Sunday, May 29


Sometimes I feel like I'm a hypocrite. 

To most people around me, I look like my life is ideal. I'm active in the Church. I do "everything" right. I'm always at the front, in callings and work and other roles. I'm almost always happy, friendly, and outgoing. I've even had people and family members tell me that my life is perfect. And, in some ways, I believe them. I mean, for the most part, my life is ideal - a firm and abiding knowledge of the gospel, parents that inspire faith, and my own personal experiences coming to know God and learning to communicate with Him in all things.

But that's only part of the story. And if people knew the other part... I'm confident they wouldn't idolize me or want to trade lives. Anyone who reads (Gay) Mormon Guy would probably agree. Deep down inside, for years I've struggled with base instincts and carnal desires, temptations and thoughts that could make a romance writer blush. I live with depression that can hit me like a ton of bricks. I've gone up and down in phases and cycles and seen the height and breadth of God and felt the abysmal tension of losing the Spirit in my life. And now, even though I've had incredible spiritual experiences, I still struggle. I still dig holes for myself and jump in, headlong. I have everything I need to move forward - faith, support, the power of God made manifest in my life... and yet sometimes I look at my life and feel like I'm in the same place I was last time I looked - or even a step backwards.

I think I am beginning to understand how Nephi felt as he fled from his brothers with his family following the death of his father... and then bemoaned his lack of faith for feeling anger and fear toward them... when the Lord had made it obvious to him that He would always be at his side. He had been fighting this feeling, willing himself to change, submitting to the will of the Lord, for decades... and yet it was still a thorn in his side. I feel the same way. I know that through God, all things are possible. If I follow Him, everything will work out for the best - not just for the good - everything will be a hundred times better because I have followed Him. And it's true. Life really is more hopeful, happier, more fulfilling, and better in every way when I follow Him. So, with that knowledge, and after all that the Lord has done for me, why do I still give space for the enemy of my soul?

There are so many things I need to improve. I find myself judging others, wishing I had different roles in life, feeling like I could do a better job than someone else. In my relationships, I give people advice for their own problems in life, but never ask for advice, or anything, in return... I'm involved in their lives and never open the door to my heart, except for the part that I wear on my sleeve. I sometimes tame my thoughts, and sometimes don't.

For me, learning more integrity, and somehow lessening my own hypocrisy, starts inside. It means honestly keeping the covenants and promises I've made, and making time to ensure that those commitments will be kept - every single time. It means always doing things for the right reason - to give glory to God and to build His kingdom. And it means recommitting myself each day to living a new life, free from guile and completely clean. It's possible to live a life of integrity - even attracted to guys in the Church. I can be true to God, to myself, and to others. It just takes a lot of work, and the willingness to live each day one at a time.


  1. It sometimes sounds like you hold yourself to the standard of perfection. I think as church members we tend to be motivated by guilt. While I think that may sometimes be an appropriate form of motivation, most of the time it's not uplifting or helpful for me. We can't be perfect, we know that. I am perfectly ok with being unsatisfied with my current state of being, in fact it's when I'm ok with how I am right now that I start worrying. Instead I judge myself on whether I like where I'm going, whether I like the person I'm becoming.

  2. I always worry when my comments don't get posted that it's because I said something unhelpful, so I haven't commented in a while. But I just wanted to say that I feel like a hypocrite all the time, and just keep reminding myself that I know I'm not perfect, and I'm trying. I mean, I think it's safe to assume that most people, even those who appear to have the ideal life, have some intense struggles. I don't remember who said it, but my best friend used to quote: "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle."

  3. Jennifer -

    There are hosts of reasons why comments don't get posted here. Among them are getting lost (even google/blogger loses comments - I know of at least a dozen that never arrived even though they were sent...), being posted when I'm depressed and don't post any comments, being posted right after someone else's and my missing it in the already-linked-email chain that assumes both comments are somehow interconnected... or if it just doesn't match what I want to post that day, or I intend to post it with a response and forget because life has overtaken me.

    I try to read every comment, and even if I don't agree, and even if I don't post them, they still impact and affect me and the way I think. Don't be afraid to comment.

  4. We all feel like hypocrites at times... none of us are perfect. You are AWESOME! Hang in there! ;)


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