commandments and strive to follow the Lord, He will take care of me... and I'll be happy and blessed - here in this life, and for eternity."
For a while I lived a double life. I did everything I could in my Church callings, but then found myself fantasizing about guys late at night. It tore me apart when I thought about it, so I tried not to think. I rationalized that I could be extra-righteous in other areas to make up for it. And none of the interventions I tried seemed to work anyway.
And then, one night in prayer, I realized that I had to choose between the two. The smoldering embers had burst into a fire, and I needed to either put it out, or give it room in my heart to change me forever. Am I a son of God, who is willing to do anything He asks me to - anything at all, no matter what the cost? Or do I choose to disbelieve the promptings the Spirit has given me for years and years and years - and rationalize that God will suspend the commandments in my case?
This was the turning point - the point where men turn their backs on God and the Church, the point where other men turn their backs on their families... the point where I could turn away from my faith, or turn to God, away from my own desires and demands. That night I put everything on the altar of sacrifice, and told the Lord I would do anything He asked.
For me, the first hard thing to do was to talk with my bishop. I have pride issues, and Satan convinced me that talking with him would mark me in his eyes, destroy my reputation, hurt my ability to serve others. But none of that happened. I went to him, honestly explained everything, and asked for his help... and he listened, and helped me to be healed. And thus began the process of reclaiming my life and who I was.
Reclaiming who I was wasn't that easy. Over years, beliefs, needs, and addictions had taken root in my heart, and I had to cut them out to begin to be healed. And, perhaps most difficult, I had to believe each day that when I cut out part of my heart, God would make me whole. I had to believe that leaving myself vulnerable, with unmet needs, would give God the room to come more fully into my life.
And, somehow, He did. As I turned to Him and found peace in the little things of the gospel, withdrawal and depression, pain and isolation, ostracism and fear and tears slowly gave way to a new set of beliefs - not only am I a child of God, but each day I can come closer to Him. With Him, I can overcome any trial. And as I come closer to Him, I feel what He feels - joy, fulfillment, peace, hope, faith, love. Today, the gospel, and all its blessings, is true for me.
I'll probably have other beliefs that will compete in my heart for space as life continues - beliefs about who I am, constructions from the world or society that tell me who I should be. But hopefully, in the future, I'll have the foresight to be true to who I really am and pull them out as soon as they begin to strangle the tree of life that is slowly growing in my heart. And, someday... that tree will bear fruit... and I'll be the man God sees deep inside me - perfected, purified, and at peace - in His presence once more.
Sunday, September 4
A Spark.
A Spark.
Is it fake? A fantasy? A surrealization of what cannot be? Or is it real, and miracles do happen?
My heart is light, my eyes are bright, I woke up smiling while I slept last night. Can it be, that a girl can be the focus of my mind?
I see her lips, the way she laughs, the passion shining in her eyes; her voice surrounds me as it echoes in the dark.
And this morning, I give thanks, whether true or just a glance, to God on high... for He has let me feel a spark.
Mormon Guy
Thursday, September 1
Too Busy For a Wife?
I was talking with a group of guys earlier this week and the conversation turned to wives, girlfriends, and football. It all seemed like banter until one guy said, "You know what the problem is, Mormon Guy? You're too busy for a wife. And you don't need one." He went on to outline the reasons why I was too busy, and then detailed all the external factors that stood in the way of girls who might be interested - the things that made it obvious to onlookers that I was somehow self-sufficient and had no room for romantic female companionship.
I'd discount his comment as a trite and light-hearted way to poke fun at my unmarried state and the rest of my life, but I think he was only partly joking. And I've heard it a few times before... and hearing things always makes me wonder how I should be applying them in my life.
The scriptures say that men should be anxiously engaged in a good cause, and do many things of their own free will and choice. I date, even when I have no desire to. I talk with girls and try to find more people to add to the dating pool. I improve my list of talents so that someday I'll match the subconscious list of Prince Charming for whichever princess really becomes the recipient of true love's kiss. And while I'm waiting, I am trying to move forward in life. I'm not waiting for life to begin or insisting that God grant my desires before I begin to make a contribution to society; as I make that contribution, I know that He will bless me and make me into a better man.
But there is a difference between engaging my priorities on work... and working on my priorities towards engagement... especially for me. With a normal guy, love could catch him by surprise - sort of as a side effect of the rest of life, sometimes in spite of not dating or actively searching for a wife. But in my case that won't happen... at least I don't think so. I don't think that the Lord is going to just someday make me fall in love with a girl at first sight and we'll live happily ever after. No... I usually have to work for my blessings, and then the miracle comes... in such a way that I know I really had nothing to do with it, and was probably going in the wrong direction, but it comes. And the miracles in my life come when I am anxiously engaged in doing the right things - not just good things, but the right things. The things that God wants me to do.
So yeah. I think I need to spend more of my effort dating. That thought makes me cringe. But maybe I can convince myself that I love dating by telling myself some of the good things about it.
I love dating because it enables me to change people's lives. I've been an impact for good through dating... and I love dating because it changes me into a better man. I love dating because I learn about people and how to meet their needs. Because I get to do fun stuff with others and make friends. I love dating because I sometimes can set up past girlfriends with current colleagues... and see them hit it off... or make contacts for business or involvement in the community. I love dating because when I date, and get home, I feel like I've accomplished something important in my life... and God promises me that it will work out - not just generally, but in my own personal life. It will work out for me. I love dating because it teaches me to be a better missionary... it helps me see and understand the trials people are facing and develop the tools to help them. And I love dating because it gives me a chance to bear my testimony... to share the gospel with someone and see their eyes light up as they gain a new insight on the truth.
I love dating. At least I'm trying. And hopefully my friends were wrong... and I have plenty of room in my life for dating, and a wife.
Tuesday, August 30
Looking Forward to The Day When...
...everything will work out.
I've had a bunch of conversations recently where, out of the blue, the conversation turns south... and people make jokes and crude references to being gay. I really have never gotten the humor, but that's probably because they aren't really funny to someone who's been there. Sometimes I think it's ironic that the only people who make crude sexual jokes have no idea how their jokes impact people around them... or the real meaning of the words that roll so easily off their tongues.
I definitely don't judge people for that - today's culture is full of sarcastic remarks, sardonic references, and sexual analogies galore. That it only rubs off partially on professionals is nice; I'm glad they don't perfectly mirror society's vision. But I still feel totally and completely left out. I feel left out when my bishop says that everyone in the room should want to date girls, and when my stake president echoes his remarks. I feel left out when I'm in a group of married guys who are talking about their children and their wives... and I have no desire to even go on second dates. I feel left out when I see family members get married, others date and fall in love, and others go through romantic encounters every other week.
And even though I know that someday it will all work out - I'll fall in love with a girl, be attracted to her, get married and begin a family... I still sometimes wonder when that will happen. And I'm definitely looking forward to the day when it will.
Sunday, August 28
Gay, Mormon, Faithful, Myself: I Choose Who I Am
There's a seeming dichotomy that exists in the world of homosexuality... that of choice.
Some people honestly believe that the feelings and attractions of homosexuality are a choice... that gay men could easily choose not to be attracted to other men, and that those who "struggle" with homosexuality are in reality simply struggling with their faith. Under this model, even feeling attractions to other men is a sin. A sin that, if left unattended and unquashed, is worthy of damnation. And all those who haven't gotten there are simply not trying hard enough - no matter what their age or station in life. People who honestly hold this belief usually don't hold it maliciously - they often have had no personal interaction with the people they stigmatize; they simply haven't had the opportunity to restructure the mental models that support their beliefs... and almost all of the people I have met have changed their thoughts when given the opportunity to understand in their own terms. Some of you used to believe this.
Some people believe that attractions and temptations are completely out of our control, and that anything other than following them is dishonest to "who I am." I regularly get a handful of emails from people who are probably sincere in their beliefs and their hope to help me in my life, encouraging me to follow the gay lifestyle that "is who I am." They take different styles - from long personal testimonies of the carnal pleasure and emotional release that comes from living a gay life, to the simple and pedantic "You're gay. You should be dating gay men, and you should marry a gay man." From meeting with many of these men and women - in the Church and without - I think that many of those who hold these beliefs hold them sincerely. They see the pain and seeming injustice that comes from differences in attraction, and somehow believe what they believe. But like the first group, their naïveté is still a huge factor, and their claim that I have no choice in the matter - no choice in determining my destiny - is contrary to reality of my own life and the principles taught in the gospel.
The last belief is one that, from my own experience, only comes from a personal experience with homosexuality and a bit of reflection and communion with God. It's an understanding and acceptance that I am not completely in control of the world around me or the circumstances that create my life - attractions and temptations included. It brings the peace that I (myself, my will, my choices, my spirit) am not defined by what happens to me (my attractions, temptations, worldly events, trials, and blessings)... but by what I do in those circumstances. I am who I choose to be. I may feel a certain way, but I have the ability to always choose the right, regardless of my feelings. My heart may be torn into pieces, but I have the ability to find peace and faith and happiness through keeping the commandments of God. My happiness, my peace, my honesty and integrity are not determined by anything but my choices, and the grace of God that follows when I choose the right.
I may not be able to choose who I am attracted to. I may not be able to choose the temptations I face or the love that I feel. But I can choose who I am in those circumstances... and in every case I do, by my every action. And in every case, I am choosing my destiny. This is who I am: Mormon, faithful, happy, fulfilled, peaceful, hopeful, optimistic, and, someday, saved. To thine own self be true. I am a child of God, and I am the arbiter of my destiny. I choose who I am.
Some people honestly believe that the feelings and attractions of homosexuality are a choice... that gay men could easily choose not to be attracted to other men, and that those who "struggle" with homosexuality are in reality simply struggling with their faith. Under this model, even feeling attractions to other men is a sin. A sin that, if left unattended and unquashed, is worthy of damnation. And all those who haven't gotten there are simply not trying hard enough - no matter what their age or station in life. People who honestly hold this belief usually don't hold it maliciously - they often have had no personal interaction with the people they stigmatize; they simply haven't had the opportunity to restructure the mental models that support their beliefs... and almost all of the people I have met have changed their thoughts when given the opportunity to understand in their own terms. Some of you used to believe this.
Some people believe that attractions and temptations are completely out of our control, and that anything other than following them is dishonest to "who I am." I regularly get a handful of emails from people who are probably sincere in their beliefs and their hope to help me in my life, encouraging me to follow the gay lifestyle that "is who I am." They take different styles - from long personal testimonies of the carnal pleasure and emotional release that comes from living a gay life, to the simple and pedantic "You're gay. You should be dating gay men, and you should marry a gay man." From meeting with many of these men and women - in the Church and without - I think that many of those who hold these beliefs hold them sincerely. They see the pain and seeming injustice that comes from differences in attraction, and somehow believe what they believe. But like the first group, their naïveté is still a huge factor, and their claim that I have no choice in the matter - no choice in determining my destiny - is contrary to reality of my own life and the principles taught in the gospel.
The last belief is one that, from my own experience, only comes from a personal experience with homosexuality and a bit of reflection and communion with God. It's an understanding and acceptance that I am not completely in control of the world around me or the circumstances that create my life - attractions and temptations included. It brings the peace that I (myself, my will, my choices, my spirit) am not defined by what happens to me (my attractions, temptations, worldly events, trials, and blessings)... but by what I do in those circumstances. I am who I choose to be. I may feel a certain way, but I have the ability to always choose the right, regardless of my feelings. My heart may be torn into pieces, but I have the ability to find peace and faith and happiness through keeping the commandments of God. My happiness, my peace, my honesty and integrity are not determined by anything but my choices, and the grace of God that follows when I choose the right.
I may not be able to choose who I am attracted to. I may not be able to choose the temptations I face or the love that I feel. But I can choose who I am in those circumstances... and in every case I do, by my every action. And in every case, I am choosing my destiny. This is who I am: Mormon, faithful, happy, fulfilled, peaceful, hopeful, optimistic, and, someday, saved. To thine own self be true. I am a child of God, and I am the arbiter of my destiny. I choose who I am.
Wednesday, August 17
Pictures.
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| http://www.helamangallery.com |
I got an email the other day, letting me know about a site called the Helaman Gallery. The creator focuses on photography of LDS temples and makes the electronic proofs available for free on his website - http://helamangallery.com/
Pictures are amazing, and uber-commonplace. Most blogs written in the gay world, and most blogs in the Mormon world, and most blogs in the gay Mormon world where they overlap, use pictures. But I don't feel like I can use the same types of pictures. Mormon blogs post pictures of their kids and their craft stuff (usually done by women). Gay blogs... um... they often post blatant pornography. And many gay Mormon blogs post pictures that are on the edge - way too provocative to be benign. Then there's the issue of copyright and giving credit and everything else.
Inspirational Fire
I had a conversation with a friend this week. Someone else had mentioned that he needed help... and didn't want to be part of the Church anymore... and that's my cue to drop everything. I called him as soon as I could, then called his roommates when he didn't wake up, and then we just spent the rest of the day talking.
It's always an amazing experience for me to see where someone lacks in faith, and to be able to be there when the light goes back on in his eyes. To hear his story, to help him feel understood, and to open his eyes to the hope and peace that comes from the gospel. My friend was struggling in his testimony and told me, honestly, that he didn't want to come to church because he felt judged for his beliefs... and because he still had a long way to go in repentance before he could actually participate in all the aspects of the church, like going to the temple and taking the sacrament again. He didn't feel remorse for his sins, didn't feel like he should repent when he had learned from the bad mistakes he had made, and, at the core, didn't believe the gospel was true for everyone.
This friend doesn't know me very well. We've only had a smattering of conversations, ever. He doesn't know that I live with same-sex attraction, or any of the other difficulties that life has brought me. He expressed, ironically, the thought that the gospel couldn't be true for those with same-sex attraction... and so it really couldn't be true for anyone... because even though they might receive glory in the next life, a "lonely life of misery" wasn't worth an eternal reward. I agree - unlike him and his friends, though, I've found that happiness and peace in life doesn't come from following natural urges, but by becoming a different person - by working and growing and making a difference... and by doing what is right. It is more than possible to have an amazing, fulfilled life in the gospel and never be married or have a family (as long as that's out of my control). My friend doesn't have same-sex attraction - just a couple friends who have left the Church, or never were a part. So all I could do was share the testimony that I have, without giving context to all my beliefs and knowledge, and pray that somehow it would be enough... that somehow it would help him relight the fire of faith that he had before.
I dropped him off after our conversation and wondered what the impact had been. He hadn't made any commitments in the end, even though I extended a few. He hadn't gone through a visible change, and it seemed like our hours-long conversation was just sitting there on the surface - it hadn't sunk in. Until a few days ago. The same friend who had originally mentioned that his friend was struggling and needed help sent me an email, thanking me for the conversation I had had. In the days since, it sank in, and helped our friend work through his struggles, and regain at least part of his faith... relight part of the flame. The gospel really is true... and it has the power to bring peace and happiness in this life to everyone, regardless of their trials. That's the spark of truth that resonated with him, and the one that always brings a smile to my face. And any good boy scout knows that a spark - lighting part of the fire is usually enough to set it all aflame.
It's always an amazing experience for me to see where someone lacks in faith, and to be able to be there when the light goes back on in his eyes. To hear his story, to help him feel understood, and to open his eyes to the hope and peace that comes from the gospel. My friend was struggling in his testimony and told me, honestly, that he didn't want to come to church because he felt judged for his beliefs... and because he still had a long way to go in repentance before he could actually participate in all the aspects of the church, like going to the temple and taking the sacrament again. He didn't feel remorse for his sins, didn't feel like he should repent when he had learned from the bad mistakes he had made, and, at the core, didn't believe the gospel was true for everyone.
This friend doesn't know me very well. We've only had a smattering of conversations, ever. He doesn't know that I live with same-sex attraction, or any of the other difficulties that life has brought me. He expressed, ironically, the thought that the gospel couldn't be true for those with same-sex attraction... and so it really couldn't be true for anyone... because even though they might receive glory in the next life, a "lonely life of misery" wasn't worth an eternal reward. I agree - unlike him and his friends, though, I've found that happiness and peace in life doesn't come from following natural urges, but by becoming a different person - by working and growing and making a difference... and by doing what is right. It is more than possible to have an amazing, fulfilled life in the gospel and never be married or have a family (as long as that's out of my control). My friend doesn't have same-sex attraction - just a couple friends who have left the Church, or never were a part. So all I could do was share the testimony that I have, without giving context to all my beliefs and knowledge, and pray that somehow it would be enough... that somehow it would help him relight the fire of faith that he had before.
I dropped him off after our conversation and wondered what the impact had been. He hadn't made any commitments in the end, even though I extended a few. He hadn't gone through a visible change, and it seemed like our hours-long conversation was just sitting there on the surface - it hadn't sunk in. Until a few days ago. The same friend who had originally mentioned that his friend was struggling and needed help sent me an email, thanking me for the conversation I had had. In the days since, it sank in, and helped our friend work through his struggles, and regain at least part of his faith... relight part of the flame. The gospel really is true... and it has the power to bring peace and happiness in this life to everyone, regardless of their trials. That's the spark of truth that resonated with him, and the one that always brings a smile to my face. And any good boy scout knows that a spark - lighting part of the fire is usually enough to set it all aflame.
Monday, July 25
Peace. Heavenly Peace.
Sometimes I spend a lot of time analyzing issues in my life. I don't always feel dramatic distress, but my mind is constantly whizzing from one idea to another... wondering how the events that happen today will affect my future tomorrow.
It means that when I date I'm constantly looking forward and trying to ensure that I'm neither leading a girl on, nor "not giving the relationship a fair chance." (Both of which are almost unpardonable sins in my mind, at least in my life) It means that when things go wrong in life I wonder how they will influence the decisions I can make in the future, how they will affect my peers, and how everything affects my family and close associates.
But even though my mind is often a blur of activity, I can still sit down, close my eyes, clear my mind, voice a silent prayer, and open my heart to listen to the Heavens. And the answer I receive is peace.
There's a lot in my life that isn't going right. Almost nothing on my to-do list will get done today. My callings seem to be floundering and I still haven't had more than phone and text conversations with some of the people I home teach. My bedroom is a mess. I haven't talked with some of my close family members in months. I still get an incredible urge to bite my nails when I'm stressed. And I bite my nails when I'm stressed. My dating life is miserable, and my friendships are constantly going through the shredder. I have a ton of people that I should have contacted that I haven't. And it's night already and I haven't taken time to really, honestly pray yet.
But there are some things that are going right... things that make the difference in my life... and things that give me the peace that I need when everything else is going wrong.
I still make time to study the scriptures. I try to make it as easy as possible... so most days I read them before 12:00 at night. I take time each day to pray. I tell God honestly about my life, and we talk about the issues I'm facing, the things I'm learning from my trials, and the things I need to do better. I attend Church, and go to the temple, and try to do the things I should.
But the most important aspect is that I'm clean. I'm not addicted to pornography, I honestly try to live the commandments, and when I make mistakes, I try to fix them. It doesn't mean I don't face issues; for example, I met a guy today who definitely turned my head. He had a great personality, a great smile, and a great body. But that's as far as the attraction goes. I acknowledge it and move on with life. And in life, while I have chaos, I also have peace.
I think that's what keeps me going. The knowledge that I'm doing okay and that everything - right now - is working together for my good. It's not just a feeling that "someday" everything will be better - that someday I'll find a wife, live happily ever after, and be saved (especially because those "somedays" never really come)... but a feeling that today, honestly and sincerely, everything is good... at least from God's perspective. I have a long way to go, a lot of problems to fix, and I may never see most of my goals in this life. But, today, I'm okay. I'm on the right pathway, I'm moving forward, and as I turn to God and give Him my will, He gives me peace.
For me, that was the blessing that came when I was able to free myself from pornography. It was the blessing that came when I honestly told my priesthood leaders everything I could, and the feeling that came when I realized I could withstand temptation instead of caving in. It gives me hope when I find myself comparing my life to others, wishing I were different or that the Lord had given me different trials. It gives me courage to help others find that same peace that they are seeking - enough to encourage them to change their lives to match their goals and who they want to be. And it gives me freedom, because I know that, whatever the Lord asks me to do, I can do it. I will do it.
Christ told His apostles, "my peace I give unto you... in the world ye shall have tribulation... but be not troubled. I have overcome the world." I think this is what He was talking about - the assurance that everything is right, the ability to be truly happy, the faith to follow that comes from moving forward on the path... being willing to relinquish my fears and doubts and hopes and dreams to God... and asking Him for peace.
It means that when I date I'm constantly looking forward and trying to ensure that I'm neither leading a girl on, nor "not giving the relationship a fair chance." (Both of which are almost unpardonable sins in my mind, at least in my life) It means that when things go wrong in life I wonder how they will influence the decisions I can make in the future, how they will affect my peers, and how everything affects my family and close associates.
But even though my mind is often a blur of activity, I can still sit down, close my eyes, clear my mind, voice a silent prayer, and open my heart to listen to the Heavens. And the answer I receive is peace.
There's a lot in my life that isn't going right. Almost nothing on my to-do list will get done today. My callings seem to be floundering and I still haven't had more than phone and text conversations with some of the people I home teach. My bedroom is a mess. I haven't talked with some of my close family members in months. I still get an incredible urge to bite my nails when I'm stressed. And I bite my nails when I'm stressed. My dating life is miserable, and my friendships are constantly going through the shredder. I have a ton of people that I should have contacted that I haven't. And it's night already and I haven't taken time to really, honestly pray yet.
But there are some things that are going right... things that make the difference in my life... and things that give me the peace that I need when everything else is going wrong.
I still make time to study the scriptures. I try to make it as easy as possible... so most days I read them before 12:00 at night. I take time each day to pray. I tell God honestly about my life, and we talk about the issues I'm facing, the things I'm learning from my trials, and the things I need to do better. I attend Church, and go to the temple, and try to do the things I should.
But the most important aspect is that I'm clean. I'm not addicted to pornography, I honestly try to live the commandments, and when I make mistakes, I try to fix them. It doesn't mean I don't face issues; for example, I met a guy today who definitely turned my head. He had a great personality, a great smile, and a great body. But that's as far as the attraction goes. I acknowledge it and move on with life. And in life, while I have chaos, I also have peace.
I think that's what keeps me going. The knowledge that I'm doing okay and that everything - right now - is working together for my good. It's not just a feeling that "someday" everything will be better - that someday I'll find a wife, live happily ever after, and be saved (especially because those "somedays" never really come)... but a feeling that today, honestly and sincerely, everything is good... at least from God's perspective. I have a long way to go, a lot of problems to fix, and I may never see most of my goals in this life. But, today, I'm okay. I'm on the right pathway, I'm moving forward, and as I turn to God and give Him my will, He gives me peace.
For me, that was the blessing that came when I was able to free myself from pornography. It was the blessing that came when I honestly told my priesthood leaders everything I could, and the feeling that came when I realized I could withstand temptation instead of caving in. It gives me hope when I find myself comparing my life to others, wishing I were different or that the Lord had given me different trials. It gives me courage to help others find that same peace that they are seeking - enough to encourage them to change their lives to match their goals and who they want to be. And it gives me freedom, because I know that, whatever the Lord asks me to do, I can do it. I will do it.
Christ told His apostles, "my peace I give unto you... in the world ye shall have tribulation... but be not troubled. I have overcome the world." I think this is what He was talking about - the assurance that everything is right, the ability to be truly happy, the faith to follow that comes from moving forward on the path... being willing to relinquish my fears and doubts and hopes and dreams to God... and asking Him for peace.
Saturday, July 23
Somebody to Love
I talked with a girl I was dating once about the things she was looking for in a guy. (Yeah, I know that most guys wouldn't ask that kind of question. But I ask girls anyway. It keeps me humble.) She mentioned that she had a list of qualities she had used in the past... but now was just looking for someone who could & would love her completely. Someone who could meet her physical, spiritual, emotional, intellectual, and social needs through love. I knew the context was important, because I definitely was not meeting her needs... But her comment made sense. You need someone who loves you. I thought it was ironic because that's never been my problem. I have a list of qualities, too... but I've tossed it out the window for one overarching trait. In my mind, I was looking for exactly the opposite - somebody to love.
Every relationship I've had so far has been one-sided. A girl is interested in me, so I give it a chance. More than a chance. I throw myself into the relationship headlong, do everything I can think of to summon romance in my mind, and ask God to help me fall in love. We continue to date until I realize that the miracle I need to fall in love isn't coming, and she realizes that she needs more than I can give on my own. Then we part ways, I start dating someone else, and a few months down the road I get a wedding invitation. The girl I dated is now happily married... has found somebody to love and be loved by... and I'm still totally single. It's happened more times than I care to count.
I haven't been concerned in the past, because I'm pretty sure that I'm doing everything I can. I ask girls out, try to get to know them in every way, use every skill and technique taught in marriage prep class... and still nothing is there. If I'm doing everything I can, then the Lord will bless me and make up for my lack.
But recently more and more people have been telling me that I need to change my attitude about dating... and I've been wondering if they're right.
Most of them are random people that I don't know very well, who assume that being my age and (still) unmarried is always due to a lack on the guy's part. They assure me that I have plenty of talents and skills, then tell me to "be realistic" and to "not be delusional" and "just find a girl with whom I am compatible" and "just make a choice and stick with it" - all of which may sound like great advice to someone who is married and in love with his spouse, but is nonsensical to a guy who has never been attracted to girls in the first place and is dating notwithstanding the difficulty that creates. I just smile and nod. And if I can't have a decent conversation and help them realize that sometimes the Lord's timing enters into play (ie - sometimes men and women are doing everything they should, but are still unmarried because of the Lord's timetable in their lives - even in middle or old age) then I change the topic or leave. Everyone runs into people who have good intentions and want you to succeed, but give advice that is too general to be really useful. Having a lot of problems myself has made me much more cognizant of the advice I give... and the potential difficulties in the application of that advice.
Some others are family members who are honestly concerned... who feel I should be married by now... and who find themselves wondering why I haven't found a wife. They don't know about (Gay) Mormon Guy or that my core issue is a lack of attraction to girls... but they still care. A family member commented on my dating life or the first time - mentioning that maybe I was somehow setting myself up for failure. Another asked what I was looking for in a wife. Another asked why I went through so many girls, especially when all of them were cute, talented, smart, spiritual, nice...
And I honestly don't know the answers. I've never found a book or even an article that outlines what I'm supposed to do in the dating world when I feel like I don't fit in, or that could give me the answers. The prophets have never said whether guys like me should date girls, or if they should just pull out of the dating scene altogether... leaving me and a whole lot of other people with a lot of questions. And maybe that's a good thing... because it means that I have to rely on God completely... and it also means that we shouldn't be judgmental of the people around us... especially since we can't understand the problems they face.
So, with the advice of well-meaning friends and family members in my mind, I asked God for His thoughts on the situation. Is there something that I'm missing? Am I being delusional, or unrealistic, or setting myself up for failure?
The only answer I've gotten is to keep moving forward. Which, at least in my perspective, means meeting new people, dating, reaching out, learning new things, trying to improve myself - trying to find somebody to love.
Every relationship I've had so far has been one-sided. A girl is interested in me, so I give it a chance. More than a chance. I throw myself into the relationship headlong, do everything I can think of to summon romance in my mind, and ask God to help me fall in love. We continue to date until I realize that the miracle I need to fall in love isn't coming, and she realizes that she needs more than I can give on my own. Then we part ways, I start dating someone else, and a few months down the road I get a wedding invitation. The girl I dated is now happily married... has found somebody to love and be loved by... and I'm still totally single. It's happened more times than I care to count.
I haven't been concerned in the past, because I'm pretty sure that I'm doing everything I can. I ask girls out, try to get to know them in every way, use every skill and technique taught in marriage prep class... and still nothing is there. If I'm doing everything I can, then the Lord will bless me and make up for my lack.
But recently more and more people have been telling me that I need to change my attitude about dating... and I've been wondering if they're right.
Most of them are random people that I don't know very well, who assume that being my age and (still) unmarried is always due to a lack on the guy's part. They assure me that I have plenty of talents and skills, then tell me to "be realistic" and to "not be delusional" and "just find a girl with whom I am compatible" and "just make a choice and stick with it" - all of which may sound like great advice to someone who is married and in love with his spouse, but is nonsensical to a guy who has never been attracted to girls in the first place and is dating notwithstanding the difficulty that creates. I just smile and nod. And if I can't have a decent conversation and help them realize that sometimes the Lord's timing enters into play (ie - sometimes men and women are doing everything they should, but are still unmarried because of the Lord's timetable in their lives - even in middle or old age) then I change the topic or leave. Everyone runs into people who have good intentions and want you to succeed, but give advice that is too general to be really useful. Having a lot of problems myself has made me much more cognizant of the advice I give... and the potential difficulties in the application of that advice.
Some others are family members who are honestly concerned... who feel I should be married by now... and who find themselves wondering why I haven't found a wife. They don't know about (Gay) Mormon Guy or that my core issue is a lack of attraction to girls... but they still care. A family member commented on my dating life or the first time - mentioning that maybe I was somehow setting myself up for failure. Another asked what I was looking for in a wife. Another asked why I went through so many girls, especially when all of them were cute, talented, smart, spiritual, nice...
And I honestly don't know the answers. I've never found a book or even an article that outlines what I'm supposed to do in the dating world when I feel like I don't fit in, or that could give me the answers. The prophets have never said whether guys like me should date girls, or if they should just pull out of the dating scene altogether... leaving me and a whole lot of other people with a lot of questions. And maybe that's a good thing... because it means that I have to rely on God completely... and it also means that we shouldn't be judgmental of the people around us... especially since we can't understand the problems they face.
So, with the advice of well-meaning friends and family members in my mind, I asked God for His thoughts on the situation. Is there something that I'm missing? Am I being delusional, or unrealistic, or setting myself up for failure?
The only answer I've gotten is to keep moving forward. Which, at least in my perspective, means meeting new people, dating, reaching out, learning new things, trying to improve myself - trying to find somebody to love.
Tuesday, July 12
Hero, Villain, or Friend?
Growing up I found it hard to relate to people. For whatever reason, I felt ostracized from my peers, siblings, extended family members... everyone. I always felt singled out, no matter where I was. I had no friends at school, no friends on my sports teams, no friends in extracurricular activities or community events, no friends at Church, and what felt like no friends in my family. The only people who seemed to care were twenty or forty or sixty years older than I was - teachers at school, advisors at Church, and those of my relatives who fit in the 'old' category.
I thought I was a likable kid - I wasn't ugly or awkward, and had my head on straight, and I tried over and over again to find ways to make friends... to be a part of their lives or find ways to help them be a part of mine, but nothing seemed to make a difference.
The problem wasn't that people didn't like me. My yearbook was always full of compliments: "Mormon Guy, you are incredibly smart." "Mormon Guy, you're a great athlete." "Mormon Guy, you're really nice." In the classroom, at the event, or on the field, everyone was my friend... but as soon as the bell rang, or the diplomas landed, they all disappeared. And I found myself standing completely and totally alone.
I finally realized that people weren't my friends because they didn't feel they could relate to me... and that I couldn't relate to them. That, in part felt true... since I've had such a hard time at least on my part. Whatever the reason, while I tried to be close to the people who surrounded me on an everyday basis, most of them felt emotionally distant from me. And distancing yourself from others emotionally, while being a part of their lives, can have devastating, and interesting, effects.
When you don't see who people are, and the motivations and pain and anguish and choices and background that goes into their choices, people become a simple sum of the actions you can see. And, depending on how you view and relate to those actions, people begin to take on a surreal aura of who you believe them to be... and that aura influences how everything they say or do impacts you. At least this is what I've seen in my life. When you only see the good in others, they become a hero. When you only see the bad, they become a villain. I became both.
As life unfolded, the emotional distance didn't improve. I tried to make friends and be involved in the lives of others, but it became strikingly apparent to me that as I met people, after the usual greetings, they sorted themselves into two different groups. Those who didn't want to understand me, and put me on a pedestal where they could look at me... and those who didn't want to understand me, and put me in a pit where they wouldn't have to see me.
Almost all the girls I dated eventually put me on a pedestal, which was the sign that the relationship wouldn't work. Most of the people in my wards did, too... and most of my classmates. Then, on the other side, there was the rare person who hated me without knowing my middle name or ever having a conversation with me, and the people who were threatened by my presence or else thought I was arrogant, and hence felt they were better than I was.
And then there were the rare few who could see beyond the awkward social grace, or lack thereof, the massive passion for life, and whatever else keeps me distant from the world. And those were the people who got closest to me - the people that I wished could be my friends.
I have a request for you, as a reader. Please don't judge me. Don't put me, or my blog (Gay) Mormon Guy, on a pedestal like a knight in shining armor, and don't throw me in a pit for my assumed naïveté. You don't know me - only a small part of what I share here. And if you do know me, you know I'm not a hero or a villain; I'm just another guy trying to live the gospel the best way I know how... who shares his story to try to help others along the way. If the posts here resonate with you, then turn to God, decide to write your own story in the actions of your life, and become your own hero. If they don't, then turn to God and the scriptures to find someone who understands and empathizes with your life. Don't idolize me or hate me for doing what I feel is right; instead, turn to God and try to understand me... and in turn understand your own life and the choices you make each day to return to Him.
I thought I was a likable kid - I wasn't ugly or awkward, and had my head on straight, and I tried over and over again to find ways to make friends... to be a part of their lives or find ways to help them be a part of mine, but nothing seemed to make a difference.
The problem wasn't that people didn't like me. My yearbook was always full of compliments: "Mormon Guy, you are incredibly smart." "Mormon Guy, you're a great athlete." "Mormon Guy, you're really nice." In the classroom, at the event, or on the field, everyone was my friend... but as soon as the bell rang, or the diplomas landed, they all disappeared. And I found myself standing completely and totally alone.
I finally realized that people weren't my friends because they didn't feel they could relate to me... and that I couldn't relate to them. That, in part felt true... since I've had such a hard time at least on my part. Whatever the reason, while I tried to be close to the people who surrounded me on an everyday basis, most of them felt emotionally distant from me. And distancing yourself from others emotionally, while being a part of their lives, can have devastating, and interesting, effects.
When you don't see who people are, and the motivations and pain and anguish and choices and background that goes into their choices, people become a simple sum of the actions you can see. And, depending on how you view and relate to those actions, people begin to take on a surreal aura of who you believe them to be... and that aura influences how everything they say or do impacts you. At least this is what I've seen in my life. When you only see the good in others, they become a hero. When you only see the bad, they become a villain. I became both.
As life unfolded, the emotional distance didn't improve. I tried to make friends and be involved in the lives of others, but it became strikingly apparent to me that as I met people, after the usual greetings, they sorted themselves into two different groups. Those who didn't want to understand me, and put me on a pedestal where they could look at me... and those who didn't want to understand me, and put me in a pit where they wouldn't have to see me.
Almost all the girls I dated eventually put me on a pedestal, which was the sign that the relationship wouldn't work. Most of the people in my wards did, too... and most of my classmates. Then, on the other side, there was the rare person who hated me without knowing my middle name or ever having a conversation with me, and the people who were threatened by my presence or else thought I was arrogant, and hence felt they were better than I was.
And then there were the rare few who could see beyond the awkward social grace, or lack thereof, the massive passion for life, and whatever else keeps me distant from the world. And those were the people who got closest to me - the people that I wished could be my friends.
I have a request for you, as a reader. Please don't judge me. Don't put me, or my blog (Gay) Mormon Guy, on a pedestal like a knight in shining armor, and don't throw me in a pit for my assumed naïveté. You don't know me - only a small part of what I share here. And if you do know me, you know I'm not a hero or a villain; I'm just another guy trying to live the gospel the best way I know how... who shares his story to try to help others along the way. If the posts here resonate with you, then turn to God, decide to write your own story in the actions of your life, and become your own hero. If they don't, then turn to God and the scriptures to find someone who understands and empathizes with your life. Don't idolize me or hate me for doing what I feel is right; instead, turn to God and try to understand me... and in turn understand your own life and the choices you make each day to return to Him.
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